Work Text:
Winter is here, which means Rei is destined to stay mostly indoors all day to avoid the biting touches of frost nipping at his skin. Today, he’s sitting on Kaoru’s bed reading a book; both of his partner’s roommates are gone for the rest of the week on separate work trips and he’d much rather stay in the comfort of Kaoru’s dorm than return to his own. Kaoru himself had texted a few minutes ago that he would return to the dorms in a moment – he had sounded a little more tired than earlier after letting Rei inside several hours earlier, and Rei is anticipatory of his own role of comfort tonight, one that falls in between the pages of fiction in his hands and his careful vigilance of the door.
The door makes a clicking sound, an indicator of someone unlocking it, and after a moment, it swings open to reveal Kaoru, looking a little worse for wear. Somehow, he seems to have gotten more drained since leaving earlier, but his eyes still light up like normal when he sees Rei, making a beeline towards him.
Rei smiles and lifts the book he’s holding, letting Kaoru fall uninhibited into his lap. He’s warm to the touch, radiating a comforting heat that envelops Rei whole, and he watches fondly as Kaoru mumbles incoherently and burrows his face into Rei’s chest, arms curling around his back to anchor himself in place.
“Hello, Kaoru-kun,” Rei says, unable to keep that sickening enamour from his voice. He puts down his book in favor of wrapping his arms around the other. One hand slowly cards through Kaoru’s hair, and he notes with no small amount of satisfaction how Kaoru shudders under his touch and relaxes, practically melting into his lap.
“Hey.” Kaoru’s voice is muffled but no less fond. “Sorry.”
“What are you apologizing for?”
“Mm. Bothering you, I guess. Taking up your time.”
“I always have time for you,” Rei murmurs, tilting his face down so he can kiss the top of Kaoru’s head. “Aside from being in your room, I very much enjoy your presence, no matter how you feel.”
“I know.” Kaoru’s grip tightens a little on Rei. It’s hard to remember , is what he doesn’t say.
Rei understands. They’re both trying these days, and the whirl of idol activity makes it easier to forget smaller insecurities. While Rei has grown more comfortable with sharing his burdens with others, Kaoru sometimes has the unfortunate habit of festering in them, letting them drain his energy levels in nearly unnoticeable increments until they become too much for him to handle.
At least Rei can take some pride in being one of the only people Kaoru goes to at the end of the day like this, one of the only presences Kaoru can stand at such limited energy.
They sit there for a while in silence. Rei keeps up the movement, watching how Kaoru’s hair spills around his fingers, almost seeming to glow in the sunlight streaming in from the window nearby. It’s distracting how beautiful he is, even face down and obviously in need of recharging. Even extroverts run out of battery soon enough, he muses, curling a strand around his finger.
Kaoru is starting to shift a little in the time Rei has been absorbed in his hair, so Rei gently digs the blunt ends of his nails along Kaoru’s scalp. The other makes a noise halfway between a satisfied groan and a sigh and becomes pliable again. His grip has loosened a little from around Rei’s back, but he’s far from asleep, simply basking in Rei’s presence.
After waiting a bit and making sure Kaoru is content, Rei picks his book up again, holding it a little above Kaoru’s head with one hand. His free hand switches between turning pages and running through golden strands, distantly aware of their breathing lining in the rise and fall of their chests, Kaoru’s heartbeat thudding somewhere on his stomach, the direct heat seeping through his clothes and warming him to the point where he feels like he’s on fire. It’s not an uncomfortable feeling, however, and Rei honestly is rather content with remaining like this forever.
“Kaoru-kun?” he says after a moment, eyes still tracking along the page but no longer processing the words.
“Mm?”
“How was your work? You had an interview today didn’t you?” He recalls something like that on Kaoru’s schedule for today.
“Yeah.” Kaoru shifts sideways so his face is no longer pressed against Rei. There’s a faint indentation on his cheek from the fold of Rei’s clothing and Rei resists the urge to trace a finger over it. “We went over the allotted time, which is fine but I woke up earlier than usual to do that radio show and after the live show last night, I think I used up all my mental stamina for the day.”
“I see.” Rei lowers his hand a little to Kaoru’s shoulder, massaging absently at his arm. There’s a lot Kaoru didn’t tell him despite all his words, the implications and intricacies left for Rei to pull apart on his own. He would, though. He would do anything for him.
‘Anything’ just about sums up what Kaoru does for him as well. They don’t hold a transactional relationship, not at all, but Kaoru likes to give so much to him in return for what he says Rei has given him during their time at Yumenosaki. His care, his love, his trust. Rei aches with being given such a gift, to be given a partner who is so understanding and open to him now. The traces of it during their high school years are now being allowed in full bloom, even on the coldest winter night.
Are you feeling better? is what he doesn’t say. Kaoru’s answer varies depending on his mood and Rei has since learned that it’s easier to let actions do the talking. Is this helping? I love you. I love you so much. I’m glad you can come to me when you’re having a bad day. I love you.
The words battle themselves to a standstill on his tongue. Kaoru, oblivious to Rei’s internal struggle, sits up finally, evading the book above his head at the last moment. Rei immediately mourns the lack of contact, the loss of the source of heat even though he’s near sweating from it already.
But Kaoru doesn’t go far – he merely scoots back so he’s sitting next to Rei, shoulders pressed together. Rei resists the urge to lay his head on the other’s shoulder; while he knows Kaoru wouldn’t mind as much as he used to, he’d like to keep his yearning on the downlow today before it gets any more painful to hold it in.
“Hey, how was your day though? Tenshouin-kun didn’t bother you as much this morning, did he?”
Rei can recognize the question for what it is: Kaoru’s attempt at diverting the attention away from himself. It’s a habit not yet broken, but Rei will follow it to keep the other comfortable. The moment is too precious not to break.
“Not as much, no.” Rei stretches, yawns. Kaoru shifts to accommodate for the extra arm space. A small gesture, but not unappreciated. “Luckily, he has other things to attend to today. I hardly care enough for his duties, just his schedule of appearances in the dorm room.”
Kaoru laughs quietly. At a side glance, his eyes appear to be fixated on something past the opposite wall, present in the moment but lost in his thoughts at the same time. “He seemed to be a little swamped with Saegusa-kun when I saw him last. I feel a little sorry for them both~”
“Incredibly understandable. I believe both of them possess personality traits that leave them eager to outdo one another. It creates a rather interesting atmosphere.” There’s a moment’s pause before Rei puts the book face down on his lap and turns so he’s facing Kaoru fully now. “Ah, Kaoru-kun?”
“Hm?” Kaoru looks at him, and even though he looks tired, his eyes are still clear and focused on Rei, as if he were the only thing in this world worth paying attention to. The fluorescent lights are hardly flattering but the artificial shine bounces off the curves of his face, highlighting that faded white scar just above his left eyebrow, the sunkissed freckles across his nose and cheeks–
Rei realizes abruptly that whatever he was about to ask has completely left his mind. Gone entirely. He’d be so flabbergasted at his sudden pause in thought if not for the fact that Kaoru has semi-consistently been leaving him speechless lately. Kaoru, however, doesn’t even miss a beat before his expression melts into one of concern.
“Are you feeling okay, Rei-kun?”
“Mm, I simply forgot what I was going to say.” Rei chuckles to waive the embarrassment he suddenly feels, and looks away. “It seems an old man like me gets distracted a little too easily these days.”
Kaoru’s face scrunches, all concern gone in place of exasperation. “Forgetting is a normal thing, you know? It’s not just an ‘old man’ thing.”
“Ah, yes,” Rei hums, smiling. “But forgetting more easily is a sign of aging, is it not?”
“You don’t forget that much,” Kaoru protests, though from his returning smile, he’s falling into the same song and dance that they play every moment they spend together. “How else would you be able to perform if you forgot? You still remember the lyrics to our songs, don’t you? And you are pretty good with remembering all of our work schedules, even if you don’t always get up on time– hey, are you listening?”
No, Rei absolutely is not listening. He’s too engrossed with Kaoru to hear the words coming from his mouth – he’s sure whatever his unit partner is saying is not as important as watching Kaoru’s lips shape the letters and sounds and his eyes squint as he speaks. Kaoru’s brightness is overwhelming even when he’s exhausted and spent, but always somehow saves a bit of energy just for Rei. And he feels grateful to just be allowed a little piece, all to himself.
“--Rei-kun? Rei-kun.” Kaoru is waving a hand in front of his face, and Rei blinks. “You’re spacing out. Are you seriously okay? You don’t need to rest now, do you?”
Ah, he’s taken too long to come down from his schoolgirl crush high. As a little humiliating as it is, Rei can only laugh briefly and shake his head.
“No, I am just fine, Kaoru-kun.”
Kaoru doesn’t look like he believes him, so Rei adds, “I haven’t felt this alive during the winter in a while. I was simply reminiscing on it.”
Which is one way to put that he’s just been mooning over his friend right in front of him, but he hardly cares to bother with the details. At least Kaoru accepts it as an answer too, judging by the way the concern once again melts from his expression and turns into an upturned smile.
“Geez, well do that when I’m not talking to you, okay? I almost thought I lost you.”
“You could never lose me, Kaoru-kun.” Rei means it so wholeheartedly, it almost hurts to speak, to say words bordering on something of a boundary he had never dared cross before. “Because if I were lost, you’d always find me again.”
And if you were the one lost, I’d brave hell’s worst terrors just to see you again.
Kaoru stares at him, expression unfolding from confusion into understanding and then there’s a level of fondness in his gaze that Rei nearly finds terrifying to look at. But it’s Kaoru he’s looking at, the man he had dragged alongside him into the pits of hell, and the man who chose to stay by his side even after everything. He can’t be afraid of him – he isn’t afraid of him. He merely is afraid of the affection he holds for him, the emotions that pile up inside of him at just a mere speck of hope, a small sign that he might.. just might…
“I would always find you, Rei-kun.” And Kaoru is smiling at him, unaware of Rei’s inner turmoil. His hand is on Rei’s arm now, gripping so tightly it might be painful, but to Rei, it feels more like an anchor, grounding him. “No matter the cost.”
Rei inhales. Exhales. Weighs his decisions for a split second, decides it isn’t worth the thought, and opens his mouth.
“I do love you, Kaoru-kun. I hope you know this.”
And it feels like a millennium as Kaoru’s eyes widen. Rei expects the pushback, that recoil he’s seen with Kaoru over the years – lessened but never truly gone. He expects a nudge into platonic territory, assumption for love as a friend, and he’s prepared to laugh at himself, both for entertaining the idea of romance and to make Kaoru feel less uncomfortable with the whole situation.
But then Kaoru’s gaze softens again and Rei swears he can almost see the relief in his eyes, that tenderness that he had thought was only reserved for girls and impromptu dates but is now directed at him .
He dares to hope for a second, heart soaring in his chest, bursting into a thousand butterflies that flit wildly through his lungs.
And Kaoru laughs, a soft one, like he can’t believe he’s considered this turn of events either. “I love you too, Rei-kun. Really.”