Work Text:
Maybe you like danger.
Maybe you like danger a lot.
Maybe you are used to going into danger alone, or with allies who can only ever be temporary.
Maybe you like it that way, going alone.
Maybe you’re used to it that way.
(Maybe you don’t necessarily like it more.)
Maybe you’re facing something confusing and new.
Maybe you’re dealing with the confusing and the new by doing what you would do anyway, if you were still alone. Like normal. (You think.)
Maybe you don’t care that you’re not alone, and maybe you’re only pretending not to care, but maybe it doesn’t matter.
Maybe you think it would be weirder to acknowledge it’s different, that having him is different.
Maybe soulmates are weird.
You were so angry when you died, the both of you, went down to Red, because it was so stupid. You were so stupid. You know better, first the enderman and now this? The danger was fun, but… stupid. Don’t go out this early, not this time…
You’re angry because everyone saw you be stupid, the both of you, and watched you die.
(You can still hear Scott’s words, too late.
Couldn’t’ve spoken up sooner, could you, Scott?)
You are not going to be the laughingstocks of the server. Etho would shrug, Etho would make a dumb joke, Etho would let it go. But now he’s your soulmate, and no one’s going to look at you, the both of you, like that.
So you kill Pearl.
Too fast for anyone to see you, the both of you, as a joke. You killed and you taunted the dead and you let yourself enjoy it all, the Red rushing through your veins. You would have killed her again and it’s wonderful.
And he’s there with you.
You’re not alone.
You would have thought, if you’d been thinking, that he’d go to the side, watch you and make light hearted jokes about his crazy soulmate. You wouldn’t have minded — you never expected better.
You never expected Etho.
Etho who is still with you, in Red. Etho who is still with you in danger, Etho who is with you as you hysterically threaten his friends, Etho who backs you up to your friend (if you can really call someone a friend when they let you die… you’re not about to forget that one. Scott.)
You wake up every day, go to sleep every night, more and more surprised that Etho doesn’t leave. You can’t trust it, so you act out a little more, don’t bother smoothing some of the rougher edges, and Etho… stays. He’s your teammate and your soulmate, and it seems like he’s your friend and sometimes you catch him looking and maybe…
You know that’s too dangerous, to even let yourself think the question, because if you think the question, you’ll imagine an answer. Then you’ll have an idea, and they say those are the most dangerous things in the world, ideas — though you think if you had enough knives and TNT, you could give “ideas” a run for their money.
But you can’t use knives or TNT to get an idea out of your head — at least not so far — and your head is where your crazy is — or is it everywhere, is it your body and your head, and you think that’s some philosophical question but all that matters is it’s too dangerous to let yourself imagine Etho being more — and now you’ve done it.
Fuck.
Because if Etho was yours — more than a friend or a soulmate — everything would be… you can’t think about it. It’s dangerous, because if you want something, you are terrible at not having it, at not trying for it. At letting sleeping dogs, or wolves, or foxes lie.
You know the danger. The danger is that you try, you fail, and now you’ve ruined it all, haven’t you Joel? You had something nice, and you tried for too much, what you can’t ever have. No friend, no soulmate, not even a teammate. More alone than you ever imagined was possible, knowing you had a soulmate out there, but having been torn apart - not torn apart. Thrown away. You’d be thrown away for daring to imagine something so insane, the idea that you could have more with Etho.
(They say ideas are more dangerous than knives or TNT…)
You will be the Boat Boys. You will kill, and you will have fun, and you will stay up laughing about nonsense, you will listen to his breath as he falls asleep across the room. You will enjoy every moment for what it is, and not what it might be, or some bullshit like that.
How could the idea (dangerous idea) of more be worth risking what you have now?
How could anything be worth risking losing your teammate, your soulmate, your friend, your… Etho.
You bite your cheek rather than let yourself imagine, you shoot arrows at a tree rather than think of his arms around you, his lips on yours, you throw your bow on the ground and kick it in frustration.
You pace. You run. You scowl.
You try.
You try, night after night, harder each time, to banish the ideas, to look away from the danger.
You catch Etho watching, again, his face soft and warm.
You could pretend, again, that you didn’t see it.
You could play it safe, enjoy your time together, see how it all ends.
Maybe you like danger.