Chapter Text
y/n's pov:
I was in my bathroom gliding a smooth razor across my arm. I don't know when I started doing this all I know was that I needed it. Correction: I deserved it. I had only been doing this for a couple of weeks but it felt good, so I wasn't gonna stop.
All of the sudden there was a knock at my bedroom door.
Tony's door. You don't deserve a room. Tony only lets you stay here because bucky wanted you here. Bucky only did that because he felt bad for you. He doesn't like you either. No one does.
"Y/n, you in there?" I hear a voice and it reminds me that someone was at the door. I automatically recognized the voice as Bucky.
"One sec Bear" I shout as I quickly pull my sweatshirt sleeve down. luckily it was winter so no one questioned me always wearing them all the time.
Also, I call Bucky bear because in hydra our cells were across from each other and he said he didn't like being called bucky because it didn't feel like him and so I remembered him once telling me Steve used to call him bucky bear and so I asked and he said I could call him bear. That was ten years ago.
"Hey y/n," he said plopping himself down on my bed.
"Hi, bear, what's up," I say as I sit next to him plastering on a (pretty much perfect) fake smile.
"What I need an excuse to come see you," He says teasingly.
"Nope never, sorry," I say feeling bad.
You aren't his favorite he just says that because he doesn't want you to know how much he hates you. You could never be anyone's favorite. You are just a disgusting murderer.
"Hey, you ok?" Bucky asks. He usually knows how I'm feeling but recently I've been able to sort of throw him off track.
"Yeah, course," I say trying to stop my train of thought.
Even though it's not wrong
"Good, you would tell me if something was up though, right?" he asks worry lacing his tone.
"Course bear I'm fine," I say.
"ok good I love you my little bear cub," he says teasing me while kissing me on my head.
"oh shut up," I say genuinely smiling while slapping his arm gently.
Just then FRIDAY gets our attention and tells us Bucky is needed with the rest of the team.
" Got it Fri. I gotta go, see you later and remember any time just tell me if something is up" he says pointing a finger at me.
"I will, I will go," I say throwing my hands up defensively as he walks out of the room.
As soon as he leaves I flop back on my bed and sigh. The second I feel happy and he has to go
It's because you don't deserve to feel happy. My brain supplies helpfully. I just decided it was late enough and I was gonna go to bed.
~💕~
It was lunch and everyone was together. Usually, I wouldn't sit down with everyone as I felt I would be intruding, but Bucky said I needed to come out of my room more. He joked I was becoming a hermit.
"hey Y/n, how are you?" Steve asks as he sits next to Bucky across the table from me.
"I'm good, how are you?" I ask. He said he was good and we both continue to eat. It has only been a minute but everyone and everything is so so loud. About half an hour into the lunch, I realized how I had been zoning out too much. Nobody seemed to notice.
It's because they don't care. No one cares. They probably think you look gross right now. No one wanted you here. Why would they let you sit with them except for the fact you actually think they would want you there? God, why would anyone ever want you around? Why are you so mad people didn't notice, I bet you want them to notice you're just doing it for attention aren't you?
I started to feel a pain in my chest and I feel the need to get to my room right now. I quickly get up from the table and bolt to my room.
Once I'm there I close and lock my door and fall onto the floor. I can't breathe and I'm shaking so much more than usual. And I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe. And when did I start sweating? Am I dying? It feels like I'm dying.
I feel something cold on my wrist and start to hear something. No, not something someone.
"Hey y/n can you hear me now," bucky says in a calming manner.
Oh no, bucky. now he knows you're a fuck-up he is gonna kick you out. He is gonna hate you.
"hey y/n. just focus on my voice, ok?" I hear him say again. "Just copy my breathing," he says exaggerating his breathing. I try to copy him and it helps a bit, my breathing slowing down slightly.
"What was that about?" he asks once I'm breathing normally and we get onto the bed.
" I don't know" I answered truthfully.
"Ok, I'll ask you something you will know." He says and I get confused, "Y/n where did those cuts on your arms come from?" I start to feel a panic sweep through my body. "I'm not mad it's just a question" Bucky assures me.
I don't say anything I just keep looking down and fiddling with my sleeve.
"Did you do that to yourself?" He asks after he realized I wasn't gonna say anything.
At this point, I start to cry and Bucky hugs me.
"Oh y/n, you should've told me. You're gonna be ok. We are gonna get through this. I'm gonna help you." He says.
"I don't want help. I deserve this. I need this." I reply sniffling in his embrace.
"Oh cub, nothing you do could ever warrant this. Nothing." He says pulling me back to look me in the eyes. We sit there for a little while before Bucky speaks up again.
"Can I see them?" He asks.
"No," I respond without even thinking about it.
"I just wanna make sure they're cleaned properly." He reasons with me.
"Fine," I say and I lift my sleeve my arm littered with cuts in various stages of healing. Without saying anything Bucky takes me to the bathroom and cleans my cuts. Once he was almost done I ask him something.
"Are you mad at me?" I ask getting upset at the thought.
"Of course not, why would you think that?" He asks me.
"You haven't spoken since you saw the cuts," I say quietly.
"I'm not mad. I just didn't know what to say and I didn't wanna make things worse for you. I was also thinking about talking to you about maybe starting therapy. You gotta talk to someone kid I can't keep letting you do this to yourself, I care about you way too much." He explains
"I'll think about it." I reply "But can we just watch a movie for now?" I ask.
"Of course," he says and he carries me back to the room and we turn on The Princess Bride. I quickly fall asleep and even when I wake up Bucky is right there next to me.