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It was the middle of the night when he felt a sudden movement that woke him up. It took him a couple of seconds to remember where he was. Olivia's house, his bed. He had arrived a few days ago from his undercover assignment and they had barely spoken, but he had shown up at her apartment last night after an invitation from her. It was perfect and, as he was about to leave, Liv's voice held him back. They talked, but not about the past, about feelings over these past few months and what they wanted for the future. They kissed and after that, they didn't stop.
Now he was in the middle of the night in his bed, awake and the same movement from before happened again. He turned to look at Liv and then he knew. He was having a nightmare. Her eyes were tightly closed, as if opening them was the greatest threat in the world. Her breathing had quickened and her muscles had tensed. He didn't know what she was dreaming about, but he had seen the scars and, although he hadn't asked her about it, he sensed that it was probably about that.
He stroked her arm, seeking to wake her, but when he saw her reaction he stopped. She had started to move quickly, whispering repeatedly not to touch her, to stop and a lump in his throat made him pull away from her, giving her space. What had to happen? The scars, the nightmares, her fear... And he hadn't been there at any time because he had run away to Europe. Now he couldn't think about it, he had to think about Olivia.
-Wake up, you're safe. Liv, Liv, it's me, Elliot, wake up.
-No, no... How do you know his name? You're not him, you're not him," she began to whisper, and though it took him a while, he managed to understand her.
-Liv, honey, wake up," he whispered again and he couldn't help it, he touched her again.
A sudden movement made him freeze. Olivia had sat up at the same time he woke up. The fear in her eyes made him swallow. he'd never seen anything like this before, not in any of the cases they'd shared or where a gun was pointed at her, ever.
-It was just a bad dream, it's over, you're safe, you're safe. -He repeated softly.
Olivia turned quickly and went into alert mode, she watched his eyes. Fear, fear and then recognition. A sigh of relief came from deep inside her and then, embarrassment. He averted his gaze.
-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.
-It's okay, it's all right.
-No... it's not. -She spoke defensively.
-Liv," he whispered, trying to keep her from shutting him out. Olivia denied and got out of bed.
-No, it's not okay. I don't know why I thought...god, I'm so stupid.....
-Liv, you're not stupid, it's all right.
-No, Elliot, it's not okay! I don't know why I thought I wouldn't have nightmares. I always have them, but of course, last night was so good and I didn't want you to leave and I thought... god, I was so stupid for thinking that if you were here I wouldn't have them....
-Do you always have nightmares? -he couldn't help but ask.
-It's been ten years and he's still in my nightmares. I control them, it's okay... -she turned to stare at him- I think you should go, Elliot.
-No
-How?" she asked, indignant at his refusal.
-You had a nightmare, you were telling me to stop, not to touch you, and now you're upset because I saw you having a nightmare. You know I had them, I don't care if you do.
-I...
-Olivia, is it because you don't want to tell me what they're about? It's okay, it's okay. You said ten years, I wasn't there. I've seen the scars. Something bad happened to you and I'm punishing myself for not being there, but I understand if you don't want to tell me, I have no right to ask you to answer anything.
-Elliot...
-But I'm not going to leave when you're so upset. What do you do when you have a nightmare? Can I help you with anything? I used to give my kids ice cream, my sports worked for me. What do you need, Olivia? -He asked softly but very sure of what he was saying.
-If Noah's not home I'll take a bath, otherwise I'll get to the paperwork," she whispered after a few seconds of silence, when she realized he wasn't going to back down.
-Okay, why don't you go drink some water while I make you a bath and then I'll wait for you in case you need anything? -he asked, grateful that Noah wasn't there to hear them and that she could relax and not get busy.
-You don't have to do that.
-I know, Liv, but I want to, okay? -He walked over to where she was and looked at her, smiled, "Can I give you a hug?
-Yes
As soon as he had the answer, Elliot hugged him tightly and put his arms around him. He hoped to convey security and reassurance, the same emotions he always gave her when he hugged her in other circumstances.
-I'll tell you," she whispered still in his arms.
-You don't have to," he assured her, though inside he was dying to know.
-And I won't now, but I want to... If... if we want this to move forward you must know what happened to me.
-It's okay," he assured her and kissed her forehead, "now go get a drink of water while I run your bath and then you can relax, okay?
-I didn't want our first night together to be like this," she admitted.
-Like this? I think it was perfect, and if you're worried about it, this didn't ruin it. You could never do or say anything to ruin it. Now go, go on, you need it.
-Thank you," she smiled and kissed him gently on the lips before leaving for the kitchen.
Elliot meanwhile, as he had told Olivia, went to run her a bath. He had done that a lot throughout his life. For his sisters, for Kathy, for his children, for his grandchildren... Also for himself. It didn't take too long and when he came out of the bath there was Liv.
-Don't worry about me, take as long as you need," she said with a smile and then let him into the bathroom.
-Thank you, I... no one has ever done this for me before," she admitted and that surprised him. he knew she'd had sex over the years, so none of her boyfriends had ever run her a bath?
-No one? -he asked almost as if he couldn't believe her.
-No one took care of me like you did," she said with a sad smile and then went into the bathroom.
Elliot went back to bed, but he didn't fall asleep, he stayed there, keeping an eye out in case Liv needed anything. He kept thinking about why no one had warned her when something serious had definitely happened to Olivia. Did they think maybe he wouldn't come? Hadn't they managed to track him down? She didn't want him to be there? That last thought made him swallow his saliva. He had hurt her so much, and while she thought she would be happy this way, that she had thrived and even managed to become a mother without him by her side, she didn't think something might have happened to her that she needed him for.
She remembered the whispered words amidst the fear of the nightmare. You're not him, you're not him, you're not him, why would she think it was him, what would they be saying to her, what would they be saying to her? Without realizing it, he began to hyperventilate. He was short of breath. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to look. It was Olivia. When had she left the bathroom? How long had she been lost in thought?
-I'm fine, Elliot. It's just nightmares, I'm fine, really," she admitted and lay down next to him, hugging him.
-You kept saying it wasn't me in there," he whispered, quickly feeling guilty because it shouldn't be about him.
-It was just the nightmare. I'll tell you another time, really. Why don't we try to go to sleep now? I have to pick Noah up from Amanda's tomorrow, I promised him breakfast. Would you like to join us?
-Really? -he asked, perking up a bit. He'd met Noah twice, that one on Mother's Day and then when he'd picked her up from that family's house.
-Really.
Elliot nodded and hugged Olivia a little tighter. They both relaxed in each other's arms quickly, and although it was usually difficult for each of them to fall back asleep after a hard nightmare, they managed it fairly easily.