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“...so we finally walked outside, and it turns out Charmy had been in the flower garden the entire time!”
An eruption of laughter came from the hedgehog, causing him to throw his head backwards. The sound comfortably filled the space and flowed along the soft evening breeze. Espio watched on with no small amount of pride that his trivial anecdote was humorous enough to elicit such a response from the other. Following an afternoon of gardening together, it was nice to take a break and simply enjoy each other's company.
Finally Silver’s laughter subsided, but the smile on his face remained. Espio had grown to greatly enjoy his smile. It sparingly faded, and yet there was never a moment where it wasn’t entirely genuine. It also had the unique ability to make anyone who saw it feel a sudden warm giddiness, or at least that’s what it did to Espio (who had convinced himself it was a perfectly rational emotional response given the circumstances). He’d often wondered how someone who had, quite literally, been to hell and back could remain both so positive and hopeful.
“No wait!!” Silver exclaimed, a slight chuckle still rattling in his voice “Because that reminds me of that one time when we went to Spagonia together!” Espio gave a look of slight confusion.
“You must be mistaken, I’ve never visited Spagonia.” he lightly corrected, but Silver’s eyes just furrowed a bit. “No… I distinctly remember me, you, and the rest of the Chaotix going to Spagonia together.” he said adamantly. Espios' expression shifted from slight confusion to something resembling concern as Silver rattled on more details about a trip he’d never gone on. He pitched himself slightly forwards from where he was sitting towards Silver.
“Silver. That never happened.” Espio affirmed now with a distinct sound of worry in his voice. Silver quickly shot him a look of genuine bewilderment, as though Espio had said a joke that didn’t land quite right. “What do you mean it never happened?! I remember-”
He abruptly stopped. It looked as if a wave had crashed over him. His expression suddenly quieted into something resembling somberness, his eyes drifting to the garden below completely lost in thought. This shift greatly disquieted the person besides him. He watched Silver’s face diligently for any indicators as to the cause of his initial confusion and subsequent change in demeanor.
“No. No sorry. You’re right… that never happened.” any attempt at returning to the light mood of before fell dead as the words left his mouth. “...not in this time.” he half muttered, the words keeping their potency all the same. His eyes remained lingering on the bright yellow sunflowers that rose above the other crops in the small garden, but he was clearly somewhere else entirely. His expression remained uncharacteristically dull.
Espio, however, had no such expression. Despite years of training both mind and body to reach (what he would claim is) a near constant state of emotional composure, he couldn’t hide the look of horror that painted his face as he took in the true weight of Silver’s words.
Not in this time
The phrase repeated over and over, his mind grabbed onto it, turning it this way and that way in search of what exactly it meant. He already knew what the words meant of course, he knew the moment they were uttered and yet he still had to contemplate them in hopes of a new more favorable answer. His body stiffened, already cold blood ran freezing.
“How many?”
The words came out stilted and hoarse, a far cry from the composure they usually have. “what?” Silver’s eyes met his, but Espio still got the distinct impression that Silver wasn’t really looking at him. He could feel dread consume him. He did his best to manage the rising panic growing in his chest, he took an unsteady breath. In and out.
“How many times have you gone back? Had to reset days, weeks, months even?” the other finally seemed to come to, the full weight of the questions shaking him from his trance. But Espio continued on his questioning, a franticness coming to his voice.
“How many memories do you have of events that never occurred? Exactly how much have you seen get destroyed…Who have you seen-”
His throat sized, physically unable to go down that specific road of questioning more than he already had. Under any other circumstance, he would have berated himself for reacting so emotionally. In a detective case, one cannot expect to get answers by behaving in such a way, and yet that is the last thing on his mind. Breath in and out, this is what he reminded himself.
He remained watchful of the shifting expressions of the time traveler in front of him. Silver had always kept his heart on his sleeve, one could tell exactly what he was thinking at all times. Now, however, he had an expression Espio had never seen on him before.
Silver’s face was surprisingly calculated, the look was ill fitting and almost uncanny on him. Espio never felt so disconnected from someone he considered a close ally. It's as though suddenly he was staring at the face of someone who had lived a thousand lives, carefully choosing the best response from the hundreds that he had uttered previously. Another wave of dread hit him when he realized that such a statement may not be too inaccurate after all.
After what felt like hours, but was actually just a couple seconds of what looked to be careful deliberation on the traveler’s face he finally opened his mouth to respond.
“I…” Silver’s eyes darted around his friend’s face, as if he were committing to memory exactly what he looked like before Silver had to respond to his questions. Espio remained tense, holding on to every slight movement in the vague hope that the movements would give away his answer before it left his mouth. His eyes suddenly flicked to the ground, and Espio felt his heart sink into his stomach. It wasn’t often that his friend so adamantly avoided his gaze.
“I can’t tell you.” there was no unsteadiness in his voice. The words came out resolute, almost matter-of-fact, and yet they felt like a punch in the gut to Espio. Four words pierced through him harder than a stab in the back and the betrayal seeped twice as deep.
“Why? Why can’t you tell me?” Espio shot out, and despite his best efforts his voice cracked under the words. Silver flinched at this, as though the words had hit him; however, his now troubled gaze still remained on the grass below. “Because it’s not something you have to worry about.” The first reply had hurt, but this one unexpectedly burned him. How could he be expected to not worry about something that was so clearly of great importance? How could one of the few people he considered close to him think so little of his abilities? He felt insulted.
“It’s not something I have to worry about?” The drastic change in Espio’s tone was enough to startle Silver whose eyes now shot back up to meet him. “It’s exactly something that I should worry about. The fate of this world is not something I take lightly. I fight for it everyday, and you think the fact that we have failed in protecting it so much that you have had to reset multiple times is not something I should worry about?” Silver looked on in horror at the unexpected effect his reply had on the other, but Espio continued on. “I have people I love and care for and I want to do everything in my ability to keep them safe, and you’re telling me that you’ve seen them in peril how many times? You have seen the end of the world, gone back in time to stop it, and yet you don’t think that’s something that should concern me?” Espio no longer searched for a reply in the face of the other nor did he try to calm his thoughts. He could feel himself spiraling, but could not find it in himself to stop the descent. His initial rage burned out now, leaving a cold emptiness in him. He could feel the claws of insecurity and hurt snag his mind.
“...I know I don’t have telekinetic abilities like you do, I don’t have super speed like Sonic, and I’m far from the ultimate lifeform. But I thought you of all people saw I was still capable despite that. You made me feel like I could be just as powerful and strong as any one of you, but I realize now that was a false assumption. If you don’t even think something so important should concern me, then clearly you don’t see me as a hero like you.” Suddenly with an unexpected franticness, Silver grabbed Espio’s hands between his own, holding them tightly between the two of them. The movement pulled Espio out of his spiraling thoughts. He again became aware of the other’s expression. His previous look of calculated composure was now completely stripped from his face. Now it was replaced by slightly watery eyes and regretful despair.
“Espio, I don’t ever want to make you feel like you aren’t enough. You are one of the coolest and most talented people I know. And you don’t need any crazy powers to convince me of that. I’ve seen you beat incredible odds and save so many people. You are every bit the hero that everyone else is, and I am so sorry that I made you question that.” And Espio knew that Silver meant every word he said, because despite everything Silver was one of his closest allies and genuine to a fault. He felt slightly silly that he thought Silver could suddenly be a stranger to him. Clearly there were things he didn’t know about him, but that doesn’t change the fact that at the end of the day Silver was still the same friend he’d always known. Despite this, Espio wasn't going to let the question drop here.
“So why won’t you tell me?” The question was almost a whisper, and this time Silver kept his eyes on Espio when he found a response. “Because I didn’t want you to know how many times I’ve failed in keeping everyone safe.” Silver squeezed his hands a little tighter before letting go of them entirely. “My only purpose in life is to save the future from devastation. It’s the only reason I’m here and yet I just keep failing. And you, you’re so strong and have so much here you love and care about. How could I tell you how many times I’ve failed to protect it all?” Silver’s hand anxiously fidgeted with his wrist cuff while he talked. “And I still have no idea how I’m going to save the future. I’m a failure in my one goal.”
Espio had never really noticed how tired Silver looked. He had seen far more loss and destruction than any one person had probably seen ever, and still this is the first time Espio saw him truly look like it.
A heavy tear fell down Silver’s cheek and, without thinking, Espio brought his hand up to his face to wipe it away. “I don’t think you’re a failure.” He kept his hand there on his face and Silver leaned his weight on it ever so slightly. “Well clearly I’m not exactly achieving my goal, that doesn’t sound like success.” he tried to laugh slightly as he said this but it came out awkward and forced. Espio, now fully realizing the placement of his hand, quickly rescinded it from where it was on Silver's face. As he did so the other tried his best not to look too dejected by the small action. Espio turned his attention thoughtfully towards the now setting sun. The sky was painted with the typical pinks and oranges of sunset. Silver followed his gaze to the west, he felt a bittersweet feeling looking at the grandiose scene in front of them.
“If I didn’t let myself rely on my team I don’t know where I would be. Every case that comes our way we solve together.” Espio turned towards Silver again who was still staring intently at the sky. “You alone can’t be expected to save the entire word. You have a whole support group all around you, and we all want to help you. But part of being on a team is about trusting others and letting them in.” Silver finally turned towards Espio, meeting his eyes. “Silver, I just wish you’d let me on your team, so you didn’t have to carry this weight all alone.”
A long silence followed this and they both found themselves looking at the beautiful color-changing sky ahead of them. Neither of them could say how long they sat in silence together like this.
“I lost count of the exact number of times.” Espio was caught off-guard by the sudden break in silence.
“But it was a lot. I’ve had to go back in time a lot. And Espio, I’ve been trying to stay really hopeful that everything will work out eventually, but lately all I can think about is how the future is still destroyed. And I have no idea how to stop what’s coming next.” Espio sat stunned at the other’s sudden confession. Silver looked at Espio again now, turning his attention from the setting sun.
“I want you to be on my team Espio, I really really do.”
If Espio was honest, Silver’s reply scared him. He doesn’t want to think of all the times he had been closer to his entire time’s demise than he ever thought possible. He knew that from this point on things would have to be changed. Neither him or his allies could live in ignorance of the eventual calamity that was to befall them as they had in the past. And yet, he felt a relief at the fact that Silver wouldn’t have to face the calamities alone.
There were no other thoughtful words that Espio could think of to give Silver at this moment, so instead he put a reassuring hand on top of Silver’s own and gave him a smile. The small action caught Silver off guard and yet he accepted the act all the same. Espio had never been one to give physical touch, but in this case he figured it was appropriate.
And so the two of them sat like this in a comfortable silence as they watched the sun set over the horizon. Tomorrow would bring new conflicts and peril, but in this present moment they were perfectly content, and that was enough for now.