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Mike sighs through his nose as Nancy grabs her purse and sets out to Dustin's house, again. Ever since Eddie… left, Dustin hasn’t left his room. Steve and Nancy are there almost everyday trying to help him out of his stump. And don’t get Mike wrong, he is grateful for that, he is! Dustin is one of his best friends and he is so happy that they are helping him, but there is a selfish voice in the back of his head that wishes it were him. That wishes Nancy had helped him when he lost Jane and Will all those times. When he almost died over and over from upside down and human creatures alike.
It’s not like he deserves the attention anyway. He is supposed to be this great Paladin that always protects and helps the party but, honestly, he’s found he acts more like the villains. He is selfish and greedy. He has no idea how to express his own emotions, let alone help someone with theirs. He didn’t even visit Max in the hospital as much as the others! He only went once a month unlike everyone else who went at least once a week. He is a terrible friend and a terrible person.
That doesn’t stop him from wanting his sister back though. He would never admit it but he misses her. He misses how she used to play superheroes with him. How she would hide him in her room when mom and dad were fighting. How she would help him with homework and his hair. He misses her hugs.
God, he misses her hugs.
Mike has always been a tactile person, constantly touching his friends and family in some way when he was around them. Hell, he used to hold hands with Will all the time growing up! (Of course, they had to stop doing queer things like that when they got to middle school and it couldn’t be written off as them just being kids.) He used to hug the Party goodbye every time he left. Now, he can’t remember the last time they even looked at him for longer than it takes to nod slightly in his direction as they are walking past.
Not that that is their fault, they are all busy with their own lives and he wouldn’t want to look at him for long either. Dustin can barely get out of bed, Max is paralyzed and is relearning how to use her arms, Lucas is always with her, and Jane and Will went back to California to finish the school year and pack up their house. Steve and Nancy are always with Dustin, Robin either following Steve or working.
The only thing Mike has left is Hellfire. He is so grateful to have Gareth and Jeff. They have let him cry on their shoulders more times than he can count, and he has returned the favor as much as he can. Gareth has been teaching him how to use the drums, no one wanting to touch Eddie’s guitar that sits in the corner of his garage. He has to admit, it’s a good way to get his anger out.
Mike has been angry lately. Really, really angry. He doesn’t know what he is angry at. The world? The Upside Down? Himself? But, music helps more than he ever thought it would. It gives him a way to get all of his feelings out without punching Troy in his stupid fucking face. God, he wants to hit him. He has wanted to swing and not stop since he was a kid, but now he's pretty sure he would if given the chance, and honestly? That scares him. A lot.
He has never seen himself as a violent person. Loud and explosive? Yes, but violent? He would never hurt someone unless it was a life and death situation (like in the mall with Billy). So, him realizing he would beat someone to death if given the chance is frankly fucking terrifying. He knows Eddie wouldn’t want that, he was always against violence. Another reason why him leading a cult of all things doesn’t make sense.
Eddie.
God, he misses Eddie. He misses him so much. If he could just get him back, just for five minutes so he could talk to him. So he could say goodbye. There are so many things he wants to tell him. He wants one last hair ruffle and side hug. He wants to see him just one more time. Why did it have to be Eddie? He didn’t do anything wrong. Why does he have to die when Mike is right here?
Mike with so many things that are wrong with him. Mike who has scary and violent thoughts. Mike who fucks his friends over again and again. Mike who can’t help the people around him with even basic things like feelings. Mike who can’t even say he loves his girlfriend because let's be honest, he doesn’t. He doesn’t love her. Not the way she wants him too. And fuck does he hate himself for it. He hates how he can’t just say the one thing she needs him to say. He hates how easily she forgives him for it, despite how angry she is at him.
He hates how if Eddie saw him doing what he does, he would be so fucking disappointed. He hates how bad he misses Eddie, and he knows that he will never stop. But he also knows just how badly Eddie would be, and has been, treated. He knows that Eddie is in a better place now, even if Mike long since gave up on being the religious type. If anyone deserved to be in heaven, it would be Eddie.