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Apologies are for those who care.
Apologies are for those who are sorry. For those who have made mistakes, for those who want to repent. For those who feel remorse.
Reizou does not feel that.
Reizou has no regrets.
All he has done is for the ‘good’. The standards are high, and nothing else but excellence should be expected.
All he had to do was follow along.
There was no need for stupid things like apologies.
A man is standing in Reizou’s mind. He always smiles, looks proper, and stands with composure and elegance.
Never disappoints.
Reizou never feels self-conscious, but he tears himself apart in his room. The man says nothing, just smiles and stares. Reizou pulls the piercings out of his ears and rips the tennis shoes away from his feet, his dyed hair falling out of his head, scattered across the ground, his hands, into his eyes, and into his mouth.
He runs.
Reizou hates running. The track was the last thing he wanted to do. Maybe he would’ve joined the cooking club. Basketball, or maybe even soccer.
And yet, he was the best at running.
Maybe it stemmed from how he shoves his earphones into his ears, ignoring his father’s berates. Maybe it came from how he could jump from the second story in his house and roll away without a sound at midnight, running away to a gaming cafe.
Running away from his problems.
But running was so easy. Running was like second nature. Why face it, when you could dig your head into a hole, hiding your face from the humiliation, hiding yourself from knowing whether everything was okay. Like an ostrich, he hid. The hole he buried his head in became Schrodinger's cat–he never knew whether the problem had passed, or it stood there, watching him, smiling. Standing in a room, standing with grace, watching.
Watching as he destroyed himself from inside.
And yet, this was a problem he couldn’t hide from.
He could run away to Jin’s house, where his lovely mother would prepare a Michelin star course–not of seared scallops and dollops of caviar–but of fried salmon, seasoned spinach and filling amounts of rice.
But he couldn’t run from Jin.
“Is something going on with you and Seiya?” Jin questioned.
Jin was sharp. Jin was an eagle. He could pick apart a problem if he saw one. He was like a predator, tearing apart the meat of his prey. It would be gone in seconds.
Reizou envied him sometimes. He was the guy who pushed the smiling man out of the room when Reizou didn’t even know there was a door. He’d sit there, hook the piercings back on his ears, collect his hair, put them back where they belonged, and put his shoes back on for him.
Reizou didn’t answer.
“Seiya looked miserable at the recent competition.” Jin pressed.
The competition.
He couldn’t shove his earphones into his ears anymore, because his dad snapped them into pieces. He ate a kale salad for dinner and was locked in his room for the rest of the night. Cold, and hungry, the smiling man took advantage of that. He ripped Reizou’s features out of his face, he took his shoes, his hair, his piercings, and his eyes.
“Are you happy now?” He asked him, the same grin hanging on his face.
Reizou could only dig at the ground, making a small hole, enough for his disfigured face to be hidden. He hid, hoping the smiling man would go away.
And he did. Jin pulled him out of the hole, gave him back his facial features, tidied him up and handed him a lunchbox.
“You deserve to eat something.” Jin opened it. It was soba noodles with unagi and pickled radishes.
“I can’t.” Reizou had said, broken. His ankle hurt. It wasn’t even iced or bandaged.
“Yes, you can. I’ll tend to your ankle. Now eat.”
So Reizou ate. He ate every last bite until the moonlight shone into the long windows that encircled his room. Jin had wrapped his ankle up and handed him some ice packs.
“When you’re better, come visit me,” Jin said before he disappeared into the night.
That was the best part of the competition.
“I don’t care,” Reizou muttered.
“I care. I’m the captain. Did you say something to him?” Jin asked again.
Reizou didn’t say anything. He always managed to read his mind.
“I know you and Seiya aren’t friends, but he’s not a bad guy, you know. And you have been shitty towards him.” Jin continued.
“Me? He threw his shoe bag at me!” Reizou shouted.
“That was stupid, yes, but you’ve been taunting him, teasing, mocking. You were bound to get it from him.” He rolled his eyes.
“He’s too sensitive,” Reizou muttered.
“Not everybody grew up with stone-cold parents like yours.” Jin shot back. “That’s not the point. I want you to apologise to him.”
“What? For what?” Reizou groaned.
“I want you to understand him. I don’t care if you guys become friends. If you give a whole-hearted apology with what you want to apologise about, I’ll be good. He has already apologised, so now you do it.” Jin gave him a piercing look. “Okay?”
He really was an eagle. “Okay.” He sighed.
Seiya was weird. He was somebody who looked to be on the verge of tears every time he saw him. He never qualified for competitions. He always had a look of fury whenever he looked at Reizou.
And yet, his stare always lingered. Whether it was on Reizou’s new shoes, his race number, or maybe the new piercing he got, he was always looking. It reminded him of the smiling man, but instead of hiding whenever he saw him, he always wanted to rip his face out. Tell him to stop looking. Gouge his eyeballs and make sure he learns his lesson.
When he yelled at Seiya in the stands, the smiling man nodded. He agreed with Reizou. Seiya was foolish. Seiya was weak. Seiya was nothing.
But now, Jin wanted him to level with Seiya? The smiling man wasn’t happy. He didn’t stop smiling, but his posture shifted. He looked ready to move, towards Reizou, his eyes holding a stare that told him ‘no’.
A stare that told him apologies is weak. That all he has to do is follow along.
Reizou ignores it. The thought of Jin pushes the smiling man out of the room altogether.
He follows Jin’s words and approaches Seiya one day. He thought carefully about all his ‘mistakes’, and came up with an apology that he thinks is acceptable.
He has no idea. He has never apologised.
Seiya sits with Kazuki. He looks glum, eyes red like they always are, as he pulls his spikes off and pulls on his shoes dejectedly. Kazuki talks, and pats his shoulder gently. Seiya doesn’t react, just nodding, his movements forlorn and slow.
It almost pains Reizou to see him like this. If Jin acted like this, he’d be worried, but Seiya is nothing to him. He has done nothing but cause him anger. There is no sadness for him.
And the apology begins.
“I need to talk to you,” he says loudly, to Seiya. Seiya jumps and flinches at the sight of Reizou. His eyes narrow, but the glint of fear is evident.
“What?” He looks confused, too.
“I need to talk to you,” Reizou repeats.
Seiya looks to Kazuki, who nudges him on, and he stumbles out of his seat, waiting for Reizou’s next move.
He trudges away to an empty, quiet spot.
The smiling man shakes his head, his eyes filled with alarm.
Good. Reizou hopes he’s upset.
Seiya stands, shrunk in on himself, hands folded into each other, like forming a barrier between them.
Reizou starts. “I’m sorry for being a little shit towards you.”
Seiya looks alarmed at the message.
“I shouldn’t have provoked or taunted you. I got ahead of myself, and I was arrogant. Just because I’m better does not mean you are any less. I also shouldn’t have yelled at you in the stands. Me twisting my ankle does not mean you prayed for my downfall. And I’m sorry I made you feel depressed and shit about yourself.” he continued.
The smiling man groans a loud, loud groan, and collapses. He crumbles into pieces, his hand outstretched, one last plea. Before he is gone.
Seiya’s eyes are widened, mouth opened. “I-”
“Yeah, that’s it.” Reizou interrupted.
Seiya froze for a few seconds before he looked ashamed. “I’m sorry for being rude to you too.” He said in a small voice. “I was just…jealous.”
“Jealous of what? My lovely father? My piercing infections? My unevenly bleached hair? My twisted ankle?” Reizou snorted. “Nah.”
Seiya didn’t seem to look any more relieved. “I shouldn’t have projected my own issues at you. My insecurities got the better of me. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t care.” Reizou shrugged. “I’m going home now.”
Seiya nodded.
And that was it. They had reconciled.
Reizou bought new earphones. He became an honorary member of the Jin family, and got a new lunchbox, instead of using Jin’s old one. Seiya gave him an old electric guitar from his brother to play with. He won the track competition a year later.
And if the smiling man ever reared his ugly horns, Reizou knew how to deal with that.