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It was an early winter morning and Rayane hadn’t had his coffee yet, but the fact he was about to see his mother in a few hours lit up his mood.
„Hey, did you pack the deck of cards?“ Jack asked him after he searched his own bags for a few minutes now.
Rayane watched him. His eyebrows furrowed. „No, I was sure you would do it, since you wanted to bring them.“
„Rayane, seriously? I told you to pack them“ Jack‘s lips pouted and Rayane giggled by the sight of it.
„Ok. Ok. Yeah, of course I packed them. How could I not after the fifth time you said I should pack them.“
Rayane smiled at him and reached into his own bag to show him the deck of cards that were in his hands now.
„You are a pain in the ass! Why am I here? I could’ve stayed home with some reasonable and actually funny people and spent my weekend in my bed.“ Jack’s hands brushed dramatically through his curly hair.
„Because you love me and you want to spend your day in bed with me,“ Rayane answered.
„Yeah. That’s true..,“ he began, but a violent cough stopped him from saying more.
„You okay? Are you getting sick?“ Rayane asked. His voice mixed with worry when the cough didn’t stop right away. His hands reached out to his back to help him breathe better.
„Ah, yes. It’s just my saliva that went down the wrong way.“
Rayane looked at him and the moment Jack stopped coughing he grabbed the bottle of water from the small table in front of him to hand it over.
„Here. Drink. My mom wants to see you alive and she would be very disappointed if she would see me while mourning about the death of my beloved boyfriend because he simply choked himself to death,“ he stated and Jack laughed a little out of breath while he took the bottle thankfully out of his hands to swallow all of the water inside.
„Sorry. I was thirsty.. I‘m gonna go and buy a new bottle in the train restaurant. I will be back in a second. Do you want something else?“ Jack asked and immediately stood up from his seat.
„No, I'm fine!“
„Ok. I‘ll be back.“
While Jack was buying them new water, Rayane was watching him leave, but as soon as he went out of sight he turned to look outside the windows, watching the landscape slowly covering in the morning light. Snow covered trees rustling in the distance.
A small yawn escaped Rayane. It was too early, but he promised his mother to spend the whole weekend with her. It was exhausting for him to get up early in the morning after all of their exams were done and next to the job he did all summer. All the time he had spent studying hour for hour and the rest of the summer he worked until late at night. But now that it was over, he was finally able to feel the excitement of having some free time. He couldn’t wait to see his mother again. It was too long ago when he last saw her and even longer since he remembered how it felt to sleep a normal amount of hours a day.
„Hey! Rayane! This is not the time to day dream about whatever you dreamed about. Here is your coffee,“ Jack said and handed him the warm cup filled with the one thing he craved since he opened his eyes but almost completely forgot he needed. He was so distracted that he didn't even notice that Jack had already made his way back.
„Thank you! I didn’t say to you that I wanted one, but you are such a gentleman.“ Rayane smiled at him and even if the words sounded ironic he knew it was true. They always cared about each other in every possible way.
„I know, I am. You looked like you needed one to start the day.. sooo.. are we ready to play some cards now? I‘m ready for a win!“ Jack laughed. His smile was big, it wrinkled his eyes a little and Rayane couldn’t think about a more beautiful thing he had seen this morning.
„Maybe in your dreams!“ Rayane snorted after he took a sip of his coffee and placed it on the small table in front of him. Jack was definitely about to lose.
The train ride was a blend of laughter and shared glances. The promise of a nice weekend in which they could finally enjoy the presence of each other and the thought of seeing Romy in Toulouse painted the journey with an anticipatory glow that made Rayane’s heart grow. He loved Séte, but after all of the things that happened in this small town, he was looking forward to having a break from it.
XxXxXxXxX
„My boys!“ Romy greeted them with a tight hug when they arrived at the small apartment.
“Mom, that’s enough. You're gonna need to let me go if you want me to live another day.”
“Ok. Ok. Are you getting too old to hug your mother now?” She asked with a smile on her face that made him smile immediately but didn’t say anything.
“He doesn’t mean it like that. We’re happy to be here,” Jack answered for Rayane and followed her inside after he hugged her as well.
Rayane has been there a few times since Romy moved to Toulouse. It was a small apartment with three small rooms. Rayane even had his own room with a small bed and a desk, which Romy used for work when he wasn't on a visit. Somehow her apartment felt like home, but at the same time it still felt strange to him. He didn't live with her anymore. He could smell the familiar scent of vanilla and he could see the furniture they had chosen together in countless video calls but now his real home was somewhere else. It was still in Sete, with Jack.
Pictures covered the painted walls, some of his childhood but a lot of them were from last year. Romy and Rayane with radiant smiles at her last birthday. Next to it a picture of Rayane as a child, bright blue eyes, a too big face on a small body and the familiar dark brown curls, he saw on himself in the reflection of the frame that covered the photo. Jack and Rayane arm in arm laughing at each other at one of the dinners they had together at The Spoon. He followed the wall and for a moment he got lost in those memories but he pushed them aside to notice his mother hanging their jackets neatly on the wardrobe behind the door. He could feel his heart getting tense. He had missed her.
“I prepared us breakfast. I’m sure you are hungry,” Romy led the way to the living room where a small table with food was already set for the three of them.
“How are you? Is everything okay? How is it to work after finishing school?” Romy asked both of them.
“I guess everything is alright. Working all summer was hard, but we managed,” Jack answered after taking a seat at the table and watching Rayane placing a pancake on his plate before he even sat down.
Rayane agreed and stuffed a croissant in his mouth while finally taking his seat at the table. He needed a moment to find his energy again.
“I’m sure you two can enjoy your well deserved off time.. ah, I forgot to tell you,” Romy began. “My colleague wants to meet you. Do you remember Greg? I told you about him!”
Rayane could feel the croissant slowly getting dry in his throat.
“The handsome tall guy?” He swallowed hard while picturing the guy Romy showed him photos of in one of their video calls.
“Yeah, maybe you mentioned him once or twice,” Rayane mocked her with a high pitched voice and earned a punch of Jack’s foot under the table. He finally found his humor again.
“Ouch.. But it’s true!” He said to Jack. “She always talks about him,” Rayane laughed.
“He’s my colleague. Of course I would mention him once in a while,” Romy spoke up with a smile to hide a little nervousness.
“It’s okay if you like him mom. But I hope your taste in men has improved since Brunet, because if I am about to get kidnapped again I’ll kick his ass this time,” Rayane opened up to her.
“Rayane, stop it,” Jack said with a warning voice.
“No. It’s okay. I probably deserved it,” Romy said. “He’s just a colleague. We just got a little closer over the last months. That’s all.”
“If you say so,” Rayane winked at her with a knowing smile.
XxXxXxXxX
After breakfast the three of them headed out to stroll through the streets of Toulouse. Romy stopped at a few shops to buy Rayane a scarf and after he tried to tell her not to buy him anything since she sends him money to do shopping by himself and that she needs to save the money she earns for herself, he gave up on his stubborn mother. He knew where his own stubbornness came from.
“Do you need anything, Jack?” Romy asked him after she chose to buy Rayane another pair of socks.
“No, no. I have everythi-..” Jack began, but suddenly a cough stopped him from speaking the word out loud.
“Everything alright?” Romy asked with worry in her voice.
“Yeah. I just need something to drink.”
“Okay. We will stop and grab you water before we meet Greg.”
When Romy was out of sight, Rayane took immediately place next to Jack.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Rayane asked. His hands were placed on Jack’s side. Slowly brushing against his jacket with his thumbs while he watched him finally breathing normally again after his cough.
“Yeah, I think I just need to drink more.”
“We’ll get you something and I’ll make sure to take care of that. Just tell me if you don't feel alright, okay?” He said, placing a small kiss on his temple. He knew Jack tried to play it down but he was probably about to get sick.
“I will.”
Meeting Greg went well. He was a tall guy with a bit of a tan. A dark perfectly shaven beard covered his chin and big brown eyes with long eyelashes topped his face like a small painting.
He wasn’t intrusive but rather interested in Rayane and Jack’s life in Sète, asking about school, work and sports. Rayane felt a certain sympathy for the man, as he had been close to his mother for months while obviously being very gentle and nice to her. But at least he gave him a suspicious look, which let him know that his mother was very well protected by him.
The evening at the restaurant surprisingly unfolded with laughter and acceptance. After their food and drinks were emptied, they set off on a short walk through the town and ended up at the local Christmas market. Twinkling lights and the smell of Christmas treats enticed them despite their already full stomachs.
Greg and his mother walked ahead of them, while Jack and Rayane walked slowly behind them, trying not to lose sight of them in the crowded market.
Hand-carved wooden toys, delicate glass ornaments and embroidered textiles decorated the stalls they passed. The colorful fairy lights adorned every corner and created a magical sky over the market. Roasted chestnuts sizzled in open braziers, their nutty aroma mingling with the sweet notes of cinnamon and mulled wine. Warm pretzels, gingerbread and candied nuts were on offer at the stalls, tempting passers-by with their delicious aroma and giving Rayane the feeling that he was finally back in the great happiness of his freedom after a long time. No learning, no work, no pressure.
“He seems nice,” Jack slowly opened the topic about the new man in Romy’s life. The whole time they sat together in the restaurant they exchanged glances, communicating their thoughts without using words. After all this time it was something they did when they were around other people.
“Yeah. But still, maybe he is too nice. It’s suspicious, right?”
“No. He just seems nice,” Jack said, clearing his throat briefly.
“I guess. But he could still be a serial killer”.
“Rayane, you worry too much. You should let it go and let her be happy”.
“I know. She is still my mom and not living with her means that I don’t know what happens around her. If anything happens, I’m hours away”.
“You can’t control everything. If something would happen in Sète, you still wouldn’t be around all the time,” Jack tried to calm him and it worked. It always worked. Jack’s words calmed him down like the ocean that is dancing in its own rhythm towards the horizon before even the roughest waves eventually smoothen out at the shore.
“I know. It’s just that I miss her and of course I love her. She deserves to be happy. I just want to be.. around,” Rayane said. The feelings inside him overwhelmed him a little, but Jack’s presence made him feel better.
“You know, you can always live with her,” Jack whispered. His voice sounded a little less enthusiastic than he probably wanted to sound.
“I- I would, but I would rather want to stay where you are!” He said silently into the distance, he was sure Jack couldn’t hear his words. They needed to pause their conversation because Romy and Greg stopped at a small wooden chalet to grab a mulled wine for all of them and warm themselves a little.
“Here you go!” Greg handed Rayane a small mug with hot liquid in it and he thankfully took it.
They stayed in the warm chalet for a bit, drinking their mulled wine mostly in silence while listening to Romy and Greg’s conversation. Darkness laid itself around the small town and only the warm colored Christmas lights left a warm shadow of lights around them. Just enough to see their reddened faces and the snowflakes falling on the soft white ground.
Another cough escaped Jack's mouth, but before Rayane's mother realized it, he took another sip of the now warm wine.
“Hey, are you okay?” Rayane asked.
“It’s just a little cold!”
“Come here,” Rayane instructed him to lay his head on his shoulder and he did.
His body heat immediately reached Rayane’s skin and Rayane laid his hands around him to give him more heat of his own body.
They stayed like that for a few more minutes before he felt Jack's body shiver with cold.
“Let’s go home!” Rayane decided and without waiting for his answer he informed his mother about his plan to leave early with Jack and go back to the apartment.
Rayane and Jack strolled through the town hand in hand, their breath noticeable in the crisp evening air as the moon was throwing dark shadows on the snow-covered streets. Toulouse was adorned with twinkling lights everywhere, and a soft blanket of snow crunched under their shoes with every step.
Rayane felt Jack's cold hand and stopped briefly to wrap his cozy scarf around him to warm him for the slightly longer walk back.
“Here, I can feel your cold hands,” Rayane said while he straightened the scarf once again, only to use the excuse to look at him, feeling the snow slowly getting caught in his eyelashes.
Jack's cheeks were flushed pink from the cold and contrasted with the deep gray/blue of his eyes, making Rayane think how lucky he was to see him without the bandages that had covered his eyes back then.
„Do you want to-.. do you want to move to Toulouse?“
The fear was now written in his face and Jack squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, as if he wouldn’t want to watch Rayane answering his own question.
Rayane placed his left hand over his and brushed slowly with his thumb over it. He could feel the tension in the air. The one question he never even dared to ask out loud even though he already knew the answer.
„I couldn’t leave without you!“ Rayane slipped a little closer to him. His face inches away and his hands slightly gripping into Jack’s jacket. He could see his own breath misting in the cold before he laid his forehead against Jack’s.
„I could never let you leave,“ Jack said while swallowing hard. „I already said to you.. you are stuck with me forever!“ He whispered.
Rayane laughed. It wasn’t a loud laugh, more a tender one. One, that carried his love.
„I know, and you‘ll never get rid of me again.. wherever we may be,“ Rayane smiled. He felt Jack‘s curls tickle his cheekbones when he moved his warm lips to place a kiss on his nose.
The scent of roasting chestnuts still wafted through the air, and the distant sound of carolers added to the festive mood Rayane felt during the winter season. With Jack his life really became different.
XxXxXxXxX
Once in the apartment, Jack snuggled straight into the small bed while Rayane made them both a cup of tea before joining him.
“Here, but be careful, it’s hot!” Rayane warned him, placing the hot tea next to them on the small desk.
“Thank you!” Jack whispered while he pulled him closer by his arms and placed the blanket over them.The soft glow of moonlight spilled through the curtains, casting a gentle glow on their entwined figures.
They stayed like that for a few minutes before both of them tried to speak out loud.
„You go first!“
His head nestled deeper into Rayane's chest, finding solace in the comfort of his arms.
„I-.. We never talked about what will happen after school,“ Rayane admitted, his voice carrying a hint of uncertainty.
„But we agreed on working a bit more before deciding what to do,“ Jack said. His eyes reflected the lack of sleep and exhaustion of the last few weeks, but there was still this light sparkle in it Rayane fancied. A glimmer that caught Rayane’s attention.
„Yeah, but we never talked about moving in together.“
Rayane watched his expression tighten with his words. He probably wasn’t prepared for that talk.
„No, no we did not,“ Jack began, a blush tinting his cheeks, while Rayane felt a mixture of nervousness and affection.
“You don’t want to?” Rayane whispered, his hands still wrapped around Jack’s.
“I- I do. I just can’t imagine having my own place,” he admitted and a smile crept across Rayane’s face. He understood that Jack’s living situation was different; he had always been close to his family. For him, family was a constant presence unless he was with Rayane.
“It must be weird to imagine having your own room. To not share it with Lizzie and having the freedom of doing what you want, wherever you want,” Rayane teased, planting soft kisses on his neck.
“Rayane!” Jack giggled until another cough stopped him.
“We practically spend all our time together already,” Rayane remarked, his teasing relenting into tender kisses. He needed to feel Jack, the warmth, the closeness, the reassurance.
"You're right.. It's just... I've never had my own space. What if I hate it?"
Rayane paused to gaze at him with understanding. “Hate to have your own space? We can visit your annoying sister and brothers anytime you want, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Rayane reassured him.
“Okay!”
“Okay?” Rayane could feel the excitement filling his body.
“Okay!” Jack whispered again, and in that moment a shared anticipation for the future filled the air, sealing their unspoken commitment to navigate the unknown together.
A short silence spread again around the dark room. A little light from the street lamps outside made them watch each other in ease. It was one of those moments, when he looked back into Jack‘s eyes and felt all the love from him. Just one look and he could feel it. The fear of rejection somewhere in between, but what weighed more than the fear was the feeling in his chest. The slow but strong pumps of his own heart. The one that was giving him a warm feeling in his veins and bones. And one that let him know that stopping in the hallway for the blind boy was the best choice he ever made in life. Within the cocoon of their shared warmth, the night echoed with the rhythmic beating of strong heartbeats.
„I love you!“ Jack whispered, his body straightened up a bit to face him.
„I love you!“ Rayane whispered while he already felt the warm breath of Jack laying on his lips before he closed the gap between them in a hurry to feel what a bond of honesty and trust would do with his body.
„What was it you wanted to say?“ Rayane paused to whisper those words against his lips. His eyes already darkened by their closeness.
“I think I’ll get sick”.
“Yes,” Rayane laughed a little. His body now covered Jacks.
“We should stop, or you’ll get sick too!”
“No, no we shouldn’t,” Rayane breathed against his lips. He didn’t care. Not tonight.