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“May I have your attention, please. The library will be closing in five minutes…”
Murtagh looked up from his Animal Crossing game, out the window he was sitting by. Dad still wasn’t here, and he would be mad if the librarian called the cops again to take him home; therefore, Murtagh would have to go somewhere else instead of waiting outside the public library and keeping the librarian from being able to go home.
He unplugged his charger from under the table, stuffing it with his Switch and his new books into his Darth Vader backpack. He didn’t even like Star Wars, which made it very annoying when other kids complimented it.
He almost made it out without being noticed, but she called his name, stopping him in his tracks. “Where’s your dad?”
So she had also noticed no cars waiting at the curb. Great. Murtagh had to think fast. “I’m meeting my friends at the park.” Nevermind that he didn’t have friends. She didn’t know that. Unless she did, because librarians knew everything.
He wished the librarian was his mom. Even though she had so many kids coming through to play on the computers and get books and go to craft time, she had time for him. Ms. Emily remembered he liked animal books, and she was always nice to him. Unlike the upstairs librarian who had embarrassed him once over his smelling like cigarettes or weed.
When he wasn’t reading his books he kept them in his backpack so they would stay clean for Ms. Emily. Dad hadn’t always smoked in the house, but after the divorce requiring him to sell the good house, he didn’t care about their shitty apartment.
The old house had a lot of good hiding spots when his parents were screaming.
Mom had stopped smoking for Eragon. /Not for me./ Not even when he had accidentally burnt himself laying a hand onto a table when he hadn’t seen her cigarette burning on it. By the time his crying had stopped, Mom’s apologies were drenched in her own tears. He had told her it was okay.
It wasn’t okay. It would never be okay, except for when he was at the library. But the library closed early on Fridays, and he couldn’t get the police involved again. This made him think of the first time CPS had descended upon them; one time at school his class was talking about what they most wanted in life. The other kids had wished for the new iPhone or to be a firefighter or to be a Pokémon master. Murtagh hadn’t contributed to the discussion, but then the teacher had found where he had written he wanted his dad to quit drinking and mom to come home. This had earned him a trip to the counselor. Do not pass go do not collect $200.
But that was in first grade. He wouldn’t make that mistake again, just like he couldn’t let the librarian call the police again. If he didn’t cause any more problems he would be safe. The past several years had really aged him beyond third grade.
“Did you have a good day at school?” Ms. Emily asked.
“No. I’m in trouble again. Mr. Oromis sent me to Principal Galbatorix.”
His morning had started out well enough. He’d gotten a break from fractions in Dad’s math class; they had been watching Bill Nye the Science Guy instead. Murtagh wasn’t sure why–well, if he was hungover, but why science in math class?--though he definitely wasn’t going to ask. There was a distinct lack of math related VHS tapes on the market he supposed. He suspected Dad could get away with anything in his classes as long as Galbatorix was principal.
His reading time before lunch had been good too. He had the most Accelerated Reader points every year. The school librarian, Brom, had fought to get Murtagh moved to a different English teacher when the first one of the year had tried to tell him not to read above his grade level. Fuck that, he had been reading Redwall since last year. Dad had all those books at home and the Tolkien legendarium.
But Murtagh hated Brom. He had taken Mom away.
Now she had a better husband and a better kid. Everything was about Eragon. Murtagh might as well not exist.
“I didn’t even start it,” he told Ms. Emily, “But I’m always the troubled kid who should be punished. Everything has to be Murtagh’s fault, no, we don’t care what happened and what anyone else was doing! Don’t defend yourself! Just take it so they can do it again! We don’t even want to know what happened! You know better than this, Murtagh. This is why we don’t bring video games to school. You’re smarter than this, Murtagh, aren’t you? You wait until your father hears about this. Do they think my father gives a fuck?” He stopped, recognizing the discomfort on Ms. Emily’s face that always emerged when someone was shocked by his language.
It made him so mad. He had been minding his own damn business on the playground, sitting peacefully with his Animal Crossing game, working on his village and listening to the relaxing music, swinging lightly. Then suddenly his earphones had been torn away and he was surrounded by fourth graders pushing him out of the swing and mocking his “baby” game.
It had been a struggle to get up, because the other boys were quick to push him back down and kick him while one of them took the game. By the time Murtagh could force his way up his nose was bleeding and he was prying someone’s hand off his neck.
“This is a girl game! You gay? Look at this stupid, gay little baby game.”
Then his cousin Roran was rushing over, while asking, “These clowns bothering you?” Once he punched one of the four, two of them ran off, and he proceeded to hammer the one possessing the console with a stapler until he surrendered it.
Eragon, tiny kindergartener Eragon, wasn’t far behind. When he caught up he was fearlessly defending him, “Murtagh’s so COOL! My brother is the COOLEST PERSON I KNOW! Leave him alone! Go away!”
Murtagh took his game back from Roran, and when the remaining fourth grader grabbed a handful of Murtagh’s hair and pulled hard while he had been putting the Switch away into his backpack, he pulled out a Warrior Cats book to beat his enemy with. “Fuck you! Go die!” When the enemy tried to slap him Murtagh grabbed his wrist to bite his hand mercilessly.
“Oh no, it’s Mr. Oromis!” Eragon exclaimed, flailing. Roran hid his bloodied stapler.
As was Murtagh’s luck, Mr. Oromis had only seen the action of Murtagh smacking the other kid in the head, biting until the kid was screaming and bleeding, and had heard his language. “Principal’s Office! NOW!”
“But–”
“MURTAGH.”
“They–”
“Shut up!” Mr. Oromis grabbed him by his elbow, escorting him. The playground had fallen silent.
Thinking back to the time spent in the principal’s office had his stomach turning with nausea. He needed to think of anything else… bringing his attention back to the present he took some new bookmarks to stuff into his backpack and a library event page too. Tomorrow he would hopefully see his mom and brother for the weekend, and maybe Eragon would want to see the animals a real scientist was bringing for the library kids to meet.
He followed Miss Emily around the library as she was turning off lights and grabbing her purse, asking about the animal program. He learned there would be a baby kangaroo and a snake.
“Are you afraid of snakes?” she asked. He shook his head no. He wondered if she assumed he was just acting brave because boys weren’t supposed to be afraid of snakes, but he really did love all the animals… but horses were his favorites. And dragons. By extension, snakes were interesting too. But lizards were cooler. He wished he had a bearded dragon lizard, ever since Miss Emily got him into Anne McCaffrey’s books. Animals were better than people. People with pets were the luckiest people in the world and probably didn’t even know it.
On his walk through the parking lot and across the street to the park, the gray sky opened into a light rain that steadily grew colder. At the swings he untied the jacket around his waist to put on before he sat, slowly swinging as he realized he didn’t know how he was going to get home. Maybe now Dad would let him have a phone. His shitty iPod Touch no longer would connect to any Wifi.
He continued swinging for a while until the park was dark and quiet. The tennis courts were the last to be abandoned, then since he was alone Murtagh went to go climb playground equipment to walk across the bridges and go down the slides, imagining an adventure in some far away land where he would never have to go home.
But eventually he was hungry. All he’d eaten today was macaroni at school and a chocolate chip poptart on the walk to the library. He had spent the last of his money in the library’s used book shop and getting a coke in the library cafe, so he supposed it was time to start heading home.
It was harder to navigate in the rain. As it came down harder, everything started looking the same. One intersection was indistinguishable from the next. He was sure he had missed where he needed to cross the street, but he kept walking.
Now that his socks were wet this wasn’t fun anymore. The path became darker and the night colder. Several times during the journey cars swerved uneasily away from him or abruptly stopped, honking and flashing painful lights, although he was on the sidewalk where he was supposed to be.
There were lights in the distance. He persevered until a crosswalk where the road split toward downtown came into view. He followed this path until a barely-dressed woman stepped out of a bar to hit her weed vape under an awning and asked what he was doing out here. Murtagh turned around, expecting she was talking to someone else, but there was no one around him. He shivered, arms crossed. “I’m… trying to get home…”
“Where’s your mom?”
Murtagh shrugged. As if Selena gave a damn what he was doing?
The prostitute turned away from him to exhale her smoke then offered her free hand. “Come here, you have to get out of this rain. You look like a drowned rat.” They couldn’t go into the bar she was previously in that carded everyone who walked in, but she guided him down the street to a smoke-filled dive bar on the corner that didn’t bother with that.
“What’s your name, sweetie?” she asked over the music. He couldn’t hear her. They went upstairs where it wouldn’t be as loud, and he thought the wooden stairs felt like he was on a pirate ship now.
“I’m Murtagh.”
“Hi, Murtagh. I’m Christina. Can you tell me where you live? Can we call your mom?”
The speakers were louder now that karaoke was starting. She couldn’t hear him, and then he wandered off to go downstairs where the pool table, arcade games, and a pinball machine were.
“Can I have quarters?” he asked when she caught up. She dug some change out of her purse then went to get her next drink. She got held up chatting with some folks at the bar, which was fine with Murtagh because he wanted to play Pac-Man.
When he was out of quarters, he watched some guys playing pool. When Christina returned to him she offered to teach Murtagh how to play. It was hard at first, but he learned quickly how to shoot with a focused intention to keep from slipping like he had his first try.
“Why’s there a kid in here?” he heard someone question, but several onlookers were getting invested in his progress. Thunderous applause was set off when he knocked two balls into different pockets in one move. Some guy grabbed a stick, wanting to show him how to jump the cue over one ball to bump one behind it and see if he could get that move down. It took several tries until Murtagh figured out a feel for it and different way to hold the stick for better reach.
“Who wants to play him for five dollars and a beer?” Christina asked.
He lost more games than he won, but that he won any of them was awesome, she assured him. She gasped at the time when she looked at her phone. It had really gotten away from them. “Okay, seriously, we have to call your parents. It’s really late.” She tried to hand him the phone, but Murtagh shook his head. He didn’t WANT to call Dad, and he didn’t know Mom’s number off the top of his head.
“I’ll just go, it sounds like the rain is–” Thunder roared. No, it wasn’t better at all.
“Are your parents at work? Did you get separated from them downtown?” she asked.
“I was at the library. That’s where I go after school, but they close early on Fridays, and my dad doesn’t want the police called again. You aren’t going to call them are you?”
She could feel the fear that lurked behind Murtagh’s words. What was she supposed to do if not call the police? She couldn’t just let him go wander around in the middle of the night. “Let me call your dad. It’ll be okay. What’s his name?”
“Morzan.”
“Oh!” Her eyebrows lifted in surprise. What were the odds she knew him? “Morzan!” Now she felt stupid. Of course it was Morzan. Murtagh looked exactly like him except his eyes were both dark. She was frustrated Murtagh wouldn’t give her his phone number. She returned to the bar to ask the bartender if he had any of his contact information. It turned out he did, but the attempt to call him resulted in a message that the number had been disconnected.
“Can we play pool again?” Murtagh asked, pulling on the hem of her dress to get her attention.
“No. We’re leaving. We’re going to find someone who can get in touch with Morzan since you are being difficult.”
“I’m not being difficult. I don’t remember the number. He got a new phone. I’m hungry; can we get a snack?”
They walked to the McDonald’s down the street. When it came time for Murtagh’s order, Christina looked to him expectantly. “Well? What do you want Murtagh? You can get whatever you want.”
“Oh.” He wasn’t accustomed to choosing for himself when he wasn’t alone. He was especially delighted when she asked if he wanted an oreo mcflurry too. At their table he thanked her as they unwrapped their food and stuck straws into their sodas. He wished Christina was his mom.
“Want to see my village?” he asked, pulling the Switch out of his backpack.
“Sure!”
Their next stop was the casino. Christina was confused when Murtagh didn’t follow her out of the car. She opened her door again to look across the way at him. “What are you doing? We’re here.”
“I have my books.” Murtagh said, clicking on the overhead light. “I always wait in the car while my dad’s in the casino.”
“He… leaves you here?”
“Yeah, but I have my books.”
“That isn’t okay… Come on.”
There was a lot to see in the casino, and Murtagh was angry his dad never told him about horse betting. This whole time he’d been sitting in the car waiting for Dad when there were horses to watch? Why had he never told him the casino had HORSES?
“Yeah, just sit here and watch the horses, and I’ll be right back, okay?” Christina said when Murtagh sat down close to a screen replaying the day’s races. “I’m going to go talk to the bartenders and the blackjack dealers.”
“I like blackjack. Can we play?”
“No, you’ll get kicked out. You’re not allowed at the tables. You’re not really supposed to be here at all but you definitely can’t play.”
Fifteen minutes later she returned with the news his dad was on the way to get him.
“... Did he sound mad…?” Murtagh asked.
“No, not at all.”
He didn’t believe her. “How do you know him?” he inquired.
She had no idea how to answer so pretended she didn’t hear him over the sounds of the slot machines. It felt wrong to lie to the kid.
“You didn’t tell me they have HORSES here.” was the first thing Murtagh said when Morzan arrived, glaring up at him. Christina barely caught under the boy’s breath, “Bitch…”
Morzan lit a cigarette and gave one to her. “How much of a problem has he been?”
“He’s such a sweet kid.” she said as Morzan sat at the closest slot machine and inserted twenty dollars. “He’s been a delight. How are you?”
“Good.”
She sat beside him. He passed her his lighter, and after she had her cigarette burning and took a couple drags she repeated herself, softer, “Really though, how are you? I haven’t talked to you since the divorce. How are things going?”
He laughed humorlessly. “They’re going.”
She watched for a moment as he steadily won and lost and won and lost some spins. “Morzan. It’s late. Please take your son home. He’s had a long day, and he shouldn’t be in all this smoke.”
“This won’t take long. I’ll stop if I double the twenty.”
Murtagh spoke up, “Christina got me a cheeseburger AND chicken nuggets AND a McFlurry.” She ate her fries in the ice cream like a freak but Murtagh looked past it because she was nice.
Morzan glanced to him then to Christina. “So I owe you what, twelve dollars?”
“No.” she said as Murtagh huffed. He hadn’t commented on it to bring up money but rather to point out she was better than Morzan.
“How do you know Christina?” Murtagh asked Morzan.
“She used to work at the strip club.” he said, unbothered by talking about it. Christina felt… concerned… that Murtagh didn’t question what that meant.
Murtagh however casually asked, “Did you have sex?” This made Morzan laugh. But when Murtagh looked at Christina she looked… sad.
“Does he know what he’s asking? Why would he know anything about what that means?” she asked Morzan, lowering her voice.
Murtagh didn’t know why it was a bad thing for him to know. Adults never made any damn sense. They wanted to convey that sex was a normal part of life, but then they would also be so ashamed that it existed that it was very bad to know about it. The dichotomy was ridiculous.
When it was time to go, first he gave Christina a big hug. He had to stop himself from saying /I wish you were my mom./ Talking about his feelings always brought bad things, and he was already afraid of what Morzan would say to him in the car. Also it wouldn’t be fair for her to be stuck with Morzan. It was selfish to wish that on her. /I don’t deserve that anyway./
What a sweet little boy. Christina was incredibly touched by the hug. “Have a good weekend, Murtagh.” She unzipped her purse and after a moment of pilfering she found what she was looking for. She gave him a card with her phone number on one side and a lipstick print on the other. “If you get into trouble again, I’ll get you home if I can, okay?” She understood it was better than pissing Morzan off by calling the police from the library.
Then they caught up with Morzan. She touched his arm, gently pulling him aside. Murtagh wandered to a nearby drink station to dispense hot chocolate into a styrofoam cup. Christina said to Morzan, “Hey. Murtagh has a knack for billiards. He’s… so much like you.” /And that worries me./ “You know a kid watches everything you do, right? He’s listening. He’s watching.” /Why can’t you do better?/ “Do you need help?”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
She whispered, “He’s so afraid of you, Morzan.” He would be in fourth grade soon, but he carried with him so much trauma and sadness and anger no child should endure.
His eyes grew cold. “... What did he tell you.”
“He didn’t have to tell me anything! I can hear it whenever he speaks of you!”
“You don’t know shit. You aren’t going to criticize me based on the dramatics of a child begging for attention. GOOD NIGHT, Christina.”
The car ride was stressful because it was so quiet. Murtagh stared out the window, and neither said a word. When they got home Murtagh picked up the laptop in the living room, heading to his bedroom with it.
“WHAT are you doing?” Morzan finally spoke. He approached and pulled the laptop out of his arms.
“I wanted to play Neopets.”
“1. It’s almost 2 in the morning, and 2. I have TOLD you: do not take my computer without asking me first so I can clear it. It’s time for bed. Go to bed.”
“Okay…” This felt like a trap. Why hadn’t Dad said anything about the night’s adventure? All because he’d gotten lost in the dark rain… Then there was also the issue of being in trouble at school today. There was no reason for him to be spared from a big fight about what a disappointing burden he was. “The library closes early on Fridays.” Murtagh stated.
“Okay.”