Chapter Text
Seungmin showed up at Minho, Hyunjin, and Jeongin’s dorm after he gave himself enough time to panic internally. Now it was external - he had tears on his cheeks when he shakily knocked on their door in the late evening and he started speaking the moment the door opened.
“I fucked up,” he blurted, watching as the door opened to reveal a very concerned Jeongin. The other boy took one look at his face before pulling Seungmin into the dorm and closing the door.
“Minnie, what happened?” he asked carefully, holding and rubbing Seungmin’s shoulders.
“I fucked up!” he repeated, a sob following quickly. Jeongin wasted no time in yanking Seungmin to his chest and rubbing his back firmly. Seungmin couldn’t stop crying.
“Shh, I’ve got you, Minnie. I’m right here.” Seungmin hugged him back just as tightly and buried his face into Jeongin’s shoulder, heavy sobs filling the room. It was only the two of them.
“I… I just… ruined everything,” he cried.
“Just let it out. It’ll be okay.” No it won’t! Seungmin wanted to shout. But he couldn’t.
Jeongin waited patiently for his cries to dissolve into sniffles and hiccups, then he leaned back to look at Seungmin’s face. Seungmin knew that he looked terrible, heavy eye bags accompanying his flushed cheeks and red eyes.
Jeongin pulled him towards the nearest bed and sat him down against the headboard, settling next to him quietly. Seungmin didn’t leave the comfort of his arm.
“Can you tell me what happened?” Jeongin asked softly. Seungmin took a deep, shaky breath.
“Lixie hyung and Sungie hyung… confessed to me.” Jeongin gasped but didn’t interrupt. “I said yes. I wasn’t thinking.”
Jeongin paused. “Is that a bad thing?”
Seungmin shrugged. “I mean, yeah.”
“But why? You’ve loved them for so long.”
Seungmin made watery eye contact with him. “They don’t know, Innie,” he whispered insistently. Jeongin knew exactly what he was talking about.
“Oh… Minnie, you know they’ll accept you for who you are. They said they love you, right?”
“But I lied to them. They’re gonna hate me for getting their hopes up and ruining our relationship. I’m gonna have to move out and find a new roommate and new happiness and—“
“Seungmin.” Seungmin wiped his face and looked into Jeongin’s eyes. “They’re not going to feel any different about you. They love you, not just your body. You’re so much more than that.”
Seungmin couldn’t count the number of times he and Jeongin had conversations about this over the last five years. The other boy was always there to reassure Seungmin about anything and everything and to comfort him when he needed it.
“But—“
“No buts. They’re not just going to ditch you, they’re not assholes.” Seungmin gulped, knowing who the ‘asshole’ that Jeongin was referring to was. “You’re still the same person they fell in love with. You realize that, right?”
“I’m not, though, Innie. They don’t know about any of this.” He gestured to his body. “They fell in love with someone who’s a man through and through. Not me.”
Jeongin opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, the door opened and someone sighed.
“I swear, that instructor is the most—“ Hyunjin stopped walking and talking when his eyes landed on Seungmin. He was shoved into the dorm by Minho, who was muttering under his breath. He also paused.
Hyunjin didn’t hesitate before dropping his bag and joining them on the bed, pulling Seungmin into his own arms.
“What’s wrong?”
Seungmin looked at Jeongin and the other boy smiled. “Jisungie and Felix hyungs confessed to Minnie but they don’t know that he’s trans yet. He’s overthinking it.”
Seungmin frowned.
“You didn’t tell them?” Hyunjin gasped.
“I didn’t and that’s the problem! I told them I like them back but I’m not who they think I am. I’m going to hurt them.”
Hyunjin was very surprised, somehow.
“Seungmin-ah.” Minho sat down on the edge of the bed. “You don’t know what they’re going to think. I am one hundred percent sure that you’re wrong and they’ll still love you. I’ve known Jisungie for years and he’s never been one to change his mind over things like this.”
Seungmin’s lower lip wobbled.
“It’s too hard, hyung,” he whispered. “I don’t think I can do it.”
“You can, Seungmin-ah. I know you can. You love them, don’t you?” He nodded. “Then you should go for it. You’ll never know unless you try, okay? And if you’re that worried, you can come back here anytime if you want to. We’re always going to be here for you.”
Another tear fell.
“And I’ve known Lixie for as long as I can remember,” Hyunjin added, much softer than before. “He’s pansexual, first of all, and you know how sweet he is. He makes friends with all kinds of people, from nerds to druggies. There’s no way that he’s just gonna push you away.”
“It’s not like you can know what they’re thinking either,” Seungmin countered quietly.
“You’re right,” Minho said. “We don’t know. But we can guess - we can guess logically.”
Seungmin sighed and Hyunjin held him tighter. He knew that they were going to say all of this.
“You can take your time, Minnie, but I think you should tell them as soon as possible,” Jeongin suggested cautiously. “It’ll only get more difficult if you wait.”
“I can’t tonight…”
Hyunjin made eye contact. “I don’t want you to tonight either. You’re not in the right mindset for that conversation. Spend the night with us, okay? We can watch movies together and eat ice cream and laugh and cry and—”
“I’m not doing any of that,” Minho deadpanned, standing from the bed and moving to his own. Seungmin smiled and closed his eyes at how Minho that was.
“Oh, come on, hyung! It’s an emotional night! Be human for once!” Hyunjin whined.
“I don’t do emotion.”
“Hyung, you literally just comforted Seungminnie and you’re saying you don’t do emotion. You know how backwards that is, right?”
“That’s not the same thing!”
“Yes it is!”
Seungmin took a deep breath and pulled out his phone. He had to tell Jisung and Felix that he wouldn’t be coming back but he had no idea what to say. He couldn’t tell them that he was avoiding them, but if he said there was no reason they would be worried or upset. Maybe both.
“Hey,” Jeongin whispered. Seungmin looked at him and the other boy was looking at his phone. “Just tell them that Hyunjin hyung had a bad day and you want to stay with him. They’ll understand.”
Seungmin sighed but did what Jeongin said. He had no better ideas.
They did end up watching movies and eating ice cream, but Hyunjin did most of the laughing and Seungmin did most of the crying. They watched all kinds of movies, making sure to hit every genre at least once. Minho watched them as well but insisted on staying in his own bed rather than joining them on Hyunjin’s no matter how much the younger boys begged him.
Jisung and Felix texted back and told Seungmin to tell Hyunjin that they loved him and hoped he felt better. Seungmin didn’t relay the information.
He slept with Hyunjin that night, bundled up in the older boy’s arms. It was different from Jisung and Felix’s embrace - the wrong body type, one too few people, different breathing patterns - but it was still full of love, warmth, and familiarity.
He didn’t regret visiting his friends.
---
It took one more week for Seungmin to muster up enough courage to tell them. He knew they were worried by his distance and awkward behavior, and that only hurt his heart more.
He decided to tell them on a Friday, that way they had the weekend to adjust to whatever came next - they would either get closer or Seungmin would flee to Jeongin again. He tried not to think about that part.
His heart was beating out of his chest as he walked up the stairs of their dorm building. He went to the library after his last class to ‘study’ and didn’t leave until six p.m., trying to wait as long as he could. But he knew that didn’t matter and he would have to tell them anyway.
He opened the door to their dorm and saw Jisung and Felix sitting on the former’s bed, arms around each other and a movie playing on the laptop in front of them.
“Minnie!” Felix exclaimed, waving energetically. Seungmin returned his smile, albeit shakily.
“Hey.” He tried to act normal while he moved to his bed and put his things down. He threw on an oversized hoodie and slipped his arms out of his shirt, pulling it out of the neckhole of the hoodie and over his head. Jisung and Felix had never questioned that.
“Are you okay?”
Seungmin turned to look at Jisung, who had a concerned look on his face.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?” Seungmin almost wanted to glare at the older boy but he held himself back. It wasn’t their fault that he hid something so important from them.
“Um… actually, no.”
Jisung and Felix sat up straighter. They both opened their arms at the same time and Seungmin’s chest clenched.
“Come here, hun,” Jisung said gently. Seungmin didn’t want to scare them - and maybe he wanted their comfort too - so he went to them. They pulled him to sit in between them and they both put an arm around him, undoubtedly sensing the seriousness and worry radiating off of him.
Felix kissed his cheek. “Talk to us, baby. What is it?”
Seungmin took a deep, deep breath. He couldn’t look at either of them, choosing to stare at his fidgeting hands in his lap.
“I lied to you. I’m sorry.”
The silence was deafening.
“What do you mean?” Felix asked, careful yet scared. Seungmin hesitated. “Do you… not want to be with us?”
Pain and insecurity were audible in Felix’s voice and Seungmin’s head shot up. Felix wasn’t crying but he looked incredibly upset and concerned.
“No, no, that’s not it! I promise you, that’s not it.” Felix was visibly relieved and Seungmin’s insides twisted. “But… you probably won’t want to be with me anymore, and that’s okay. Whatever makes you happy.”
Jisung cupped his cheek and turned his head. “We’ll always want to be with you, Minnie. Nothing will ever change that. We love you so much.”
Seungmin closed his wet eyes, trying to focus on breathing and just saying the words.
“I’ve been hiding something from you. It can make or break our relationship and that’s why I’ve been too scared to say anything, but I know that was wrong of me. I’m sorry.” They didn’t interrupt him. “I’m… I’m not a boy,” he whispered, the words barely leaving his mouth. “Or, I am a boy but not physically, so technically I’m not, but I think I am, and I’m so, so, so sorry for not telling you because gender is, like, one of the most important things in a relationship and for it to work you have to be okay with that but I understand if you’re—”
He was cut off by arms engulfing him. “Minnie, honey, please listen to me,” Jisung said, voice wobbly. Seungmin’s breath hitched. “That’s… That’s not something that’s going to end our relationship. I love you too much for that to ruin it, to ruin us.”
“He’s right,” Felix added, carefully hugging him from behind. “I wasn’t expecting it, honestly, but you’re the same person I fell in love with.”
“I should have… should have told you already,” Seungmin sobbed quietly.
“Minnie, it’s a sensitive topic. It’s okay if you can’t talk about it sometimes.”
“But this is a relationship. You have to know things like this.”
“You’re right,” Jisung stated firmly. “We do have to know. But we don’t want to push you out of your comfort zone, so if you can’t tell us something immediately, that’s okay.”
“But what if you don’t like me anymore?” His voice was very insecure and whiny.
“Seungminnie, please,” Felix pleaded. He sounded like he was crying too. “Would we still be here right now if we didn’t love you?”
Seungmin gasped into Jisung’s shoulder. Felix was right, but it was so difficult for Seungmin to wrap his head around everything. He wasn’t totally expecting them to be upset, but there was a small part of him that was. That was what happened last time, after all.
Jisung held his shoulders tightly while Felix’s arms wrapped around his stomach. They were clearly avoiding his chest, and it made Seungmin’s gut both warm and churn.
“I love you so much,” Jisung whispered into his ear, rocking him back and forth. Seungmin just cried, tension leaving him slowly until his body was molded into the older boys’.
Felix hummed into his nape. “Are you feeling better, baby?”
Seungmin sniffled. “Yeah. Thank you.”
“Don’t thank us. We’re your boyfriends, we’d do anything for you.” Felix kissed his neck at the same time Jisung kissed his head, and Seungmin pulled away from the hug to wipe his face with shaky hands.
“You really don’t care?” he had to ask. Felix scratched his scalp.
“I wouldn’t say we don’t care, but we don’t think any less of you and we love you all the same. We know you a little better now, so that’s good, right?”
“I guess…”
There was a moment of silence.
“Do you want to talk about it now? We can wait if you’d like.” Seungmin looked up at Jisung, at love, concern, and openness, and his eyes stung again. He didn’t really want to talk about it after the emotional turmoil he’d been in for over a week, but now that Jisung and Felix knew the gist of it he wanted them to know more. He wanted to know what they truly thought about everything and he knew that they had questions. He had hidden it for long enough.
“It’s okay. Now’s fine.”
Felix lifted an arm - if it were an hour before, Felix would have pulled him close immediately, but now it was different. Everything was different and Seungmin didn’t want it to be. He loved what they already had.
He leaned back into Felix’s chest and the older boy held his waist tightly, resting his chin on Seungmin’s shoulder. Jisung held his hand.
“Do you want to start?” he asked gently.
“Can you?”
Jisung smiled and pressed his shoulder into Seungmin’s. “Of course. Should we ask questions?” Seungmin nodded. “How long have you been trans?”
He took in a shaky breath. “Since I was thirteen. That’s when I started… transitioning.”
Felix rubbed his stomach. “Do you take any medications?”
“I, um… I take t-shots. I want birth control but haven’t been able to get it yet.”
“How often do you take it?”
“Every week. I can’t do it myself so Minho hyung and Jinnie hyung usually do it.”
“They know?”
Seungmin looked back at Felix and saw curiosity - but not anger - in his expression. “Yeah, I… I was friends with Innie before I transitioned so he knows the most. I met hyungs soon after that and they ended up finding out.”
Felix hummed. “Is that why you go to their dorm every Wednesday after class?”
Seungmin’s breath caught. “I’m sorry for lying, I just…”
“I’m not upset, I promise. Just curious is all. They never said anything but I guess that’s a good thing.”
Seungmin nodded and tried to relax again. Jisung waited a minute before asking another question.
“You don’t have to answer this one now, but… did you ever get surgery?”
Seungmin tensed. He had cuddled with Jisung and Felix many times, even before they’d confessed, but he was usually wearing a thick sweatshirt and wasn’t sure if they ever noticed anything or not. He assumed they didn’t.
His voice was much quieter when he spoke. “No.”
“Do you have binders?”
This was much harder than he thought it would be.
“I… yeah, I… I do.”
Felix took a deep breath and Seungmin copied it.
“Thank you for telling us, baby. I know it’s difficult.” Seungmin nodded.
“One more thing,” Jisung said quietly. Seungmin kept his tired eyes on the older boy. “You’re taking care of yourself, right? You’re not wearing it too tight or too long?”
Seungmin shrugged. “I… I haven’t really taken it off in a while.”
“How long’s a while?”
“Um. Since the last time we didn’t sleep together?”
Jisung’s eyes widened. “That’s over a week, Minnie. Isn’t it uncomfortable?”
He shrugged. “It’s okay, hyung. Could be worse.”
Felix pressed his lips against Seungmin’s neck. “If you want, you can take it off around us now. Only if you want to. It’d feel better.”
That was tempting. Whenever Seungmin took off his binder to shower and such, a weight lifted off of his chest, and he missed when he could sleep without it. But sleeping with the other two boys meant that he had to wear it and he wanted to sleep with them as well.
“Not… Not right now. Maybe later.”
“Okay. It’s all up to you, baby.” Felix nuzzled into his neck and Seungmin leaned his head back onto the older boy’s shoulder.
“Let’s order dinner,” Jisung suggested, reaching for his phone on the nightstand. “What sounds good?”
Seungmin didn’t answer - he wasn’t hungry and hadn’t been all day, too anxious to eat anything.
“How about pizza?” Felix responded. “Do you want that, Minnie?”
He almost nodded before he thought. “I’m not hungry. You can eat, hyungs.”
“Did you eat anything today?”
Seungmin closed his eyes and shook his head. Then there was a hand on his cheek and lips on his, and he opened them again.
“Why not?” Jisung asked softly.
“Couldn’t stomach anything,” he whispered. “Still can’t. I’m sorry.”
Felix sighed. “Minnie, baby, please stop apologizing. We’re not upset with you at all, but that’s not healthy. Can you try to eat something at least?”
Seungmin nodded and Felix kissed his cheek. He’d always try his best for them.
“I’ll order pizza. There’s some fruit in the fridge if you want that instead, okay?”
Seungmin nodded again and Jisung started typing on his phone. Felix held him a little tighter and he turned his head, lips quickly finding the older boy’s. His breath hitched and he leaned into the touch, curling a little more into Felix.
Felix pulled him close with his arms around Seungmin’s shoulders and deepened the kiss. Seungmin made a soft noise and gripped the older boy’s shirt tightly.
He gasped when he felt another pair of lips on his nape. Four arms were around him and he felt surrounded by love, as well as a little overwhelmed. He pulled his lips off of Felix’s and went to his neck instead, taking shaky breaths and feeling the warm skin on his forehead. Jisung put his cheek on Seungmin’s shoulder and Felix rubbed his back firmly.
“I love you,” Felix whispered.
“I love you too.”
Jisung had to go to the lobby to retrieve the pizza thirty minutes later, and he grabbed the fruit from the fridge on his way back to the bed.
“Let’s just eat in bed and relax, okay? We can watch a movie or something.”
“That’s a great idea,” Felix said, sitting up further and bringing Seungmin with him. The younger boy’s eyes were a little sore and puffy but he wasn’t tired yet. Jisung settled back on his other side and pressed their thighs together, setting the pizza in front of him along with Felix’s laptop. “I’ll look for something we haven’t seen.”
Jisung put the bowl of fruit in Seungmin’s lap with a smile.
“Thank you, hyung,” he said quietly. He was starting to get a little hungry, thankfully.
Felix found an innocent comedy and Seungmin was glad that he was finally able to relax with them. Before the older two confessed, he hadn’t been uncomfortable whatsoever. Then they became more than friends and everything was so much more intimate, and telling them that he was transgender was actually necessary. He’d been tense around them for over a week and he knew that they’d noticed.
To say he was relieved would be an understatement.
He brought his legs up to his chest so Felix could set the laptop in front of him comfortably and he curled into Jisung’s side. Felix did the same to him and he felt a kiss on the top of his head and one on his shoulder.
He should have known that this would happen. Jisung and Felix were the best thing that had ever happened to him, and he hoped that one day he could be the same for them.