Archive of Our Own

Eli Stabler was angry. He didn't understand why he had to spend the night at Olivia's house. He barely knew her, she had arrived after his mother's death and everyone seemed to love her. He wanted to yell at everyone. To her father, to her sisters, to her brother, to her grandmother. He wanted to scream at the world because he had gone crazy. Eli wanted to go back in time, where he was happy in Italy, with his friends and with his parents, but yet he was at Olivia's house.

-Sorry, I don't have anything ready for dinner. Noah is sleeping over with friends. We can order whatever you want for dinner. What would you like?

Eli looked at Olivia. She had been nice to him even when she thought he had killed a person. He wanted to be rude but something kept him from doing so. Maybe Kathleen's words about how she had helped when she found out he had bipolar disorder, maybe the way she seemed to have calmed his father down when he was with the psychologist, maybe the way his grandmother smiled every time she was mentioned. He wanted to hate her for the way Elliot told her he loved her at the intervention, but the amazement on Olivia's face and how she worried about all of them and not her made him not act badly toward her. Or, perhaps, it was simply Maureen's story of how she had been born and how Olivia saved her mother and him.

-Pizza? -he answered with a question, the first thing that popped into his head.

Olivia didn't hesitate, nodded and ordered Elliot's favorite. She hated her father for having to work, her grandmother for not being able to be alone and her siblings for having an adult life and not being able to stay with him at the last minute. But he couldn't hate Olivia, who on her night off, without her son, had to put up with another.

-I'm sorry you have to burden me.

-Eli, you're not a burden. You're always welcome, you and your brothers.

-Why? -he asked a little defensively, but more curious than anything else.

-I..." he took a few seconds to identify, "you were for a long time the only family I had. I promised to do everything I could for your family. I promised to always protect you when you were born. None of this has changed.

-They never talked about you," Eli confessed. Olivia lowered her eyes, as if she couldn't handle that statement. "My brothers have told me stories."

-I hope nothing bad," she tried to joke, though it obviously didn't come out the way she wanted it to.

-They love you. All of them. -So you don't mind if I sleep over? I won't bother Noah's father?

That seemed to get Olivia's attention, who looked up and was gently analyzing him. Then, when she discovered what he seemed to be looking for, she sighed and denied.

-Noah doesn't have a father, it's just me and him. He's adopted.

-Oh," was all he could say.

-I thought your father would have told you.

-I don't think he knows," she whispers.

The sound of the door interrupted the rest of the conversation. It was dinner. Olivia thanked the delivery man and they ate dinner in silence, each lost in thought. Afterwards, Olivia told him he could sleep in Noah's room and went to bed. There were so many things he didn't know about Olivia but didn't know how to ask, it scared him. Part of Eli thought that if he befriended her he would betray his mother's memory, but on the other hand he knew that thought was foolish.

As she entered Noah's room she was surprised. There were posters of dance and musicals he didn't know, also of some games he also played and lots of pictures. He assumed they were his friends and family. He saw a picture of a celebration of Olivia's, where everyone had police uniforms except Noah. Wouldn't he have more family besides them? She saw pictures with two men and wondered who they would be. In one they were in Paris with the effiel tower in the background and in another they were wearing baseball caps. He looked much smaller than in some of his other pictures. He went to lie down on the bed and found a stuffed elephant on top of it. Even though he was old enough for stuffed animals he couldn't help but pick it up and hug it.

He didn't know how long he had been lying in bed, unable to sleep, when he heard a scream. He quickly got out of bed and, when he left the room, he heard it again. It was a scream, this time sharper, screaming for him to stop. It was coming from Olivia's door. Immediately a shiver ran through her body. Was she also having nightmares like her father?

Eli couldn't help himself and entered the room, slowly. He was surprised when he saw Olivia screaming for him to stop over and over again, moving desperately around the bed. One detail caught his attention though, she wasn't moving her hands, like she was handcuffed or something. He felt a lump in his throat and, from where he stood, he shouted her name.

Olivia woke up and took a few seconds to get her bearings. She sighed in relief when she realized she was at home and then her face showed embarrassment when she saw that he was standing in the doorway, staring at her.

-Did you hear me? I'm so sorry, Eli, I never meant to wake you," she whispered.

-Don't worry, I couldn't sleep, so you didn't wake me.

-Are you okay? Are you comfortable? Why can't you sleep? -He asked right away and Eli could only think of how she worried about him when she had just woken up from a nightmare.

-I didn't know you had nightmares too," he whispered, ignoring her questions.

-I..." he sighed, "I haven't had them in a long time, but I've had recurring nightmares for almost a decade.

-You were shouting for me to stop...'

-Eli... I can't talk about this, especially not when I've just had a nightmare," she told him calmly, but she knew she didn't feel that way at any time.

-Does Dad know?

-I'm... I'm not sure he knows what happened to me, really. Your father and I... we haven't really talked about all these years he wasn't here.

-But it must have been something bad if you're still having nightmares," he whispered more to himself than to her, but when she didn't contradict him he knew he was right.

-Don't worry about me, Eli. I'm fine. I can handle it.

-How?" he asked interested, more in case he could help Elliot than for her.

-Therapy, lots of therapy. I'm still going. There's nothing wrong with going if you need help. The world is... complicated a lot of times and asking for help doesn't make you less of a person, it makes you braver. Asking for help is a really hard thing to do.

-Do you think Dad could go to therapy?

-Elliot is... complicated, he never really liked therapy when we were partners, but... I really hope so, he could use it. Even you, Eli. Everything that's happened this year has been hard on anyone and you're just a kid.

-I think... I think it might be a good idea.

-I'm so glad. And now try to get some sleep, I'm sure it's still late and Kathleen will be here tomorrow for breakfast and to pick you up.

-Will she stay for breakfast? -he asked in surprise.

-Yes," he insisted, and I couldn't refuse. He'll bring donuts, I think.

They both finished talking and then Eli went back to Olivia's son's room for the rest of the night. It took him a long time to fall asleep, wondering what must have happened to the woman who had been so good to him to give him nightmares almost a decade later. He couldn't help himself, he picked up the phone, curiosity coursing through his body and typed in her name and 10 years ago and, at the first news and images that came up he had to take it down. Olivia's bloodied face, with the vacant stare and the headline "The Beast holds Detective Benson for the fourth day" running through his mind. Someone in her family had to know, didn't they. If it was so important to her family they should know something like this happened to her. Why didn't Olivia know if her father knew? Didn't they go to see her after it happened? She barely remembered anything from ten years ago, still being someone very young, but she hoped they would have been by her side. Olivia was here when it was about her mother, even if she would have hated it at first.

She fell asleep with the thought of asking her father about this. She needed to know the answer.

The next morning he awoke to the sound of the door. He got up quickly and when he went out into the living room he discovered Olivia Benson talking to Katheleen. She listened as her sister asked the captain if she was okay and she answered in the affirmative, not mentioning what she had told her in the middle of the night about going to therapy, but mentioning that she had a little trouble sleeping, but that it would be normal.

-Good morning," she interrupted the conversation. He heard greetings from the two women.

They offered him donuts and he took two as he sat down. Then he ate breakfast in silence, listening to Kathleen telling him about the news of her work with Olivia, as if she were his confidant, as if she were his mother, and Eli wanted to scream. They heard the door again and everyone was startled. Olivia immediately stepped forward, gesturing to stand back, as if she was trying to protect them from something.

When she opened the door, the excited voice of a little boy was heard and she immediately looked at Kathleen. Was that Olivia's son? Eli didn't know him, but from the look the sister was giving him she knew she didn't know him either.

-Noah, my sweet boy," he heard Olivia's voice and watched as she hugged him. -I thought you were coming later?

-Yes, but I forgot my dance clothes and I had to come and get them. It's very important," he said cheerfully and hurried into the room. Olivia stayed behind talking to other people. Eli figured they must be the people who brought him.

The first thing Eli saw were the blue eyes. They were so blue that, if he hadn't discovered he was adopted, you'd think they were like the rest of his siblings, like his father's. Then he saw the curls, brown and unruly. He was, without a doubt, a perfect mix of Eliot and Olivia. The world seemed like a joke.

-Hello," he smiled kindly and approached, holding out a hand to both of them, "I'm Noah Porter Benson. Are you friends of my mother's? She doesn't let anyone in the house unless she trusts them.

-Hi," his sister recovered quickly, "I'm Kathleen Stabler, and this here is my brother Eli.

-Hello to both of you.

-Noah," Olivia reached up and stroked his hair, "I see you've already met them. Do you mind getting your clothes? I'll take you to class now, there's still time.

Noah left after nodding and then Olivia stared at each of the Stabler children.

-He's a beautiful boy, and very polite," Kathleen smiled, "He looks just like you, except for...the eyes.

-He's adopted," Eli whispered, not sure what to say.

-Yes, he is. It's not a secret," he nodded and looked at them again, "I'm sorry, I didn't think he was coming.

-You don't have to apologize, he's your son, Liv. I'm glad I got to meet him. I always thought you'd be a good mother.

-I... thank you," she smiled, "I always wanted to be a mother.

-Mom! Where are they... Ah, nothing anymore! -She was thankful she had made her bed before she left.

-You don't mind that we met him? -Eli asked.

-No, not at all. It's... he gets attached fast and I don't want to..." she sighed, not knowing what to say.

-You still think we could leave, don't you? -Kathleen asked.

-I... I know it's not fair, and you're not to blame for anything....

-But we shouldn't have left you if you were family for so long," Eli said.

-And we're not leaving again, Olivia.

-I know.

-But we won't, will we? -Everyone says the same thing about Dad, but I slept here because I was working. And he can get hurt or die like mom," he turned to look at his sister, "a lot can go wrong and if he left once he can leave again.

-Eli," Kathleen warned.

-No, it's the truth. He could go back undercover, get hurt or something could happen again that makes him want to run. What's stopping him?

-Olivia," Kathleen added, "And us. We're here now, together. Grandma is here too, and now that she's seen Olivia again, she won't leave her again.

-I had nothing to do with that, honey," Olivia whispered.

That's when Eli saw her. She looked broken and sad and he wanted to hate himself. She looked worse than even during the nightmare. The mask he wore had broken because he was talking about his father's escape.

-I don't want to replace your mother," he continued, "you have always been my family, but I have no power over your father. We are just friends.

-Liv, you know that's not true. You were always dad's stability. Whenever he has you he seems calmer and happier. He loves you.

-No," he denied, "he only said that because he imagined it was someone else or he was saying it to you. He doesn't love me.

-That's a lie," said Eli, "he loves you. He said it to you. And Kathleen is right, when you helped me you reassured him and he seemed happy.

-He was only happy because he found you safe. -Olivia insisted.

-Liv, why can't you trust that this is the truth?

-I...

-Mom? -interrupted Noah, cutting the conversation short, "I've got everything, shall we go? I don't want to be late for class, I have a test first period.

-And you're going to do great because you worked so hard," he smiled, putting his mask back on so quickly that Eli might have thought he was making it all up.

That ended the conversation. They offered a donut to Noah, who took it enthusiastically, Eli grabbed his stuff, and they all left. The Benson family on one side and the Stabler family on the other.

-I hope to see you again," Noah smiled as he left. -We could play Mario Kart.

Kathleen and Eli went a different way than the Bensons. They both maintained a comfortable silence until a couple of blocks past, when Kathleen couldn't help but ask him how he had spent the night with Olivia.

-Well," he shrugged, "although I didn't get much sleep.

-Why is that?

-Did you know Olivia has nightmares? -he asked, changing the subject, still haunting her from last night. Kathleen stood up, surprised, and denied.

-Are they like Dad's? -she asked as she resumed walking.

-No," Eli denied, "she was squealing, telling me to stop, but... she seems to be used to it. She told me..." she looked away, "she told me she's had them for a decade, that she already knows how to handle them. -She seemed to come to right away, and she was more concerned about waking me up than about her nightmare.

-The truth is, that sounds like Liv... she was always more attentive to others than to herself. Did she tell you what the nightmares were about? -She asked hesitantly, on the one hand curious to know but on the other hand not wanting to intrude on his privacy.

-No," she denied, "but she was screaming that it would stop and if she still has it after ten years..." she sighed, "she told me she goes to therapy, that she still goes to this day.

-It sounds like it was something really bad that had to happen to her," Kathleen whispered.

-I thought so and I...I googled her," she whispered.

-I'm sure there's a lot of stuff about her, she's been in the news for a lot of cases.

-But..." he denied and took out the phone again, did the same search and held it out to her, "I couldn't look beyond the picture and the headline... Did you know about it?

For a few minutes they were both silent. Eli was left analyzing Kathleen's reaction, surprise, concern, fear, anger, sadness and a few more feelings he couldn't quite identify. From the way her eyes moved from one side to the other, he knew that she had opened the article where they had to explain what had happened to her and that he had not dared to do so.

-Did you know anything about this? -he asked again.

-No," he denied, "According to when it says here that it happened, we were on that trip to Europe. No cell phone, no connection. -I don't think you remember, you were too young, but... Eli, we have to tell dad.

-So daddy doesn't know? Didn't Olivia tell him?

-Adult relationships are complicated, and these two have always had a difficult relationship.

-I thought they were best friends and that he was like someone else in the family," she whispered almost more as a question than a statement.

-And they are, but... they love each other, you must have noticed that -when Eli nodded, she continued talking- Feelings complicate things, and I don't think Liv told Dad this.

-Why?

-We would have found out, believe me. When they were partners we always knew if something bad had happened to Liv or if they'd argued about Dad's behavior. It's not subtle at all.

-And why should we tell her? What if Olivia doesn't want us to tell her? -he asked, and that made Kathleen sigh, thoughtfully. .

-I suppose you could be right, but if Dad finds out that we knew and didn't tell him, he'll be angry with us. He's very protective of the ones he loves.

-And what do we tell him?

-I can handle it. I'll tell him what you found out, what I read without giving him details and tell him to talk to Liv.

-What if she gets mad at us?

-She could never be mad at us," he whispered with a faint smile, "She loves us very much.

-She told me that for a long time we were her only family.

-That's true. As far as I know, her mother was not good to her and died many years ago, at the beginning of the partnership with dad.

-And her father?

-She never got to know him, her father raped her mother and she was born because of it.

-Is that why you work with special victims?

-I think so, yes. We were her only family for a long time, but she never got in the way of the family.

-What do you mean? -he asked, curious.

-Well, she was always there if we needed help. She helped us with some of our school work, or kept an eye on us at the police station. I know she bought the gifts Dad gave us a lot of times, and we always had something from her. But she never came to any family gatherings.

-Why? She's family," Kathleen couldn't help but overhear the present in that statement.

-He always said he worked, and many times he did. She always worked on Christmas and other holidays so Dad could be with us.

-She didn't celebrate Christmas?

-Dad said no, that to spend Christmas alone she preferred to work and if that made him be with us that was enough. His Christmas present, he used to say. -Couldn't help the amused tone- Once he brought us all for his birthday, when Mom and Dad were separated, but then he stayed apart.

-As if she didn't feel she could be a part of our family," Eli added.

-That's the way she always was, yes," he nodded.

-We could do something to make her see that she's not like that, that she's just one of us.

-And Noah. He seems like a good kid, he looks a lot like Olivia, but his eyes....

-He's adopted -At Kathleen's curious look, since she couldn't find out more about it that morning, she continued -I asked her about Noah's father, in case...you know...it might bother him or something... -her sister's face changed to confusion -I thought maybe they were living together or something, but no. He told me it was always just the two of them. That she adopted him.

-He's a lucky boy. I always thought there was something about her that would make her an amazing mother.

-She's good. -They were silent for a few seconds. I tried to hate her, at first... I didn't know her, she came out of nowhere and Dad seemed....

-In love," Kathleen helped Kathleen complete.

-But I couldn't do it, Olivia is amazing and with everything I find out about her... How can she be such a good person when she has suffered so much?

-I don't know, Eli, but that's her superpower," Kathleen smiled and they continued talking. -Then I'm in charge of talking to Dad?

-I want to be there too," Eli admitted.

-Okay," she smiled, "let's get you to class and I'll set up the intervention.

-Oh, please don't call it that, it was a disaster last time," Eli said with a smile.

-Okay, I'll organize the non-intervention," Kathleen laughed and they walked on.
It took a little over a week to finally find a day when the three of them could be there to finally have the non-intervention. Kathleen and Eli were in the living room, talking about studies and work until Elliot came in and, seeing them quiet, became concerned.

-Did something happen? -he asked as he approached the children.

-We want to talk to you, Dad. -Kathleen started and looked directly at the little boy.

-I didn't do anything, I promise," he replied.

-What do you want to talk about? Is this some kind of intervention or something?

-No, no.

-This is a non-intervention," Kathleen replied.

Elliot looked at the kids, who were serious but determined to have the conversation and sighed. He left the gun in the safe and the badge on the table before heading to the kitchen for something to drink. Finally, he returned to the living room, sat down and waited. Seeing that they were still silent, he motioned for them to start talking. They stared at each other for a few seconds and then Eli took the initiative.

-It's Olivia.

-Liv? -What about her? -he asked, now sitting up straighter, paying more attention.

-Nothing's wrong with her, she's fine now, I promise.

-Now? -He looked at Kathleen. "Does that mean she wasn't before?

-You see, Dad...

-It's my fault," Eli stepped forward, "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have.....

-Eli, it's not your fault," Kathleen spoke, "it's no one's fault, we didn't know, and you weren't doing anything wrong.

-It's okay, stop," Elliot raised his voice a little, "Why isn't it Eli's fault? What did he do? What do you mean we didn't know? What happened to Olivia? Was it because you stayed with her last week? She told me it went well, did she lie to me?

-No dad, everything went fine, we had breakfast and met her son," Kathleen spoke, Eli still trying to keep his feelings in check.

-Noah? -she asked gently but with a smile on her face- What's he like?

-He's very kind and charismatic. He's a lot like Liv except...

-The eyes. He has blue eyes, just like yours," Eli added.

-Children... I would never...

-We know, he's adopted, Dad. -He told Eli, I don't think it's any secret.

-I didn't know," she admitted, in a whisper, unable to help that it would have been no new discovery if he hadn't left her for ten years. -Is that what you wanted to tell me?

-Olivia has nightmares," Eli admitted and, after her father's worried look, continued speaking faster and faster, "I couldn't sleep and I heard her, she kept telling me to stop, over and over, screaming. I got scared and went to wake her up, I thought... I thought something might happen to her or that she might be like you... -she looked away, remembering the hole in the wall she punched- but it wasn't like that, she was terrified when she woke up but the next second she was apologizing for waking me up and for listening to her. She told me that she had been having nightmares for ten years, that she dealt with them and that her therapist helped her with it.

That made Elliot take a deep drink and he was glad he was sitting down, because that information was new. Ten years. Something must have happened to her ten years ago, a couple of years after he left, and even without knowing what happened she felt guilty. He was her partner, for better or worse and he wasn't there. He remembered Fin's words, that he had been through a lot. He took several deep breaths, trying to calm himself.

-Did he tell you why he has the nightmares? -he asked in barely a whisper.

-No, he said he didn't like to talk about it but....

-But?

-I looked for her, Dad, and I... I couldn't read what they were saying.

-What do you mean, you looked her up? What was it? What happened to her?

-On the internet, Dad," Kathleen interjected, "there were a lot of articles about what happened, a lot more than Eli taught me and... it's not good, Dad.

-What happened to her?

-She... -Liv didn't tell you anything, then?

-No, nothing at all. What happened to her, please.

-She was kidnapped for four days and then they held her again and played Russian roulette," he said too fast.

-What? -asked both Stablers, not knowing how to act.

-From what I read it was...it was really bad, Dad. I don't know how he got out of it....

-Liv..." Elliot began to hyperventilate, "I need to see her, I need to know she's okay and I need her to tell me what happened. And god, why didn't I know anything?

-We were in Europe without internet, the family getaway for a year, remember?

-That damn getaway," he whispered more to himself than to anyone else, "I have to go," he sighed and left the room.

-Will Olivia hate me for this? -He asked in a whisper after a few moments of silence.

-No, Eli. She would never hate you. She was the first one to hug you, I love you like her son," she ran her hand down the young man's back, "she loves all of us like her son.

-I need to apologize," he whispered.

-It's okay," he nodded, "I'm going to send a message to Liv telling her that Dad is coming to see her and why. And that we're sorry.

-Can you ask if he's coming to lunch on Saturday? We should show him that we care and that he's family," Eli whispered.

-I think that's a very good idea. I'll let the others know too," he smiled as he typed on his cell phone. -I'm sure they want to see her.

It was two days later when Eli came to the police station to talk to Olivia. He had barely been able to sleep, he was nervous and worried, and he couldn't shake the guilt of having told her what he had found out. Kathleen had promised him several times that Liv wouldn't hate her, but he couldn't help thinking otherwise. So he decided he should apologize himself.

As he entered the police station he asked for Captain Benson and was directed to the floor. He went upstairs, somewhat nervously, and walked to the office. He didn't know the place and was somewhat lost, but he kept walking until someone stopped him.

-What can I do for you?

-I'm looking for Captain Benson.

The policeman looked at some files for a few seconds and then shook his head almost imperceptibly.

-He's on trial. He'll be here in an hour.

-Oh," he didn't know what to do, he hadn't thought he couldn't be at the station. He sighed and began to fidget nervously, shifting from one foot to the other.

-Eli Stabler? -he asked a voice and turned around. -I'm Fin, Sergeant Tutuola, I worked with your father for a while.

-Hi, I... I don't remember you," he whispered, almost ashamed of it.

-It's normal, don't worry. -He smiled and then looked at the policeman, "I'll take care of it," he looked back at Eli, "Are you looking for Olivia?

-Yes, but she told me she's on trial and ....

-Yes, she'll be back soon, they've left early, which is rare, but a blessing -she smiled and walked him to where the desks were -You can wait for her here or in her office, whichever you prefer.

Eli thought for a few seconds and finally sat down in a chair next to Fin's desk. He looked at him and couldn't help but smile nervously.

-Are you all right? Is there a problem? -The sergeant wanted to know.

-Everything's fine, yes. -Why do you think there's a problem?

-A Stabler at the station? It usually indicates trouble," he replied jokingly.

-Olivia just gets us out of trouble? -he whispered.

-She's good at that," he shrugged.

-She doesn't mind?

-She loves your whole family, always has.

-She loves Dad," he sighed.

-Yes, she does, but I'm not sure she'll admit it to anyone, even to herself.

-Why?

-Well, adult relationships are complicated. When I was your father's partner I couldn't admit I had feelings for him.

-Because of the job?

-Partly. Also because Elliot was married. She would never, ever do anything to hurt you.

-She said we were her family.

-So you are

-I think I screwed up," he whispered, looking away. Fin had a serious look on his face, but he had accomplished what he was looking for, getting Eli to trust him enough to know what had been bothering Olivia these past few days. -I told my father about Olivia's kidnapping and he went to see her. I wasn't supposed to say anything.

-You're just a kid, Eli, and you were worried, you didn't do anything wrong." A voice interrupted the conversation between the sergeant and the young man.

-Liv," Fin said, and Olivia denied.

-Not now," she looked at Eli, "Do you want to talk in my office? -She smiled kindly and started to walk in that direction. The young Stabler got up and walked into the office.

-I'm sorry," was the first thing he said, "I shouldn't have said anything, I just... I understand, Eli, I understand.

-I understand, Eli, I really do. And it's something I should talk to your father about, you don't have to worry about anything.

-So you're not mad at me? -she whispered.

-No, Eli, I'm not mad at you.

-Kathleen told me you wouldn't be but....

-Yes, sometimes you need to hear it said.

-You needed to hear something you already knew, too?

-Yes," she answered after a few seconds of silence, "I had to listen to your father who didn't know what happened to me," she whispered.

-He didn't know, no one did, we were in Europe.

-I know, he explained it to me," she nodded, "Is that what you wanted to tell me?

-Yes," he nodded, calmer now, "and, well... Kathleen was going to send you a message for a family meal?

-Yes, she did.

-Will you be coming? -he asked, excited.

-I...

-Please, I know you may not want to... we've been a bad family to you for a long time but... it would be nice to have you. And Noah. He seems nice, I think we could get along," he smiled nervously.

-Do you really want me there? -he asked.

-Yes," he admitted without hesitation.

-That's fine. We'll be there then," he smiled.

-See you then," he got up, "thanks for everything...again. -She smiled and left the place quickly. Olivia was part of the Stabler family, and she would do anything to prove it to them. It was time to start with a family meal.