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Doppelgängers.
Michael had heard about them before.
If you meet one, one of the two of you dies. Something about fate and random stuff that he could barely recall. It was one of those bits of information you see while browsing something else. He didn’t pay much attention of it. How likely was it that you’ll meet a doppelganger?
He was currently staring at one right in front of his house. Michael, still in his car, peered at the stranger through his car window.
“What the fuck?” He whispered under his breath.
The man played with his phone, head tilted down. Michael squinted at the man. His red jacket was the same as his. A real life doppelganger.
What the fuck.
Michael jumped. The man’s eyes flitted upwards, meeting his gaze. With a smile, the man put away his phone and waved his hand.
He didn’t want to park his car. He texted Jeremy.
‘if u don’t hear from me in 15 mins, wipe my drives.’
Putting away his phone, he looked at the man who still stood there, one hand in his hoodie and pointing at the driveway.
“Fuck.”
He parked the car. Taking a deep breath, he organized his thoughts. He’s not going to question a doppelganger and whatever unholy magic that brought him to existence. What he’s going to do is fight for his existence and win.
“Hey.”
Michael jolted at the sound and bumped his knee harshly under the steering wheel. He bent down with his head on the steering wheel, before turning to look at the side.
The man winced seeing him, “Uh, I didn’t mean to that.”
“Clearly…” Michael groaned in pain, cradling his knee. He stayed in that position, waiting for the pain to subside when the man spoke up.
“Look on the bright side!” The man beamed. Michael, even with the pain, found himself staring at him. Did, did he look like that when he smiled? “If you get a shattered knee, you can skip school.”
He hated how he looked at a mirror but somehow seeing himself separately was… okay? Michael shook the thought off.
“You’re putting me in a disadvantage here if you’re here for a fight for our life.” He sighed, pushing the door open. The man moved to the side, closing the door right as Michael stepped off.
“A what?”
“Aren’t you here to kill me, so you can take my place?” Michael shot him with a look as he opened the front door, jiggling the keys just right so it slides open.
The man steps right in, holding a soft smile as Michael left his front home open to a supposed intruder.
“You know, doppelgangers?” Michael continued, walking in the room. The man’s mouth formed an ‘O’ in realization outside of his vision. “You’re doing a bad job at this.”
As Michael walked in, he thought about the doppelganger. If his doppelganger wanted to kill him, he would have done so immediately, right? Thinking about it, he shouldn’t… let the doppelganger enter his house or turn his back on the doppelganger at all.
He turned around. The man was right behind him.
“!” He sharply inhaled and covered his face, turning to the opposite side. His heart beating out of his chest. “Oh my god,”
“Chill, I’m not going to replace your existence.”
Michael gave him a deadpan look, then took a step back. The man tilted his head and looking at it, the man’s lips formed a soft smile. Wait, why was he acting so familiar with him? He was a stranger.
“No, wait.” Michael held out a hand in a stop gesture. The man contented with standing there, as Michael had a mini breakdown.
He took a deep breath, “Why are you here?”
Michael fully faced his doppelganger? whoever this person is who looked exactly like him. The man looked stressed, kind of, wearing the same red jacket as him. He looked like his face when he looks at the pictures and the mirror.
“If you’re not going to replace me, then why are you in front of my house?”
Without missing a beat, the man replied.
“I’m your future self.”
What.
The man, his future self apparently, jerked his head towards the fridge, “C’mon, we can talk while having dinner. Unless you want to stand and talk while hungry?”
Michael hurried after him.
Michael sat on the table with a warm cup of coffee. His future self sat on the opposite side.
He didn't drink coffee, favoring juices than the others. The last time he had coffee was when it was as bitter as his soul that he immediately swore off it.
Taking a sip, he found that it wasn't that bad. It wasn't bitter at all. He took another sip, a light expression forming on his face.
As he did, he peeked at the man on the other side. The man was staring down at the cup in deep thought. If there was anyone who would know his non-existent coffee tastes, it would be his future self.
Right as Michael turned his attention back towards his own coffee, letting the awkward silence stew, the sound of a cup slamming down on the table spread in the room.
Michael met his future self's gaze, licking his lips with an empty cup in front of him. It was calm. He gulped, staring openly at him. His future self was confident. He looked like the popular guys in school.
"You can ask." Michael, future Michael, his future self, whatever shrugged. "I'm still you so it probably doesn't matter."
"What do I call you?"
"Kael," he replied. "Ka-el. Related to our name but also not too much."
"Not too much? That's only a wrong call away!"
"People won't think too much about it."
He squinted at him, "Have you thought about this?"
Kael quietly chuckled. A playful grin on his face. "You can't tell me we didn't think about this before."
Michael pouted. He was right but he was tempted to disagree from spite.
"Out of all the people we know," Kael continued, standing up for a short while and turning the chair to the side, sitting on it comfortably instead of properly tucking his legs under the table. “I know I won’t be surprised if my future or past self just arrived out of thin air.”
“All of the people we know?”
As unfortunate as it is, Michael could count on one hand the number of people he know of personally. Kael went quiet but kept his gaze even at Michael. The boy evaded his gaze, looking to the side.
It made sense, he supposed. He was older. It would be pitiful if he only had Jeremy as his friend after high school.
“You’ll have more friends.” Kael softly spoke.
Michael looked up. Kael smiled, but it was… Michael didn’t know how to explain it.
“Wha-”
“Anyway!” Kael cut him off, “I was wondering if you’ll let me stay here until I get back.”
The older man’s face brightened while Michael still struggled to make sense of his expression from before. “If not, I’ll just… well, I’ll figure something out.”
At his words, Michael frowned, “Well, you can stay. Our parents aren’t in the country anyway.”
It was weird. This whole situation was weird. Kael left the table to settle in one their parent’s rooms with much to Michael’s attempt to not have Kael do that. It was their parents’ room! Kael still went to the room.
Michael dejectedly followed him. He believed Kael when he said he was his future self. It was the better option over him being a doppelganger that he needed to fight with his life. However, there was something else as if he’ll be gone the next day. Was that just how college was?
…can he not take college?
Kael wore some of his clothes. Any of Michael’s thoughts dropped with the fact that he hadn’t grown a single bit.
Michael, no, rather, Kael didn’t know how he arrived in the past. He used his moms’ computer in the bedroom, browsing idlely on the internet as he pondered on the reasons.
It was a technology thing. It totally is. If the Squip existed, then time travel was possible as well. Kael scrolled mindlessly. He doesn’t really care.
Whatever brought him here in this world, in this time, would bring him back as well. He had an idea as to why he was here, specifically in a time where his past self looked much, much more cheerful.
He was then left with two options: to tell or not to tell. He sighed, shutting the computer down.
The years had passed him by, slowly. Kael moved out with the rest of the Squip gang out of the city for college. Learned how to socialize. To be like the others. Leaving the insecure boy in high school who didn’t want to let go of his best friend.
Countless reasons passed through his mind, justifying what happened. He couldn’t accept them easily. He’d heard enough rumors about him not fitting with the gang in high school. The Squip gang did quick work with those rumors but it never left Michael. He wasn’t like the others who could move on so easily.
But he could pretend. He did. He couldn’t let the same thing happen in college and so, he learned. Learned how to be better, to be more, to be worthy, to be everything he wasn’t.
To ensure that he wouldn’t be that boy again.
The boy trapped in the bathroom as his world burned around him.
Michael was that person.
Kael… didn’t know what to do.
He slept it away, just like all the problems he had.
Michael had other thought on what might happen if his future self appeared. Kael warning himof something. A disaster, or a natural epidemic, or investing in stocks or lotto numbers but instead, he wasn’t!
Kael hung out with him whenever Michael went back home from school, taking the time to help around the house and even posting videos online somehow?
He had a lot of thoughts on what it meant with being from the future. This was not it.
“Don’t you have something to tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
“Like, I don’t know! You’re not even getting stoned or something or whatever college dudes do!”
“You’re right, it has been a while.”
“What?”
“Let’s get stoned!”
“What?”
Michael was out cold the entire morning the next day. Kael wasn’t far behind, waking up only an hour earlier, when Michael rushed out of the basement to catch up on his afternoon classes and saw the man with wet hair and on the kitchen.
He blamed his absence on personal matters. The teachers suspicious but without the smell with Kael working his magic, they couldn’t do anything except assign him more homework.
Which Kael helped him with lazily.
“What about integration?”
“Integration of e is e except if it’s chaining?”
“We don’t have e in this assignment.”
“Ah, damn. Can’t help you with that.”
“Wha, hey, you could at least help me!”
“Let me think about it, no- Wait, wait, wait, don’t- I’ll help, I’ll help!”
“Hehe.”
Michael grew more comfortable with Kael as he asked about other things.
“What about lottery numbers?”
“Dude, I don’t remember what we had for breakfast.”
“Worth a shot.”
“There was a new trend in the future about Bob Marley’s songs.”
“Really?”
“I was the cool kid when that happened. That was nice.”
“When?!”
“I’m not telling you.”
“That won’t stop me with loving more of his songs.”
It felt nice. It was like having a brother. Not that he knew how having a brother would feel but it would be like this. Kael followed after his thoughts so easily. Every conversation flowing with such an ease.
Was this how it felt having someone with the same wavelength as you?
He didn’t want this to end at all.
the squip
rich
and jeremy
“Kael!”
Michael burst through the door and yelled at the top of his lungs, rushing up the stairs with a grin. His footsteps thundered loudly, slamming the door open.
Kael jolted up, “Whu-” right as Michael jumped on the bed, bouncing him on it. The older man ran his hands along the top of the bed, palming for his glasses and placing it on his face.
“I found something, and it’s so cool, and it’s really amazing how you can barely find it on the internet!”
Michael whispered loudly, eyes wide with excitement. The older man’s eyes were slightly puffy and teary as he tried to rub the sleepiness away. He leaned back on the bed. Michael scooted closer, pulling his foot up the bed.
From the past weeks, Michael had only grown more and more comfortable with Kael. Their interests matching with ease. Nonstop conversations that barely petered out from lack of interest.
“Did you find out about the hidden easter egg inside the Microphone tape?” Kael yawned.
“There’s an easter egg?!” Michael shouted, scrambling to his feet and to the nearest dresser for a pen and paper. “We’ll talk about this later, but it’s not that.”
Michael tucked the folded paper somewhere on his body and made his way back to the bed.
“It’s about this thing called a Squip!”
The smile on Kael’s face froze.
“Jeremy told me about it, and we’re planning to buy it this weekend.” Michael continued, grinning. “Did your Jeremy also get it, too?”
Kael pulled his lips up and smiled, “Of course.”
His younger self continued on. Kael stared at him with that same smile. Michael didn’t notice a thing.
Kael, stuck in his thoughts, remained back inside the house as Michael left for school the next day. He started with the chores for the day. With Kael meticulously taking care of the chores everyday, there was barely anything left to be done for the other days.
As he broomed the floor, sweeping nonexistent dust. The memories of his own past, Michael’s future, flew in his mind.
It was the worst few months of his life.
If you think about it, logically, everything turned out well in the end. Sure, the SQUIP gang was traumatized for life and Kael had begun sticking to them like glue because of reasons but nothing too bad happened! Just a nightmare that ended when they all woke up. No big deal at all!
He sighed. It’s been only a week since, and he’s already going mad.
None of what happened was good. All the others struggled with the aftermath that Kael himself was proud of how far they’ve come in college. Jeremy was no exception. He had attempted countless ways to downplay what happened to him, what the Squip had done to him. Kael was right there to stop that.
He was always there.
If people back in high school and college knew just how much they’ve worked so hard to move past the Squipocalypse, they would’ve also been just as proud as him if not more.
Okay, maybe Kael is being over optimistic. People can be cruel, are cruel, if given the right reasons.
Even he could have been cruel. He was given the right reasons, he only had to act on it but he didn’t.
Right now, Michael would be facing that same situation and… Kael had to make a choice. What would he even do? What would Michael even do given the same situation? Knowing that his best friend, his childhood friend would leave him when given the change.
It wasn’t that dramatic but- Ugh, the point is, Kael placed himself in Michael’s shoes, the him of years ago, if his future self told him his best friend would leave him, what would he do?
What can he do?
Don’t believe then sit in horror realizing you’ve been warned and yet, you were still foolish to cling to your bestfriend that would always leave you because you had no other friends left?
Or believe and sit with the knowledge that you weren’t enough and either try your best to make yourself enough or leave before it gets worse and feel guilty for leaving your friend?
Kael took a sit, eyes tearing up at those two options when telling Michael. They weren’t good enough. Both with hurt Michael. He didn’t want to hurt him.
Tell Jeremy? He didn’t dare believe Jeremy would throw away the slimmest chance of being with Christine.
If he told him that the Squip would hurt him, would he change his mind?
No, no, no, he would still take it. He knew what their state was. Michael was content being with Jeremy but Jeremy, he, he wasn’t. Not right now. Not in the past. Not in this time. Not yet.
He took a shaky breath then another. Taking deep breaths one after another.
He can’t tell him. He can’t tell Michael. He’d rather not tell him and bear the brunt of his anger than having him suffer with the option.
The past would repeat but it would be different. Kael would be there. Michael was alone. He hoped it was enough.
He walked outside to take a breath of fresh air and he’ll be needing it once it starts.
Michael barely noticed since he was attending school during the day but Kael was leaving the house. He admits, the moment he found out Kael was leaving the house, he panicked.
“Aren’t you afraid?” He once asked, trying to be as casual as he can. “You know, when leaving the house.”
“I’ll tell them your my childhood bestfriend.” The teasing grin in Kael’s face was wide.
Michael rolled his eyes. Kael already knew about Jeremy, “What about long lost cousin?”
“You don’t want childhood bestfriend?”
“Dude, Jeremy will know.”
“New bestfriend?”
Kael was pursuing this matter a bit too much to Michael’s comfort. Michael frowned, not knowing how to broach the topic.
“Just kidding,” Kael walked past him, ruffling his hair in an awkward manner considering they were both at the same height. “Long lost cousin from, well, let’s just say no one knows exactly which mom anymore.”
Before Michael could speak up, Kael had instantly cued up on his discomfort and changed the topic so easily. He was grateful and with it, looking forward to it as well.
Because Kael was him, and Michael would soon be someone like Kael.
That weekend, Michael asked Kael for spoilers.
“Come oooon!”
Kael laughed awkwardly as Michael staunchly clung to his leg. His arms and hands were wrapped tightly around the older man’s left leg making him amble slowly towards the kitchen.
“Dude, I can’t tell you if I forgot,” Kael trailed off with a nervous laugh.
“How can you forget getting a supercomputer?!”
When put it like that, it did seem odd, Kael thought, dragging Michael towards the couch before landing on it with a pomf. Michael pat the front of his shirt from dragging it on the floor. Kael did clean the house but that didn’t make it clean enough to start dragging your self on it.
“Scooch.” Michael took up the entirety of the remaining couch space as Kael scooched over before landing his head on Kael’s lap. His eyes landed on Kael’s amused face looking down at him.
“Aren’t you way too comfortable with a doppelgänger?”
Michael’s eyes flit to the side before answering hesitantly, “It’s still me, right? I mean, do you mind? I can sit up-”
He attempted to sit up, but the older man pulled him back down on his lap and muttered with a reassuring smile, “No, it’s okay.”
“It’s fine. I was just worried if you weren’t forcing yourself,” Kael continued.
The view from above was odd. Kael had always lied down on Jeremy’s lap and so, he, they were always used to looking up from above. “I should try lying down on your lap. It feels weird looking down.”
Michael laughed. Kael could feel it through his thighs. At least one of the two between them was comfortable.
“You really don’t remember anything about getting the Squip?”
Kael shook his head, “All I remember was going home alone.”
“Alone?” Michael frowned, “Jeremy’s going with me later.”
The older man closed his eyes and placed his fingers on his forehead, feigning trying to remember. It was years ago but he did remember each moment, not that he can tell Michael. He shook his head.
“No dice. I really can’t remember too much about it.”
“Aw, no spoilers.”
“Just tell me all the details later. Maybe I’ll remember.”
Michael grinned, “Just wait for me later!”
And he did. Michael returned home earlier than expected. His younger self had left at around 10 am and he returned not even two hours later.
“Michael?” Kael called out from the kitchen, hearing the front door open and the car parking in the garage.
No response. A bitter smile formed on his lips.
“Michael?”
Kael washed his hands in the sink before turning his head towards the living room, just in time to see Michael’s figure climbing the stairs without a word. The older man turned off the sink, letting the suds in the plates dry off in the air with a mental note to rewash all the plates later on.
He followed after Michael. The door to the boy’s room was unlocked, slightly ajar. Kael stared at it before opening the door all the way with barely a greeting. There was a figure curled up in the sheets.
“What’s wrong?” Kael pulled a chair closer to the bed and sat on it, tugging at one of the corners of the bedsheets as he went. He guessed, “Jeremy?”
Michael peeled the sheets off of him, showing his face. He looked up at Kael, with an expression bordering embarrassment and petulance. Kael waited patiently, hands playing with the edges of the bedsheets.
“It’s not, it’s not that, hmmm,” The boy groaned to himself, sitting upright but still putting the sheets over his head like a hoodie and bunching the rest in his hands under his chin.
He took a few breaths, steeling himself and then said, “I saw Jeremy leave with Brooke Lohst.”
Ah, Kael thought, that did happen. Michael attentively watched his face. A heavy pit formed in Kael’s gut waiting for the accusation. To have Michael ask why he didn’t say anything but he only heaved a sigh, looking off to the side.
“He left without a word.” The younger man continued. Kael’s body relaxed as he continued listening, “It’s fine! If, like, he told me about it. I just waited for him outside and he took so long until, ugh.”
Michael removed the sheets on him right as Kael moved to sit on the bed instead. “Jeremy gets so shaky with girls as well! Did he do this…”
Realization lit in his eyes as he looked at Kael with stars in the eyes, “Wait, do you think the Squip worked? Is that why Jeremy could talk with Brooke?! That’s- that’s amazing!”
Kael fixed his gaze on Michael’s face. A worried look with a weird smile tugging on his lips. He couldn’t say he perfectly understands what Michael’s going through. He did go through it, but the years have faded away everything, especially now that he understands why it had happened.
That’s a lie. He absolutely did but it would be better if he didn’t. Maybe then, he would… He let the thought hang in the air and looked over at Michael.
“I still have some cash with me from when I travelled here.” He said instead, “Want to go hang out?”
“What?”
Kael didn’t say anything else, dragging his younger self to his feet instead. He ignored the boy’s protests and drived them both to the nearest 7/11 for a big cup of smoothie. Michael for his part, let himself be dragged and relax with his comfort drink.
Michael slumped on the table outside the store, “That hit the spot…” before sipping on his drink. Kael wasn’t any different, closing his eyes himself in favor of savoring the smoothie.
“You feeling better?” Kael had originally planned to take Michael back to the mall to calm his worries but he worried if Jeremy would still be there. No, it would be better if Jeremy was still there so they can talk it out instead of having Michael talk to Jeremy in school only to be ignored blatantly.
But his mind wandered to a 7/11 store just before the mall and he quickly changed his mind. He doesn’t know why but seeing Michael more relaxed, he feels much better with that decision.
Kael’s gaze wandered and his eyes locked on to Jeremy, walking home. With quick motions, he stood up from his chair and blocked Michael from his sight.
Michael looked up at him as Kael pointed inside, “Hey, do you think you can buy me that? The Pringles?”
“Huh?” Michael followed his gaze, squinting inside the store. Kael glanced to the side, seeing Jeremy look over at them and freeze. “The Pringles? Dude, that’s expensi-”
Kael’s gaze locked with Jeremy. A tug on his sleeve made him look down, watching Michael also look at the same way.
The older man clicked his tongue. He couldn’t stop Jeremy from seeing Michael. Jeremy’s gaze flitted to empty air and towards them. The Squip was there.
Kael was more concerned about Michael who looked increasingly tense, as if preparing to do something. Panic was evident in Jeremy’s eyes. That was clear when his shoulders tensed and kept looking at them.
‘He should have been more careful,’ he thought. Kael should have went to another 7/11.
His eyes caught Jeremy starting to open his mouth and the grip on his sleeve tightened. Kael’s feet moved on its own, stepping forward to block Michael from Jeremy. His back towards Jeremy.
What was he doing? He doesn’t even know what he’s doing right now. Why did he turn his back-
“You look like you’re panicking more than me.” Kael snapped out of his thoughts. Eyes wide as he looked at Michael who stared up at him with sad eyes.
“I-” Kael barely mustered the energy for a weak chuckle, “I don’t even know why.”
“Hey, you should be consoling me here. It’s my first time seeing my best friend ditch me for a supercomputer and a girl. Let’s go buy that Pringles?” Michael stood up, walking towards the entrance with stiff steps. He looked miserable. Kael felt miserable.
Michael didn’t take another look at Jeremy. Kael watched him go and turned back towards where Jeremy was. Jeremy’s eyes trailed after Michael before noticing Kael look back at him.
He wanted to be brave in front of this Jeremy. To be more than who he really was.
Jeremy was hurt.
Michael would be hurt by Jeremy.
Michael would forgive Jeremy.
That was what happened and that was what would happen if Kael wasn’t there. Could he change it?
He tore his eyes away and walked away. He had thought about it countless times to his own Jeremy, but he couldn’t.
During the ride home, Michael mulled over his thoughts.
“Wait,” he said out loud, “Did Jeremy just leave the mall? Did I leave him instead?!”
“You waited for two hours,” was Kael’s biting reply. Michael jumped at the anger in his voice, he turned towards him from the passenger’s seat. His grip on the wheel was tight. “If he didn’t intend to leave you, he should have informed you instead of having you wait.”
“I… you’re right.”
Silence prevailed inside the car as they continued on.
‘Awkward…’ Michael thought. The silence prevailing until they arrived home.
Kael didn’t immediately leave. Michael felt glued to his seat.
“Uh… I’ll g-”
“Ugh.” Kael banged his head on the steering wheel. His shoulder’s slumping down. “I’m sorry. It’s just, I don’t mean to get angry at you. It’s not… you. It’s. ugh, as much as it’s cliche, it’s my me.”
Michael watched as Kael just let his head rest on the wheel. The bangs hiding his eyes.
“Do you… know what will happen?”
“...yes.”
“Did Jeremy leave you, too?”
Kael pushed himself off the wheel and gave him a dead look. It was the first time Michael saw him like that, like he was just reliving countless memories he’d rather not revisit.
“Uh, if it’s going to cause-”
“He did.” Kael stiffly told him, eyes looking down, “I can’t… I won’t tell you.”
“What?”
Michael felt like Kael was performing 3D chess in his mind right now, seeing his troubled look. They were still inside the car.
“Won’t tell me?” Michael repeated.
Kael took a deep breath and looked at Michael’s eyes, “There is a lot that will happen in the future and I’m choosing not tell you what will happen.”
Michael was the judge and jury. That was how it felt with Kael waiting for him to answer. Choosing not to tell him? Isn’t that… fine? The time travel paradox and all that. If he told him, the events that would make him him won’t happen.
“That’s… okay?”
“No, it isn’t.”
That was ominous, Michael thought.
“Let’s head back inside, “ Without another word, Kael left the car and Michael could only ponder on his words.
Michael regretted not asking Kael for more information about the future but he didn’t. Not when Jeremy started ignoring him outright to his face.
He would wave his hand in front of Jeremy’s face and his best friend would ignore him. He didn’t bother calling out to him again not when Jeremy called out to him first.
“Michael?”
Michael sighed harshly before looking at Jeremy. “Now, you talk to me?” He couldn’t help it. It was frustrating seeing Jeremy ignore him outright and then come up to him like nothing happened.
“What?” Jeremy stammered, blinking at him in confusion.
“I know the Squip worked ever since you ditched me in the mall but it’s still- Ugh, nevermind.”
“Ditched you?” Jeremy’s wide eyes furrowed in an instant in anger, “You ditched me! You hung out in a 7//11 with someone else without telling me!”
Michael was taken back before shouting back, “Me?! I wasn’t the one who left my best friend without a word!”
“What-” Jeremy’s gaze immediately flitted to empty air. It was a familiar gesture. Michael realized what it was. Kael had told him about it. The Squip.
“Jeremy?”
Jeremy took a deep breath, closing his eyes and looking at him with the same look Kael shot him with. Determined eyes of someone who’s going to make a decision.
“Optic nerve blocking on,” was Jeremy’s final words before his eyes refocused in the distance. Ignoring him once again as if he was invisible before walking away.
“Optic nerve blocking?” Michael whispered. The curiosity was outweighed by the heavy weight that settled on his shoulders. It was different if it was a one time thing like that time with the mall but this was different.
Jeremy wouldn’t say such random words like that and just, not see him! That made no sense! It was the Squip. It was definitely that.
Michael watched Jeremy walk away from him willingly.
‘I won’t tell you.’
Kael’s words rang in his mind.
He attended his class barely listening, noting down the words on the board while his mind flew with more words than what he was actually writing.
First, Kael didn’t want to tell him. His older self clarified that as much as he could. It wasn’t that he couldn’t tell him but he will not tell him. He didn’t want to tell him.
There are countless reasons why that could be. Michael’s notes drifted to doodling himself twice, one for Kael and one for him.
One, what happened was so bad that Kael didn’t want to tell him.
Two, it’s what he first said when Kael told him about it. It would change how he would turn out in the future.
He admits that the situation right now sucked. Without Kael, he would be moping about Jeremy ignoring him. About the Squip doing something to him.
It would be easier if Kael would tell him something but he’s choosing not to! Something was going on with Jeremy and he doesn’t know what it meant.
He needed to ask.
When he went home, Kael didn’t tell him a single thing, remaining silent even when Michael shouted at him. Michael kept asking Kael for information and Kael didn’t say a single thing. Only pieces of information that didn’t matter at all.
He did the research himself, with Kael only delivering him food in front of his door. He hated the man but he couldn’t hate the food he delivered.
Kael was still witholding all information, especially Jeremy. He knew Jeremy was still his friend even if he ditched him. What was friends if they didn’t do those kinds of things, right?
When Michael left the house to head for the Halloween party, Kael was there leaning on the entryway to the garage. Michael walked past him.
“You’ll regret it.”
Michael said, "I'm going anyway."
Kael sighed and looked away. Michael entered the car without another word and left.
The car grew smaller in the distance. Kael crouched down besides the doorway, opening his own phone. He would wait for him return because he would.
The night was deep, but Kael didn’t move, still on his phone. Time passed. The sounds of a car roared from far away.
Michael returned home with soot and the smell of smoke around him. He looked miserable.
Kael stood up and opened the door, “I’ll make us some food.”
He didn’t say anything else and headed straight to the fridge. Footsteps sounded behind him, following after as the door closed shut. Silence prevailed the kitchen.
“Why aren’t you saying anything?” Michael said. Kael rummaged the cupboard for a light snack.
“Why would I? I already know what you’ve been through.”
He heard quiet sobs behind him. “Was… was Jeremy really like that?”
“He gets better.”
“But he still left us.”
“We figure some out in the future. We’ll be friends again.”
Michael stood up, the chair skidding back loudly. He glared at Kael who looked back at him calmly, “That doesn’t make it okay! Just because he’s popular, he just ignores us?! I, I, is it because of him that you’re… you’re cool and handsome and confident and… Just to be friends with him again? I don’t…”
Tears fell down on his cheeks as he sobbed. Kael slides him a bowl of chocolate cereal.
“Come on, eat up.”
Michael was shaking so hard.
Kael sat on the opposite end of the table, watching his past self’s world crumble. He looks down at the bowl in front of him and scooped a spoonful in his mouth. It doesn’t taste like anything, but he forces it down.
He remembered going home, not caring for anything, burning the reminders of his friendship with Jeremy until Papa Heere arrived and knocked some sense into him. He’s not going to be the one to do that, scooping another spoon of cereal. Michael won’t believe him.
A mirthless smile formed on his lips. He didn’t believe himself these days.
How could he tell him the cloying resentment that festered while Jeremy lived the time of his life without him? No, what was he thinking? The scars in Jeremy’s back said otherwise.
He knew that.
Jeremy suffered. He didn’t have the time of his life.
He suffered under that thing’s control and manipulation. It wasn’t Jeremy’s fault. Any of it.
“It was my choice.” Jeremy cried in his arms. Michael patted his back. His heart oddly numb as Jeremy confessed. “I chose to ignore you, Michael. It wasn’t, it wasn’t the SQUIP. It was me! I, I’m so sorry. I don’t deserve you. You should just-”
Michael tightened his grip on him and pulled him closer
“It’s alright.” It wasn’t.
“You were manipulated by that thing, so it’s not all your fault.” It’s true.
“Even if you did choose to ignore me, you’re here now, aren’t you? You fought back and now you’re here. I forgive you, Jeremy. For everything.”
Jeremy cried harder, burying his face in his chest, his body heaving. Michael continued patting his back.
I forgive you, but I won’t forget
Even until now, Kael held those thorny memories in his hands, wrapping it tight in his memories until his heart ached so much. Until his pillow was wet with tears, soaked at 3 AM.
He hated himself. He hated Jeremy when it wasn’t Jeremy’s fault, but he hated him. He hated and loved him in one breath.
How can Kael tell that to Michael? How can he tell him that he would soon hate and love Jeremy the most? The one person he can’t let go, but the one person he wants to stay away from so much.
How can he tell him that Kael hated himself so much for hating Jeremy? He can’t even pinpoint the exact reason anymore. Was it because Jeremy left multiple times? Was it something else, or was it just something Kael told himself until it was the only thing he remembered?
It wasn’t Jeremy’s fault. Jeremy deserved the world after what he went through.
Kael took another bite.
Even so, it didn’t change that Kael hated himself Jeremy.
It hurt him, seeing Michael like this, knowing that it would be like this for at least a few weeks. Kael didn’t give him much of a choice to change this, only his companionship.
Kael walked to Michael’s bedroom door, carrying a tray of milk and dry chocolate cereal. He opened the door without knocking.
“Hey, wanna go over Insane Yario 63’s easter eggs?”
Michael curled up, “I don’t want to.”
Kael placed the tray on his bedside drawer and sat beside him on the bed. Michael pushed off the blanket from his head slightly to glare at him.
“I’m sulking here.”
“I know. Thought you wanted a presence that doesn’t speak for the next hour while I eat Momo Crunch.”
Michael pulled the blanket over his head. Kael sat on the bed, looking at the faraway wall, while he ate the cereal one by one with his hands.
Crunching noises filled the room. The two men sat silently in the room. One covered completely with the blanket and another with a bowl in one hand, eating.
“...ask…”
“Hm?”
“...didn’t…me…”
“Your voice is muffled by the way.” Kael said, throwing another cereal to his mouth and missing entirely.
“I said,” Michael pushed off the blanket off his head, his eyes shifting between Kael and the bed, “why aren’t you saying anything? Shouldn’t you be comforting me and offering me your snacks?”
“First, this is my Momo Crunch and milk, get yours. Second, I know I wouldn’t want anyone to give me empty words except if you want it? Third, I’m not in the place to say anything when I didn’t tell you a thing.”
Michael found himself moving closer to Kael, leaning on his shoulder. He closed his eyes, aware of Kael’s every movement. The rise and fall of his shoulder. The noise of his chewing.
He poured his entire body weight on Kael. The man didn’t waver in his position. Even until Kael finished eating, the man only put the bowl back on the bedside drawer and put the glass of milk in his hands.
Michael soon fell asleep.
Kael finished the glass of milk in his hands and raised a hand to pat Michael’s head. He leaned his head back on the bed header and prepared to fall asleep.
It didn't matter if he didn't speak because Kael would still be there with him.
Papa Heere arrived.
Kael had started calling him that after the man visited them on college. The man stumbled upon them on the yard.
A small fire burned in the middle of their yard. Both Kael and Michael organized all the memento Michael had of Jeremy. Michael had only opted to just burn all of them but Kael severely delayed the process by looking at each of them with nostalgia.
What. Kael had already burned all of his!
“You…”
“Mr. Heere! It-” Michael trailed off, sitting up right as Papa Heere arrived.
“Uh, sorry for interrupting. Are you two busy?”
“No…”
Kael snorted as Michael was awkward. He stood up and walked towards Papa Heere, reaching out a hand for a handshake.
“Nice to meet you, Mr. Heere. You can call me Kael.”
Papa Heere’s expression morphed into surprise before he grasped Kael’s hand firmly. He shot him a grin.
“It’s very nice to meet you, too, Kael. I have something to talk about with Michael, if you don’t mind.”
“Don’t worry, I can leave.”
Kael bowed his head towards Papa Heere and made a peace out gesture towards Michael. He chuckled at the look of horror on his face, mouthing, ‘Don’t leave me here, alone!’ making eyes towards Papa Heere. The man frowned before turning to Michael, who smoothed out his expression in an instant.
“See you later, Kael!” like the man hadn’t been begging for mercy. Kael headed inside the house, closing the door in front of him. He saw Mr. Heere’s remorseful expression as he faced Michael before the door closed fully.
As soon as Kael closed the door, Michael's mood dropped in an instant. Mr. Heere's gaze was on him, but he couldn't muster the courage to care.
He didn't realize how much he relied on Kael's presence. The man understood everything without him needing to say anything.
It's like Jeremy never left.
"Michael?" He jolted and put on an awkward smile.
"Mr. Heere! Uh, you need something?"
"It's about Jeremy."
His smile froze on his lips. He didn't want to talk about him.
His feet found his way towards the yard seat. Mr. Heere followed him.
"Jeremy's in trouble and I-"
"What makes you think he would even listen to me?"
Mr. Heere's lips thinned as he frowned. Michael huffed and looked away, picking up the stack of pictures.
"I don't but we need to do something. If Jeremy can't see us, then we just need to force him to see us."
"We'll still be friends again."
He remembered Kael's words and the sad look on his face. Was this it?
Did Michael crawl back to him and try to let him see? Did Mr. Heere talk to him like this?
He wanted Jeremy back but to what extent?
"It's hard, I know." Mr. Heere said. "But friendship goes both ways. We need to stand up for them when things go wrong and do what's right even if they don't think so."
Michael mulled over his words. Both ways… He knew that but if it went both ways, why was Kael still so sad?
He was sad but he didn't force Michael to do anything. He let him make his own decisions, knowing this outcome. If Kael was able to save his Jeremy, why didn’t his Jeremy save him?
Even knowing this, will his own Jeremy let him go down that path as well?
If Jeremy won't be that friend, why would he?
Mr. Heere remained quiet as Michael was in deep thought. No matter what happened in the future, what happened was here and now, and Michael didn’t want to give up on Jeremy.
Somehow, somehow, he has an idea why Kael didn’t say anything to him.
"If I'm going to try, then you have to try as well." Michael stood up from his seat and looked at Mr. Heere. It wasn't just him and Jeremy.
It was also about Mr. Heere. As Jeremy’s best friend, they knew almost everything about each other’s family. Mr. Heere was one of the reasons why his moms were able to leave the country peacefully.
Michael and Jeremy grew up together for years (not that it mattered for Jeremy) Who would they trust if not him? It was the same for Michael.
He trusted Mr. Heere. He watched them struggle for years and coming to him for help was one of the biggest things he had seen him done. If he gave up, it wasn’t just him.
Michael would do it, if only it was for Mr. Heere's sake and proving that he wasn't a bad friend.
Kael pushed the set of red Mountain Dew soda under the bed, tucking it alongside the other sets he had bought in the past with the spare money he had carried over. For a moment, he was incredibly grateful for having so much cash in his wallet.
With that said, it was a fruitless effort, saving up so much. He, himself, only needed one bottle. He didn’t need a set, nor did he need multiple sets.
However, he was prepared. In the event that he did need that many, if Michael failed because of his presence, if he had ruined his younger self’s life.
Kael couldn’t do that again.
Right in time, Michael burst open the front door.
“Kael, Kael, we need to-!”
Kael turned around, crouching on the edge of the bed, the red from the Mountain Dew soda peeking from under the bed. Michael’s face lit up both in surprise and glee.
He remained inside as Michael rushed here and there to stash the juice inside his car. Months have passed since he’s appeared in this time, and everything was still happening the same way as he had lived through it.
He looked out of the window as Michael waved his hand outside the car window, waving back. He wondered when he’ll return home.
Once he did, it would all end, Kael thought.
He felt tired. He wanted to go home. More than anything, he wanted the comfort of his own home.
This was the past. This wasn’t Kael’s life.
There was nothing he could really do. Kael thought about it, stopping Jeremy from taking the SQUIP, taking it for his past self, changing what happened, helping his past self.
But what use would it all do? He ignored it, as he always did.
After what happened to him, Jeremy always felt guilty about it, but he didn’t need to feel guilty. Wasn’t it all because he wasn’t enough?
Kael knew he shouldn’t talk like this but he wanted to know if Michael’s end to this nightmare would bring him back. It felt like he won’t. He doesn’t know how but he felt that he won’t return even if Michael ends everything.
Then, it must be something else. What was it?
Was it him?
He did everything to fit in, and he did, but he wasn’t happy. What did that make him? He didn’t know. The futility of his actions sunk on his shoulders heavily. What else could it be?
He was the only one to travel back in time.
It must be him. What else could it be? If it is, then what else does he need to do to return? What else?
The moment that Michael returned home, when everything finally ended, any reservations that Kael held for hiding information was gone.
“I thought I would return but I haven’t.” Michael felt more relieved than anything when Kael said that. The man sat back on the couch with an easy smile on his face. “I’ll be staying until we find the reason for this.”
Michael watched as Kael remained easygoing. He’d been here for months but Kael was still okay. “Aren’t you nervous?”
“Hm?” Kael tilted his head.
“Aren’t you afraid that you’ll be stuck here forever?” It was a horrifying thought for Michael. Seeing Kael like this, remaining calm, it was almost hard to believe that Kael was his future self.
“Of course, I’m afraid.” Kael calmly replied, “But I don’t want to worry you and it won’t help anything if I panic.”
Michael stared at Kael, imagining if he was in his situation. Being alone in the past and knowing what will happen. In all the ways that it could happen. All he felt was admiration when he first met him but this time, all he felt was the anxious grip on his chest.
He’s going to be like him?
It’s impossible. It sounds impossible. He’s, he’s him. Kael is everything he wanted to be, even if he wasn’t perfect. He was still him.
Kael would sometimes talk about the others but never himself. How successful was Kael? Michael gulped.
“How are you in the future?” He asked. Kael raised an eyebrow at the sudden question. Michael didn’t elaborate, waiting for his reply.
“It’s not good. It’s not bad, either.” Kael shrugged, answering after a while, “I guess, that’s just what we need in life.”
Michael was confused. It was college. Everyone knows everyone changed in college, “Doesn’t that mean it’s bad? Because you’re not doing anything.”
“We don’t need to do anything. That’s the point.”
“Then, what about our collection of vintage cassettes? We didn’t expand more on it? Or, or, a sequel! On a video game! Don’t tell me you don’t play that anymore?”
"..."
Oh. Michael realized as Kael didn’t say anything. He really didn’t. Kael was his future self and yet, there were so far away from each other. Michael was still… this. This… weirdo who likes old things while Kael had started to grow up and be an adult and be all cool and stuff and be responsible and- Michael can’t be that person.
“Don’t think about it too much,” Kael stood up from his seat and ruffled on his hair. Michael looked up at him with teary eyes. “That’s just life. Some things change, some things remain the same. What are you worried about?”
“It’s… It’s just…” Michael slumped, “When I first saw you, you were confident. You were… you weren’t afraid of anything. Well, there was that one time in that 7/11 but you were still there for me.”
Kael remained quiet as Michael continued. “It felt like seeing the me that I wanted to be but it sounds so, so far from me.”
“What part? We’re pretty similar.”
“No, we aren’t.” Michael resolutely denied. “What changed?”
“...The Squip gang, trauma over my childhood friend leaving me, everything else?” Kael gave a quiet chuckle.
“What?”
“Us.” Kael said. “You’d know better than I do what happened if we remain the same.”
“No, I don’t!”
Michael slapped away his hand from his hair and stood up to face him. Kael was taller than him, but it didn’t matter.
“I know I’m younger than you but is being an adult means that we don’t enjoy that kind of stuff anymore. Is it because you’re with the cool kids now, and you can’t enjoy those stuff when you’re the cool kids? That you have to maintain that reputation, but I don’t get it. I don’t!”
Michael stammered, continuing, “Do I, do I have to give it up all up? To be popular? Should I? I don’t know. It would be easier, right? I don’t…”
“What about your friends?!” He looked at Kael, shouting loudly. It wasn’t about Kael anymore, “They don’t think it’s weird, right or do they, does Jeremy think it’s…”
“Stop.” Kael said.
“No!” Michael breathing was ragged. “If I need to give it up, to be friends with Jeremy again, it doesn’t matter. I’ll just give it up and-”
Kael put his hands on his shoulders, “Stop.”
Michael stared at his eyes. Kael’s face was scrunched with regret and something. How do people in comics know what the other person’s thinking through their faces? He can’t even understand what Kael is thinking!
“Take deep breaths.”
Michael matched Kael’s breathing. Soon, Kael let his hands fall to the side and Michael sat down on the chair. Kael pulled one closer to him and sat close to him.
“They don’t think it’s weird,” Kael starts. “The gang already knew about our interests. They… thought it was weird at first, but they didn’t mind it when we entered college. I was one of the not weird people in college, believe it or not. Life just seems so much more when we entered college.”
Kael looked out of the window at the trees outside. For his entire life in high school, he only thought of being with Jeremy and just taking life as they come. He couldn’t do that in college. In college, he had to deal with finding jobs, trying to survive a tutorial version of adulthood, and everything else.
Those feelings of insecurity never went away. The gang didn’t tell him anything. They didn’t mind that he was the odd one out of the group. More than that, they spent enjoying time with him. It was just Kael who did all those stuff, accepted hobbies that are revered by society, molded himself to someone he can’t recognize anymore.
He looked back at Michael, his younger self, and opened his mouth to speak, “You say that we’re different, but to me, we’re still the same. When I look at you, it’s like I never changed. I’m still that one kid who just wanted to have friends, who just wanted to fit in.”
He shook his head and whispered, “I just… let life dictate my own… life, I guess but I know that isn’t how it should be. I know that, but it’s hard…”
He bent over to his back, clutching at his eyes as he tried not to cry. It was hard to just go back to doing what he enjoyed when everything he did made it so easier to live. He just didn’t know. There was silence in the room.
“It doesn’t matter.” Kael wiped his eyes and laughed softly. “As I told you, we’re surviving. Okay, maybe we changed, a bit… Only a bit, the rest are still the same right?”
“And they’re still your friends right?”
Kael looked at Michael with sunken eyes. His younger self stared back almost innocently, not knowing how much there is to say about his words. “They could help you.”
Kael looked back down. He was right. They still are his friends. He just… It was only him, who didn’t believe in his friends.
“I almost want to say that I don’t want to.” Kael whispered. “But that’s probably it, isn’t it? If I don’t believe you, who else would I believe?”
Aside from Kael, Michael would be one of the people who would know him best. He was right but… he needed time to think. He won’t dismiss Michael’s words. He knows how much he himself wanted his own words to be heard in the past. He won’t add himself to the list.
“Thank you.” Kael said, looking away for a split second before meeting Michael’s eyes. “For everything.”
“No,” Michael shook his head before smiling, “Thank you.”
Michael woke up alone in the bed. As every night had been. He looked to the side where an empty chair sat.
He would always see Kael there, his head bowed and arms crossed, whenever they ended up talking way into the night. Kael stayed there last night as well. Michael offered him the side of the bed but Kael refused, leaning back on the seat with surprising stability. It was a surprise to learn that he had a better sleep schedule than his future self, waking earlier than he did so he would catch Kael still slumped on the seat.
This morning, he was gone. This time it felt final. The house was quiet. Michael pushed himself up the bed and walked downstairs, seeing no one.
It was final.
Just as Kael helped him, Michael had also helped him. No one would truly meet Kael. Not anymore.
He still had so many things left to ask Kael. Just what happened with Jeremy? How Kael ended up that way? Just changing and a lot of clarification because all he had was assumptions. Assumptions for his future that could never be truly confirmed anymore.
Maybe that was fine. Maybe he didn’t need to know anything anymore. Just that Kael was one of his future. Not a future that he needed to take but one of them.
A future where he still remained with the others. It was going to be harsh, he knew, especially seeing the glimpse of Kael’s life last night. He was afraid but if he was afraid, then all the advice he gave Kael would be useless.
Just to show his future self up, he’ll take his own advice. Talk to his friends more. Talk to Jeremy more.
Michael hid a smile, remembering something else. He wasn’t the type of person to think of the future that seriously but right now, his sole goal was to be taller than Kael was.
Kael found himself back in the future. He looked around. Time has made its way in the buildings that surrounded him.
The cracks and vines that crawled on the sides and the grass that crept through the asphalt bricks. He saw how much time had presented itself in his world.
For a moment, Kael panicked at the thought of the many months that may have passed by in sync with the past. The many months he would be labelled missing but he shoved that aside and thought deeper.
Time. He travelled back in time, moving forward as if it was the present before returning to the future.
Kael saw it in himself. How time had changed him even if he wasn’t in the right timeline. In how he saw his past and Michael. In how he changed their worlds and how they changed his.
He scoffed. Change is a big word when he tried not to change it. No one knew him personally. Not as much as Michael at least. He didn’t change the world but he changed Michael’s.
Maybe that was it. He didn’t need to change the world. He only needed to change one. His own.
He took a deep breath and looked up to the sky, covering his eyes from the sun’s glare.
He was gone for months.
His moms were worried sick and Kael couldn’t say a word except he just slept and woke up. He couldn’t tell them. The Squip gang, on the other hand…
Kael hesitated. He admitted that he hesitated. There were options. Two similar options like he had presented Michael: to tell or not to tell.
However, this time, he would bear everything. There was no Kael for him. There was only him left.
Kael in the future. The thought made him laugh.
He was sorely tempted, very tempted to not tell. To let everything remain the same. To maintain the calm. It wouldn’t fix anything. It would regress every bit of effort he made in the past. Not just his but Michael’s as well.
Would he do that?
He doesn’t have enough moral consciousness to be guilty enough to not do it but did he want to?
He remembered the thoughts and dreams of a boy in highschool outcasted by his peers, abandoned by his best friend of years. As the years went by, those dreams changing with the passage of time but still being trapped in a time that had already passed by.
He thought of Michael.
He didn’t want that boy to be trapped.
He thought of himself. He thought of Kael. He thought of Michael. He thought of himself.
He would tell them. If only for his past self.
Jeremy hugged him tightly once the others had gone home. They had all converged in Michael’s home after hearing that he returned.
“I’m glad you’re back.”
Michael remembered doubting if his friends truly cared for him, if Jeremy cared for him. He remembered his younger self’s words.
“They’re still your friends, right?”
They are. Michael smiled softly and hugged back just as tightly, burying his head in Jeremy’s shoulder.
“I’m back.”
As they parted, Michael looked at Jeremy and saw the concern in his eyes.
“I want to tell you something.”