Chapter Text
Carmy sat on his couch in his cramped apartment, legs dangling off the back, socked feet knocking against the ratty upholstery. He’d found that sitting upside down helped with his anxiety, kept the bile down and his panic under wraps. Grey’s Anatomy was playing on the TV quietly, he was barely paying attention. He mostly only watched cooking shows but started enjoying the medical drama. It reminded him of the kitchen, the call for “scalpel” always reminding him of the call for “hands.” He worried with one of the strings of his sweatshirt while Meredith gave some poorly written monologue about helping people. A knock came at his door, three quick raps on the thin wood. He didn’t want to move, to answer it. The knocking continued. He sat there, the world upside down.
“Carmy?” It was Sydney’s voice. “Carmy, come on man, open the damn door.” He left the restaurant early, saying barely a word to anyone. It was a sudden exit, in the middle of the lunch rush. Richie, the orders, Mikey’s nightmare organization, and his mom had all become too much all at once, piling on top of him, crushing him with no warning.
“Carmy. Carmen. Dude.” There was a moment of silence. “I closed up the restaurant. In case you were worried.”
Carmy realized Sydney wasn’t leaving. He stood up on staggering feet, stumbling across his tiny matchbox of an apartment. He took in a deep breath before he sat his hand on the knob, exhaling when it turned it. The door creaked open slowly.
“Hi.” His voice sounded worse than he realized, his words knocking out the cobwebs in his throat.
“You look like shit.” She was still in her work clothes but he had changed into the first pieces of oversized clothing he could find the moment he made it home.
“Thanks, Syd.” They stood there in silence for a moment, Sydney studying Carmy. He knew he looked like shit. “Do you want to come in or…?”
“Sure.” Sydney shrugged as she shuffled past him into the apartment. He watched her take in the surroundings of his living area, the jeans in the oven, the various white t-shirts strewn on the floor, and something that looked like a sports bra thrown over the back of the couch. She felt like she wasn't meant to look at it. Carmy walked ahead of her and snatched it, throwing it in his room quickly.
“I’m sorry the place is a mess.”
“Nah, it’s fine, I live with my dad so I can’t really talk.” Carmy huffed a laugh, sitting down on the couch, turning his body so he was once again upside down, the hood of his sweatshirt pressed against the back of his messy hair.
“Carmy?”
“Huh?”
“The fuck are you doing?”
“Sitting. Watching fucking Grey’s Anatomy.”
“But why are you…”
“It’s grounding.”
“Okay,” Sydney said as she sat next to him, her head level with his knees. She let another moment of silence pass over them. “Are you okay, Carmy?”
“Um…” His throat suddenly felt tight, his feelings trying to bubble back up through him like a boiling kettle.
“I mean you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, I just wanted to check on you,” Sydney said as she smoothed a nervous hand across her t-shirt.
“No, it’s okay, Syd, it’s nice that you asked.” He stared forward at the upside down face of McDreamy. Someone on screen was bleeding while some shitty soft rock song played under the dialogue. He let out a shaky breath.
“We’re friends, Carmy, you can talk to me about anything.” He let out a sigh.
“I know.” Sydney set a hand on his head, running a hand through his messy hair. The action made Carmy more emotional than he’d care to admit, he was near shamefully touch starved.
“What’s up Carmy, what’s going on?” She ruffled his hair. Carmy let out another sigh before he rotated himself, finally sitting with his feet flat on the floor. He leaned forward to grab the TV remote, shutting off the medical drama.
“I don’t know, Syd…I’m just tired.”
“Is that it?” She shifted in her seat, turning to look at him.
“No.”
“Thought so.”
“Fuck you,” Charmy said with a light laugh, not putting any real venom in the words. “I’ll be fine, I’m just…Not right now.”
“That’s okay, we’ve all been there, I’ve been there.”
“It’s just…Richie pisses me off so bad sometimes.” That startled a laugh out of Sydney. “The guy can be so fucking annoying, it’s like he doesn’t know when to quit. I can’t just throw him out, he’s basically family but— fuck.” He dropped his head into his hands, tattooed fingers rubbing his eyes roughly.
“Did he do something today?”
“He told me to call my mom.”
“Okay.” Sydney didn’t know the whole situation but she could feel the weight in his words.
“I told him I didn’t want to. It’s not like she actually wants me around.”
“Carmy, I’m sure—” Sydney jumped to console him but was quickly cut off.
“No, Syd, it’s fine, I don’t want to be around her anyway.”
“Oh. Okay.” Sydney let out a weighted breath. Carmy settled back into staring down at his lap, eyes trained on an old worn spot on his sweatpants.
“I’m sorry, Syd. This is a mess,” he gestured vaguely to himself “You can go if you want…I–I’m sorry.”
“I’m okay, Carmy, I’m just glad you’re actually talking about stuff.” She let silence fall over them again. It was heavier now that the quiet sounds of the TV had been shut off.
“You know I’m trans, right?” Carmy blurted out near compulsorily after a few seconds of silence, immediately cringing, wanting to take back his words.
“What?” Sydney was surprised, she could only sit on the couch and wait for Carmy to continue.
“Okay, I guess you didn’t know?”
“Obviously not!”
“I’m sorry, it went really quiet and I felt like I had to mention it!” Carmy dropped his head into his hands.
“Well, thank you for telling me though, Carmy, I’m glad you trust me at least.” Sydney spoke awkwardly, moving a stiff hand to his shoulder.
“Yeah, yeah, you would’ve found out eventually anyways.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well, I literally threw my binder across the apartment when you walked in.”
“That’s what that was?”
“Yeah,” Carmy sighed. He was staring down at his lap again, steepling his fingers and then collapsing them.
“Well, okay. Anything else?”
“My moms not really cool with it so…Yeah, it’s all fucking fun.” His voice was dry while he spoke, still refusing to look Sydney in the eyes.
“I’m sorry, Carmy, I–”
“No Syd,” he cut her off. “I’m fine, it’s just another reason to stay away from her.” He cleared his throat, finally raising his head.
“This conversation fucking sucks, are you hungry?”
“I– Oh, so we’re done with this whole…” She made a vague motion with her hands.
“Yep,” Carmy said as he shrugged. “Sorry, started feeling too raw.”
“O-okay, no, lets go, it might get you out of your head.” Sydney shook off her surprise quickly, going with it.
“Great, okay, where do you want to go?” Carmy asked as he pulled on his shoes.
“Um, dealer’s choice?”
“Oh, I’ve got no idea, that’s why I’m asking you.”
“Fine,” Sydney hummed while she took a moment to consider her choices. “There’s a diner a few blocks down I like, cheap food, nice seats.”
“Great,” Carmy finally smiled. “Well, lead the way.”