Archive of Our Own

A kettle screamed spewing steam into the stagnant morning air. It looked out the window, clouding the glass, as the rain hammered down on the grassy hills just beyond the thin barrier. The soft pitter-patter of the droplets tapping the window. The gushing water poured from the gutters back down to earth. And as the rain hammers down on the earth all was quiet. All the creatures hidden in their dens staying dry and warm sleeping off the chill. All the flowers curled up tightly waiting for the sun to reappear. Even humans stay cozy in bed, for the lull of rain sends all creatures big and small into a deep slumber.

All was quiet, all but one. One stirred and scurried about in the early morning...

❀

A hand pushed a creaking window ajar, reaching out beyond the frame letting raindrops splatter on pale skin. The droplets were heavy but washed away instantly leaving only a cold memory behind. Such a calming, yet chilling feeling. The hand was then pulled away and the window shut tight leaving the rattling outside like a pot stuck on a rolling boil.

A small kettle was removed from its electric station and poured two cups of boiling hot water. One mug, that seemed entirely plain on the outside but had a small ceramic penguin on the inside. The other, also simple its only decorative features were lines of sheet music from Clair de Lune. They weren't a matching set, but it felt wrong to separate them, for they seemed so content with each other. A scoop of green tea was carefully stirred into each mug, fading into the near-boiling water. The penguin looked less like it was swimming, or more like it drowning in the translucent green. Although, it was quite hard to see it at all.

Now without the ticking of the electric tea kettle, the kitchen felt incredibly empty. The pitter-patter of rain could only do so much against uncomfortable silence. With a click, a radio dial switched on. It was a small, old radio, but as they say in the countryside, "Don't fix what ain't broke," and after all, it still worked just fine. Switching to a favorite radio station a young man with silver hair swayed back and forth to the soft jazz playing through the speakers. He stirred the tea to the rhythm of something in between the radio static and the rain.

"Kaworu?" a voice called out with an inflection that suggested the owner had just been pulled from a deep slumber. Kaworu smiled and turned around with the two steaming mugs. "Good morning Shinji. I made some tea for us."

" Thank you." Shinji nodded, accepting the plain mug of tea with blanket-covered hands and a sleepy smile. "You really didn't have to."

Kaworu waved his hand, taking a sip of his own tea "I know. I wanted to." He gracefully walked out onto a small sheltered porch attached to the house and held Shinjis's hand as he stepped over the threshold of indoor and outdoor. They sat together on a long wooden porch swing. Creaking back and forth with the wind, Shinji placed his arm around Kaworu's shoulder squeezing him close. Kaworu, clingy as ever, leaned into the unprompted attention.

" Mmm." he sipped "Thank you." Shinji said calmly with a tone that might be associated with 'thanks'. However, he felt it was more sincere when said in full. He always felt it was best to be as sincere as possible with Kaworu.

As they stared out at the falling rain the sound of a jazzy radio bled through the door. Kaworu placed several small kisses on the side of Shinji's face, only stopping to give him a pair of Vermillion puppy dog eyes. By each timeline that passed, Shinji had become more and more open to his affections. But by this point, it was really just Kaworu making dopey eyes and Shinji lovingly unable to deny him his every wish. And this time he wished for a kiss on his tea-stained lips which, of course, Shinji grated.

❀

Shinji had a rough childhood, his mother died when he was very young. An incurable heart disease that he had luckily not inherited. But with this condition her death was slow, she had time to suffer in vain. In Shinji's mind, the idea of her death was not nearly as scary as the hospital she stayed at for so long. The sterile stench that infected everything inside the building, the horrible food, dull colors, and horrifying sights. To him, there was nothing scarier than the depression of a hospital.

Besides that Shinji was so young when it happened, he didn't remember all that much about his mother and he only had a few cherished memories before she passed. But he longed to know her, wished they'd had more time. After her passing, he was scared that he would continue to lose people he loved, so he pushed everyone away; protecting his glass heart which had been shattered so cruelly by the unpredictability of life. He met Kaworu when he found himself with no one left to cry to, not even his remaining family. Shinji always felt grateful for the love and patience Kaworu had given him since their first meeting. In so many words; even just brewing fresh tea in the mornings was something he cherished.

As he recalled what led him to this blissful moment he stared off into the rain, periodically taking sips from his warm mug. Slowly it revealed a small ceramic penguin that made him smile. He always loved penguins, he remembered having a conversation in which he mentioned this detail about himself some time ago. He had told a story about a visit to an aquarium and he had become infatuated with penguins as a child. It made him smile, 'of course, he remembered, he always remembers.' A smile tugged at his lips as he wondered further, 'When did he get this little mug?'

The more he looked at it, the more his smile grew. He had loved Kaworu from the day they met. But lately, he felt like each day his love grew even more. Every little thing he remembered and all the perfect kind gestures made him melt into a puddle of happy goo. When he was little, he had dreamed of someone who could sweep him off his feet in an instant. But now, as he lived with this blessing of a person, he decided he was still living the dream. The dream had changed, but only slightly. He had always simply wanted someone who truly cared for him, and he was elated to finally have someone like that. It really was like a fairytale.

Maybe that wasn't what most people thought of as their most perfect partner, but it's what Shinji wanted. Not a girl who mistreats him, or someone like his mother. No, he wanted Kaworu. As different and strange as he was, with all his quirks and oddities and kindness. He smiled despite himself, almost embarrassed to feel so cherished. After feeling like nothing but roadside trash for so many years, he really did think he might be cheating at life.

For an even longer time, he was wondering when the "second shoe" was going to drop. When it would all crumble before his eyes and leave him even more broken than before. But it never did. Kaworu was by his side, through thick and thin with the same almost insincere-looking grin. In their time together Shinji had grown more and more comfortable with his happiness, even if he still felt guilty sometimes. He knew Kaworu would always be at his side, it was like having a mountain supporting you. He wished he could tell his past self things would get better, he was going to be okay, and there was nothing to worry about.

❀

Kaworu for some reason, felt like sighing, even as happy as he was. As he gazed over at Shinji, the rain reflecting in his eyes, he let out a loving sigh he couldn't hold in. Kaworu, who could not be described as entirely human, fell eternally in love with the one sitting beside him. He remembered hundreds, maybe thousands, of timelines where everything in the world had been turned to dust. Where the world was in shambles. Where the sea became blood-stained crimson. Worst of all, the times when Shinji had been hurt beyond his worst nightmares. He shivered at the thought. Shinji pulled him a bit closer, lost in his own thoughts but not unaware of his partner's unspecified concern.

Kaworu, who had known so much pain and sadness, smiled at that moment. After much love-stricken tragedy, he thought it was only fair there were at least a few lifetimes where they were happy. He loved those, Shinji did too, or he would if he remembered their many intertwined fates. Still, none of the heartbreak mattered, all Kaworu cared about was right next to him at that moment. Shinji was there, unharmed, happy, and safe in his arms. That's all that matters.

Living, loving, in their domestic bliss.

So they sat, watching the rain fall huddled under a heavy quilted blanket. The quilt itself had been given to them as a housewarming present. It was made by Shinji's half-sister, Rei. It had been about a year since they received it, but it still felt good as new. They loved that blanket dearly as it was the only one large enough to comfortably fit two people. 'Had this been on purpose?' They often asked themselves, 'Had she made it this large specifically for this purpose?' they said. But they knew, not so deep down, that they had just gotten carried away with the "fun of quilting" and made it too large for just herself and therefore gave it away. Regardless, they loved the blanket and the memories it held for them.

" I'm a little hungry..." Shinji muttered beneath the blanketing sound of pouring rain.

Kaworu nodded pushing the swing slightly backward with his heel, "Are you thinking of anything in particular?" Slowly with the pitter-patter of water hitting the ground, Shinji imagined a warm dish. Something easy to make, simple, yet comforting.

"Miso soup?" he yawned, stretching his arms, forlorn to leave the comfort of their blanket, and Kaworu's arms.

"Sounds good," Kaworu mumbled, Shinji smiled and left a gentle kiss on the tip of Kaworu's nose. Only after seeing Kaworus smile did he straighten up and scurry inside to cook. Kaworu chuckled, taking a moment to soak in his joy before following Shinji straying from his path to the kitchen, instead headed to their living room.

In this house of theirs, they had many fine things, many beautiful things. Over the years they had lived together, including their time from before this house, they liked to collect small things, tchotchkes of all shapes and sizes. They had been living together since they were teenagers in a cramped dorm. But even then they had plenty of interesting knick-knacks with peculiar stories for each oddity and even more so today. One such item was a small snow globe with a log cabin on the inside. When they had first moved into their dorm together they went antiquing. On their first trip, they found absolutely nothing they liked. Yet at their final stop they were digging through a discount box in the back of the shop and at the very bottom of the bin was a little glass snow globe with a cabin inside. It was the first decoration they bought together. They had placed it on their shabby little shelf and marveled at it for quite a while. It was like an unspoken promise of togetherness.

Among their current collection was nothing extremely expensive, except an antique piano placed in their living space they had painstakingly restored from near death. Kaworu couldn't recall how many duets they'd shared on that piano, he had taught Shinji how to play from scratch after all. Each and every score of Shinjis' favorite songs he had easily memorized. Although he could play any on command he much preferred their improvised work, together they had such beautiful harmonies. They had been inseparable for years, the benefit of which being: that to achieve synchronized music is like breathing air. For now, as Shinji shuffled about in the kitchen, Kaworu played one of his favorites among favorites: Clair de lune.

Each key played every sound in a symphony that echoed a love that knows no bounds. 'If Claude Debussy knew nothing else, he knew love' he thought. Kaworu silently thanked the long-dead man for his work in music and smiled. If he leaned back far enough he could just barely see Shinji's right hand motioning to press the keys alongside him. A habit he never could break since learning, playing an air piano. Kaworu found it amusing to no end and often played piano when Shinji was preoccupied just to see him do so. It was a wonderful way to visualize practicing without being near a piano, but it was much funnier when the culprit knew the song by heart. Each move is executed perfectly only to be hitting nothing and producing no sound. It melted his heart every time it happened.

Soon after the smell of warm miso drifted through the air. Kaworu effortlessly ceased the sound of the piano until the sound just barely lingered in the air. Shinji smiled his warm, heart-melting smile, and placed a warm bowl of soup in his hands with a tender kiss on his forehead. " Let's eat."

And so they sat together just before noon sipping soup to soothe their soggy souls as the somber sea of silver rain splattered outside.

❀

The rain still had not easied by the afternoon, as the winds grew wild the rain had changed directions. Tragically, it soaked their poor swing along with two of them and their books, which they declared to be quite a rude pause for their reading time. Forced to migrate to the confines of their home, they became quite bored. With boredom, comes hunger. So, what to do when hungry, tired, and bored in a small town? They visit the town of course. The bookstores, the coffeehouse, and whatever else seemed interesting.

So, this was their decided activity for the afternoon. Dressed in their heaviest raincoats and strongest umbrellas they prayed to not be blown away in the winds. Thus they began a journey, hoping to find something to settle a sweet craving the sweetness of their love couldn't settle.

They didn't live far away, but with the weather conditions and their general rainy-day apathy, they decided to take the train instead of walking all the way into town. After all, they did live just a few blocks away from a train station. Every hour on the hour, the train ran back and forth from the suburbs to the city. They had both taken the train many times before, even knowing the stop by heart, but still, they preferred to travel together. Arm in arm, hand in hand, they agreed, was the safest on all fronts. As if they could get lost on the path they had carved themselves. As if they would stray from each other's side.

❀

" I used to hate trains." Shinji mumbles, gazing out the small window. Passing fields and fields of almost flooded land. The world had been desaturated with the calm gray of the rain.

"Oh? Is that so?" Kaworu questioned with a grin. Although knowing the particular story Shinji would tell, he longed for the sound of his voice. The ebb and flow of his speech pattern had always soothed Kaworu. It was particularly charming when Kaworu could get him a bit excited about the subject, in which case he would talk quite a bit faster. This story, which was about how he hated trains, overall had the ending that he had once thrown up on a train due to anxiety and didn't like them from then on. Kaworu remembered this very well, as he wished more and more he could have been there to help each time Shinji told the story. But, he listens to the repeating stories again and again.

Kaworu believes Shinji had no idea he was aware of these things. But in fact, Shinji is well aware he shares this one particular anecdote when on a train. It's more habitual now but he used to "prank" Kaworu by telling the same stories over and over again, hoping he would notice and laugh a little over it. Sadly this plan backfired miserably as Kaworu just continued to happily listen to whatever he said. It was soothing to Shinji, knowing Kaworu cared about him to the length he would listen to the same story over and over just because he really liked him that much. It was one of the qualities that made you feel so safe around him that you could talk forever, and he would listen.

Kaworu had an uncanny ability to make you feel unmistakably heard by Shinji's account. Sure someone can just be around you talking about this or that, but Kaworu was remarkably different. It was never like talking to yourself, he was always waiting for your next word, asking questions, looking you in the eyes in a way that just said 'I hear you'. This effect is most effectively described by comparison. Opia is the simultaneous feeling of extreme vulnerability and intrusiveness when looking into somones eyes but rather than eyes, it was voices. But Shinji just chalked it up to the fact that Kaworu was just different from other people and therefore made him feel different. And while of course, this was true, he was different to Shinji because of personal bias, his red eyes and porcelain skin were the clearest indicators of his otherworldly background that made him different from everyone.

Shinji grinned as Kaworu rolled the umbrella strap around in his palm waiting for him to tell that story he always told.

But Shinji decided on a different story from his youth. One he had not told anyone before, such words had never left his lips even talking to the mirror. A piece of himself he could only entrust to his closest companion to know he wouldn't be judged. It was not only a personal trauma but also the story of how he had met Kaworu.So he took a deep breath in... And out... Just like Kaworu taught him. He began this story like he did the other, hoping Kaworu wouldn't notice.

But as Shinji went on, Kaworu leaned into a contemplative silence. As he listened he realized how he knew the end already, and was now listening to every last cry for help his words held in the beginning.

❀

" I used to hate trains, with every fiber of my being, every bone in my body ached every time I boarded one. When I was young, I was very lonely. I had a bad home and worse health, and there was nothing that could fix that. I was in a never-ending loop of going to school to escape the noise of home and going home to escape the silence of school. I was nauseous because I wouldn't eat, but I didn't eat because it made me want to vomit. It was as if god couldn't make up their mind and decided to torture me no matter what I did. I don't like to think like that anymore, but everything felt heavier on my tiny shoulders, my guilt most of all. My mother died a few years after I was born, of a rare heart condition, I always blamed myself for it. I wondered if I was the one who should have died instead of her. For such a small child I was overflowing with self-reproach. That day I was feeling particularly good for once, no one had bothered me very much and I kept down all the food I had eaten. It was a good day. Also, I would like to add, that all the previous days had been particularly good as well. That day I spent a while walking home from school, I was appreciating the scenery along my road. I smiled for the first time in months that day. It felt good to be happy, even just in that moment, like a summer breeze carrying the scent of salt from the ocean.

When I reached the front door I was content, I thought there was nothing in the world that could ruin my day. I opened the door, ready to be greeted by the same smile on Miss Misato's face she had every day. She wasn't perfect, but she was kind. She had taken me in after what some might refer to as the "death" of my father. He hadn't really died but rather drowned in a prison of his grief. He could no longer be called an "adequate parent" after a while. Miss Misato was the first mother figure I had since mine passed. She was kind to me but also harsh when necessary, I always thought it was as a mother should be. That day I was finally excited to see her smiling at me, but it wasn't there. Her smile was replaced by a look I had sealed in the deepest vault of my memory. Miss Misato had stayed up drinking, waiting for some kind of call from someone. Surrounded by too many empty cans of alcohol, she was hunched over the phone waiting for a phone call that never seemed to come. But when I saw her, she looked so empty. I had never seen her like that, it scared me. It horrified me.

I had seen the look before, on my father before he died, but I hadn't even thought to pray to never see it on her face. It horrified me.

So I ran. I ran and ran and I ran. I kept running until my legs gave out long before my heart and I stumbled into a train station, desperate to keep running. The train ran in a 24-hour circuit. I sat on the train until the early hours of the morning, crying. Tears poured down my face until my eyes burned with salt and I had no more left to cry. I hated that train circuit after just a few minutes but after hours I wished it would burn down with me inside. I knew it wasn't the sight I was running from, it was myself. My cowardly actions. I wasn't brave enough to face my fears, my past, that empty feeling that haunts the dead slinking into my heart. Anyone could see there was someone who needed help, needed a friend, and I ran. Having someone care about me, asking to lean on my shoulder just for a minute, was mortifying. I was sure I would let them down and hurt them worse, so I pushed everyone away. How could a broken heart fix another? I was running from my responsibility as a human being: To be kind.

I sank into my guilt, it consumed me gnawing at my feet and my fingernails pulling me down into a spiral of despair. I was sinking deeper and deeper into a pool of my self-hatred.

The train stopped again. More people walked in and out, a grumbling exchange of brushing shoulders and clinking bags. The doors closed with a hiss. I didn't pay much attention but it seemed almost too quiet. I could hear the train clacking along with my heartbeat and choked sobs. At that moment I was utterly alone, left to suffer in my self-made prison. There was no reason nor rhyme to the pain but my mind blamed it on my heart. Stupid weak heart, if only you were stronger we wouldn't be here. A cowardly broken heart, you are useless. All you bring is pain, if only you were the heart that failed instead of mom's. I clutched my chest wishing to strangle the fear away. I was alone... I was afraid. I couldn't bear to face myself. I couldn't admit I was the one who messed up. But I couldn't make myself forget what I had done. So I just cried, falling deeper and deeper into the hurricane, wishing my heart had cared less about it all.

As tears I didn't know I had filled my eyes once more someone sat down beside me. They placed a gentle hand on my back, and although there were no words something said "It's okay. You're going to be okay. Just hold on." It was like something my mother had said when I was small if I wouldn't stop crying. "You're strong" She would say " Just hold on, you'll make it through." Through bleary eyes, I looked up at the stranger. It was you. I thought... Please don't judge me for my poor young thoughts okay? I thought you had the features of a model. Sleek and sharp, I thought your hair was dyed an unnatural, yet gorgeous silver, and I thought you had the most striking smile that rivaled the warmth of the heavens themselves. I still think that. And you remember how embarrassingly I cried on your shoulder?

I hated that train circuit because it reminded me of a broken shell of a kind person I had seen, and how much of a coward I was. Running from her instead of being by her side is one of my greatest regrets.

But I also loved it. 'cause it's where I met you. And you know. I love you... "

As the last words left his lips, Shinji slowly raised his eyes to meet Kaworu's. Kaworu looked at him with eyes that cared so much for his woefully heavy heart. It made Shinji go weak and quickly direct his eyes outside to the flooding rains.

In the next moment Shinji was caught in a tight embrace that easily brought a smile back to his lips and his eyes back to Kaworu. Who always hugged Shinji after he told one of his 'tragic' childhood stories. Thinking back, he had gotten a lot of hugs that way... Not intentionally. Kaworu wasn't very good at comforting with words, he'd tried once before but he soon realized discussing "feelings" wasn't his strong suit. Shinji rubbed Kaworus back in small circles like he was the one trying to comfort a sorrowful child. Shinji liked this side of Kaworu, the side that didn't know everything, had flaws, and had doubts. Of course, he fell for the all-knowing one-hundred-percent sure Kaworu, but he melted over the Kaworu that wasn't all that sure.

" I still don't like that specific line very much 'cause of that, but I'd rather remember riding the train with someone I like, than running away. Right?" Shinji said thinking out loud.

At this, Kaworu perked up, and with a reassuring smile, he nodded. " I'm glad you can find peace with your past and I'm glad you found me," he spoke gently, placing a kiss on Shinji's cheek.

"Yeah... I think you are my peace, ya know? We found each other. " He smiled with now dusty pink cheeks but no intention of turning to hide them.

Kaworu grinned a crescent, his eyes squinting into crow's feet. His face twisted into a sort of insincere-looking grin that was just the opposite. He was well aware he looked somewhat off but Shinji knew his smile was meaningful. As long as he knew his sincerity that was good enough.

❀

The train chugged on. The wheels clicked on the tracks as the scenery flew by. Although the rain drowned most of the window, one could just barely make out the rice fields of San Village*. They weren't flooded yet, and yet they never would be. It was something Kaworu had made sure of when they first moved to the countryside. Shinji had been particularly excited about the rice fields, even if he hadn't said very much about it, Kaworu made sure to keep those intact. Of course, telling how he had accomplished this would take from the alluring mystery of his angelic status, no? He's still a semi-supernatural being, so might as well play it to his advantage. Even if he can't smile right, even if he remembers all the pain in his life, even if he's died a thousand times, at least he can do something small. And to see Shinjis smile, he'd die a thousand more times.

Regardless Shinji, Kaworu, and the rice fields would always be perfectly safe from flooding. Even in torrential rains like these. The only thing they needed to worry about was keeping the smiles on their faces. And that's just how they liked it.

❀

As the train creaked and steamed to a stop the two disembarked and headed for their favorite shops under one umbrella. If they preferred to travel arm in arm, as they had said, why bring more than one umbrella? They said this as if they hadn't simply forgotten a second umbrella that day and had just made do for the time being. They really did like being closer together of course, and the size of the umbrella made sure of that. But they both hated wet shoulders.

They really hated wet shoulders.

Shinji, for the feeling of clothes sticking to his skin; the sickly chill was unnerving in his mind. Kaworu hated that Shinji felt unwell, he couldn't care less about his own mild discomfort. So, after a few minutes of being pelted by rain, they ducked into a nearby bookshop. The kind of old bookshop you can get lost in, the kind without a fire escape and plenty to burn. The kind that smells like the yellowing books on their shelves. The kind that sold new vinyl and bought old books, and vice versa. A safe haven for the weary bookworm looking for warmth. And a frequent date spot for the chilled, and slightly soggy, couple.

They looked at each other with rosey-cheeked faces and walked to separate ends of the store with a smile and a wave. An outsider might think they may be having a fight, but it is the opposite. Shinji hates being watched when shopping, his anxiety acts up when he feels like he has eyes on his back, watching his every move. So he shopped alone in dark corners and dusty books. On the other hand, Kaworu liked to surprise Shinji with new records he might enjoy and not let him see them until the record has been placed on their player. Shinji will also bring back an odd trinket in the same manner in an attempt to make Kaworu smile his perfectly strange grin. Thus, out of these subtle quirks, they split up for just a moment.

Shinji strolled around the bookstore looking through each section until he came across the children's area. A large gate guarded the plastic trains and cars that lay dully on the floor. However, it did seem they had been played with that day as they were just barely out of order. He placed them back in their original positions and organized what had been strewn about. He continued on through the area. His attention was caught in a trap of bright colors and textures. He let his hand glide across the thick spines of the light little books until he reached something plush. A circular shelf filled with stuffed toys. He passed over each pair of beady plastic eyes, deeming them average-looking or just downright boring. Finally on the very bottom shelf was a little brown dog and white cat.

Shinji crouched down to look at the tiny toys to discover they seemed to be hugging, connected by magnets stitched into their paws. Finding this endearing, he picked them up together; one in each palm. They had a bit of weight inside as well, perhaps filled with seeds or beans of some kind. They fit nicely into his hands, only slightly larger than an average apple. He wondered only for a moment if Kaworu would also enjoy such tender sweetness. He quietly walked up to the counter and hoped Kaworu wouldn't see this little purchase as a surprise for later.

Kaworu, of course, was completely distracted looking at different vinyl records. He liked classics of course: as in classical piano and violin, but he also liked the classics. He especially loved Queen and was currently looking over a "best of" collection. Although he wished they'd added a few, in particular "in love with my car," he generally agreed with the selection. Still, he put the record back and kept looking, he'd come back for it another time when it wasn't pouring rain and therefore possibly in harm's way.

Kaworu was careful. He hadn't always been careful though. For a long time when he met Shinji, he had been careless, played with his heart, and made a fool of himself. They took their time together for granted. He figured they see each other in the next life what's the point of it such a short time? Being a cosmic entity and whatnot, time had a sort of warped feeling in his perspective. He didn't understand how short human lives were, much less why that made them valuable. Whenever he thinks about his immaturity he thinks about the life in which he had prematurely ended a little cat's life*, the cat was to die shortly after but why hadn't he decided instead to take the poor thing into his own home, make it's last days a little better? Or brought it to a shelter, or even just set it down a little more gently, or do something more, more than just end it without a second thought. That was one of his most regretful moments.

He remembered how Shinji had looked at him with such disdain. It burned into his memory. Kaworu wished that had been the moment, or even that life that changed his mind, but it was more of a slow process. He grew to be more gentle, more kind, more careful. He started with Shinji, whose heart was like glass and easily shattered. Then through Shinji's eyes, he saw the world. Music, books, animals, food, and the joy each brought: it was all fleeting. Many humans don't realize how short their lives are and end up regretting not taking things slower. They rush through their lives waiting for the next big thing while a million tiny perfect moments pass by. Kaworu was lucky to find love, it made the rest come so naturally. Once you see beauty in one thing, you see it everywhere.

He loved the world, but he would destroy it all in a heartbeat for Shinji. Maybe that makes him immature, being so ready to give billions of lives for just one, but if you've ever been in love surely you understand. Anyway, that is all a fancy way to say; that he loved Shinji very much and had learned to be careful with precious things.

Kawory was struck back to reality as a hand rested on his shoulder. " Did you find anything?" Shinji whispered as everyone unconsciously does when surrounded by books.

Kaworu laughed internally at the unspoken rule and returned the unnecessary quiet " No, not today. Maybe another time. Let's head to the coffeehouse next door, I'm a little hungry. " This was a lie, he wasn't hungry, he never got hungry. He could eat, technically his body needed to eat, but he just ate whenever Shinji did or if he felt physically unwell, but he didn't think that was what the normal "hunger" was. Generally, though, he had a vague idea of when hunger should occur, and he assumed a normal person would be a little hungry around this time. So they walked out in the rain with soggy shoulders once more.

❀

After just a few minutes of walking, they arrived at their favorite cafe, Wille. It was a small quaint place, odd decor and dim lighting made it feel almost homey. But the thing that brought in most customers was the small stage at the back at which the held different events. Slam poetry, stand-up comedy, and most notably, concerts. Small, usually jazz or orchestral, bands often played in the crowded area for exposure. It's well known for having many great bands beginnings, many people visit waiting for the next big hits. Shinji and Kaworu, however, mostly came for their jazz nights and mandatory quiet hours.

As they walked into the shop they received a familiar wave from the current employees. They came in so often that many knew them by name, or just as "that one couple that's the definition of queer." (they are not aware of this title) Shinji waved off Kaworu as he went to order and the other went to save a table. Although Shinji generally disliked talking to service workers he had a special request this time. He asked for their usual coffee cake and strawberry shortcake with respective matching coffee orders. But also for the employees to leave a place on the plate for a small gift box.

Behind the counter they all had great smiles with thoughts somewhere around "they're proposing!" The employees who knew them by name breathed an extra sigh of relief with a "FINALLY!" on the tip of their tongues. The barista talking with Shinji nodded and accepted the box not entirely omitting how light and unusually large it was. At the look of confusion, Shinji made sure to clarify "It has a plush in it, like a gift. I don't know. Thanks." The employee shrugged and assumed some kind of stuffed bear holding a ring? Nothing could deter their thoughts of a proposal in this little boring shop. The baristas had been bored to death and this was finally something interesting.

After a few minutes the staff brought out their little plates with the little box on one. Shinji was particularly nervous, he really hoped this wouldn't be a sore spot as Kaworu had mentioned a previous bad experience with cats. Even though he had picked it, doubt had seeped into every crack in his mind. The moment light hit the small figures in the box Kaworu was grinning ear to ear! He smiled so wide it reached the moon and stars. Kaworu tried to speak but closed his mouth deciding whatever sentence he had constructed wasn't good enough to describe his feelings and tried again. This made Shinji extremely nervous, he hated it when this happened. Kaworu would sometimes not say anything for a long time as he tried to pick out the "best" choice of words. He knew it would never be bad, but out of old habits, his mind always turned for the worst.

He waited just a little longer before blurting " Do you like it?" in a voice as quieter than even the smallest mouse could squeak.

" Yes," Kaworu said forgetting his perfection with excitement and joy flooding his mind. "Of course I do." He smiled placing his hand on Shinjis. Shinji smiled and-

"CONGRATULATIONS!" One staff member yelled and others soon followed in similar regards. With one particularly quiet girl squeaking out a " Congrats on your engagement" that was just close enough to Shinji he finally understood what had happened. In a moment his face went from the smile he reserved only for Kaworu, to confusion, to sheet white, and then finally bright red.

" No, we're not actually -! Well, we are but not yet-! Uhm but I mean well we are dating but not! I'm not. It's not that I won't! You know! Kaworu?" As Shinji helplessly looked back at Kaworu he still had that smile smeared across his face. Now more and more customers are joining in to wish them a 'happy engagement!' Shinji wanted to sink into his chair, never to be seen again from sheer embarrassment. Not really the insinuation that he would marry Kaworu, to be honest, he'd love it, but that he hadn't proposed and all these poor well wishes were absolutely useless. But a promise he made a long time ago didn't let him move an inch. After years he finally regretted not running away from things anymore, it would be so great right about now!

Kaworu, through this ordeal, has been ear to ear smiling. He thinks human traditions are a little funny, and maybe cute too. Gift-giving isn't a thing when you are nothing but pure stardust or living on the moon. Neither are weddings or engagements, but oh how he loved the idea. He wondered when humans had figured out how to make a moment's decision last a lifetime. Perhaps an accurate metaphor for his current mental state would be that his head was in the clouds, dreaming of wedding bells. He imagined their little wedding with just a few people, they'd host it here in the countryside. Suddenly his finger longed for the weight of a ring and a promise. Eventually, he saw the pained look on Shinji's face and pulled himself back to reality.

He conjured a customer service tone and grinned, "We're not engaged, we're just dating. So sorry to confuse everyone! Thank you all for your kindness anyway." Kaworu waved off the remaining baristas hiding in various places nearby. Within seconds the crowded area seemed to dissolve back into the normal quiet of the jazzy cafe.

After defusing the situation Kaworu leaned forward in his seat to meet Shinji's eyes and spoke to both him and the lingering onlookers. "Not that I would mind such a thing but, today there was a misunderstanding."

" You would really...would you really get married to me?" Shinji stuttered returning to his almost inaudible whisper that used to be his most frequent tone years ago.

Kaworu smiled, petting the small stuffed animals with great care. " I'm not giving that an answer until a proper proposal."

Doubt had always sewn seeds in Shinji's mind, but when it came to whether Kaworu truly loved him or not: he had no fear. Shinji was a person who had a difficult time trusting others but Kaworu had done everything to bring his walls down, and done it all at Shinji's pace. That already made Shinji fall for him, but his kindness and patience never seemed to run out. Shinji felt like the universe might be spoiling him with someone so perfect. What lives had he lived before this to earn this wonderful life? He used to ask such questions all the time, but now he only had one: how do I give the same love back to someone so amazing?

Kaworu's mind was also on a similar subject in this regard. He always wanted Shinji to feel like loving him was his choice. Shinji was shy, especially with his heart, so everything Kaworu did was meticulously patient. Every last detail was taken slowly and carefully to love him as much as he could. At least that's how it was at the start. He wanted nothing more than Shinji's utmost happiness. Eventually, he realized the best way to love him, and the best way to his heart would be to go with the flow of the universe. He didn't even need Shinji to love him back, just to know that he is loved and is worthy of love was enough.

But he would be lying if he said he didn't, at least a little bit, want Shinji to love him. Maybe acting human made him selfish. Or maybe love was just a selfish act after all, but is that so bad?

Let the jazz fill their conversation. Eventually going silent to just listen. Slowly their fingers slid together across the table. Shinji's classically warm hands and Kaworu's freezing cold hands interweaving. Like a fireplace against the snow or a breeze in a summer heatwave. It was a combination of their love that made their opposite features fit together. As they gazed into each other's eyes, not a word needed to be said. But they said some anyway because they liked to.

" I love you." & " I love you too" they smiled.

❀

When they left the cafe the rain still had not eased. The winds still howled and the droplets still battered down on the awning above them. They didn't mind. It had been a while since they had such a nice rainy day. Thus not wanting their nice day to be over quiet yet, they walked to a convenience store on the way back to the train station. The next train didn't leave for another hour anyway.

They bought Onigiri and tea, then sat outside together under a covered bus stop. They ate slowly, as they talked about their lives. They had been living together in their house for so long now, and they still had much of their lives ahead of them. Behind them, they both had plenty of stories to tell. Especially Kaworu, who remembered each heartfelt glance, despaired goodbye, friendly conversation, and everything in between. But he preferred the comfortably mundane stories Shinji told.

'What happened to your family garden?' had been one of his favorite questions. It went to a particularly long and extremely drawn-out story that could probably be resolved in a single paragraph. Kaworu thought it showed Shinji's best side. Boring, on the surface, but full of so much beauty. The story went as follows: As a child, Shinji had a nice garden his mother maintained. He spent a lot of time in this garden listening to his mother read novels aloud to him before she fell ill. After his mother died he couldn't even be near the garden without vomiting. So it fell into disrepair. That was why Shinji didn't keep houseplants for many years. Although recently he's been trying to grow white and red carnations, but occasionally there were a few pink ones as well.* It was something he had been doing as a kind of grief therapy, to heal his long broken heart.

In the retelling above Kaworu left out many of the little details Shinji added. It was the little details that made the story so perfect. Such as what flowers his mother had grown, what they meant in flower language, a general account of when he noticed there were more weeds than flowers, and exactly how he recently had been taking care of his flowers. Sometimes if Shinji was in a really good mood he would forget what he was talking about and ramble on and on about flower language.

Not to mention while Shinji spoke it was the perfect opportunity for Kaworu to look at his eyes. Beautiful mellow blue pools with intricate designs like snowflakes that seemed to shine like silver in the sunlight. It was a habit he wished to never break. And one that he hoped Shinji wouldn't catch onto, lest he ask him to look away.

Shinji, on the contrary, was very aware of this habit and yet didn't quite want to stop it. Kaworu had piercing eyes like red spears ready to end the world in a single glance.* But he didn't mind this sharp stare, he only noticed it when he became anxious, which was rare nowadays. Shinji was happy to look right back into Kaworu's eyes. They reminded him of the deepest crimson roses he'd ever seen. He trailed off in his speech about the meanings of certain colors of rhododendrons to focus more on Kaworu, who seemed to be exuding sunshine after just talking with him.

❀

They were only about 15 when they met. Kaworu was a new student, and Shinji was an outcast, they became inseparable, clinging to one another at every chance. The timing reminded Kaworu of several other lives in which things had quickly gone south from their meeting. However that wasn't the case, it all seemed to be perfect. There weren't any other angels. And no red oceans. He hated the sight of bloodstained seas, they reminded him of his own eyes, cursed to be but a motif of death. But Shinji always seemed to like his eyes, they were like roses, he had said. Only a single time he said it but once was enough.

They had been 'together' for so long but never really established what they were to each other. It was only brought up when they thought something as vague as friends wasn't fitting. They had been more like partners. In life and in love.

But today, an idea had been placed right in front of them.

Married.

It scared Shinji, the change, the commitment, the vows. In sickness and in health, till death do they part. But... Whenever he was scared he could turn to Kaworu. He loved Kaworu, so much, and it might be nice just to have a symbol of that love. A heavy band on his finger, a reminder of the heart's burden. He liked that idea. He liked it a lot. In fact, he couldn't seem to get his mind off it.

Kaworu adored the idea, but doubt had inexplicably wormed into his heart and whispered "You're not good enough for him. You'll leave him more broken than you found him". Every word tore him up inside. His piercing gaze grew somber. His soul was heavy and worried with the burden of a beating heart.

He would never tell Shinji this. He worried too much, he didn't want to lose any more than he had to. He just wanted Shinji to love him because of who he was, not because destiny commanded it. He was supernatural, but he still had flaws, although he tried his best to hide them.

Even a single scratch on a diamond means it'll never be truly perfect. And not so deep down, Kaworu had many, many scratches. So he worried, would Shinji still love him if he knew the ways of the universe? Would he truly love him, till death do they part? It would be nice, he thought, just to have the promise, to hear it. He knew the universe would shove them together no matter what, but to know Shinji wanted him around, would send him to the moon and back.

But neither made a sound. Not a word was spoken. And for the first time in years, they had silence. Uncomfortable silence. It was gnawing at Shinji's glass heart as it was itching Kaworu's need to please. But they sat in their own thoughts until Shinji's phone blared an alarm for the next train.

" We should go catch the train," he mumbled returning to long-forgotten nervous habits.

" Yeah..."

As they walked umbrella overhead the silence did not leave. It lingered like the stench of blood. Sticky and suffocating to be around. But they kept walking.

" Stop," Shinji said stepping in front of Kaworu to face him. "What's wrong? " he asked replicating a gesture Kaworu had done for him many, many times before. He tucked a stray hair behind his ear, dragging his hand along his cheek before lightly landing his palm on Kaworu's heart.

Kaworu tried to smile, but it wasn't the same as his true crescent glow. And without a change from Shinji, he dropped it. "I'm sorry. At the cafe... I shouldn't have said that."

" What're you talking about?" Shinji flushed, his old country accent shining through in his surprise.

" You asked me a question, I should have answered you. " Kaworu pressed closer keeping the hand Shinji laid on his chest in place.

"It's okay! Really I get it! " he closed his eyes, unable to continue with this assault on his poor heart. He was too charming, too handsome, too kind, he couldn't take it anymore! It was like trying to stare into the sun!

" No, it's not okay. Shinji let me finish."

"Okay," he whispered still trying to close his eyes to hide from his own embarrassment, which Kaworu seemed to lack.

" I would love to marry you. You. Only you. And I would marry you again and again. In every life. Every opportunity I have I'd cross my fingers I'll get to love you. " Kaworu sighed with an easy smile" I'll love you in every universe. Every timeline. Every life. I was always born to love you... and if I die of that same love, then what a good death it will be. So yes, I'd really marry you. Again and again, a million times, no, an infinite number of times if I could."

Tears flowed down Shinji's cheeks his eyes red and puffy, but happy. He dropped the umbrella and threw himself at Kaworu. "I'm so glad I love you," he whispered into Kaworu's neck.

Kaworu squeezed him as tight as he could and spun them around. Around and around their laughter grew, and people started to stare and give them dirty looks. They didn't notice, and if they did they didn't care. Nothing could dilute their happiness.

❀

As the train chugged back along the tracks lined with lake-sized puddles all seemed quiet once more. The rails clicked with the echoing sound of country crickets. The sun began to set on the hills and even as the rain raged on. And as Shinji started out the window he felt his eyes grow heavy. Slowly he let himself lay back on Kaworu's shoulders as Kaworu wrapped his arms around him.

His eyes blinked with the weight of a long day but he smiled with the ease of a heartbeat he held close. Soon he dozed off to the sound of tracks clicking by with the steady rocking of the traincar.

Shinji awoke to the sound of Kaworu's voice like a piano playing through his soul. He rubbed his eyes, not remembering where they were.

" We're almost home. I'm sorry to wake you." Kaworu repeated.

Shinji nodded "It's okay. I know it's you."

Kaworu grinned, his eyes like crescent moons. It was Shinji's favorite sight. Calm, happy, familiar. His smile was his home. For just a moment he was lost in the sweetness of the moment but he was snapped back to reality as the train lurched to a stop. He quickly readjusted himself and avoided the eyes of onlookers.

Kaworu safely placed the small stuffed creatures under his raincoat and Shinji readied their umbrella for the departure.

As they walked back fingers interwoven, a light conversation floated in the air. Something about jazz. Neither was paying attention. They didn't really need to speak, even just a simple look was already a conversation. But they spoke anyway because they liked the sound of each other's voices

When they reached their home, they slipped off every mildly damp clothing piece in exchange for soft pajamas. Kaworu carefully placed the cat and dog on a shelf all to themselves. The little plushies looked so tenderly in love, that he couldn't help but smile at them, giving them each a pat on the head before walking off.

With a few sleepy kisses exchanged between the two they finally plopped into bed.

Kaworu curled up with a book with Shinji wrapped around his waist. He listened as words poured from Kaworu's mouth like a beautiful symphony. Each syllable played a different note on his heartstrings, leaving him with a sound that resonated through his soul.

" Once upon a time," Kaworu paused and smiled"... there was... a little angel. It was lonely in the massive universe. Not the sun, nor the planets, not even the stars looked its way. Until one day a human child prayed to the sky. The child said 'Oh great big universe, couldn't you spare just one angel for me? Just one? So I'll never be lonely again.' It was only then did the universe glanced at the angel, it took pity on the two and so the string of fate tied their lonely souls together. Forever they were destined to meet, and in every life they loved each other for, they were each other's joy, sadness, fear, anger, and love. They were each other's everything."

He smiled again." of course that's just a folk legend!"

" Hah, it sounds just like you and me. " Shinji joked.

Kaworu giggled a bit knowingly " Want to watch a movie? There's one I thought looked pretty good and I've been waiting to watch it with you." He hushed pushing part of shinjis hair out of his eyes. He continued yammering on and on about sweet nothings. Shinji just nodded and smiled, closing his eyes and leaning his head on Kaworus, running his hands through Kaworu's starlight silver hair.

"Tomorrow" Shinji yawned shushing his lover "I'll wake up before you and make you tea."

" Nooo~" Kaworu whined with a sleepy smile "You can't wake up before me~ my hair is too ugly in the morning. I can't bear for you to see me that way!" Kaworu pouted, his lower lip quivering and his eyes shining like an all too spoiled cat who knows they'll get their way.

Shinji smiled continuing to stroke the top of Kaworu's head like an old family cat. "Well, I like your hair in the morning. It's cute and messy." he cooed not giving it much thought. He really did think it was adorable, but he could barely get the word 'nice' out there. Saying cute had turned his face beet red and rendered him unable to keep any sort of eye contact.

How embarrassing, he thought it was, to be engaged and still embarrassed to say what was on his mind. And with great admiration for Kaworu to say whatever sappy thing came to his mind without a second thought. This is true as it wasn't something Kaworu was particularly aware of. The intricacies of human communication were difficult to understand. If you have something to say, say it! That's how Kaworu thought, but it's not like he was forcing this mindset on others. Especially not Shinji who he knew would say the words he wanted to in his own time.

" I like that about you." Kaworu blurted acting on his tendency to say what you mean, mean what you say, might sound me but say it anyway.

" Hm? Like what" Shinji questioned with wide eyes.

" You're honest with me. People lie so much. But you don't lie to me, I like it."

" Oh..." Shinji contemplated this idea " Well I guess I never needed to lie to you. You saw me at my worst so what could I ever have to hide?"

Kaworu grinned leaning into Shinji's hands once more." I suppose. If only I could be as honest as you."

" You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, but there's nothing that you could tell me that would make me change how I feel. You know that right? " Shinji said suddenly stopping stroking Kaworu's hair out of concern.

Kaworu nodded taking a moment to take the advice he had given and breathe " Okay. If I said we were fated to meet each other in every universe. What would you think? No no, what if I told you I wasn't like... this. What if I was some weird alien from the moon? What would you say? Would you still like me?" Kaworu rambled speaking progressively faster and worrying more with each question. Until he finally hit the big one. " If that were true would you love me less?"

Shinji thought for a moment " Would you love me less?" he retorted.

" Never! " Kaworu exclaimed with absolute seriousness.

Shinji smiled " Then nothing changes. To be honest I don't know why I asked that." he laughed "The answer would have been the same either way. You could probably hate me and I'd still love you. Is that sad? "

"Maybe... But I'm the same so we'll be sad together." Kaworu responded flopping back down on the bed after realizing he had somehow pushed himself to lean his arms in his rant.

For a moment there was silence... More accurately there was rain and frogs outside but they were quiet as mice. But curiosity got the best of Shinji and he suddenly asked " ... Are we really fated to fall in love in every universe?"

" I said meet," Kaworu responded somewhat absent-mindedly.

" I don't think I can meet you and not love you. Even just a little bit."

Kaworu poked Shinji's cheek with his ice cold finger "Sappy." He said with a smile.

" Mhmmm" Shinji groaned, red in the face. " We're sappy."

Kaworu gave him one last kiss on his forehead and crawled under the cover clinging to Shinji without hesitation. Shinji could only smile and pull him closer as he always did. Even if he was an alien Shinji thought he was the best living being in the universe. And if love was a sin, they would be sinners together. Not soon after turning into a mess of blankets and pillows and sheets, they fell asleep with minds full of thoughts about the person just centimeters away. Both happily tangled together with their legs in a knot and hands squeezed together. But not before exchanging one last soft

I love you.