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Tim walked into the kitchen and headed straight for the coffee machine. It was too early (a whole 11 am) to be up and moving without caffeine. He filled up the machine with water and went to grab his beans from the cabinet. He opened the door and… nothing. It was empty. His dark roast, light roast, medium roast, and expresso, gone, all gone.
He stared at the empty cabinet in despair. How could someone do this to him? Didn’t they know what his coffee meant to him???
Then he heard it, muffled laughter, smug muffled laughter. Dick.
He turned around slowly with the most withering glare that a caffeine-deprived young adult can create, which for reference, is a very withering glare, and stared down Dick. Dick was standing with a delighted smile on his face, holding one of Tim’s bag of beans high in the air.
Dick snickered, “You should see your face right now, it's adorable!”
“I am not adorable! Just give me my beans!” Tim jumped and tried to grab the bag from Dick’s hands. Unfortunately for Tim, Dick had about half a foot on him and was, in fact, a morning person. He just raised the bag higher in the air, laughing.
“Did you know that coffee beans aren’t beans, they are categorized as fruit.”
Tim and Dick both turned their heads slowly towards the kitchen island, where Duke was sitting.
“Yeah, we just talked about it in my bio class. Coffee beans are actually considered fruit, they are just called beans ‘cause they look like beans, turns out there are a lot of mislabeled plants.” Duke said with a shrug before going back to his bowl of cereal. Unbothered by the chaos about to start from his fun fact.
“....what,” Tim said with a glare. “That doesn’t even make any sense, why would they be called beans and look like beans and not BE beans.”
“I mean that kinda makes sense though, they do grow on bushes and all. I’m pretty sure normal beans don’t grow on bushes.” Dick said, placing the coffee on top of the cabinet and ignoring Tim’s protests. He sat beside Duke, stealing the marshmallows from his bowl.
“Plants are weird and all, I think we’ve all met Ivy enough times to know that one.”
“What the fuck are you on about, Dick? That doesn’t even make sense. Not all fruits even grow on trees, what about apples or tomatoes? They don’t grow on bushes.” Jason said, unimpressed by Dick’s statement. He sat on the opposite side of Duke eating a waffle.
“When did you even get here? Also, tomatoes aren’t fruit, everyone knows that.” Dick said through a mouthful of stolen marshmallows.
“You’re a fucking idiot, tomatoes are fruit. They have seeds, that’s like the whole fucking definition.” Jason said, glaring at his brother.
“But strawberries have seeds and those are berries,” Steph said wandering into the kitchen, stealing the remaining waffle off of Jason’s plate.
“Hey! That is my waffle! Asshole…also aren’t strawberries not berries?” Jason said angrily, walking over to the waffle maker and starting another batch.
“Coming in eating my waffles talking about stupid ‘strawberries aren’t berries’ shit,” he muttered, bringing a plate of waffles over to the table.
“Tt- What kind of language would name items wrong? That is imbecilic.”
“C’mon Damien, isn’t it kind of fun, strawberry is a fun word!” Steph cried out as Dick tried to hug Damien while he walked in, narrowly avoiding falling on his face as Damien easily sidestepped him to sit near Jason. For someone so graceful, Dick was very good at almost landing on his face.
“I mean peas are seeds and all, so I don’t think names mean much,” Duke said. “A tomato was found to be legally a vegetable but botanically a fruit. So, I don’t think categories matter much either.”
Barbara rolled into the kitchen. “Yeah, there was that court case, Nix v. Hedden, in 1883 about whether tomatoes were fruit for tax reasons.”
“Classifying items for tax reasons is stupid,” Tim said, “Taxes are stupid and anyone using that broken system to define items is just plain dumb.”
“I never thought I would actually agree with Drake. -Tt- if classifications aren’t secure why even bother with them in the first place? It is foolish.”
“Capitalists like being in control and being wrong,” Steph said.
“Hell yeah, fuck capitalists!” Jason yelled, giving Steph a high-five.
“Money is dumb, I am better.” Cass appeared next to Steph, giving a fist pound in greeting. “Plant categories weird. Give Tim beans.” Cass signed while Tim nodded his head in agreement.
“Yes, please give Tim beans, Tim would really love that.” Tim pleaded to the room.
“Master Tim,” Alfred appeared behind Tim holding out a covered tray, “your requested beans.” He lifted the cover revealing a bowl of baked beans.
The room burst into laughter.
“Alfie you are the best!”
“Well he did say beans, he never said what kind though.”
“Iconic Alfred, iconic”
Bruce walked into the kitchen, hearing all the noise from the hallway. He saw the scene and quietly walked up to Tim.
“Here you go, chum,” he said, handing Tim his cup of coffee.
“Thanks Dad,” Tim said leaning onto his dad, watching his family happily continue to argue over plants. Maybe his coffee was delayed, but it was worth it for this, almost.