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“Alhaitham?”
Kaveh peeked over his sketchbook at Alhaitham sprawled out across from him on the other side of the divan. His most recent read lay face down on his chest, and his eyes were closed, head lolling slightly to the side.
“Alhaitham,” Kaveh whispered again, this time nudging his leg with his foot. When he didn’t stir, Kaveh frowned. It wasn’t like him to fall asleep anywhere that wasn’t his bed.
Watching the peaceful rise and fall of Alhaitham’s chest, he figured he shouldn’t wake him. This Acting Grand Sage business had him wrung dry. Dark circles had blossomed under his eyes, and when he’d come home with ink stains on his temples where he’d been rubbing at them with equally stained fingers, Kaveh had wordlessly pointed at the plate of food waiting for him at the table.
They hadn’t exchanged a word, and when Alhaitham finished eating, Kaveh had wiped the ink from his face with a warm towel, humming quietly because he couldn’t help it, and taken his plate from him before he could think about doing dishes with his hands twitching every four seconds from overuse. Kaveh always thought being ambidextrous came as a blessing to someone like Alhaitham who never worked a second more than he had to. These days it seemed more like a curse.
Kaveh hadn’t started any arguments, a silent thank-you to Alhaitham for working so hard for Sumeru’s sake. And when Alhaitham had removed his headphones before flopping down on the divan with a novel, it felt like more of a victory than perhaps it had the right to.
“You’ll ruin the spine like that, idiot,” Kaveh sighed, letting his sketchbook fall to his lap. Alhaitham looked soft like this, asleep in the dim light of their home. He looked younger, all of his sharp edges blurred by the night into a shadow of the way they’d been when they were kids, before all of a sudden he was twenty one and on fire and Kaveh could no longer keep up.
Kaveh gave up on his sketch of eagle eyes to let himself admire a little while longer. He’d spent too long without resting his eyes on him. The desert had been fun, almost as fun as coming home to learn that Alhaitham had merrily thrown a coup in his absence, but he’d missed that face. It was a pretty face, in his defense.
“You know,” Kaveh murmured under his breath, “that I love you, right?”
Alhaitham’s chest continued to rise and fall, his lips slightly parted. Kaveh wanted nothing more than to kiss them.
They’d kissed, once. After Alhaitham told Kaveh he had feelings for him, all those years ago. Kaveh had kissed him.
Alhaitham’s wide eyes sparkled in the moonlight, his breathing shaky against Kaveh’s lips when Kaveh pulled away. His hand was trembling in Kaveh’s. Kaveh gave it a squeeze.
“I’m sorry, Alhaitham,” Kaveh whispered against his mouth with a sad smile. “I don’t feel the same.” His smile faltered as he watched Alhaitham’s heart break in his palms. “Please forgive me.”
Kaveh always wondered if the sting of that rejection was part of what sharpened Alhaitham’s tongue in the argument that shattered their relationship. Perhaps if he hadn’t kissed him so selfishly, if maybe he’d just used his words, then Alhaitham might not have felt so wronged. Because, unlike what everyone else seemed to think, Alhaitham felt just as strongly as Kaveh did.
“I love you,” Kaveh sighed, words flowing a little more freely now that he was convinced Alhaitham wouldn’t wake. “I love you so much. I know you know. You’re too smart to have not noticed.”
Even Paimon had noticed, for Celestia’s sake.
“Why won’t you say anything about it?” Kaveh whispered.
Outside, it started raining. The muted drumming against their window provided a soothing white noise that Kaveh would have liked nothing more than to melt into.
“All those years ago, when I rejected you, you know it wasn’t because I didn’t like you. You know it’s because I was scared, right?”
He remembered the morning after kissing Alhaitham under the stars he’d gone to lecture like every other day. He remembered catching Alhaitham’s eye across the hall, and the way they’d been bloodshot and puffy.
“I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I know you cried because of me.”
Kaveh had spent that entire lecture staring into space. Then he’d skipped class the rest of the day to go cry in his room.
He’d never apologized to Alhaitham for that night. He couldn’t bring himself to even acknowledge it. But in the quiet of this home he shared with Alhaitham, with an Alhaitham who’d opened up his heart to Kaveh again enough to fall asleep on the same divan as him, he found the words slipped past his lips easily.
“I’m sorry.”
Kaveh studied Alhaitham’s sleeping face. He’d fallen asleep on Kaveh’s shoulder once. Kaveh remembered thinking the same thing then:
“When you sleep you look like you’re smiling. It’s so pretty,” he whispered. “You’ve been smiling more these days. You’ve been—you’ve been smiling, and laughing. You’re so beautiful when you smile. It makes me so happy but at the same time I can’t help but wonder if you’ve found someone new. I knew you’d gotten over me, but I supposeI hadn't wanted to believe it.” Kaveh traced the outline of his sketched eye, imagining how the soft lid would feel under his finger. “I love you so dearly. I’ve loved you since that day I came across you reading all by yourself in that dusty corner of the House of Daena you used to be so fond of.”
When it all came crashing down and words were used as weapons, Kaveh had spit out, “I wish I never talked to you in the library that day.” He’d never said anything more untrue.
“Did you stop going there because you knew I’d be there looking for you? I’m sorry I took it from you. It should have stayed yours. I couldn’t even allow you one simple happiness without ruining it.” Archons, he’d made Alhaitham so miserable he didn’t know how the man could even stand to look at him. “Do you know how many days I spent in that corner waiting for you? You must know, or else you would have shown up.”
He could never regret meeting Alhaitham. Even if Alhaitham hadn’t forgiven him with the simple gesture of opening his home to him, he would always remember being young and in love with Alhaitham.
“Do you remember the first time you got drunk?” Kaveh smiled. “You told me you were going to marry me someday. I laughed, and so did you, and it was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.” He let his chin rest in his palm as he confessed, “I think about kissing you every day. Once in this lifetime has not been enough for me. I’ve let you slip right through my fingers, haven’t I?” He shook his head to himself. “You baffle me endlessly. You let me live in your home, you let me miss rent, you cook me dinner and make me coffee and walk me home from the tavern when I’ve been thinking about you too much. Why aren’t you repulsed by me? Why aren’t you repulsed by my love for you? It should be uncomfortable for you. You who’s heart I so selfishly broke because I guess I thought you’d always be there.” He sighed. “I guess I thought you’d wait for me.”
“What do you think I’ve been doing for seven years?”
The quill dropped from Kaveh’s loose grip as his heart skipped a beat. “Alhaitham?”
Alhaitham cracked a sleepy eye open.
“Alhaitham!” Kaveh gasped, his sketchbook and quill falling to the floor as he sat up. “How—how long have you been awake?!
Alhaitham hummed, letting his eye slip shut lazily. “You asked why I haven’t said anything. The answer should be obvious. I didn’t want to push you away again.”
Kaveh blinked furiously. He pinched himself.
One of Alhaitham’s little almost-smiles pulled at his lips. “I’d wait another seven years if you needed me to. I’d wait for you for a long time, Kaveh.” He sat up too, their legs intertwined in the space between them. “I could never be repulsed by any part of you, Kaveh,” he murmured. “Especially not by your love I crave so desperately.”
Kaveh’s mouth parted wordlessly. He hadn’t heard Alhaitham say the word “love” since that moonlit night years ago. “Alhaitham, you—I don’t understand.”
Alhaitham yawned, scratching the back of his head. “Hm. It seems I’ve shocked you somewhat. Apologies.”
Kaveh couldn’t find his voice. He wanted to say something about how Alhaitham had never apologized to him in his life, but there was a lump in his throat he couldn’t swallow past.
Alhaitham sighed, untangling his legs from Kaveh’s to stand with a stretch. He glanced at Kaveh with a small smile before moving to walk past him. “Good night, Kaveh.”
“Wait.” Kaveh shot up and grabbed his wrist. “You—you have some explaining to do.”
“Do I? I thought I made myself quite clear.”
In his grip, Kaveh could feel Alhaitham’s pulse thundering. “I don’t want to make you wait anymore.”
Alhaitham didn’t move away. “What do you want?”
“I want you.”
“You already have me.” Kaveh stepped closer, lifting his free hand to Alhaitham’s cheek as Alhaitham continued at a whisper, “you’ve always had me.”
Kaveh kissed him.
It was different than the kiss they shared all those years ago. Alhaitham was a little taller than him now, and he wasn’t shaking against him like a leaf in the wind. But he was just as soft and warm and sweet and familiar as Kaveh remembered. As their lips moved against each other, Kaveh almost sobbed in relief.
When Alhaitham pulled away and ran a thumb under Kaveh’s eyelids, he realized he'd started crying.
“I’m in love with you,” Kaveh sobbed.
“And you’ve been brought to tears by the very notion? Am I so rotten?”
Kaveh slapped his shoulder. “You know it’s nothing like that.”
Alhaitham kissed him carefully, gently like he was something to be savored, never swallowed in one bite. “Then why?” Alhaitham asked.
“Because I hurt you. Because I wasted your time. Because I’ve spent years torturing myself when I could have just let you love me.” As the reasons tumbled out of him, Kaveh found there were more reasons to cry than there were not to cry. “Because I regretted turning you down the second I left that night. Because I missed you so much. It’s been unbearable, Alhaitham.”
Alhaitham kissed the corner of his mouth as Kaveh trailed off helplessly. “I know," he said simply. "It’s alright.”
“It’s not. It’s not alright,” Kaveh sobbed, his fingers curling in Alhaitham’s shirt.
“It is to me,” Alhaitham answered easily.
Kaveh abruptly realized that, in Alhaitham’s eyes, he could literally do no wrong, and promptly burst into tears. He hid himself in the crook of Alhaitham’s neck, clinging to him like a lifeline as Alhaitham returned the embrace, turning his head to press a kiss to the side of Kaveh’s head.
Alhaitham patted his back. “Let’s go to bed. I’m exhausted, and I’d like to wake up with you in my arms, if you wouldn’t mind.”
“You’re so annoying,” Kaveh sniffled. “How—how are you so calm?”
Alhaitham hummed. “Easy. I’d have continued loving you regardless if you decided to love me in return today or any other day. This constant keeps me grounded. Next question.”
Ah. “Well, I’ve not just decided to love you ‘in return.” His voice cracked on the “return,” as if his own throat couldn’t believe what it was saying. “If it wasn’t obvious, I love you even if you get over me some day.”
“Stop saying that. It is completely ridiculous.”
Kaveh peeked up from his spot hiding in Alhaitham’s shoulder. “What is?”
“That I’d ever get over you.“