Work Text:
Hammy: yo I am super bored
T. Jeff: Hamilton, what the fuck does that have to do with me?
Hammy: well your jokes are so stupid, they’re funny
T. Jeff: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Hammy: Boo! That’s lame.
T. Jeff: too bad you only get one joke
Hammy: I bet burr can come up with better jokes
T. Jeff: Oh god, Alexander don’t you dare had him
Hammy added, “laws#1fan”
laws#1fan changes his user to “burr”
burr: what do you losers want
Hammy: say a joke
burr: no
Hammy: yes
burr: Nuh uh, never
Hammy: Boo
burr: I am adding Laurens
burr added, “booknerd”
booknerd: why am I here?
Hamny: ask burr
T. Jeff. Actually! Hamilton was being a stuck up bitch and added us all to a group chat.
booknerd: But Lex wouldn’t be rude? At least to me. You all suck.
burr: that’s so gay
T. Jeff: oh my gosh for once I agree with Burr!
T. Jeff: is that why you rejected Eliza?
Hammy: me and Laurens are not a thing.
booknerd: really? i thought we were tbh
Hammy: not here. tonight.
T. Jeff: So are you guys like friends with benefits.
Burr: I always guessed this.
T. Jeff: Pretty sure Washington and Lafayette betted on this.
Burr: I thought Lafayette betted on you
T. Jeff: he changed it last week.
Hammy: Wait, there were bets on who I will end up with? Who did you guys bet on?
T. Jeff; I think burr voted for Eliza, Eliza betted on Angelica, Angelica betted on me, I voted for Lafayette, Lafayette betted on Laurens, Laurens betted on Eliza.
Hammy: Laurens, you knew about this?
booknerd: yeah? they said you knew and were okay with it.
booknerd added “Washing Machine”
Washing Machine: Pretty sure I told you guys not to include me in anything.
Hammy: sorry washington.
Washing Machine: It’s alright, son!
Hammy: i am not your son.
T. Jeff: HE DID NOT
Burr: NO WAY
booknerd: lex, don’t be rude to your dad.
Washing Machine: Yeah, Alex
Hammy: fine sorry.
Burr: we are pretty sure hamilton and laurens are a thing
Washing Machine: HA ALL YOU BITCHS OWE ME 5 BUCKS!
T. Jeff: boo
Burr: frfr
booknerd: damn it, I should of betted on myself.
Hammy: we aren’t a thing.
booknerd: sure we aren’t dear. btw I am outside your door.
booknerd added Eliza
Eliza: hi everyone!
Hammy: hi eliza!
Burr: ELIZA WE ALL OWE LAFAYETTE AND WASHINGTON 5 BUCKS
Eliza: NO FUCKING WAY HAMILTON AND LAURENS ARE FINALLY A THING?
Washing Machine: I TOLD YOU GUYS. THEY BOTH WERE THEATER KIDS TOGETHER. WAIT LAURENS WHY DIDN'T YOU BET ON YOURSELF.
T.Jeff: because he didn’t want to raise suspicion that they fuck.
booknerd: Well we weren’t a thing yet.
Hammy: we still aren’t a thing.
booknerd: sureeee we aren’t
Eliza: That is so gen z of you Laurens, didn’t know you had it in you.
T. Jeff: aren’t we all technically gen Z
Hammy: shut up you Millennial
booknerd: we are all gen z except for you and washington
Washing Machine: Why are you guys talking about how old we are? At least we don’t have a gen alpha with us.
T. Jeff: Boo. Also, Hamilshit come to Monticello. We need to discuss your plan.
Hammy: but do I have to? laurens is here
T.Jeff: just shut the fuck up and get your sorry ass over here before I deny your plan.
Hammy: Fine
Eliza: ha Hamilton is letting himself get bossed around
Burr: lmao
T. Jeff: OKAY SO HAMILTON, MADISON, AND I ARE SITTING AT A TABLE, RIGHT?
Hammy: bro I was drunk don’t tell them.
T. Jeff: HAMILTON GOT UP, ONTO THE TABLE AND SUNG LET IT GO AFTER MADISON SAID “we can’t let them know what we know”
Washing Machine: DID YOU GET A VIDEO?
T. Jeff: FUCK YEAH BEST BLACKMAILING SHIT RIGHT THERE.
Hammy: WAIT WHAT
T. Jeff: wait I have an idea
Washing Machine: if you are thinking what I think you are thinking then don’t do it.
T. Jeff: if you confess to simping over Laurens I will delete the video
Hammy: fine. I am a simp for Laurens
T. Jeff: HA WHORE I NEVER HAD A VIDEO. LMAO
Burr: you are amazing
Eliza: BRO THAT WAS GENIUS
Washing Machine: My office. Now.
T. Jeff added James
James changed their user to “ur mom”
burr: Madison, why the fuck is your name ur mom
ur mom: ur mom
Hammy: YAS SLAY MADISON
burr: what the fuck
Eliza: wtf
T. Jeff: what did I just read
Washing Machine: I think I just lost brain cells.
T. Jeff: let’s ignore that.. ALSO NEVER HAVE I EVER??
Hammy: fine but we all have to answer honestly.
burr: we all will.
T. Jeff: Never have I ever, fucked a man
Hammy: what the fuck bro?
burr: never
washing machine: never
Eliza: never
booknerd: I have. Lex don’t lie
T. Jeff: ITS TRUE HAMILTON AND LAURENS FUCK.
Washing machine: does anyone want to read a letter Hamilton sent Laurens.
burr: duh
Washing Machine: too bad
Hammy: thank you.
T. Jeff: also, guess what.
Hammy: what
T. Jeff: imagine fucking a man
Hammy: I have not!
T. Jeff: the shoe fits so wear it. duh.
Hammy: turn around bend over I’ll show you where my shoe fits
T. Jeff: that was pretty decent.
ur mom: it was
washing Machine: okay so I still haven’t gotten my 5 dollars and I don’t think Lafayette has either.
Washing Machine added French person
French person: what?
Hammy: they think Laurens and I fuck
booknerd: which we do by the way.
French person: PAY UP BITCHES
T. Jeff: Damn it
ur mom: So glad I was in Virginia when you made these bets because I would of betted on Eliza
Eliza: frfr? me? nah we are just friends
Hammy: just friends.
Eliza: you made that very clear when I asked you out. My ears still hurt.
booknerd: OH YEAH THAT WAS SO FUNNY
T. Jeff: I think I still have the video
Burr: Send it
Washing Machine: no, we aren’t being rude here.
Hammy: yeah guys!
Washing machine: but lucky for you guys I don’t give a fuck right now so bully Alex.
T. Jeff: HA YOUR DAD JUST WENT TO GET MILK ALEX. SUCKS TO SUCK
Hammy: HA YOUR WIFE JUST WENT TO GET MILK
burr: lmao
Eliza: isn’t Thomas and Martha divorced
T. Jeff: we are.
Hammy: WAIT DO Y’ALL REMEMBER MARIA FROM HIGH SCHOOL?
T. Jeff: isn’t she the chick that tried to take you on a date like a thousand times
Hammy: APPARENTLY SHE IS NOW WORKING IN OUR OPPONENT FIRM.
Washing Machine: well, send her our regards.
Hammy: BITCH PLEASE. SHE WAS OBSESSED WITH ME. NEVER KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING. NEVER SHOWED UP.
Washing Machine: let me guess. You wrote a fucking pamphlet hating on you.
Hammy: no it was an instagram post. Obviously you boomer.
T. Jeff: wait I remember that. James and I were laughing our asses off.
ur mom: OH YEAH. I MEAN IT WAS WELL WRITTEN BUT UNCALLED FOR.
Eliza: she basically followed Hamilton around.
French person: I remember that alex came home one day with a black eye.
Hammy: DON'T TELL THEM ABOUT IT
Eliza: but I already know
booknerd: I don’t know so tell us.
French person: Alex got into a fight with Maria after rejecting her. Alex looked absolutely ruined.
T. Jeff: oh so that’s what happened while I was in France
ur mom: rich ass
Washing machine: Wow. Poor Alex.
Hammy: nah it was the best day of my life.
T. Jeff: OKAY SO IT'S JAMES BIRTHDAY SO DO YOU GUYS WANT TO GO TO LASER TAG??? PLS ITS NOT FUN WITH TWO PEOPLE.
booknerd: I can’t. I can barely walk rn sorry james.
Hammy; sure I’ll go.
Washing Machine: I will go!
Eliza: of course.
French Person: fuck yea prepare to die suckers.
ur mom: thank you all. its Thomas, me, and alex on a team. and washington, eliza, and Laf on a team.
Hammy: damn it I am against Laf
Hammy: wait did you just call me Alex?
T. Jeff: why the fuck did you call Hamilton Alex?
ur mom: shit sorry Hamilton
Hammy: whatever
Eliza: hey, laurens why can’t you walk.
booknerd: I am exhausted lowkey
Washing Machine: let’s go.
French person: y’all suck ass at laser tag
ur mom: fuck you
T. Jeff: you cheated though
Hammy: I don’t give a fuck honestly
Washing machine: we won and you lost deal with it.
Hammy: sorry dad
Washing machine: it’s okay son
T. Jeff: FINALLY
ur mom: ABOUT DAMN TIME.
French Person: HA FINALLY WE WAITED FOR THIS
booknerd: for like a year
burr: so like I am super bored
Eliza: Alex is probably not bored. John is over.
Hammy:stfu
Washing machine: language!
Hammy: shit don’t look at the report I just sent you I have to change some things
T.Jeff: damn it must be nice to have Washington on your side
burr: frfr
ur mom:fr
Hammy: shut up! Washington treats everyone equally
Eliza: bffr
booknerd: ELIZA SWORE???
ur mom: NO FUCKING WAY
T. Jeff: WOW ELIZA DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.
French person: at every college party I have never heard a swore out of Eliza’s mouth
Hammy: same.
Eliza: technically I didn’t.
French person: damn. She's right though.
Hammy: damn it
ur mom: wow
booknerd: aw
Washing Machine: You all need to either 1. Use this group chat for work, or 2, remove me.
burr: no
Hammy: dad option 3 pls
Washing Machine: son, no.
Washing Machine left
Hammy: DAMN IT FUCK YOU GUYS
booknerd: okay, my name could be guys now.
ur mom: HAMILTON LAURENS MADE IT CLEAR YOU AND AND LAURENS FUCK.
burr; yeah we all know.
T. Jeff: shit could someone give me ten dollars so I could pay washington and laf.
Hammy: y’all suck ass