Chapter Text
Forlini's Bar (Post Verdict)
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After claiming his drink from the bartender, Barba turns around and offers, "Cheers."
Carisi always tuned the rest of the world out when Rafael Barba was in the room. The once-ADA-now-turned defense attorney always had Carisi's undivided attention. They exchanged disappointing remarks about the outcome of the trial. Carisi had bested his mentor, but the win didn't feel right. Plus, after the defendant's meltdown on the stand, they were right back where the entire case had started.
Suddenly Carisi noticed Barba was looking down at his phone intently.
"Sorry to cut this wake short. My mom is heading to Florida tomorrow. Tell Liv I'm sorry I missed her," Barba said as he collected his gray winter coat from the chair and put it on.
"Will do," Carisi answered. Barba's announced departure only made the ADA's mood even more somber.
Fin jabbered on about his fiancée while Barba headed toward the exit. The defense attorney turned around and finding Carisi's eyes, the defense attorney gave Carisi a small grin. He was really proud of his student, but the smile was about something more than just pride.
Suddenly Carisi realized that Fin was leaving now, too. Kat Tasmin offered, "Next round is on me," as she headed over to the bar to get another round of drinks for those remaining; herself, Rollins, and Carisi.
"Thanks," Carisi mumbled.
"You doing okay?" Rollins asked softly.
"Not really. To be honest, I-I feel bad about Mickey."
"Hmm."
Then Carisi added, "Maybe I'm a little angry."
"At Barba?"
"No. He was just doing his job. Look, it's hard enough going up against my mentor, but when half of my old unit is helping him investigate?" As he asked this, he vividly recalls his nerves that had caused him to down a half bottle of Pepto-Bismol before the trial had even started.
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Flashback
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Present at Forlini's
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Rollins shook her head and said reassuringly, "It's over. And not for nothing. You won."
Carisi nodded and said, "Cheers."
He and Rollins polished off their nearly depleted first round of drinks. After they each laid their glasses on the table, Rollins looked over at the bar and saw that Tasmin was still waiting on their next round of drinks. Being alone with Carisi, Rollins couldn't help herself any longer and asked, "So, you're just going to let him walk out like that again?"
"Who?"
"Barba."
"Excuse me?"
"Come on, Sonny."
Carisi looked around bashfully and then whispered, "Who told you?"
"Who told me? You did."
"No I didn't," Carisi retorted childishly as his cheeks pinkened.
"Your eyes do every time that you look at him."
Carisi looked down at the table and recalled the events from the last twenty-four hours.
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Flashbacks
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Barisi Flashbacks- "Sightless in a Savage Land"
Carisi remembered how Barba had looked back at him during trial.
Then Carisi remembered their exchange of banter the night before on the courthouse steps.
"You know how you used to come to all of my closing arguments?" Barba asked smugly.
"Yeah?"
"Let's see if you learned anything," Barba said even more smugly with an accompanying side smirk as he turned and walked away.
It was Barba's way of telling Carisi that he was so, so proud of him. Their banter had shot a bolt of desire straight to Carisi's dick and the ADA had to go back into the courthouse and visit the restroom to relieve himself before going home.
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Present at Forlini's
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"Drop it," the ADA urged. "Manda, us? We might be going somewhere."
"Carisi, I love you, I really do, but I love and value our friendship even more. I'd be a God awful friend if I just sat back and kept allowing you to let the love of your life keep walking away."
"You are so good at reading people," Carisi remarked with a sheepish smile.
"That's why I'm a detective," Rollins replied.
"Mandy, I really do love you. And the girls. You know that, right?"
"I know you do. You can still be Uncle Sonny. We might even upgrade you Dad Sonny. Of course, if Rafael's okay with that."
"I don't think he's a kid person."
"I'd have to argue with that. He took to Noah. Jesse and Billie were pretty young when Rafael left us, but I have no doubt that he would have been good with them."
"So, it's just all a brooting facade?"
"If you know him as well as I think you do, you know the answer to that."
"Big facade," Carisi decided.
"Now, go," Rollins said as she pulled Carisi to his feet. "Go get him she said shooing him with her hands.
Tasmin returned to the table. "Where's he going?"
"To keep the love of his life from getting away again," Rollins said accepting her second drink.
"Barba, right?"
"You see it, too?" Rollins asked.
"I didn't want to say anything because I assumed you two were together, but the way he oggles that man," Tasmin remarked.
Rollins smiled. "Sonny deserves to be happy. I love him as a friend, but Barba is who his heart belongs to," Rollins explained. "Cheers."
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On the Street Just Blocks from Forlini's
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Benson just by coincidence crossed paths with Barba as she had been heading to Forlini's to join her friends for drinks.
"Hey. Did I miss the post-mortem?" Benson asked.
"No, they're still inside. Hey, walk with me?" Barba asked as he gestured for her to accompany him.
"Sure."
"Are you mad at me about how I handled this case?" Barba inquired.
"Davis confessed on the stand. What if they found him guilty of man one?"
"It was never going to happen," Barba denied.
"Because you're so good? Barba, how much of this was about Davis and how much of it was about you?"
"What do you mean?" Barba quickly threw back with a furrowed brow.
"The way that you had to leave." Barba nods ever so slightly seeing what Benson was getting at. "Maybe you weren't defending him, maybe you were defending yourself," Benson clarified.
"We can't change the past," Barba said.
"I just miss it. And you. That's all."
Barba blinked and nodded in agreement as he replied, "Me, too. This past year has been all about loss."
"Well, let's hope that this year's a better one."
Barba smiled sweetly and wished his friend a, "Happy New Year, Liv."
"Happy New Year."
Barba put his mask on and walked away.
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This moment reminded him of a few years ago of how he had felt as he walked away from Benson outside of the courthouse after he was acquitted and had chosen to leave the DA's office.
I walked away from more than just Liv, Barba thought as he fought to hold in tears that were welling up and stinging his eyes.
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From the distance, Carisi had just seen Benson and Barba part ways.
"Barba! Barba! Wait up!" Carisi called trying to keep some sort of normalcy about his pace, but failing to do so miserably.
Barba stopped and turned around. "Carisi?" he asked in surprise. The defense attorney was red in the face, probably from the New York cold.
"I can't keep letting you do this," Carisi gasped.
"Letting me do what?" the defense attorney asked.
"Walking away from your life. From your friends. From me."
Barba swallowed hard focusing on the most painful part of Carisi's explaination. Trying to feign surprise, he asked, "From you?"
"You know what I'm talking about. Every time our gazes meet, I can see it in your eyes."
"Carisi, I'm damaged."
"Jesus Christ, Rafael. No, you aren't. You couldn't bare to watch that baby suffer."
Jesus fucking Christ. Not this again. It was bad enough that Liv just brought this up moments ago. "He wasn't alive," Barba said suddenly finding the urge to justify his actions despite knowing at the core of his very being that he didn't have to defend himself with Carisi.
"I know that's what you believe," Carisi gently assured him as he stepped closer and put his hand on Barba's face and used a finger to wipe away a lone tear that had trickled down the defense attorney's face. "You aren't damaged. You're a selfless human-being who risked everything because you couldn't bare to see Drew suffer. Not many people would have--"
"I'm a monster. I ended a baby."
"No you aren't. You know the legal battle would have been drawn out for months. Drew could have suffered for another year or more. You put an end to a baby's suffering in the only way that you could. Plus, I couldn't be in--" Carisi said and then trailed off.
"In what?" Barba asked.
"I couldn't be in love with a monster. I love you! I love you, Rafael Barba. I've been in love with you since the day that we first met. Since the first time that I laid eyes on you," Carisi said blurting out years of pent up feelings in the matter of mere seconds. He carefully studied Barba attempting to read the defense attorney's body language, but for perhaps the first time ever, he couldn't read his mentor and crush.
"Why didn't you come to my trial?" Barba finally asked trying desperately to ward off inevitable tears.
"Because I was selfish. It hurt too bad to see you in so much emotional pain and I couldn't bare to hear it if you were convicted and sentenced. I was selfish and hid when you needed support the most."
"If it's any consolation, I would have just pushed you away," Barba said.
"But now you wouldn't?"
Barba shrugged his shoulders in response as he speculated, "Maybe. It's been a lonely road since leaving."
Carisi took Barba's hand as people walked around on either side of them trying to go on their way. "I love you for who you are. I think you love me, too, but if I'm wrong, tell me. Tell me now so that I can try to curb this pain my heart feels every time you walk away from me."
Barba swallowed hard, and in a soft, raspy voice, the defense attorney admitted, "You are not wrong." Carisi curled his bottom lip under trying to contain the delight in finally hearing Barba admit his feelings for him. "It's always been you," Barba added.
Still holding Barba's hand, the ADA guided the defense attorney to the side of the sidewalk so that they were up against a building and out of passerbyers' ways. Carisi gently lowered Barba's face mask and tucked it under the defense attorney's chin. Barba reciprocated the gesture by lowering the ADA's mask. The two stared at each other for a long moment.
"I can't do heartbreak," Barba blurted out in a last minute surge of panic.
"Me neither, but now that we have each other, heartbreak is out of the equation. I'm never going to break your heart," Carisi promised as he breathed on Barba's forehead. "I think this is where we kiss."
Barba smirked and tilted his head up while Carisi lowered his own to meet the defense attorney's lips. The kiss started out slow and innocent, but within a mere minute, the intensity and passion was surpassing the standards of public decency as Carisi pulled Barba closer to lick deeper into the other man's mouth as he used his other hand to cup the defense attorney's ass. Barba ran his hand hands over Carisi's chest wishing that he could feel the ADA's chest hair.
Barba finally had the presence of mind to pull away realizing that they had surpassed public decency. He looked up and when he met Carisi's eyes, he gasped trying to catch his breath, "Wow. You're one hell of a kisser, Counselor." He wiped at his tender lips with his forearm.
Barba using his title did little to help with the situation in Carisi's pants. "I can't tell you how long I've been waiting to do that," Carisi said as he tried to reclaim his breath.
"Probably just as long as I have," Barba quipped. "It also probably wouldn't look good for either of our careers to be collared for public indecency."
"We should continue this somewhere more private," Carisi suggested as he wrapped his arms around Barba who melted into Carisi's chest. "Hotel?' the ADA offered.
"My place is closer," Barba negotiated.
"Lead the way," Carisi said.
"I'm pretty sure you have to take your arms off of me so I can do that."
"I'm pretty sure you're not pulling away. Plus, people still manage to make it to the bedroom despite making out," Carisi shot back. The two leaned in for another steamy kiss, but Carisi suddenly felt Barba quickly disengaging. Carisi halted the kiss and nervously stepped back to examine the other man fearing that maybe this was too fast for the defense attorney. He found Barba's complexion was suddenly looking pale despite the flush of his cheeks. "Rafael?"
Barba pursed his lips, but suddenly the defense attorney's eyes rolled back and closed as his body went limp. The ADA reacted quickly enough to pull the unconscious man into his chest before he went down.
"Someone call a bus!" Carisi shouted in shear panic while holding Barba upright. He would have called the bus himself, but he didn't want to risk dropping Barba while fumbling for his phone. "Come on, Rafael. Open those emeralds. Come on," Carisi urged as he pressed a kiss to Barba's forehead. The defense attorney's forehead was warm. Like, really, really, warm. "Shit," Carisi muttered.
"An ambulance is on the way," a voice announced.
When Carisi located the voice, he found a female. "I'm off shift, but I'm a paramedic. Lay him down so I can check him out."
Carisi hesitantly laid Barba out on the cold sidewalk as the paramedic had requested. Carisi took his own coat off and covered the defense attorney as he shared, "He's burning up." Carisi leaned down and pressed a kiss to Barba's forehead.
"Sir, we're in the middle of a pandemic and kissing your lover who just collapsed isn't the best idea."
"I don't care," Carisi mumbled just as Barba started to seize on the ground. "Rafael!"