Chapter Text
Morgan loves Reid. He knows it, his team knows it, and eventually even Spencer figures it out. But neither Morgan himself, nor his team, nor Reid - especially not Reid - know what kind of love it is.
Morgan finally figures it out, when he is expecting it the least. Sometimes you know everything you need to understand the truth, but you miss that one little detail that makes it click... and then you finally see it and your life changes instantly and irreversibly. You cannot return to where you've been just a moment ago, and you cannot pretend you are still there.
Morgan figures it out when he sees Spencer on that cemetery, dirty and bruised, badly hurt but still alive. The realization hits him so hard that for a while he goes on autopilot. He smiles, he moves, he interacts, but he is out of reality for a good half an hour.
Morgan is used to proving to the whole world each and every minute that he is strong, brave and reliable. He needs to be in control. He just can't go without it. The truth is, deep down he is still a thirteen years old boy hiding his face in a pillow and trying not to think about the reality of what is happening. Deep down he still feels like an ugly pathetic coward, helpless and unworthy. To survive this, he needs to be perfect. A perfect son, a perfect brother, a perfect friend, a perfect cop, a perfect profiler... he worked hard to be all this, and he damn well earned it. He almost convinced himself he is worthy of his family, his friends and his job. But sometimes... sometimes he makes mistakes. And then everything falls apart, his meticulously crafted reality crumbles, leaving chaos in its wake. Morgan is desperately afraid that one day the cracks in his facade will be exposed, revealing his true self to the world, and once they see him for who he really is, no one will ever look at him with affection again. He is so terrified of it, that he is trying not to think about it at all.
Morgan has worked in BAU for far too long now to be able to avoid analysing his own issues. He studied them over and over again, he knows what terrors and biases are hiding within him, he knows why he thinks and feels the way he thinks and feels, and he also knows how wrong it is. It doesn't help. Knowing doesn't always mean fixing. Some things cannot be fixed. You just have to live with them. And so that's what he does. He deliberately distances himself from everyone as much as he can bear. No serious relationships. No heart to heart conversations, if he can avoid it. He knows what he's doing and how to do it, a good psychologist that he is. Serious relationships mean trust. Not the kind of trust he has for his colleagues for the job they are doing. He learned to trust them with his life, and eventually he even learned to trust them with the lives of others. But serious relationships mean a different sort of trust. To entrust somebody his heart, his soul, his whole self - that's not something Morgan is prepared do. He has successfully tricked a whole world for years. Even he himself is trying to ignore the desperately weeping boy in his heart. He is the only one who knows that boy. He, and maybe Carl Bufford. Morgan isn't sure he can survive adding a third to the mix.
Morgan loves Reid. It is hard to miss and stupid to deny. He looks after his younger colleague, he takes care of him, he covers his back, he talks about him with his family. He worries when Reid is in danger or shows up obviously not having slept the night before, with dark circles under his eyes and very little coffee in his sugar. All of this could have counted as normal for their team. After all, they do look after each other quite a lot. But here's what's definitely not normal: the pleasure Morgan finds in Reid's company; the habit of messing with his hair; admiration mixed with a lot of tenderness; the need to see or at least hear Reid each and every day; the strong desire to be with him outside of work; the mind blowing fear to lose him or to see him get hurt... Morgan doesn't believe it's possible for him to have an ordinary life. But if he did, he would have liked to spend it with Reid. He would have loved to cook together and to eat together, to laugh over funny movies and to criticise bad ones, to watch Sci-Fi TV shows and Polish art-house, to drive all the way to Chicago or Las Vegas for a weekend and to fight over music choices, to walk, to shop, to do everything they want to do. Together. He would have loved to hug Spencer and to tell him as many times, as he needs to hear, that he isn't a freak, that he is the most ravishing, kind-hearted, brilliant and lovely human being Morgan knows. That Reid is the best thing that has ever happened to him.
When Morgan realises that his love for Reid isn't the kind of love one feels for a brother or a friend, it scares the hell out of him. Reid cannot know, he must never know, and it isn't easy to hide such a strong feeling from a team of profilers. His only hope is their old agreement not to profile each other, and maybe also the fact that one of very few Reid's weaknesses is his inability to understand what people feel for him. Reid is used to not counting on anyone's affection. Life hit him hard so many times, and it hurts Morgan just to think of it, but it actually gives him a chance of hiding the fact. That he loves Reid. Reid must never know. If he finds out it can only go two ways, and both are dangerous. First way it goes is Reid not loving him back. There will be awkwardness and distance, and of course they both will try to go on as if nothing happened, but Reid will know. And Reid isn't capable of hiding his feelings from those he cares about. The other possibility is that Reid will love him back, and somehow that would be even worse. That would mean Morgan is done for. Morgan can deal with his own feelings, but if there are two of them, they will lose to love for sure. And if they are closer even a bit more than they already are, one day Spencer will undoubtedly discover what Morgan is really like. Derek doesn't know exactly how Reid will react, but he is terrified to find out. He is ashamed of his inner self and pities himself, and he isn't ready to let near him anyone, who can intentionally or unintentionally back him up in those feelings. He knows this is bullshit, he knows Reid wouldn't judge him, he knows it wasn't his fault - for God's sake, he was only a child back then! Of course he knows all of it, or he wouldn't be able to do his job. But this knowledge is nothing compared to the gut feelings: shame, pity, disgust, guilt. He can never feel worthy again.
Morgan detaches himself from Reid slowly, step after little step, he doesn't want anyone to notice. He avoids staying alone with Reid, chooses a solitary chair over a sofa on the plane, and most of the time he stops himself from touching. Reid in the mean time is fighting his drug addiction and doesn't seem to care. Reid is fighting it on his own, because Morgan was too busy dealing with his discovery to pay attention, and when he finally notices how big is Spencer's drugs problem, Reid has already closed up. All they can do now is wait and believe he can get through it, while he fights his demons all alone.
Surprisingly, Reid still trusts him. Morgan makes one mistake after another, he fails Reid again and again, but Reid never stops trusting him. He noticed the distance Morgan put between them, and probably arrived to completely wrong conclusions. He doesn't insist on their friendly little chats, doesn't even approach Derek anymore. But when Reid is in trouble, he still comes to Morgan, as if nothing happened. He calls for Morgan in his nightmares, he tells Morgan what Tobias did to him and what was it like to be him in school. Reid visibly relaxes when he is near Morgan, trusts him to have his back and isn't surprised to find him beside his hospital bed.
Sometimes they have those moments. Moments that don't belong. Moments of some other life, life they cannot have, life in which they spend evenings together and wake up in the same bed. All God damned anthrax case is this kind of moment, starting with Morgan running to the closed glass door and Reid saying "Sorry". "Sorry, I'm probably going to die. You cannot do anything, sorry. I'm sorry, but you are on your own now, Derek". This is what Morgan hears. Nobody apologises like this to a colleague or a friend. Reid doesn't really have anything to apologise for - it was impossible to predict the situation, and he did the best he could, saving Morgan's life on the way. But he says "Sorry", because sometimes you say what you feel, and not what you think. Morgan can't forgive him. If Reid dies… well, he certainly wouldn't forgive that. He is willing to do anything and to sacrifice everything just to get Reid out of trouble, but this is exactly the case where nothing he can do or give away will help. So he manages to listen to Spencer's demands and to get back on the case. As soon as it is closed, he moves in into his hospital room and he doesn't leave until Spencer gets better. It's one of those special moments that don't belong, and he cannot, he is not able to stick to his "stay away from Reid" policy while it lasts.
When they leave the hospital behind, the distance is there again. Morgan in constantly on edge, he is confused more than ever, and he knows now that Reid harbours some complex feelings too. He knows that Reid has questions and that someday he will ask them out loud. After all it was Reid who said "Sorry" with such a look on his face as if he was Spock locked up in the engine room preparing to die and leave his soulmate behind (you can't know Spencer for years and not watch Star Trek at some point). And then again, in the hospital, the way they both reacted to each other wasn't normal at all. Morgan can't stop thinking about it. Their relationship is like a taut spring, drawing them closer and closer only to snap back painfully apart. Spencer must see it too. But he is thoughtful and kind, and he doesn't say anything. He lets Morgan keep the distance he is comfortable with. He even lets it slide when Morgan panics (too close, too confused) and insists that he wouldn't sleep in the same room as Reid. They spend weeks and months like this, but Morgan never finds the courage to answer Reid's unspoken questions. Eventually he just pretends that there wasn't any "Sorry" trapped between them.
Morgan loves Reid, but more often than not he isn't there by Reid's side when Read needs him. It's hard to be there when most of your energy goes into trying to stay away without raising suspicions. It's even harder because of Spencer's don't-bother-don't-pity-me attitude. Reid doesn't push him away, not at all. It's just that now he rarely makes it clear he has problems at all, and when he does, he goes to JJ, or Emily, or Hotch, sometimes to Garcia, and Morgan is sure that a few times even Rossi got involved. "That's ok", thinks Morgan trying not to feel hurt. "That's great actually. Reid has someone he can rely on. We all need it not to break". And then Emily dies. Or so they think, and it blows their team up from the inside, it rips them open, and it rips them apart. Morgan sinks in guilt. He tries to escape reality by burying himself in revenge plans. When he is back - when Emily is back - this is the moment he knows what happened. Reid is no longer with them. It doesn't look like there is a problem: no awkwardness, no accusations, no visible detachment… but Morgan knows, sees, feels that if anything happens, anything at all, Reid wouldn't come for help to any of them. He won't trouble Hotch or Garcia, he'll get around Rossi, he won't tell anything to JJ, he'll try to hide from Emily. And he will surely as hell avoid Morgan with a freshly acquired skill that impresses and hurts Morgan at the same time. It seems that Reid understood and forgave what each of them had done, but to understand and to forgive isn't always enough. Some things cannot be fixed. You have to live with them.
Morgan does try. He really does! He honours his friend's decision, and he knows that it's fair. And maybe it is for the best after all: if Reid doesn't count on him, Morgan cannot fail his trust. And he failed Reid's trust far too many times already… Morgan tries and he manages to stay away, but that doesn't last. When distance is maintained from both sides, everything should be easier, but somehow it's unbelievably hard. Now they don't have those special moments. They don't touch each other, unless it's necessary or accidental. When they meet in an elevator or near a coffee machine, they do small talk or stay silent. After the Angel's case, a case of a pedophile, Morgan keeps noticing worrying glances Reid is throwing his way now and then, but nothing is said out loud. Soon after Morgan returns to his usual peace of mind, the glances stop.
He does try to keep away, but it gets harder every day. It's only now that Morgan realises how much he needs Reid: his trust, his smiles, their silly conversations, their innocent touches and most of all - their special moments. It's like when there isn't enough oxygen in the air. It's enough for surviving but it's still not enough to live, so body goes into sleep mode. There isn't enough Reid in Morgan's air. Morgan can't go on like this, he feels awful in sleep mode because it's where he is face to face with himself. He needs Reid, but he honours his decision, and he isn't going to make his life harder than it is. Not to mention, he is still too scared to make that leap of faith and let someone come near him anyway.
One evening after a long week on a bad Las Vegas case Morgan forgets the keys to his house in the office. He stands in front of his own door and starts remembering how he emptied his pockets searching for a poker chip for Henry, and then got distracted and went home leaving his keys on his desk. It would be easy to spend the night in a hotel, but Clooney is barking impatiently on the other side of the door, and tomorrow is Saturday, so unless an urgent case comes up, he will still need to go to the office to get the keys. With this in mind Morgan turns around, returns to his car and drives back. In an empty badly lit room he finds his keys and Reid, who took this case worse than anyone. Vegas has always been hard on him, but this time it's more evident than ever. It's like someone inserted an invisible poisoned needle in his body, and Reid doesn't even try to take it out anymore.
Reid sleeps in a chair, with his long legs crossed and his hands clasped on his lap. Morgan silently watches him, drinks the view while he can. He notices dark circles under Reid's eyes - a sure sign of the lack of sleep. He notices the defensive posture. The sharp lines of his face. The pink indent from his glasses on the skin of his nose. He doesn't know why Reid decided against going home. Maybe he was too tired for that. Maybe he sleeps better here. Maybe it's a habit - like that time with Gideon, when for a few weeks Reid often stayed in the office, sitting over an unfinished game as if hoping that his chess partner would eventually come back. But that time nobody came. Morgan came today but only for his keys, not for Reid. "Reid is lonely", - Morgan realises suddenly. In the end, despite their family-like team bonds, Reid is desperately, hopelessly alone. Morgan clenches his teeth and breathes slowly and deeply to calm down. He is walking on the tightrope. Reid cannot know, he doesn't deserve this tangled web of revelations and fears on top of his own problems. Morgan wishes he could help him without crossing the boundaries of friendship, but he doesn't think it's possible. He aches to wake the guy up and ask what's happening, to demand to know. To shake it out of him if necessary and to back him up in whatever mess he's gotten himself into. But Reid can't know. Morgan hates himself. He shakes his head, and he is almost out of the room, when Reid starts talking in his sleep. Reid calls, "Morgan," and it's so sudden and so familiar, that a hot wave goes through him as he remembers every time in the past when Reid called for him in his sleep.
"No, Morgan, don't leave," Reid calls out urgently. Derek returns, leans over the chair and shakes the sleeping man, trying to wake him up. Reid instantly opens his eyes, but he remains groggy, his attempts to resist evident as he struggles and mutters, "No, Derek, you have to stay, don't leave." Morgan yields to his instincts. He settles beside Reid, gently restraining him by pulling him closer, ensuring he can't push him away. He says: "It's ok, Reid, I'm here, you are gonna be ok, calm down now". He continues to talk until Reid stops fighting and mumbling. Morgan relaxes his grip a bit, but he doesn't let go, instead continuing to gently pat Reid's back. After so many lonely days and nights they are finally having their special moment once again. Morgan can't convince himself to break the spell. Not today, not after a week in Las Vegas, not after realising how lonely Reid really is. Not after Reid called for him in his nightmare.
Reid is the first to push away. He stares at his colleague's shoulder and asks warily, "Morgan? What are you doing here?"
"Forgot my keys, had to come back," Morgan replies.
Reid hums, closes his eyes, and leans back in the chair. "Sorry. It's been a long week."
"Reid…"
"Did you find your keys?"
Morgan halts and looks at this tired man, who seems to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and he doesn't know what to say to help him or at least not to hurt him. He doesn't work in BAU for nothing, but Reid closed up on him a long time ago. Morgan is scared to do something wrong. Still, he cannot just leave now. Morgan has a strong feeling that by leaving he would betray Reid, and maybe this time he will disappoint him enough to lose whatever's left of his trust, even if Reid himself wouldn't know it. Morgan stays. He says quietly and gently what his friend seems to want to leave alone.
"You called for me in your dream."
Reid tenses.
"Did I?"
"You did. You asked me not to leave. Whatever it is I was doing in your dream, I'm sorry."
"I don't remember that dream," lies Reid. "Anyway, there is no need to apologise, it's ok. Thank you for waking me up."
"That won't do… talk to me, buddy. What's going on with you?"
Reid sighs and doesn't answer. He still refuses to open his eyes, as if it makes their conversation less real, as if it makes Morgan less real. And Morgan doesn't like it, he doesn't like it at all. He gathers up his courage and goes for it.
"Look, I failed you, I get it. I don't have the right to ask for honesty or trust, and you have every reason to keep your problems to yourself. But Reid, please don't punish yourself. If you need something - anything! - I can't promise I will always help, or that I'll always be there, but I promise to do my best. You don't have to deal with this alone, whatever this is."
Reid opens his eyes in the middle of the second sentence and looks puzzled and confused.
"I think you got it wrong," he finally says, "or maybe I got something wrong. What are you talking about, Derek?"
"You are in pain. I want to help." explains Morgan as simple as he can.
Reid looks away and crosses his hands on his chest.
"You don't have to do this, you know. I'll be fine by Monday. But that's not what I asked."
Morgan can hardly keep himself from hiding his face in his hands, and it is even harder to keep from hugging Reid and explaining to him once and for all what he does and doesn't have to do. That's dangerous, but Reid is waiting for an answer and Derek is tired of controlling his every word, so he says, "I'm sorry for running from you. I'm a fucking idiot, and I don't deserve your trust. I was an awful friend to you, but until someone who is worthy appears, please, Reid, talk at least to me. You are not fine. You haven't been fine in a long time now."
"You are running from me," is the only thing Reid says in return, and it sounds more like he is confirming it to himself than actually asking.
"Yeah… I mean, no! Crap… Reid, it's not from you, it's from…"
"…my issues. You don't need to say it. Really. I get it, and it doesn't make you an awful friend. It's ok."
"It's not ok. I know that I deserve this, but if you think that way, nothing is ok. God, Spencer… I'm sorry, you hear me? I am not running from you, and I am not running from your issues or whatever. What I am running from are my own issues and my own fears. I am running so fast I make mistakes on almost every step. Don't argue please, I was a crappy friend to you this last year. But I'm here right now. And I would very much like to help you however I can."
Morgan has to wait for a long time, while Reid is watching him and thinking about this whole mess of an apology. Finally, Reid answers with what Morgan certainly doesn't expect to hear.
"Can I sleep over at your place?" asks Reid. Moments later he is embarrassed and stares at the wall, while clarifying. "You don't have to let me. It would make me feel better, but if that's inconvenient, it's ok, and I mean it."
Morgan isn't sure, whether he should be happy or terrified, but he courageously goes with "happy" and stands up.
"Of course you can."
Reid gives him a shy smile and also rises.
"Keys?"
"Got it."
They don't say another word, until they get into the car.