Chapter Text
After they hit the road, Reid starts talking.
"I feel like I'm fading away."
Morgan glances at him with worry but says nothing and waits for him to continue.
"My mother didn't recognize me this week. That's the third time in a row. Statistically, schizophrenia usually manifests between the ages of twenty-five and forty. I'm already thirty. I don't know how much longer I have. And besides being an FBI agent, I've done nothing in my life that matters. Outside of our job, outside of what we do, who am I, Morgan? If I go crazy, if I disappear, not even my own mother will notice."
Morgan clings to the wheel desperately and thinks that he's an idiot. And that Reid is an idiot too. Looks like they are a perfect match in this regard, at least... Reid is the only one who could have possibly thought of something like this. And the worst thing is, he had all the reasons to do so. He isn't that wrong, emotions aside. Everyone in BAU knows how to forget, or they would all have been broken a long time ago. All of them noticed Elle's resignation and Gideon's disappearance. All of them missed JJ heavily, when she went to Washington. All of them grieved when Emily "died". But each time the world kept on spinning, and if Emily stayed dead, they would have moved on eventually. If Reid disappears, of course, they will notice. Of course, they will miss him. But sooner or later they'll get used to his absence. They will lock the thoughts about him into the darkest corner of their minds, and they will move on. That is with one small but crucial exception.
"I'll notice", says Morgan.
Reid starts to explain what he meant, and how Morgan didn't get it right, but Morgan interrupts him and says it once again, plain and heavy.
"I will notice."
And then he continues without giving Reid a chance to comment on that.
"You won't disappear. Whatever happens, you will not disappear, Spencer. I won't let you."
"If I go crazy…"
"Even if you go crazy."
"Will you visit me in the psych ward?" Reid asks, half joking.
But Morgan surprises even himself by answering seriously, "Nope. I will live with you."
"Ahaha", says Reid, "that was funny. Look, I really appreciate your support, but it's kind of too much."
"That's my house", says Morgan, stopping the car. He doesn't think it's funny. He doesn't know, what exactly he thinks, but it certainly isn't "funny". If only he knew what Reid had on his mind, if only he wasn't so busy with his own issues, if only he looked more carefully… Morgan loves Reid. And since the moment he figured it out, he's been a complete asshole to him. It's a miracle Reid talks to him at all, and not just talks, but tries to be closer. Morgan isn't blind, he's seen it since the beginning, and he was always happy about it, until he made a problem out of it. Looks like Reid sincerely considers Morgan a good friend. That's what the man thinks a good friend is. That's what kind of friends he has.
Clooney greets him with a happy barking for the second time this evening. Reid wisely takes that as a hint to stop a few steps away from the doorstep to give his friend and his friend's dog some time to enjoy the meeting. Morgan opens the door, disables the alarm, and catches the dog, who literally jumps into his arms. A few minutes are devoted entirely to Clooney, and then he finally comes inside, turns on the lights and invites Reid in. Curious, Clooney sniffs the guest and wags his tail in a friendly manner; he is happy at the moment and so his friendliness knows no bounds. He offers his ear to be scratched, and Reid obediently obliges, relaxing and starting to smile without even noticing. Morgan silently praises the heavens and his furry friend before heading to the kitchen to make tea. It's almost midnight already.
When he's back with two cups of chamomile tea, he founds Reid on the carpet in front of the couch with his hands buried in Clooney's fur. Morgan looks at them curiously, and Reid shrugs.
"I thought that maybe he isn't allowed on the couch."
"Oh, he isn't. Not that he lets it stop him when he's by himself. Here, take the tea."
Reid accepts the cup and moves to the couch, paying attention not to spill his hot drink. Morgan sits next to him. He drinks his tea and tries to find the right words. After a few minutes he gives up and simply says it.
"I meant every word, you know. You won't disappear. You exist outside of work, Reid. You sure as hell do exist."
"You can't know it," quietly answers Reid. "You don't know me outside of work."
"You sure about that?"
Reid turns his cup in his nervous fingers again and again and doesn't say anything. Morgan once again wonders, how did he (all of them, actually, but most of all him) miss it, and what can he do about it now.
"Listen, Reid… Spencer… you're perfectly aware I'm familiar with a lot about you, that has nothing to do with work. And I also understand that's not what you meant. But you have to trust me on this, buddy. I know you. Not a colleague, not the brilliant Dr. Reid, but you. If you leave the team, I would miss you. I would miss you like crazy. Not just your knowledge, or your ability to piece together a picture from seemingly unrelated facts, though I would miss those too, and not just the jokes and stories you tell. You. Like I missed you for the last couple of months."
"What do you mean?"
"Yeah, I missed you, and I don't think I am the only one. You are here physically, but it feels like you are thousands miles away."
"You never said anything…"
"Well, I'm saying it now. I thought you needed some time alone, that it would be good for you. But looks like I screwed up again, didn't I?"
Reid casts a glance around the room, and purses his lips, and when he answers, he is annoyed and almost angry.
"I don't need your pity. It doesn't affect my job, so you don't have to try and fix me."
Morgan shakes his head and places his cup on the table.
"Spencer, look at me."
It doesn't happen right away, but eventually Reid manages to do it. Large pupils, dark circles on a pale skin, stubbornly pursed lips… he is still on the verge of a breakdown. He is just so afraid to believe in what he hears. "My trust keeps getting thrown back in my face," Morgan remembers one of their conversations from a long time ago. "I never told anyone," he recalls another one. And then, "Sorry". You have to offer trust to get some in return.
"I love you."
Reid looks stunned and Morgan holds his breath while he's waiting for his genius boy with an eidetic memory to put together all the small details, all their special moments, all the words left unsaid. Reid doesn't fail him. He places his cup on the table and grabs his head. He asks in a perfectly flat voice, "And when exactly were you planning on telling me?"
"Never. I wasn't going to tell you at all."
"Why? No, that's not it… why now?"
"Really, that's your question?"
Reid remains quiet and Morgan is forced to answer.
"Because it looks like you are doing even worse by yourself, than I thought you would do with me telling you. Because I can't watch you killing yourself and do nothing 'cause of my fear of consequences. I don't expect you to return my feelings, that has nothing to do with it, please try to understand this. It's just that if you disappear, I will notice. It's selfish, but I need you in my life, Spencer. No matter what. And I did miss you, you have no idea…"
Reid sighs, and drops his hands on his lap, and meets Derek's eyes once again.
"I think I understand what you mean, actually. But I don't know what else to say. Sorry."
"Don't you apologise", says Morgan. "Do you trust what I said earlier now?"
"Yeah", Reid answers with a faint smile, "it makes sense now. Lots of things do. Except why do you need it at all. I'm a big mess, Derek. You were absolutely right to avoid me."
"I was an idiot, and now you are trying to be one. Stop that."
"But it's true! You've chosen the worst possible person to fall in love with! A person who is a drug addict and a potential schizophrenic with a lot of unrelated psych issues, regular nightmares, high level of social awkwardness and some really strange hobbies. I've got nothing to offer."
"You don't have to offer anything," explains Morgan as gently as he can. "I love you. That is with all of your issues and hobbies. It's how it works, ok? You don't have to do a thing, just know that if you need something - anything! - I'm always here for you. Now that you know about my feelings, I won't run and hide anymore. I won't leave you alone. Unless you ask me to, and even then I'll try to fight you on that first... How are you?"
"I honestly don't know," says Reid after a bit, "is it ok, if I answer this question tomorrow?"
Morgan nods, and gets up, and goes to grab a pillow, and a towel, and a few blankets. It has been a long time since anybody but himself spent a night in this house, if that ever happened at all. "It's nice that the couch is big," thinks Morgan. "It's nice that Clooney likes Reid. It's nice that Reid has his overnight bag with him. And it's really nice he didn't run away after my confession".
"The bathroom is next to the kitchen. If you wake up first, don't be shy and make yourself at home. Oh, and Clooney sometimes goes outside at night, don't let him worry you."
Reid nods and looks at him with an unreadable expression on his face.
"I'll be in the room next to you, wake me up if you need anything."
"Derek… thank you."
"Good night, Spencer."
"Good night."
Morgan struggles to fall asleep for the next two hours. He listens to the silence, filled only with the sounds of Clooney's steps in the next room and the leaves whispering outside. He tries to analyze the situation he's gotten them into. He spent years staying away from Reid, and the reasons for doing so still linger. The most important thing right now is to help Reid, and he wouldn't be able to do that if he stayed away. But that doesn't mean he's not scared. Not that he can show it. It's crucial to appear as confident as possible in what he says and does. Well, the good thing is that he is absolutely confident about what he said today, and he hopes it will be enough, because he has no idea what to do next. He can only go with the flow and hope that Spencer will take the risk of trusting him with his troubles. That it will help.
When he wakes up, the sun is shining brightly. It's already ten, and it's suspiciously quiet in the house. Usually at this time, Clooney already waits for him by the door and scratches the floor as if saying, 'Come on, since you are here, let's play.' Morgan yawns and climbs out of bed. In the living room, he sees an utterly adorable picture. Reid is sleeping, his face buried in a pillow, and the palm of his hand rests exactly on Clooney's back, because guess who is lying in front of the couch. The dog lifts his head and looks at Morgan questioningly, obviously trying to decide whether he should stay down for a bit longer or go welcome his master. In the end, he leaves his place and slowly moves to Morgan, who hums and bends over to pet him. Reid continues to sleep. He sleeps while Morgan is taking a shower (Clooney eats his breakfast). He sleeps while Morgan is eating his breakfast (Clooney snorts impatiently). He sleeps while Morgan is cleaning up Clooney's self-walkings' results from the four days he's been away (Clooney plays with the ball and barks at birds happily). And only after the dog bursts into the house (Morgan did try to stop him, but he failed), Reid opens his eyes and stretches sleepily.
"Good morning?" Morgan can't help smiling.
"Morning. What exactly did you put into my tea?" asks Reid suspiciously, while looking at his watch, and sits up.
"Nothing Garcia wouldn't approve of."
"Somehow that doesn't sound reassuring. But if your tea always has this effect, you must tell me the secret. I don't remember the last time I slept longer than five hours in a row," smiles Reid.
"I'm glad it did you good, pretty boy," Morgan laughs, and only afterwards does he realize that he just called Reid by that nickname. It's nothing special; he's used it on him dozens of times, and it's not untrue. Spencer is exquisitely smart, and at times, surreally beautiful. But he is also simply pretty, especially now - after a good sleep, relaxed and smiling. However, in the context of their conversation last evening, the last thing Morgan wants is to add to the awkwardness. It's far from normal as it is.
Reid, however, just raises his brow skeptically, makes a non-committal noise and lets it slide.
"Can I use your shower?"
"Sure. And I'll find you something to eat. Do you still have a change of clothes with you?"
Reid thinks for a second about what he has in his overnight bag and then nods.
"Yes, I do. I'll be back soon."
Fifteen minutes later - soon enough - Reid walks into the kitchen, barefoot, his hair still wet. Clooney is outside, and Morgan sits at the table and stares at the box of cereal and a bottle of milk. Reid settles down on a chair across from him.
"The fridge is empty," complains Morgan, trying not to look at the water drop finding its way down his guest's neck and under the shirt. "It's a miracle I still have some milk left. I'd say that usually I'm a better host, but usually I don't have guests over for breakfast, so I can't really compare.
Reid in the meantime fixes himself a bowl of cereal and milk.
"Well, actually it is a normal breakfast. Forty nine percent of Americans start their day with cereal. It's sold more often than cigarettes, though milk is sold even more often. Also most of the cereal is unhealthy, but if you choose the wholegrain ones, you can actually reduce the risk of diabetes and heart decease."
"I'm afraid these are the unhealthy ones."
"For us it doesn't matter anyway," answers Reid seriously. "Cereal can't make it worse with the amount of coffee we drink. Speaking of coffee…"
"No coffee in my house. Tea?"
"Yes, please. Will it make me sleepy again?"
"Not this one. You do know about Hibiscus tea, right?"
"It's a national drink in Egypt, Sudan, countries of Latin America and few other places. It's red, it is made of the Hibiscus sabdariffa flower, contains lots of vitamins and minerals, proved to reduce systolic blood pressure and to strengthen the immune system in general. And it's not really a tea, which is a common misconception, it's a herbal drink made of..."
Reid stumbles in his recital of (no doubt) some wikipedia page when he hears Morgan chuckling.
"Yes, I do know about it. Sorry for talking so much."
"Hmm? You never apologised for that before," notes Morgan while setting a jug to boil.
"I was never at your place before," answers Reid, "and it makes me nervous."
Morgan turns around and looks at him. And then he asks, trying not to sound intrusive.
"Is it because of the place, or because of what I said yesterday? I won't take it back, but if it makes you uncomfortable…"
"That's not it," interrupts Reid, "I mean, that matters too, but 'uncomfortable' is the wrong word. 'Unusual' would be a better choice. It's because you let me in. Into your house, into your life, you know… and I don't want to be a hippopotamus."
"Excuse me?"
"A hippopotamus in an antiques' store, just imagine that. And also... I don't have any experience in this… this thing. No one ever told me that…" he halts for a few seconds, takes a deep breath and starts again, "no one ever said he is in love with me. Not really. I don't know how to react, what are right and wrong things to do and ask, and how do I avoid hurting you… I don't even know myself yet, what I feel. Because I care for you, Derek, I care for you a lot, and you know it, but… I'm not used to having you around again. And I'm afraid that I'm confusing the joy of having you here again with something bigger."
The awkward silence is shattered by the click of the jug. Morgan silently prepares tea, places a cup in front of his guest, and takes a seat across the table.
"Look… all I want is to help you, not to add problems to your list. Don't try to guess the right thing, just be yourself, ok? Ask what you want, do what you want. And if anything in my actions or words makes you uncomfortable, say it. I'm serious, Spencer. It wouldn't hurt me, but if I upset you and you don't tell me to stop, I might end up upsetting you even more – now that would definitely hurt me. So you just be yourself. What's on your mind right now?"
For the next eight seconds Reid plays with his cup, and thinks, and then he meets Derek's eyes.
"Few things, actually. First of all, I think that I'm glad you forgot your keys yesterday. Second, I'm trying to figure out who takes care of Clooney when you are not here, because it can't be neighbours, or you would have just taken the spare key from them. And also I'm not sure what did I do to deserve you, but since it happened, I'll try to be honest with both of us. I need to go home, but I would like to return and spend one more night here, if that's ok with you. The thing is, I can't sleep very well these last few months, and it's the worst when I'm at home. Even hotels, when we are on a case, are better. And this night… I don't think it was the tea that helped me. I feel safe with you. So if that's not too intrusive…"
"My couch is your couch", says Morgan solemnly. He decides to analyze what Reid just said at a later time. "You can stay as long as you want. I promise to be a decent host and that I won't try to take advantage of the situation and woe you. Oh, and I'll get some food so we won't have to continue on the cereal only diet."
"I could buy some food on my way back,"suggests Reid.
"Then I'll leave it to you. And about Clooney… he is his own dog, a true child of the new century. Come on, let me show you."
Morgan proudly demonstrates an automatic dog feeder and the drinking fountain that are set up near the door leading to the back yard. The door itself has a dog flap in it with a magnetic lock reacting to Clooney's collar. A fence around the yard finishes the picture.
"He walks himself, he feeds himself. As you can see, he doesn't really need me aside from wanting a play pal."
"That's great." Reid seems to be sincerely amazed by the gadgets. "And that means he really - really! - loves you not because you feed him, but because it's you. I mean he would have loved you for you anyway, but you have proven it empirically."
"Yeah, that crossed my mind once or twice."
"Great", Reid says again, "can I hug you?"
He waits for Morgan to nod, and then he awkwardly hugs him, his touch - almost too light to notice. Morgan sighs and pulls him closer for a few seconds, pressing his face to Reid's wet hair. Morgan lets Reid go the moment he starts pushing away.
"What was that for?"
"That was an impulse. I'm trying to use your advice and be myself without thinking about rights and wrongs."
"I like it," Morgan says. "I really like your impulses. Please do continue. I have a lot of good advice to share."
Reid chuckles and returns to the kitchen for the tea cup he left there earlier.
With his cup in hand he slowly walks around the room, studying furniture, books on the shelves, sport awards… eventually he stops in front of a few photos, where Morgan is captured in the company of his friends, colleagues and family. Reid has never met most of those people, but Morgan is sure he can guess who they are, recognise them from what he already knows of Derek's life. Their team is also here, pictures taken at different moments with different team members. There is Elle, and gloomy for whatever reason Gideon, and happy Hotch - that last picture taken in the year of Jack's birth. There is also a picture of Garcia with her perpetually crazy hairstyle smiling next to Derek. There are pictures of JJ, Emily and Reid, and all of them are more than three years old. The latest one has smiling Rossi and tired Hotch, who looks over his shoulder to whoever is taking the picture. None of the photos capture Morgan as a child.
Morgan silently watches him from the couch. They agreed not to analyze each other, but they broke that promise so many times already, each of them… Morgan knows what information about him Reid can get out of his house, his yard, the thickness of the dust layer on the photos. It's nothing Reid doesn't already know. And it's nothing he couldn't have asked, if he wanted to. Reid finishes his tea, and it's only then that he breaks the silence.
"It's been seven years."
Morgan reflects on it for a few seconds before answering quietly, more to confirm it to himself than anything else.
"Yeah."
"I wonder what would it be like in another seven years."
Morgan makes a non-committal sound and shrugs. He doesn't like trying to predict the future. Predictions are rarely accurate in their line of work. His only hope is that all of them would still be alive and more or less healthy, and if they would still work together as a team - that's really more than he dares to count on.
Reid goes home, but he's back come evening with some food and a few movies. They don't touch on any other serious topics that day, giving themselves some time to adjust. On Sunday Reid leaves for his own apartment, and the next time they meet each other is at work.
Life goes on, subtly shifting in almost imperceptible details. Reid smiles more and frowns because of the migraines less, and he stops drinking so much coffee. Morgan stops working late into the night for no reason and keeps closer to Reid. They argue about some bollocks in an elevator and throw friendly jokes at each other now and then. More and more often as time goes on Reid stops Morgan by the exit on their way home and asks him always the same question: "Is your couch available tonight?" The couch is always available, but Reid asks anyway, and Morgan never says "No". Sometimes they switch their roles, and it is Morgan who says something like "Clooney misses you", or "hey, I got this movie", or a straightforward "come tonight". Reid also never says "No". He knows the alarm code, he has a spare key for Morgan's door, his toothbrush found its place in Morgan's bathroom long time ago, and Clooney really got used to him, and none of them knows when all of this started being normal. But what they don't talk about anymore is love.
They both have nightmares. It's different each time it happens. Sometimes, Reid screams, and Morgan wakes him up and stays with him until he calms down. Sometimes, Reid goes outside right after he wakes up, and he sits on the porch by himself, while Morgan curls up in his bed and wishes it was his turn, because Spencer certainly doesn't deserve any of that. When Morgan is the one having nightmares, most of the time he is quiet, and Reid doesn't notice. In his dream Morgan knows he must be quiet, he must be a good boy. Sometimes, when the dream finally sets him free he goes to the living room and sits there on the floor listening to the sounds of Reid's breaths and remembering that he has a different life now, that past is only a past. Other times - when the nightmares are caused by the job - Reid shakes him awake. In the darkness he seems unreal, but his weight on Derek's shoulders is the most real thing in the world. They never tell each other that everything will be fine. Instead, they repeat, as if casting a spell, 'I'm here,' over and over again - and somehow, it works."
One night Morgan wakes Reid up from yet another nightmare, and Reid clings to his arm and refuses to let go. Morgan lowers himself to the edge of the couch and begins to pet Reid's hair - that always helps to calm him down. Reid looks at him with his eyes dark, pupils dilated, and then he raises himself up and pulls Morgan closer, and he presses his lips over Morgan's. Morgan is paralized for a few seconds, caught by the surprise and delight of it, but as soon as he syncs up with reality, he grabs Reid, and he kisses him with a need that scares the hell out of him. Reid, however, doesn't look scared at all, he reciprocates with the same level of need and enthusiasm, and when they stop to catch a breath, no one has any questions, and no one hesitates. They both look at each other dazedly and dive in for another kiss. Another piece of the puzzle they've been trying to solve for so many years clicks into place.
Morgan, despite what anybody might think, doesn't do experiments in bed, and he has only had sex with women before. He is far from being homophobic, but that's just how it is. In the end, it doesn't really matter, because it's Reid, and with Reid it's different from anything he could have had or done earlier. It's like a first time for everything. First kiss, first time skin to skin, first time they have sex… they don't hurry, they listen carefully to each other, they try desperately not to hurt each other. And they succeed.
Reid, despite what anybody might think, isn't shy in bed. At least, not in bed with Morgan. Maybe he thinks that his potential lack of sexual appeal can't matter more than his lack of social skills or imperfections of his personality. Maybe he is used to being made fun of. Maybe he just doesn't know that when you are in bed with a new partner it's normal to be shy and to worry about making a good impression. Whatever the reason, Derek is glad that Spencer doesn't close up on him even here. It helps him not to listen to his inner voice, that tells him again and again that he would certainly screw it up, he would make everything go wrong and then… Reid makes everything feel like the first time. Past can't touch what they have.
Initially, Reid tries to slip away to the couch when they finish. He is made of elbows, ribs and knees, and he doesn't want to punch or poke Morgan in his sleep, leading to well deserved hate in the morning. At least that's what Reid says, and he looks pretty serious about it too. Morgan lets him go the first time out of sheer surprise, and the next time he falls asleep before he can argue… but the third time he rolls his eyes and tells him to stop being an idiot and to come back. Reid scrupulously repeats his speech, making a point that he did warn him, but he does go back to bed after all. Morgan hugs him with all of his knees and elbows, makes them both comfortable and kisses Reid's shoulder. As expected, that makes the genius go silent. But when Derek is almost asleep, Reid suddenly says, "I think I love you."
"Hmm?" Morgan comments it before he can realise what exactly he just heard.
"I definitely love you," repeats Reid, obviously taking it as a sign of approval. "My emotional state has been stabilised for a long time now, and I also checked everything a few times to be sure. This is not a simple need of being close to anyone, this is not a fan-like love for an idol and, as we both know, my feelings are not purely platonic. Therefore, my conclusions."
Morgan, who by this point is as awake as he can ever be, is torn between a few possible reactions. He can panic, because now it's official and he has no way out, and that's exactly what he was afraid of for so many years. He can laugh, because honestly, Reid is absolutely adorable with his analysis in a situation like this. And he can kiss him, because this is suddenly one of the best and the happiest moments in his life. He goes with the option number three. When he pulls away after a long tender kiss, Reid keeps holding his face in his hands. Reid looks at him as if searching for something, and then he says as heavily as if at least the fate of the world is at stake, "I love you, Derek."
"And I love you," says Morgan back with the same serious attitude.
Reid smiles happily. For a few seconds Morgan is trying to remember, what did he run from all these years, and then he lets it go. Looks like while he was saving Reid, Reid somehow managed to save him. Morgan hugs his lover tight and goes to sleep, peaceful and happy. They won't disappear.