Chapter Text
Christmas creeps up on Tess.
The months have slipped through her fingers since she and Joel had been married in Tommy and Maria’s backyard, and it doesn’t truly feel like December, despite the snow on the ground that crunches under her feet. It’s been a long day; she’d spent the morning canning with some of the women, and then the afternoon working the counter at the bar for Nate, who was ill. She’s bone-tired and not in the mood to fight with Joel, though she knows they likely will.
It's all they did these days- fight, or fuck.
Tess toes out of her boots once the door is shut behind her; hangs her coat up with her scarf and hat, mittens shoved deep in her pockets. The house is freezing, which tells her that Joel isn’t home yet to keep the fire going, and a kernel of relief blossoms in her belly.
She hauls a few pieces of firewood in from outside and sets them up in a tripod in the fireplace; puts some kindling in and lights it with a match, and feels a flicker of relief when it catches easily. Warmth begins to billow out, and Tess sets about making herself something to eat in the kitchen, scrunching her feet in the thick socks Maria had gifted her a few weeks back.
She’s got broth simmering on the stove, vegetables chopped and bear meat cubed on the cutting board, when the door opens. Joel steps into the house, snow dusting his hair, and Tess’s belly tightens in response- he stomps off the excess snow from his boots on the mat, and hangs his coat on the rack before he kicks off his boots.
“Need help?” he asks, and Tess nearly arches an eyebrow in surprise, but manages to keep a straight face.
“No, I’m all set. I just need to get this all in the pot and let it cook. Should be ready in an hour,” she answers, and Joel nods before he disappears upstairs.
Tess leaves the stew on low and heads up the stairs after him, eager to get out of her jeans and into the soft pajama pants she’d spent all afternoon thinking about. She’s undoing the buttons of her shirt as she walks down the hall when she nearly bumps into Joel; his hands clutch her shoulders, keeping them upright.
“Sorry,” she apologizes, a little breathless, and Joel just dips his head, sidestepping her and continuing on his way back downstairs. Tess glares at his back, frustrated, and quickly changes into her flannel pajama pants and thick knit sweater.
It isn’t until she’s spooning the soup into bowls a little while later, Joel whittling something with his knife on the couch, that she even realizes it’s Christmas Eve.
“Do you even know what day it is?” she asks as they sit at the table; Joel looks up, eyebrows furrowing, and Tess’s lips press together. “It’s Christmas.”
Joel’s frown deepens, and Tess spears a bit of bear meat angrily.
“If you’re so- so miserable,” she gets out, annoyance in her tone, and Joel blinks. “That you don’t even know what day it is, maybe we should just- go to the council.”
Joel’s eyes widen, and Tess swallows hard, wishing she wasn’t so affected.
“You- you can barely even look at me anymore, Joel,” she continues, and then the words are pouring out of her like water from a cracked foundation. “You can fuck me, sure, but you don’t talk to me. We sleep in the same bed but don’t share anything. We fight over- over everything, these days. It feels like you barely even tolerate me, let alone like me.”
Tess rubs at her face, furious at the traitorous tears that burn at the corners of her eyes.
“We did this to try to save each other,” she whispers, a touch of desperation in her voice. “But it feels more like we’re ruining each other, Joel.”
She clears her throat, and picks at her food, suddenly no longer hungry.
“Maybe we should just- ask for new matches,” she finishes softly, eyes on her soup. “Just admit this can never work between us.”
The silence between them hangs heavy, their breathing sharp and harsh in the dim dining room light.
_
Tess goes to bed alone that night, cold and miserable.
It’s somewhere after midnight and she’s shivering under the sheets, even with an extra blanket, when the bed finally dips with Joel’s weight as he joins her. For the first time in a long time, though, he didn’t turn his back to her- he dropped an arm around her waist and pulled her closer to him, his lips pressing to the back of her neck.
“Don’t want anyone but you,” his voice is harsh, but genuine, and Tess shivers at the ferocity of it against the shell of her ear. “It’s…it’s you, Tessa. That’s it.”
Tess grapples for Joel’s hand; grips it between her breasts until she can lift it to her lips, kissing his fingertips harshly.
“Can’t let you go,” Joel’s voice breaks as he kisses the side of her neck, beard scratching her skin. “I can’t, darlin’.”
A tear slips down Tess’s cheek, and she buries the sob in the back of her throat.