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I take a glimpse at the cloudy sky. The rain didn't let up even for a moment since yesterday night, and at this early hour we wouldn't be able to walk around at all if it wasn't for some lamps scattered here and there through the streets of the Capital.
Gloomy.
I look back at the ground. This shitty weather fits my mood so well that, if someone were to tell me it's my fault it is raining, I would be hard-pressed to deny their claim. Even more so because the rain had started right when Master and Azuma no Miya were discussing leaving Miyo behind.
She's an idiot, a dime-a-dozen human, a sacrifice like the countless ones Master has brought here from all over the land of Wa. Although, this time, leaving her behind didn't make me feel relieved at all.
~~"...She seemed to get along with Zen."~~
Azuma-san's words replay over and over in my head, making me wonder when it started, when I had allowed her to get close to me.
Was it after she went to seek Hie no Obiko-sama's help, and genuinely apologized to me for using Sadera-sama's string? Or was it even before that, when she told master she believed I was a good person, for no other reason than me being his disciple, just like she was?
'That idiot... she makes it sound so simple.'
If people could trust me so easily, there would be no need to travel all around the land of Wa, carrying gifts for the Kami and asking for their mercy, all in the hope to reach Hitokotonushi-sama and ask her to remove my horns and make me human again.
As much as I don't want to admit it, I suppose Master was right. She is special, and doesn't deserve to die on a mountain pass. She's different from us, she's just a run-of-the-mill human whose only misfortune was to be an orphan that her village had conveniently chosen to be a sacrifice... there's no reason for her to tag along with us on our dangerous travels. No reason to risk her life.
I should probably be happy that the first human who didn't shun me after seeing my horns has a chance to live safely and comfortably. A part of me is actually relieved about it, however...
Why is there this feeling of emptiness in my chest?
"-en. ... Zen."
I hear Master's voice, and I realize he must have been calling me for a while. I look up at him, wordlessly. Now he has my attention, he can ask me whatever he wants.
"We are about to leave the Capital."
"Hn." I nod. It doesn't really change to me if we are in the city or in the woods. I only have to pay attention to where I'm putting my feet. I'm already looking at the ground anyway.
"You seem to be lost in thought..."
"You must be imagining things." I say in a dismissive tone.
"Are you sad?"
The question is rather unexpected. He usually refrains from asking about my feelings or emotions.
"Do I have a reason to be?" I question back, my own voice sounding very grumpy in my ears.
"The fact that we left Miyo behind...?" he ventures.
"We left countless people behind, why should this time be different from the others?" I grumble.
"You didn't get along with the others." His matter-of-fact tone is almost infuriating.
"I didn't get along with her either, I was just tolerating her. She's an idiot, leaving her behind just means one less burden for us." I start walking faster, uncaring of the rain falling on me.
Master doesn't try to keep up with me, he knows that walking ahead is my way of saying I don't want to talk about the subject anymore. I'm sure he's thinking I'm more upset about leaving her behind than I would ever admit, but I don't care.
He can peer into my heart as much as he wants, as long as I don't have to confront what he finds.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It has been a few weeks since we left the Capital. I listen absent-mindedly as Master tells Shirato-sama about our journey. He tells her we passed a village so eerily empty that we made haste to leave it as soon as possible. He tells of Ho-no-kigunushi-sama's people, preparing a festival for him even though we had been warned not to enter his shrine. He tells her that right before arriving here we encountered mist thick enough to confound the senses, but managed to get past it without anything happening.
What he doesn't tell her is that he saw an hallucination of Hitokotonushi-sama, nor that -as I didn't tell him in the first place- I similarly saw Miyo, a big smile on her face and no retaliation words in her mouth.
He would never shut up about how much I supposedly miss her if I told him.
Just as I'm getting lost in thought, wishing we could just wake up tomorrow and find out leaving Miyo behind was nothing but a dream, a bird comes flying inside the house. It approaches Master, who notices it has a message attached to its leg.
Apparently, Miyo has accepted to marry Azuma-no-Miya. The man says he wants to hold the wedding as soon as possible, but he would be willing to wait for us to return to the Capital if we wish to attend.
It will be his gift to his new bride, he says.
Before Master can turn around and ask me what I want to do, I'm already stomping outside.
'That cheapskate.'
I grab my ax, lying near the entrance, and march to where Shirato-sama keeps the uncut logs. I start chopping them down with excessive strength, making splinters fly left and right.
'He has so many wives he forgot the right number, but he won't even bother to give Miyo a proper gift? Is he looking down on her because she is just a commoner? Is he even going to treat her properly after the wedding? Shouldn't we actually return to the Capital and take her back with us? So we can protect her?'
As my thoughts start to wander, I hear Master and Shirato-sama speak, inside the house.
"He misses her, maybe more than he realizes." Master says.
I slam my ax down on another log.
"But if she was not afraid of him, why did you leave her behind?"
Another log, another angry blow with my ax.
"We face a lot of dangers in our pilgrimage. Zen and I can fend for ourselves, but..." He pauses, and I unconsciously stop chopping the wood to hear what he'll say next. "If she were to die because we failed to protect her, I don't think Zen would ever be able to forgive himself. I wouldn't be able to, for sure."
I look down at my hands, clenching the ax' handle so hard that my knuckles turned white.
Master is right. We might not be enough to protect her. A normal human, maybe, but not her. Not the one who would mindlessly touch a sacred treasure, venture into the realm of the dead on her own... trust an Oni like me just because he's Master's disciple as well.
'She is too much for me to protect.'
My anger seems to fade away, leaving behind a feeling of uselessness and inadequacy.
Unable to even hear anything more that Master is saying, I move away, looking for trees to cut in the woods.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Almost two years have passed since we left Miyo behind.
I've tried to forget about her, tried to force myself to forget about her, but it didn't work.
So I had to at least convince myself that I didn't resent Master for leaving her behind, that I didn't envy Azuma-no-Miya for marrying her.
That worked.
Kind of.
Master would say that I just shut off any kind of feelings I previously had, and maybe he's right. That would explain why every day that passed since then seemed the same to me, hazy and blurry as dreams after one wakes up, dull dreams that have nothing to remember and nothing to forget.
Many times I've wished this was all just a bad dream.
I'm not even sure why I'm thinking about her right now.
After much effort I had learned to keep her memory decently at bay -always floating in my mind, but at least no longer at the forefront of my every thought- but in the past few days almost everything seems to remind me of her, and I'm feeling restless for some reason I can't pinpoint.
It all started four days ago, when out of the blue I felt like something had grabbed my heart, squeezing it tight. Master got worried, he insisted we'd stop for the day to make sure I was fine, but just as quickly as it came, the sensation had already gone away.
At that moment, I saw a flash of Miyo's face, so quick to appear and disappear that I couldn't even tell from her expression whether she was happy or sad. Since then, she had been plaguing my mind as much as she did when we first left the Capital.
In the middle of my musing, a bird carrying a message approaches Master, landing on his shoulder.
The scene reminds me of another message we received the same way, and suddenly a feeling of dread engulfs me, making my stomach shrink and my breath catch in my throat.
It feels like it's taking hours for Master to take the message from the little bird's leg and open it, but I force myself not to snatch the paper from him.
"It's from Azuma-san..." He says, surprise in his voice.
I feel my heartbeat speed up. We haven't visited him nor heard from him since he told us about the wedding.
Master's eyes run over the message. As always, he would read it and then summarize the content for me, but as his eyes move down, his expression becomes darker and darker. By the time he's done, he crumbles the paper in his hand, looking at the ground.
"Master?" I ask, knowing that I won't like whatever it was that made him so distraught.
"Miyo..." He says, covering his eyes with his hand. "They were moving to Oumi, and there was an assault... She is..."
He trails off, but I don't need to hear the rest.
I've known, already, since a few days ago.
I can feel despair clawing at my innards, squeezing my heart, my lungs, my stomach, as if it wanted to drain all life from me.
The darkest feelings of hate dwelling inside of me rise up to counter my desperation, and I feel like they're going to explode if I don't let them out soon.
I run away from Master while I still have enough presence of mind not to hurt him, and the moment I am far enough I tear off the seal on my neck, an inhuman scream coming out of my throat.
In my frenzy of destruction, I can feel the tears I have been holding up for the past two years finally running down my beastly face.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Zen..."
A pleading voice reaches my ears, and my mind goes blank for a moment. It's the voice of a young girl, one I have longed to hear for years. But I must have misheard. No matter how strongly I can wish for it, there's no way I could hear the voice of the dead.
Maybe a girl with a similar voice got lost in the woods and is asking for help? But if that was the case, it would make no sense for her to know my name.
I'm sure I must have had some kind of hallucination, but I stand up, looking for the source of that voice just to ease my mind.
As Master asks me what is wrong and suggests I get some rest, my foot bumps against a wooden mask.
I pick it up, examining it up close.
It's strange. I'm equally sure that I have never seen it before, and that it's tied to some important event of my past.
Something from before I turned into an Oni? But I never left my village before then, and it was so far away that it's hard to believe someone came all the way here to lose a mask.
Maybe one of the many disciples Master took before Miyo?
I don't recall any of them wearing anything so conspicuous, and yet the memory of having traveled with someone wearing it is trying to resurface in my mind, fuzzy like the memory of a dream.
"Master." I ask. "Remind me. Am I your only disciple?"
"Come on, now. You are too young to be going senile on me. You've been my only disciple for a long time now." He says, sounding surprised.
He's right. He hasn't taken any other disciples after Miyo. He never said it out loud, but I know he wanted to spare me the misery of visiting the Capital and meeting Azuma-no-Miya ...and possibly his youngest wife.
"...Yeah, I guess so." I reply at last, before returning to my place near the fire.
~
With a swing of Master's sword, the barrier between the worlds is torn apart and the open field that is An'Inseki-sama's shrine appears around us.
"It is good to see you again, An'Inseki-sama." Master calls out.
"Oh...? I know that voice! I was just thinking it was about time you'd be turning up."
As per usual, An'Inseki-sama says he was expecting our visit and then starts trying to recall when we last met. Sometimes I wonder how much of the future he can foresee, or if he's just messing with us. This time, though, he also seems surprised to see how much older Master looks and how much I grew, as if he didn't expect so much time to have passed since last time we met.
"We are here today at the Emperor's urgent request..." Master says, "Your peerless divine instrument. We are here to return the four-eyed incense."
Both An'Inseki-sama and I are surprised to learn that the tool was used for assassination. I didn't know about that, as I wasn't with Master when he was given the sacred treasure.
When Azuma-no-Miya summoned Master, saying he needed him to deliver something to a god, I couldn't find it in myself to go as well, and for the first time since I became his disciple, I asked Master to go without me. In the end, though, Master was received by a court official who just gave him a box with the tool and a letter from Azuma-san.
An'Inseki-sama curses the humans' habit of twisting the intended purpose of tools and takes back his sacred treasure, thus ending our task.
"By the way..." he asks, "your other disciple... what's happened to Miyo?"
I feel darkness envelop my heart the moment the words leave his mouth. Did he really have to bring her up?
Master asks not to talk about her, saying he blames himself for leaving her with Azuma-no-Miya.
An'Inseki-sama seems incredibly surprised to hear about such a bad ending, and it's then that I realize.
"Hold on. How do you know about her, An'Inseki-sama? We met her at the village worshiping Kippuson-sama... that was after we received the mirror from you."
I feel something stir inside my heart. A sort of hope and anticipation that I hadn't felt in a while. Could it really be...?
Confused, An'Inseki-sama takes two orbs from the nearby scaffolds, and it turns out they are his other two eyes. Now that he has put them on, he seems to see clearly what really happened.
"Ah. Yes. Indeed. Quite a number of knots. Then you... must be unaware of who you truly are."
This strikes a chord within me. I'm not even sure what An'Inseki-sama's words mean, but I feel they are exactly what I've been looking for since the day we parted ways with Miyo. From the day I started feeling there was something fundamentally wrong about my very existence.
"Take in this incense. All will make sense then." He offers me the burner we just brought back.
His words convince me immediately. Maybe... maybe this tool will show me how An'Inseki-sama got to know Miyo. Maybe I will be able to see her again.
Master advises me against using the tool, earning the ire of its owner deity, but even though feeble, the chance of seeing Miyo again pushes me to continue, despite Master's warnings and protests. I turn the lid, and the smoke from the burner starts wafting around, enveloping me.
Being aware that I might never wake up, I feel I at least owe Master my thanks. If I didn't die in the mountains like the Oni I am, hunted by soldiers, it's all thanks to him. He taught me so much.
And traveling with him allowed me to meet her.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Master studying me. Sighing, he sits down, saying -or rather, demanding- that I tell him everything about the reason why I'm taking such a risk.
That makes me feel suddenly shy. I've been denying for so long my lingering attachment to Miyo, but if the incense is really going to work, it seems I'll have to reveal it at last.
I scratch my head, quickly debating what to do.
"Ah, fine..." I say after a very short while. What is a little embarrassment, if it means I can see her again?
~
We find ourselves on top of the imperial palace, the building dominating the entire area. A woman appears in the middle of the courtyard, surrounded by smoke from the four-eyed incense.
She seems familiar somehow. Those long, lustrous, unstyled hair aren't something you see every day. I seem to remember her, but just like the mask I found yesterday, a part of me knows I have never seen her before.
She turns around, and my heart leaps in my chest.
Those features... She resembles Miyo so much. Is she her mother? An older sister? But Miyo was poor enough she had to forage in the forest; that woman is wearing too fine clothes for that.
The woman looks toward the low building and starts fretting at something. She moves closer to it, kneeling down and disappearing from sight for a few moments, and when she stands up once again, a kid is with her.
'Miyo...'
The moment I see her, I realize I'm inhaling deeply enough to completely fill my lungs, as if to make up for years spent holding my breath.
I can't hear what they are talking about, but when the woman gets angry, I have no doubts left in my mind. It's Miyo.
'She's beautiful...' I think, looking at both the kid and the adult Miyo with a mix of fondness and longing.
Just seeing her in adult form fixed something deep inside my soul, that bottomless despair I felt upon learning of her death, that feeling of inadequacy and loss that has been my companion ever since we left her behind.
I feel my heart starting to beat again. I can hear it pounding in my chest, and it's like it's doing so for the first time since the day we abandoned her.
Adult Miyo directs her younger self to the opposite side of the palace, and once the kid starts running, the woman dissolves in a puff of smoke.
Her task here must be done, and she must no longer need the power of the four-eyed incense.
As I'm wondering where kid Miyo ran off to, Master breaks the silence.
"This really is a dream, I never thought I'd live to see Miyo again. Who was the lady with her, though? They both seemed to be enveloped in the four-eyed incense..."
"Miyo... so that's what she looks like as an adult." I answer, unable to wipe that silly, relieved grin from my face.
Master starts to fret, understandably so. The kid Miyo we left behind at the Capital died a few years ago. For adult Miyo to exist, fate itself would have to be rewritten.
Master wonders who is real, us or the adult Miyo, and once he figures things out he seems aggravated by the weird jokes of fate, but to me, being just an illusion it's not so bad, if it means she had a chance to live.
"Incredible. From the day we left her at the Capital, up to this very moment. It was us. We were the dream." I say, looking at my hands that are starting to turn into pieces. Why does this sight make my heart feel so light, lighter than it ever was since I have memories?
"Zen... you realized it, didn't you? How?" Master asks, almost sulking.
"I wouldn't say I realized anything. Just... ...well."
The first fond memory I have of her, the moment she came to wake me up the day after I transformed, comes back to my mind. Why was I so stubborn back then? Why couldn't I admit, at least to myself, how soothing her gentle smile was?
'How much I have missed it...'
"I always thought... it'd be nice if we were just dreaming." I admit, sheepishly.
Master laughs lightly at my words, probably aware of all the feelings I'm leaving unsaid. While he's wondering why An'Inseki-sama had us smell the incense to come to this place instead of just revealing the truth to us, I see a multitude of shadows rise up in the palace's courtyard, getting closer to Miyo.
My body moves on its own. I grab the trusted ax at my side, throwing it with all my strength at the things trying to approach her.
I just saw her, alive, after years of tormenting myself over her death. I won't let anyone or anything attempt to her life.
The ax lands in front of Miyo, slaying the thing that was closer to reach her. The throw was probably the most powerful and precise of my whole life, and I realize the incense must have had a role in making the ax land exactly where I wanted it to. This is a world that only exists in the minds of the ones currently here, after all.
In this dimension where illusions and real people, the present and the past, can come together, those black creepy things must be the lingering consciences of those who were murdered using the four-eyed incense.
"Hmph. Maybe they think they can wake up if they have a flesh-and-blood body?" Master muses.
"Dunno, but... Now I see why we've been sent here."
We can atone for our sin of leaving her behind. We have the chance of making things right, ensuring the safety of this Miyo --the real Miyo.
I take off my cloak and my scarf, ready to remove for the last time the seal hiding my horns. Master undoes the concealment of his sword, letting the thin strips of cloth float in the wind.
Ready to fight, he runs down the roof and jumps ahead, giving me the necessary space to transform into that beast-like thing that is my Oni form.
The ax I threw earlier has created an opening for Miyo to run ahead of most of the shadows, and by the time my transformation is complete, Master has reached the courtyard and is slaying the ones getting closer to her.
She manages to get past the last gate of the palace and is about to reach a bridge that would take her to safety, but one last shadow, unexpected and huge, emerges from the river. She abruptly stops, looking up at the thing sluggishly approaching her.
'I won't let you get her.' I think as I punch that thing with all my might, sending it flying and destroying the bridge in the process.
I acted on impulse, the desire to protect her stronger than anything, but now that I feel her eyes on me, I suddenly feel self-conscious of my inhuman appearance. She has seen my Oni form once already, and she didn't push me away even though I almost attacked her, but my appearance has changed a lot since then.
What if she thinks I'm another one chasing after her?
What if she realizes it's me, and gets grossed out by how much more of a beast I've become?
Keeping my back to her to avoid showing my feral appearance, I point my finger to a point in the distance. It's the place where Master and I stopped for the night after leaving her. That is where she belongs. Together with us. Together with me.
I reach my hand out to Master, watching me from the river's bank, and I feel my body starting to dissolve.
'We've done it, Master. We saved her.' I don't need to say it out loud, I know he's thinking the same. After all, we've been sharing the same pain for years.
I have no remorses, no regrets, as my body is slowly swept away in the wind. I don't mind sacrificing this fake existence of mine to keep Miyo alive.
As the last bits of me fly away, I spare a thought for my other self.
'Take care of her.'
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I open my eyes groggily, feeling equally tired and refreshed. The memories are hazy, but I feel like I lived a few years in my dreams, and that those years were not pleasant at all. Despite that, though, I'm in a slightly better mood than yesterday, as if whatever happened in my dreams to make my life unpleasant, found a resolution at last.
I rub my eyes to take the sleep away from them.
It's not like dreams can really influence one's life, no use in dwelling in whatever my mind conjured.
I stand up and, yawning all the way, I start walking away from the camp to relieve myself. Halfway through my bed and a place hidden from sight, I remember that Miyo is no longer with us, there is no need to be discreet anymore.
Once I'm done I return to the camp, where Master is still sleeping. I start lighting the fire to get breakfast ready, when I hear an unexpected voice.
"Master..."
The man in question wakes up upon being called, and I'm totally frozen and with my mouth hanging open.
"MIYO!? Why are you here!?" We both scream in wonder, unable to believe our own eyes.
Where did she find the time to get all prettied up, dressed like a princess, and to reach us, who left at dawn and walked for a whole day?
She looks down at herself, confused, like someone who just woke up from a dream. Then, the moment she regains her bearing, she points a finger at Master, saying she's here because she searched for us.
They start arguing, Master trying to warn her about the dangers that might await us and her throwing back at him the words he said to her after the failed sacrifice.
I stare at them, dumbfounded, thinking of how easy a life she could have lived had she stayed behind. Instead, she came out of her way to come with us, uncaring of the dangers.
"You're such an idiot." I blurt out. This earns me her anger, and it feels such a familiar feeling.
"Just stay in the Capital like a good girl." Seriously, will she ever learn not to pointlessly put herself in danger? ...Seems like I'll have to keep looking after her...
"You're his disciple, too?" I taunt her in a way that has become the norm in the short time we traveled together. "We're nothing alike." This I say, and I really should feel more worried about having to babysit her once more.
But for some reason, I'm unable to wipe that silly, relieved grin from my face.