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Adam couldn’t even remember what had started it anymore.
It wasn’t on purpose , it was just- some days, Adam seemed to wake up wrong. He could tell almost as soon as he woke up, the anger simmering just under his skin making his skin fit wrong, his chest feeling full enough to burst. It wasn’t a new thing, not at all- his parents had brought it up constantly, his friends… the words of an ex-girlfriend always came back to him on days like this, spat at him during one of their final fights before they called the whole thing off.
You’re like poison, Adam. You’ll end up alone.
It wasn’t that he had expected Lawrence to fix him, far from it. He knew that that wasn’t fair, knew that that was a lot to put on the man, it was just… he had been used to that anger before, had lived with it like some kind of fucked up roommate that had overstayed its welcome, but that had been back then. Back then, he hadn’t been sleeping enough, hadn’t been eating enough, had been surrounded by people who didn’t give a fuck about him. The anger had felt justified, good even. It had kept him going.
Now? He had no reason to be angry anymore.
Well, that wasn’t true. He could think of plenty of reasons, if he had to- memories of his trap always brought back those familiar flickers of rage, that gut instinct reaction of it isn’t fair , but even the trap was long ago now. Adam was in his thirties, he was getting too old to be acting like this- he didn’t want to be acting like this anymore. He wanted to set the anger down, to let it go.
Their fight had been pretty pathetic, all things considered. They usually were- Adam picking fights over nothing, goading the other man into responding, looking for something to lash out at. Lawrence usually didn’t humour him, just fixing him with an unimpressed look as he went about his day- which only served to make Adam angrier, usually. Lawrence was fucking infuriating . So calm, too patient with Adam when he got like this.
So when Lawrence had looked up at him from his food, his expression tight, and had asked him if he was planning on eating at all, Adam had blown up, spat at him angrily until Lawrence had just given up entirely.
Once Lawrence had retreated into their bedroom, Adam had gone outside to smoke, rolling with shaking fingers and just letting it burn for the most part, not even actually smoking it. A waste of good nicotine, but he felt sick. It was the worst part, the aftermath. He didn’t know why Lawrence put up with it at all, if he was being honest with himself.
He crushed his second cigarette out on the windowsill, brushing the ash off with his hand and dropping the butt into the little ashtray that Lawrence had put there months ago, when they had first moved to their new place. The man had been adamant that they find a house for themselves, somewhere with room for Adam’s darkroom and for Lawrence’s office, with enough space to breathe. Adam fucking loved this house, and he still couldn’t believe that he lived somewhere like this. It was a far cry from his old apartment, that was for sure.
Gritting his teeth, he pushed himself up to standing and stepped in through the door, locking it behind himself. The house was quiet- Lawrence must have not re-emerged since he had left, then.
Adam stopped by the kitchen on his way to face the music, running his fingers along the marble countertop and picking up Lawrence’s reading glasses from where he must have forgotten them earlier. A peace offering. A shitty one, at that- Adam’s speciality.
He rested his hand on the doorknob that led to their bedroom, biting at the skin on his lip gently. “Lawrence?”
“It’s your bedroom too, Adam. You don’t have to knock.”
Flushing slightly, Adam pushed the door open, revealing Lawrence sitting up in bed, soft music playing from their record player. He must have gotten changed at some point while Adam was stewing outside, because he was wearing his pyjamas- Adam affectionately called them old man pyjamas, but he loved them. He loved him . The urge to curl up on the man’s lap and apologise reared its head.
“Are you feeling better?” Lawrence asked softly, his expression void of any kind of resentment, any bitterness at all.
Adam reeled for a moment, struck. The familiar sensation of nausea rose up in his stomach, warring with the affection he had been feeling just moments before. Lawrence didn’t deserve this- didn’t deserve to constantly have to let Adam’s anger wash over him, to have to give the man space to cool off whenever he got in one of his moods.
“Lawrence, what are you doing?”
The man’s eyebrows furrowed, his mouth quirking in confusion “What?”
“Here, with me.” Adam shifted from one foot to the other, picking at his cuticles. “This can’t- it’s not fair.”
He couldn’t read Lawrence’s expression. The perils of dating a doctor- the man was very good at hiding how he was feeling.
“Adam, come to bed. You’ve had a long day, we can talk about it tomorrow.”
Adam shook his head, rooted to the spot. His head hurt, and he could feel things that he would regret bubbling up in his chest, threatening to spill out. “I don’t want to.”
Lawrence paused for a moment, and then nodded. “Alright, then-”
Adam made a frustrated noise, and embarrassingly felt tears begin to prickle at the corners of his eyes. “I don’t know why I get so angry.”
He watched his partner’s expression soften, which only served to make the tears bead up in earnest now.
“Adam, it’s-”
“ Don’t tell me it’s fine. It’s not fucking fine Lawrence, I mean- how can you be happy? How could you possibly be happy like this?”
“I am happy like this.” Lawrence said calmly, always so unshakably calm. Adam hated it- loved him.
“You were happy with Alison too, look how that turned out.” It was a low blow, and Adam knew it- as soon as the words left his mouth, he wished that he could snatch them back out of the air. He watched Lawrence’s head jerk slightly, hurt flash in his eyes.
“If you’re still looking for an argument, then leave.” Lawrence’s voice was firm, and the horrible, roiling anger in Adam’s stomach raged against it.
“Can you stop being so fucking calm for a second? You have to be a little angry- you have to be sick of it.”
Lawrence stared at him. “What do you want, Adam? Do you want me to shout at you? To hit you? To justify whatever self-loathing you’re feeling right now? I’m not going to do that.”
Adam wanted to fucking scream. He didn’t even know what he was angry at, anymore. “I want you to- I just-”
Mortified, his breathing caught on a half-sob. “What the fuck are you still doing here, Lawrence? Why the fuck would you want this? Why the fuck would you want me ?”
Lawrence said nothing, and Adam felt words spilling out of him again. “I’m- I’m angry, and I’m lazy, and I won’t quit smoking, and I leave my shit everywhere all the time, and you just- you take care of me, you never complain. Aren’t you tired ?”
He felt tears, wet on his face now, and he scrubbed at them with the back of his hand. “You deserve better than this. I’m not- I’m not…”
Lawrence’s expression had turned unreadable again, and Adam watched as he got out of the bed, fixing on his prosthetic and making his way across the room. His breathing was harsh in his own ears, the embarrassment starting to suffocate him. In his fear, he had probably pushed the man away more, had probably fucked up the best thing that had ever happened to him. He didn’t know what he would do with himself.
You’ll end up alone.
Fear turned the blood in his veins to ice for a moment. “Lawrence, I’m sor-”
Lawrence cut him off with a hand wave, and Adam frowned as he rifled through his own sock drawer, his expression exasperated.
“I was going to book a restaurant.”
Adam felt stupid, his brain struggling to keep up with what was happening. “You- what?”
“Diana was going to come down from college- where is it- she was going to help me organise it.” Lawrence’s voice was softer now as his hands continued to search, fond in the way it usually got when he talked about his daughter. Adam felt another sob catch in his throat. He loved them both so much- Diana had been as unexpected as her father was, but now Adam couldn’t imagine his life without the girl.
Lawrence finally turned then, a small jewellery box lying on his palm.
Adam’s mind screeched to a halt, and for a moment his mind was perfectly blank. He stared at the box, his brain struggling to make sense of what he was looking at.
Lawrence turned the box on his palm, and then hinged it open, revealing a ring, embedded in soft foam covered in silk.
Adam’s lips parted slightly in surprise. His voice came out strangled, weak. “Lawrence”
He watched his partner smile softly. “Amanda helped me to pick it out, I wanted it to be perfect for you.”
It was perfect- a mainly plain silver band, with a black inlay design. Adam’s hand moved almost of their own volition, fingertip brushing against the smooth metal. It was beautiful.
“I love you, Adam.” Lawrence’s hand caught his own, fingers squeezing gently. “You don’t get to decide whether I’m happy or not. I am … even when you’re being kind of a shithead.”
The unexpected curse word startled a shaky, wet laugh out of Adam, and then he was crying.
Lawrence chuckled, and Adam felt his lips press to his temple, his lips tickling slightly as he spoke again. “Is that a yes, then?”
Adam nodded, sniffling and then turning his head to press their lips together, moving his hand up to rest on the back of Lawrence’s neck. They kissed for a moment, before Lawrence broke it off to pick up the ring with his fingers.
“Can I?”
Adam nodded, watching as Lawrence lifted his hand up, sliding the ring onto his finger. It fit perfectly. He stared at it for a moment, before looking back up at Lawrence.
“You really want to marry me?” His voice came out annoyingly vulnerable, the question oddly childish once it was said out loud.
“I really, really do.” Lawrence kissed him again, a chaste press of lips. “I have for a while, actually.”
Adam sniffed, wiping his face again. “Sorry, I- god, I must look awful.”
Lawrence brought his hand up, kissing right where the ring was. His hair fell down over his face slightly, blond curls slipping out of their usual styled form. Adam’s heart skipped, and he felt the cold metal on his finger, shivering a little. “You look perfect.”
“I love you.”
He felt Lawrence’s hand tighten on his wrist slightly. “And I love you. Come on, you need to drink some water. Your head must hurt by now.”
Adam’s chest felt like it could burst again- from love, instead of anger this time. He knew that he would continue to have bad days, that that anger would never fully go away and would always stay with him. Still though, it felt distant now, dormant as he watched his partner- his fiancé - grab him a bottle of water, sitting him on the side of the bed and then disappearing through the door- probably in search of painkillers, if Adam knew the man at all.
His ex-girlfriend's words came back to him again, for a moment, and for the first time since she had said them he wanted to laugh, staring down at the ring on his finger. If only younger him had known.
He heard the quiet noise of Lawrence moving around the kitchen- their kitchen, in their house. Their shared life that they had created together.
He smoothed his thumb over the metal, smiling to himself as the song changed on the record playing, the soft and familiar sounds of Aerosmith reaching his ears.
The rest of his life stretched out ahead of him all of a sudden- he had never felt that before, always too busy in the present to find the energy to care about the future all that much. Now though? He couldn’t wait to see what it would bring.