Work Text:
It wasn’t rare for Kunikida to contact Dazai and Chuuya out of the blue, but it was rare for it to be so late at night. Another oddity was the fact that he had called them. They never talked on the phone — it was never long enough between the times they saw each other to warrant a talk. But Kunikida had called them. His voice was quiet. He didn’t react when Dazai and Chuuya proked and nudged at him like usual, trying to rile him up. It didn’t feel like they were talking to Kunikida on the other line; it was like they weren’t talking to a person at all.
When they saw him, it didn’t look like Kunikida either. He was in his school uniform like he tended to be but he was wearing his house slippers, like he’d forgotten to change on his way out. His hair was loose and almost out of its tie. Perhaps the most concerning thing was the bottle in his hand. It was almost half empty. His face was cold and his eyes weren’t actually seeing anything. He didn’t react as Dazai and Chuuya approached him, continuing to silently walk forward as if he didn’t notice them at all. They were too unsure on how to proceed. As Kunikida unscrewed the cap of the bottle and brought it up to his lips, Dazai and Chuuya finally felt able to act.
“Oh, I think you’ve had enough of that, Kunikida-kun!” Dazai cooed, snatching the bottle out of his hand before Kunikida could muster up the strength to protest.
“How’d you even get your hands on that?” Chuuya asked, quietly, “And without a mixer? After you’re always callin’ us disgusting?”
Kunikida didn’t answer them. He stopped, glared, and then tried to grab the vodka back. Dazai didn’t let him, throwing it over to Chuuya who quickly levitated it out of his reach.
“I paid for that, you know…” Kunikida’s voice was flat.
“And how did you pay for it?” Dazai asked, “They didn’t ID you?”
Kunikida reached into his pocket and pulled out a small card. Chuuya snatched it and read it closely.
“Are you actually 20?!” he exclaimed, “You’re in high school!”
“It’s a fake, idiot,” Kunikida said with little energy.
“Where’d you get your hands on a fake?” Dazai mused, reaching around to get a hold of it himself.
Kunikida slapped his hand away. “You’re not allowed to touch.”
“Oh…” Dazai realised. “You’ve gotten really sneaky with that ability of yours…”
Kunikida shrugged, took the card back from Chuuya, and put it back in his pocket.
“You know, if you’re looking to make some cash, that’d be a great gig…” Dazai said, “And your market is at your fingertips, you just have to show up to school…”
“Dazai…” Chuuya grumbled, “Not helpful…”’
“Oh, I don’t know, with some extra cash he could buy even more ‘poison’!” Dazai grinned, “That’s what you called it, didn’t you, Kunikida-kun? ‘Poison’?”
“I wish I could poison you…” Kunikida said.
“Charming, Kunikida-kun.”
Kunikida shrugged before yanking one of Dazai’s hands towards Chuuya’s, forcing them together before they registered it. He let them go and caught the bottle before it fell to the ground. Dazai and Chuuya blinked at each other.
“Kuni, when was the last time you ate?” Chuuya asked.
Kunikida shrugged and took another sip from the bottle. He winced at the taste but it didn’t stop him from taking another.
“Let us treat you to something, Kunikida-kun!” Dazai said, “Anything you want in the entire world!”
Kunikida didn’t seem upset by this idea. He pondered for a moment. “Mm… Something cakey… not cake though, I don’t like cake… Well, I like some. I like carrot cake. But I don’t want that.”
“Okay…” Dazai nodded, “What about pancakes? Or crepes?”
Kunikida shook his head vehemently before he noticed how dizzy it made him. “No. Sounds gross right now.”
“Doughnuts?” Chuuya tried.
Kunikida tilted his head. “Mm… With cinnamon…?”
“Sure thing!” Dazai grinned.
Kunikida nodded. “Okay…”
“Okay!” Dazai and Chuuya said.
They walked for about two minutes before Kunikida stumbled over his own feet. It was almost 1am and Kunikida, who had never had a proper drink before, was still trying to nurse a bottle of straight vodka. He wasn’t holding up so well. Chuuya took it upon himself to put Kunikida’s arm around him. He could have lifted him but was worried about inducing nausea. Kunikida moved slower and slower the longer they walked. Soon, he was practically dragging his feet and Chuuya did use his ability to pull him along.
There was a 24-hour diner not too far from where they were. They weren’t even sure there’d be doughnuts there but it was the only place they could think to go. They settled into a booth in the corner and Dazai went up to order them some food.
“Kuni…?” Chuuya said, quietly.
“What?” Kunikida answered, sleepily.
“You okay?”
Chuuya watched tears instantly fill Kunikida’s eyes. Instead of answering, which would likely trigger the tears to flow, he looked down at his hands and willed them to go away. Chuuya didn’t need to ask to know the answer and Kunikida didn’t have to answer for him to know either. He also realised Kunikida didn’t want to talk right now. That was okay. As soon as there was some food in him and maybe he even had some rest, there’d be more progress to be made. For now, though, it was fine.
Dazai came back over and pushed a large glass of water towards Kunikida. There was a shame about him as he took it in his hands. There shouldn’t have been though, Dazai and Chuuya were nothing but relieved to watch him drink the whole thing.
The kitchen had been kind enough to microwave doughnuts they had in storage from a couple of days ago when Dazai insisted their age didn’t really matter to them. Additionally, they served them some chips and fried chicken tenders. Dazai hoped they’d smell appealing when they arrived under Kunikida’s nose.
Kunikida did eat a little bit. But it was only a little because his stomach quickly rejected the notion of filling it with more junk. He vomited in his mouth before the pair rushed him to the bathroom, holding his hair back as he threw up into the toilet. In between bouts of expulsion, Kunikidia was reduced to tears and ceaseless apology. Reminding him of the times he’d done the same for them didn’t seem to help. Kunikida had a tenuous grasp on his emotions when sober… this was so much harder for him.
His stomach eventually settled but he huddled in the bathroom anxiously for a while anyway, fearing it was a false sense of respite.
“I’m…” he hiccupped, “sorry… I’m so stupid…” The only reason he didn’t start crying again was because he seemed to have genuinely depleted every fluid in his body. The dry sobs sounded much more painful.
“Can I get you some more water?” Dazai asked.
Kunikida shook his head.
“Kuni, ya can’t worry about throwin’ it up, ya just need to drink something.”
Kunikida curled his knees up to his chest and hugged them. He didn’t know how to tell them that he didn’t deserve water right now. He didn’t deserve any of the kindness they were offering him. They were cruel and heartless mafiosos — that was the narrative they so diligently stuck to. And yet, without fail, every time they were with him, they were nothing but kind to him. They were annoying and rude but it was never out of genuine disrespect — it was never because they didn’t care. He had been so selfish. All he was going to do was tear them apart.
“Kunikiiida-kuuun…” Dazai cooed, crouching down next to him, “Would you tell us what’s got you acting stupid, at least?”
“It’s nothing…” Kunikida knew they wouldn’t believe his blatant lie.
“Alright… Well, you have to either tell us or drink a glass of water. Preferably both, but you have to choose at least one…” Dazai tried to compromise.
Kunikida shook his head.
“Shall Chuuya-kun make the decision for you then? What do you say?” Dazai asked.
Chuuya sighed. “Just make sure he drinks something for now.”
“You heard the man!” Dazai pushed a full glass towards Kunikida, nudging his hands with it.
Kunikida took it and drank it. It confused him how such a simple thing could make the odd pair look so happy. The water was so soothing it felt like he was being resurrected. He didn’t deserve the divine kindness of a second chance but he was feeling selfish enough to take it right now. If it made Dazai and Chuuya smile like that, it couldn’t have been the worst thing.
“There we are!” Dazai grinned, “What a good Kunikida-kun you are!” He filled the glass up again with tap water and placed it back in Kunikida’s hands, curious to see if he would drink that too. Kunikida made the effort to take sips every now and then.
“How ya feelin’?” Chuuya asked.
Kunikida swallowed a gulp of water. “Tired,” he said, simply.
“Can we walk ya home?”
Kunikida shook his head. “Not tonight…”
And suddenly it made sense. While they didn’t know the specifics, it became obvious what the issue was about at least. Kunikida didn’t want to go home because that was where the problem lay; he couldn’t sleep under the same roof as it.
Chuuya looked up at Dazai. “Motel?” he suggested.
“Not the worst idea…” Dazai hummed. “What about Katai-kun, Kunikida-kun? Would he have you?”
“Not this late… Well, he would but… his parents would find out… and then mine would…”
“Motel, then,” Dazai nodded.
“You don’t have to—”
“You need to sleep, Kunikida,” Dazai said firmly.
“A warm bed’s the best place for it,” Chuuya added.
Kunikida sniffed. “Don’t you guys… have work… or something…?”
The pair shook their heads.
“Why would you…” Kunikida couldn’t finish the question. Maybe he’d lost his train of thought, maybe he didn’t know what he was asking to begin with, or maybe he just didn’t want the answer.
Chuuya stood up and offered out his hand. Kunikida hesitated. They’d already done so much. They’d already done too much. Dazai sighed, reaching down and pulling on Kunikida’s arm anyway. Kunikida didn’t fight it, perhaps too shocked to figure out what to do. Dazai placed his hand in Chuuya’s and he was slowly pulled off the ground. His legs wobbled and he quickly leant back against the wall. Tonight had taken a lot out of him.
Chuuya smirked a little, “I gotcha if ya can’t walk…”
“That’s humiliating,” Kunikida said.
“It’s only us here,” Dazai said, “No one’s gonna see you.”
“Yes, they will, we have to walk out of here!” Kunikida said with slightly too much enthusiasm, vision blackening for a moment.
He steadied himself and sighed. Chuuya turned around and Kunikida begrudgingly rested his arms on his shoulders, letting himself be lifted into the air. He just closed his eyes, feeling as though it somehow lessened the ridiculousness of it. The way Chuuya moved carefully almost made him smile. But then he remembered he didn’t really deserve to be taken care of like this. So, he did not smile.
The spectacle of Chuuya who was almost a foot shorter than Kunikida, lugging the taller boy around on his back would have been comedic in any other circumstances. Unfortunately, none of them were in the headspace to acknowledge that. Kunikida looked so helpless. Head resting atop of Chuuya’s, eyes closed and face finally losing the tension that had followed him throughout the rest of the evening — he really looked like a child. It wasn’t that Dazai and Chuuya ever forgot, but he did tend to act like he was older than he was sometimes. Even if he his recklessness and his naivety matched that of a kid’s, his heart had a nobility that could only be achieved with maturity. It was easy to be blinded by a heart like that and forget he had anything else to him.
He was practically asleep when they arrived at the motel. It was small and not that clean but it was so much better than sleeping on the street. Chuuya gently let Kunikida down on the bed. He took his shoes off while Dazai took off his glasses. Kunikida shrugged his school jacket off and lay down on the bed.
He felt disgusting. And useless. But also just so tired. It was then that, for the first time, he actually considered how the others were feeling. He looked around the room and noticed this was the only bed. It was a double bed but still… If they wanted to sleep it could be uncomfortable for them.
“What’s it now, Kuni?” Chuuya asked, noticing the concern.
He didn’t know how to say anything anymore. He just sat up and held onto each of their hands. He looked up at them but, when he felt his eyes start to water again, he looked away. He was so relieved when Dazai and Chuuya shuffled around, kicking off their shoes and crawling up the bed alongside him. Kunikida couldn’t explain how good it felt to have someone either side of him. It was a safety he hadn’t known in a long time. It felt safe enough to tell them anything.
“My parents are getting divorced,” he finally explained. He said it coldly and with little resistance.
Dazai and Chuuya didn’t respond right away. Kunikida hadn’t expected them to. He wasn’t sure they could even fathom why this was a big deal. They could guess, but he didn’t expect them to be able to empathise. What he didn’t realise was they both knew him better than he thought. The lack of emotion behind the statement unlocked Dazai’s cruel curiosity.
“But… that’s not all… is it?” Dazai prodded, knowing it would push him over the edge.
Kunikida tried to stomach the question but, just as Dazai predicted, it was too much. He shook his head. “N… Neither of them wanted to be the one to keep me!” he wailed.
Chuuya placed a firm hand on Kunikida’s shoulder, unsure of how else he could possibly assist him in this situation. Similarly, Dazai did nothing but squeeze his hand. They were all Kunikida had right now but that didn’t mean he didn’t deserve so much more. He was scraping the bottom of the barrel when he decided he’d like to keep spending time around assholes like them. But the responsibility had fallen on them now and they weren't going to neglect it if they could help it.
“They… They said they didn’t care where I go…” Kunikida sniffed, “That it didn’t matter to them… I’m still a kid, aren’t I?! I’m barely 17! How could they put a decision like that on me and trust me to make the right one?! I…” Kunikida let his head fall forward, “I just wish at least one of them seemed like they would have been sad if I chose the other… Just some pain in their expression that indicated that they did care about my decision… I’m just a stranger who lives with them at this point… I’m just there to eat their food and leech off their bills until I can move out myself… They don’t want me but they don’t hate me enough to get rid of me — it’s almost worse than if they just hated me!”
He didn’t know how much of what he was saying would be understood. He didn’t even know if it made sense. But there was so much agony inside him, when attempts to numb and subdue it didn’t work, it bubbled up in vomit, tears and screams. He didn’t have anything else to say, he just let Dazai and Chuuya sit with that. He wanted to be able to help them — he wanted to be able to give them directions on how to deal with his grief so that they wouldn’t feel so lost. Normally, he’d deal with this sort of thing on his own, or at least until he knew how someone else could help him; it didn’t ever feel fair to burden people when you knew they couldn’t fix it, or you didn’t know how you wanted to be fixed. But he wasn’t himself tonight. He was sure they knew that too which must have made it even harder for them. He really wished he hadn’t called them at all. He didn’t know why he did…
“Kunikida-kun, would you like to hear why you’re stupid or would you like to just sleep peacefully tonight?” Dazai asked.
“So, I am being stupid?” Kunikida asked, genuinely curious.
“Not necessarily. Depends on what you’re okay with hearing right now…”
“Please tell me…” Kunikida said, weakly, “It’s the end of the world and I can’t think of a single reason why it’s not… It’s killing me.”
“Okay,” Dazai nodded, “You’re gonna want to hold Chuuya’s hand instead of mine.”
Dazai slid his hand out of Kunikida’s grip, letting Chuuya take over. Kunikida leaned back into Chuuya, looking up at Dazai with something like hope in his eyes.
“Okay…” Dazai sighed, “Kunikida-kun, if your parents really didn’t want you, you wouldn’t have parents anymore. Believe me. My best guess is they said they didn’t mind because they knew this whole thing would be hard enough for you and they didn’t want to pressure you into a decision that would make you even more unhappy. I’m sure they actually do care and you simply couldn’t see that because when you feel something intensely you tend to lose touch with reality. The only things you said that were true is that you’re a kid and they don’t know you that well. Well, they do know you — they understand the parts of you that are quintessentially them… But they have forgotten that you’re not them… and that you are just a kid… You’re someone who hates so much when decisions are made for them, of course, they would assume you’d hate them for making such an important one. Of course, it’s due to their lack of understanding that they’d assume that. At the same time, it’s quite possible that you don’t let them understand you. You’re a contrarian by nature and when anyone questions you you assume that they’re against you… I’m almost certain that they suffer for that quality of yours the most… You’re only a little bit stupid. But no one should be able to blame you regardless. The world isn’t ending, you’re just the dramatic type.”
Kunikida didn’t know how much of what Dazai said was true but he did know that Dazai had no business sounding that wise. He didn’t really know a thing about Kunikida’s situation — he hadn’t even met his parents. So, it didn’t make sense for him to understand it all, just from what Kunikida had sobbed about. He’d deduced all of that just from getting to know Kunikida a little bit. He was both fascinated and terrified by the idea of him learning even more.
“God, you have a big mouth,” Chuuya groaned, “I’d ask you to explain yourself but you’d just come up with more nonsense.”
Dazai grinned. “Yes, that’s probably true. Take what you will and reject the rest, Kunikida-kun.”
“I’m too tired to take anything anymore…” Kunikida sighed. “I don’t even know half of what you said…”
“Mm, it’s certainly getting late…” Dazai hummed. “Shall we turn out the lights?”
Kunikida nodded, shuffling back until he could lift up the blanket and cuddle himself under it. Dazai got up to flick the light switch and Kunikida pulled on Chuuya’s arm until he lay down beside him, chest pressing against his back. Dazai switched off the light and moved to sit at the edge of the bed and giggle to himself about the way Kunikida had taken Chuuya hostage. He was going to, until Kunikida reached forward and pulled him down too. Kunikida pushed his forehead into Dazai’s chest, gripping at the bottom of his shirt so he couldn’t move.
The three of them lay like that all night. Even though Kunikida fell asleep almost instantly and let the others go, Chuuya still cuddled into his back, and Dazai still lay facing him. A fire alarm couldn’t have gotten them to move unless Kunikida insisted they did. They weren’t the only ones in the world who cared and they never would be — Kunikida would have had this impression on almost every person he let get to know him even a little bit — but, sometimes they were the only ones he believed when they said it. If they ever heard Kunikida say that no one wanted him ever again, it would kill them. There was no one like him. And they were so damn lucky to even know him, let alone have him comfortably fall asleep in their arms.
Oh… Kunikida had fallen asleep in their arms. Dazai and Chuuya seemed to realise this at the exact same time, eyes lifting to look at each other in the dark. They may not have been able to really see each other’s faces but they both knew they shared the same expression. It was a giddy, child-like glee they rarely ever got to feel. It was like the first time they’d met Kunikida at the arcade but a million times warmer. It was a different kind of excitement — it was softer. And it was that much nicer. They took their time relishing in the feeling, unsure of how many times they’d be treated like this. And when the excitement soon exhausted them, they too fell peacefully asleep.