Chapter Text
When Reid meets Morgan for the first time, he is a bit intimidated by his cocky smile and the constant stream of puns. He knows this type, and no matter what Gideon says, he prefers to be cautious. Just in case. He's used to being made fun of and to not being taken seriously. But Morgan makes it go away in a terrifyingly short amount of time. When Reid spontaneously bursts into statistics, or makes a geographic profile on a scratch of paper, or quotes files and books he has read long time ago, Morgan looks at him with a mild admiration instead of the oh-so-familiar annoyance. It's nothing special, Reid has been doing it for as long as he can remember (and he can remember a lot), but that's like the third time in his life when someone actually full heartedly admires his abilities without feeling intimidated and thus in a need to fight back. Morgan is outrageously not what Reid initially thought he would be.
Morgan is easy going, kind and witty. He is great with kids, great with animals, great with women… he is just generally great. He makes Reid feel relaxed, and safe, and at home. But the way Morgan projects himself onto the world changes in a heartbeat when there is a dangerous situation. When someone - anyone - is in immediate danger, Morgan becomes snappy and aggressive. He insists on being assigned to the most dangerous part of the investigation, he is the first one to knock down doors and place himself in the harm's way. At times, he even disregards direct orders. It's as if Morgan doesn't quite trust his colleagues to protect themselves, so he prefers to take the heat himself to maintain control. And oh how angry he gets when someone gets hurt anyway.
Reid is best friends with JJ, and Gideon is like a father to him, while Hotch is like an older brother both of whom he has never really had. And Garcia… well, Garcia is a fellow nerd, sweet and utterly brilliant. But with Morgan it's something different, special even. They get each other on a level that is almost disturbing. They shouldn't have this level of understanding, different people that they are. Reid knows that he understands what he understands because of what his childhood was like. But nothing he knows about Morgan indicates he has had similar experiences. And yet, somehow Reid knows that Morgan is also damaged. Also hurt. Also lost in some way. Reid knows that beneath Morgan's sturdy facade, he is fragile. His overprotectiveness, his anger, his frustration when situation gets out of control - Reid knows it all far too well. He wonders who was it exactly that Morgan lost. You don't ask questions like that. Reid knows as much, so he keeps quiet.
On the train case Morgan almost loses it when Reid proposes to go and trick the unsub himself. He has neither the power nor the moral authority to say this, it's not his call, but nevertheless Morgan explodes with "I forbid you" and "You are not going there, Reid" without a shadow of hesitation. If it was someone else - anyone else! - Reid would've taken it as questioning his abilities to do his job. He would explode right back. But that's Morgan, and Reid can see just how much he cares and how much he can't stand putting anyone in danger, so his answer is calm and gentle. He reassures Morgan with all he has that it's the only way, and that he will be fine. He doesn't even object when Morgan puts a vest on him while repeating things Reid already knows very well. "If it helps Morgan deal with stress, it's okay," thinks Reid. And then he goes inside that train and kind of betrays Morgan by not keeping his promises. It's not like Reid has a choice if he wants to save the hostages, but still…
Afterwords Morgan doesn't talk to him until the next day. He doesn't even look at him. He is so angry and tense, that Reid can feel it from a distance. And he can also feel that Morgan tries very hard not to snap on him, not to be completely out of line with a colleague who did successfully close the case after all. Reid gives him his space and time to calm down. That's just another proof of how badly Morgan deals with even a potential loss.
Initially, Reid doesn't think it's about him. Morgan is overprotective with almost everyone: from victims to the almighty Hotch. But the more they know each other, the more he realizes it is about him after all. Morgan is just different with him in his reactions: more intense, more honest, faster to explode. Maybe it's because Reid is the youngest. Maybe it's because he looks fragile and awkward. Maybe Morgan also feels that deep inside they are both broken.
Reid trusts him: intuitively at first and then, after he shares with him his nightmares, Reid trusts him by choice. He trusts him because Morgan really cares about him, and even if sometimes it means trouble - that's just Morgan: he needs to know he's done everything he possibly could. Reid gets it. He also trusts him because he wants to gain Morgan's trust and it's a two-way street. It will take time, but he hopes that someday they'll be close enough for him to be able to help with the damage.
He certainly doesn't expect to hear that Derek was repeatedly raped by a monster in a uniform, though in hindsight it makes a lot of sense. Now he knows who was it that Morgan lost: Morgan lost himself. He lost a feel of control over his life and by all accounts he has also lost faith. Reid tries to hate Carl Bufford for what he did, but he fails, he isn’t very good at hating. He is just so damn sorry that it happened. Especially that it happened to Morgan. Morgan who is so great, and thoughtful, and caring, but who doesn't let anyone come close enough to really get to know him. Reid saw Morgan in Chicago when they hunted the unsub without knowing yet that it's Bufford. He saw him right after. Morgan certainly isn't over what happened. He is still ashamed. He probably didn't even visit a therapist. He probably never told anyone. All these years he was angry, and ashamed, and afraid, and he was in it all alone while maintaining his carefree macho facade. Reid knows how it feels, he knows a lot about wearing masks and being lonely, and he wants to help. He just doesn't know how, and Morgan doesn’t help by closing up immediately after their return to Quantiko.
Soon after that Tobias Hankel happens, and there is torture and drugs, so many drugs - long after Hankel is dead... when Spencer finally claws his way out of that dark hole, he isn't sure he didn't screw it all up: his job, his friends, his life… and whatever it is they have with Morgan. As far as he can guess, Morgan would have been furious and quite crushed when he found out about the kidnapping. He is right: JJ tells him at some point, long after the case, that Morgan was indeed terrifying. But now he is totally fine with Jennifer and doesn't even talk to Reid outside of work. Maybe he is just that angry. Or maybe he thinks that Reid is disgusting with his drugs problem. Reid himself would agree on that... but he realizes almost immediately that that’s not the case. Morgan wouldn’t judge him for addiction. He is better than that. So, most likely it’s just that Reid went too far in getting himself hurt, and Morgan simply can’t deal with it anymore.
It certainly doesn't help that it's his fault that JJ was hunted by the dogs and that he got kidnapped. It is also his fault that he didn't go to rehab right after he realized he has a problem. He made everyone worry and, knowing how hard it is for Morgan to be in a situation like this when he can't do anything, Reid isn't surprised that Morgan is distancing himself from him. That's only fair. After all, Reid really does attract troubles on his head a lot, and he isn't very good at dealing with them either.
Even so, he fails to stay away. It takes a leap of faith to share his fears with Morgan for the first time after the kidnapping, but afterwards he just can't stop. Each time Morgan is so ready to help, and more importantly, he understands it all so well... it's intoxicating. Addicting. Maybe Morgan helps him because Reid is also damaged and ashamed of himself, and now that Morgan surely knows it, he can't deny him help. Maybe he feels responsible. Maybe it's just a result of how generally great Morgan is, still being there for him when he is requested, even though he detached himself from Reid in an everyday life. That's not healthy for either of them, Reid knows it. It would be better to let Morgan step away. He can't. So he pretends everything is fine and tries not to impose himself on Morgan when he can help it. He misses him badly though.
As time goes on, Morgan softens on him. Sometimes it's just like it was before. They have their moments: they talk, they joke, they cover each other's backs and argue about stupid things like who is cooler, Flash or Batman. Sometimes Reid catches Morgan staring at him with a soft smile and a strange dreamy look on his face. That never lasts though. Morgan rushes away the moment he realizes Reid noticed. Still, they do more or less fine, and though Reid can't get closer to the man, he also doesn't feel being pushed further away.
After Gideon leaves the agency, Reid is nearly lost. He has been there before with his own father, but he has never thought that Gideon would do that to him as well. He didn't even realize himself how much the man meant to him until it was too late. Luckily, Gideon knew that long before Reid did. And he left anyway. Reid goes over the letter and their recent conversations again and again, trying to make sense of it, but all he can think about is that his illusion of a happy little family is broken. Gideon is far gone, Hotch is dealing with his marriage issues, and Elle is lost to the team and doesn't even want to talk to any of them anymore. They still care about each other, maybe even more than before, and they have Emily now, and they still count as a family. But the "happy" part is gone. Reid gets closer with JJ, and Garcia kind of takes him under her wing, and he suddenly finds a really good friend in Emily… but it's not the same. It won't ever be. Not with Gideon lost. Not with Hotch forgetting how to laugh. Not with Morgan always so far away. Still, they go on catching bad guys and surviving shootings, reapers and nightmares. They even get closer with Morgan, keeping their bizarre connection alive and sharing moments of the past and thoughts of the present. Most part of the sharing is on Reid's side though. He always thought of himself as of a pretty closed up person. Compared to Morgan, he is a shameless extrovert. But hey, it's still the best kind-of-friendship-but-not-quite he has ever had.
The anthrax case gets them hard. The moment Reid realizes that the room is contaminated, he knows he's gonna die. He is fast enough to close the door though, so Morgan is most likely out of danger, which is great, but then it hits him. It's not even that he doesn't want to die - of course he doesn't, and of cause he's angry and scared, but those first few seconds when he sees Derek's shocked face all he can think about is: "Oh, God, not again". He can almost see how panic grows in Derek mind, how it overtakes him. Reid knows how badly he would take being completely helpless and watching him die, and maybe even thinking that somehow it's his fault. He thinks, "I'm so sorry, Derek, I didn't want you to go through this, please be ok and not blame yourself for not coming here first. Sorry for not letting you step away from me after the last time. Sorry for not being able to let go. Sorry for putting you through this again".
He only says "Sorry", but he thinks that somehow Morgan got the sense of it because he doesn't ask any questions, he just stands there, tense and raw.
Reid keeps himself busy with the case for as long as he physically can, and after that he just tries to hold on to his denial of drugs despite the pain and troubled breathing. At some point he almost wishes to die already, but he can't just leave them behind. "Them" meaning his mother, who's got literally no one else, his weird work family and Derek. Derek, who shouldn't be on this list separately from the team, but who is still on it nonetheless. When Reid wakes up on his way to recovery, Morgan is sitting next to his bed, and that's so normal that Reid is only surprised by his own lack of surprise a few hours later. They don't even talk about it. Reid isn't going to ruin the moment by scaring Morgan away with questions, and Morgan doesn't seem to want to go away. That doesn't last very long.