Chapter Text
Kurt had been invisible before freshman year of high school. He had been the only child of Burt Hummel, of Hummel Tires & Lube, and the auto shop employees all learned what a papa bear Burt was when that invisibility disappeared. That is, when Burt’s little girl, the summer before high school, began therapy and insisted on being his little boy instead.
While Burt Hummel easily accepted his son, Fairbrook Middle School wouldn't have accepted such a dramatic name change - Kurt had been around when Lucy Fabray tried to get teachers to call her by her middle name. Kurt also knew that he was going to be attending the same school that Fabray transferred to.
Principal Figgins couldn't care less what the government called someone, and Kurt Elizabeth Hummel was a nobody - except that he still wore the clothes he had owned pre-transition. Still, testosterone and binding worked wonders - enough so that the harassment was for being gay, in less pleasant words, but still. Kurt lucked out with his peers being ignorant. Freshman year had been completely terrifying, with every dumpster toss Kurt was praying nobody would notice his body wasn’t quite what would be expected, but McKinley jocks weren’t exactly known for their observation skills.
Burt was able to get their insurance to cover a double mastectomy due to his late wife’s death being from breast cancer, and Kurt had it the summer between freshman and sophomore year of high school.
Transitioning didn’t make Kurt’s problems disappear. I know my mom used to tell me how good it made her feel that I was such a happy kid, but honestly, I don't even remember what that would've even felt like. He was almost as comfortable in his body as he had been as a kid, but Kurt Hummel was still completely alone. Human beings needed friends to survive.
I feel like I could die tomorrow and I don't think anyone would really care. I'm not sure anyone would even notice.
Kurt was almost able to forget he was transgender by the time he joined Glee club. He had other problems in his life, with a new family, multiple unrequited crushes entirely due to the fact he was male, and seemingly endless harassment. Sometimes he regretted transitioning - being one of the boys never actually worked. Not when he was trying to impress his dad, and not when Mr. Schuester insisted upon it. Kurt knew if Mr. Schuester knew the truth, Kurt would be forced to work with the girls, which was not what Kurt wanted either. He just wanted to be respected, which was never going to happen at McKinley. Not even in Glee Club.
“Isn't this lesson about opposites? I mean, you in a sequined gown and a feather boa is exactly what you'd expect.” Artie was the voice of misogyny, as usual, and Kurt tried to push against it.
“Okay, who said anything about a gown?”
Only for their juvenile delinquent who had only just returned to try to make Kurt leave altogether. “Uh, dude, why don't you make yourself useful, and go put some rat poison in the old folks' Jell-O, or visit the garglers?” Kurt did just that.
“It's very civilized for you to invite me for coffee before you beat me up for spying.”
“We are not going to beat you up. You were such a terrible spy, we thought it was sort of... endearing.”
“Which made me think that spying on us wasn't really the reason you came.” Kurt didn’t tell them that he wasn’t sure he would be allowed at Dalton. Blaine seemed to understand that transferring wasn’t an option, and Kurt wrongly took Blaine’s advice.
“Hey, I am talking to you!”
“Girls’ locker room’s next door.”
“What is your problem?”
“Excuse me?”
“What are you so scared of?”
“Besides you sneaking in here to peek at my junk?”
“Oh, yeah, every straight guy's nightmare that all of us gays are secretly out to molest and convert you. Well, guess what, ham hock? You're not my type!”
“That right?”
“Yes, I don't dig on chubby boys who sweat too much and are going to be bald by the time they're 30.”
“Do not push me, Hummel.”
“You going to hit me? Do it.”
“Don't push me!”
“Hit me, 'cause it's not going to change who I am. You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!”
“I said get out of my face!”
“You are nothing but a scared little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!” Karofsky’s hands were on the back of Kurt’s neck, forcing him to accept being kissed by the larger boy.
Karofsky leaned in a second time, one hand no longer holding Kurt’s face but caressing him, moving lower, too low, if Kurt wasn’t so completely frozen in shock he would have pushed Karofsky away but he was unable to comprehend what was happening. What was happening. Large fingers dipped into Kurt’s waistband, he was pushed against lockers again, like he had been so many times before, but in such a different context, Kurt wasn’t moving, Kurt wasn’t doing anything and those fingers entered him, were somewhere Kurt didn’t even like touching, and the tongue inside Kurt’s mouth left. “Girls’ locker room, I was right, wasn’t I? There’s no junk down there. You’re a girl, just playing pretend. Liar.”
Kurt was shaking, shaking his head in denial but also just shaking in general. Karofsky punched the lockers next to Kurt and left. Kurt couldn’t. Kurt could still feel him inside of him and standing was just reminding him of what he had just endured, could he even call himself ‘he’? “You’re a girl, just playing pretend.” Kurt slid to the floor, tears in his eyes, the sensation of sitting finally removing the pain from his - his junk, the part of his body that he didn’t acknowledge existed most of the time but now - Karofsky would tell everyone. Everyone would know. Goddamn, everyone would know. Kurt couldn’t imagine - Kurt wished he was Coach Beiste for a moment, someone so repulsive other teenagers used the thought of him to make themselves less turned on. Someone nobody would ever dare kiss against his will because Beiste was powerful, was a force to be reckoned with, was - someone was entering the locker room? The door opened and Kurt startled. It was Coach Beiste, angrily packing up her stuff, unaware a student was in the room until Kurt used the lockers to help himself get up off the floor.
“Kurt? What’re you doing here? I thought you quit the team, that’s why Abrams joined?”
“I did. I - I’ll just be leaving now, sorry.”
“No need to apologize, you - have you been crying?” Kurt shook his head, unable to put his thoughts together in a way that would make the Coach not feel horrible. Kurt felt horrible, like he had done the same thing his peers had by being jealous that Beiste was unattractive because Kurt hadn’t ever been attractive until - until just that very afternoon when he was kissed and violated and goddamnit the tears were returning. Kurt didn’t want to be like this.
“I’m sorry. Y’know, Mr. Schuester told us about - about how some of the guys have been - being disrespectful to you, and I’m sorry you have to deal with that. You shouldn’t have to deal with that. People should respect you. As- as a human being, not - not just because - I don’t know what I’m even saying, I’m sorry. I’ll leave.” Kurt started walking towards the door but froze and flinched when a hand touched his shoulder.
Not again, no, “don’t touch me!” Kurt shouted, and Coach Beiste took her hand off, held both hands up in surrender, unsure what was going on with this kid but worried as hell about him. Kurt didn’t even look behind him as he fled the locker room, horrified by what he had let happen as well as his reaction to a well-meaning teacher who hadn’t been homophobic towards him. Kurt saw his phone on the ground. Courage - Blaine mocked him as he stared down at it.
Coach Beiste began packing up. What was the point of being a coach nobody respected? A laughingstock, whose mere image was able to make a teenager ‘cool down’. Sue Sylvester commanded respect, fear, could be as gender conforming or not as she wanted and nobody cared because a cheerleading coach was obviously a woman. Beiste was just a woman due to an accident of birth, and a failure of a woman at that.
“Didn't take you for a quitter.”
“Don't, Will. You have no idea what it's like.” The only person in the damned school who could possibly understand Beiste was Hummel, who had ran outta the room like the devil was hot on his heels.
“For what it's worth? My kids feel awful. And they like you. They respect you.”
Beiste scoffed.“Yeah, I feel real respected knowing I’m so repulsive that teenage boys get less turned on picturing me in underwear.”
“You’re not repulsive. They - they felt like you were incapable of being hurt by them until - well, until I told them you’re quitting. They’re devastated.”
“And you don’t think I know I’m leaving behind a lot of broken hearts?! Y’know, if I were a man, no teenage boy would think twice about my body, especially not when making out with their fellow teenagers. Not to mention, when I first got this job, Sylvester had one of those blondes pretend I had molested her.”
“Brittany’s not - she’s easily manipulated, Shannon, and she even said she would’ve actually wanted to touch your boobs.”
“I don’t want students to want me like that; I just want it to not be unimaginable that anyone could ever be attracted to me! I've never been kissed, Will. It's the simplest thing. A kiss. It's a doorway to everything else, you know? Promise. Hope. A future with someone. What's that say about me? I'm forty, and I haven't even taken those baby steps yet.”
“What that says to me is that you are a beautiful, amazing woman, whose heart is just too big for most men to stand.”
“You really think I'm pretty, Will?” Instead of answering, Will kissed Coach Beiste. That was the second unexpected kiss that occurred in the locker room that day, not that the two teachers were aware of that.
Coach Beiste didn’t quit, much to Sue Sylvester’s chagrin. Sue soon had other agendas, however - replacing Figgins as principal.
Kurt didn’t tell anyone. He couldn’t - just thinking about opening his mouth when not even Mercedes knew Kurt was trans, well, Kurt couldn’t tell anyone what had happened. He still kept up his new friendship with Blaine, and roped Holly Holiday into substituting as the Glee Club faculty advisor in Mr. Schuester’s absence. The harassment never stopped, and in fact got worse, with more groping and taunts at Kurt’s femininity, but Kurt didn’t feel anything. No fear, no “letting it get to him” like Mr. Schuester claimed he had been, Kurt just floated through McKinley until he could see Blaine. Blaine let Kurt feel normal, like he wasn’t a complete freak for violating gender norms because Blaine had the same interests.
Karofsky cornered Kurt on his way to the choir room one afternoon. “Question for you. You tell anyone what happened? How you-you kissed me?”
“You kissed me, Karofsky, and I understand how hard this is for you to deal with, so no, I haven't told anyone.”
“Good. You keep it that way. 'Cause if you do, I'm gonna kill you, you fucking he-she.” Kurt nodded to show he understood and ran until he had made it to the choir room, where Mr. Schue and Ms. Holiday performed a mashup of Singing in the Rain and Umbrella. Kurt couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t bring himself to care about the singing with the slur-riddled threat running through his head. The Fury could likely kill him, Kurt thought, regretting all the times he had antagonized Karofsky in the past. He couldn’t have courage. Courage wouldn’t matter if Kurt was dead.
After, in the Navigator, Kurt called Blaine by accident while he was staring at the text message, trying to get his mind in the right state to drive without almost killing a mailman like Finn once had.
“Hello? Blaine Anderson speaking.” Kurt hung up. He couldn’t tell anyone unless he had a death wish and he didn’t anymore . Kurt couldn’t tell anyone, and he didn’t.
Luckily, life was good at creating distractions. Or maybe Burt and Carole could just tell their teenagers needed some good news because they decided to get married! “Oh, my God, this is just what I needed. I will take care of it from here. I have a trunk full of wedding magazines hidden under my bed. I'm thinking of a russet and cognac theme. Those are colors, Finn. Fall wedding colors.”
Only Kurt was still at school. Kurt was still somewhat struggling not to feel like he was drowning, with the weight of Karofsky’s gaze burning holes through him. The locker door closed, wedding figurine taken. “I don't want you near me.” Karofsky didn’t care, a meaty finger stroked Kurt’s chest (the same one that had entered him?) Kurt couldn’t help but remember how only a few years prior the jock’s finger would have been touching his breasts, the memories of the weight on his chest almost making this worse, and the wedding figurine was stolen with a sinister smile. “Can I keep this? Thanks.” And the giant was gone, leaving Kurt terrified of nothing, unable to feign normalcy when Mr. Schue had seen the entire interaction.
Sue was as Kurt expected. “Lady, I can't suspend a student because he scares you. High school is a dry run for the rest of your life. It's rough. People can be mean.” Like Kurt didn’t know that.
He had to try. “It's the fear that's the worst. I never know when it's coming, I can't concentrate, I don't feel like I'm part of this school at all. I feel like I'm in a horror movie where this creature follows me around terrifying me, and there's nothing that I can do about it? I mean, you...You don't know what's going on in this kid's head. You don't know what he's capable of.” Kurt said too much, he knew that as soon as Mr. Schuester stood up to face him.
“What does that mean?” The man asked, with a kind gaze that would have worked on Finn.
“Nothing. Maybe I’m overreacting.” Kurt backtracked, and Principal Sylvester’s wording only made the truth that he wasn’t telling hurt more - “this kid lays a finger on you” he had done more, put a finger inside him but Kurt would die if he told, not to mention…
Kurt wondered if Coach Sylvester had read his student file - if she knew, if that’s why Lady was the nickname of choice. “You know, when you call me Lady...That's bullying. And it's really hurtful.”
“I'm sorry. I thought that was your name. As an apology, I'll allow you to choose from the following nicknames…Gelfling, Porcelain, and Tickle-Me-Doughface.”
“I guess I'll go with Porcelain.”
Everything seemed to occur in slow motion - Kurt was helping his father and Finn learn to dance and then Karofsky was there, mocking them with the limp wrist gesture and Finn insisted Kurt talk.
“His name's Dave Karofsky. He's... been harassing me for a few weeks now.”
“Harassing you how?”
“Just... Shoving me, and giving me a hard time.”
“There's more. There's something else you're not telling me.”
“He threatened to kill me.” And Burt was running and Finn was looking at Kurt like he had never seen him before. Karofsky was pinned to the bulletin board and Kurt had to stop this before Burt got arrested.
“The hell have you been doing while all this is going on, huh?”
Burt was on his way to the principal’s office. Finn lashed out like Kurt had been expecting. “The hell have I been doing? Why didn’t you tell me, dude?!”
“I should probably-”
“Kurt Hummel and David Karofsky, to the Principal’s Office. Kurt Hummel and David Karofsky to the Principal’s Office.” Kurt went, sat next to his dad, and waited for the situation to reach the boiling point. As the frog in the boiling water, he was beginning to feel the heat.
“Porcelain? Is that true?”
“That's not true. I didn't say anything.”
“That's what he said. He said he would kill me if I told anyone.”
“If you told anyone what?” Sue Sylvester asked, and Kurt couldn’t answer. He couldn’t breathe, not with everyone’s eyes on him and to his horror he felt tears begin to prickle so he blinked and blinked. Karofsky’s face was the clearest sight in the room and Kurt remembered that mouth against his and he couldn’t talk as people began demanding answers and Karofsky claimed Kurt couldn’t even think of a good lie because none of this was true! Kurt wished Karofsky was telling the truth, that Kurt was lying and not terrified and unable to even imagine the transphobic taunts Sue would spray his way if she knew, a stark contrast to the uncharacteristic concern her expression held now, and Burt was crossing the room, his arms around Kurt.
“You’re okay, you’re safe here, son.”
“I can’t - I can’t, I don’t want to die!”
On the other side of the room, Paul was seriously questioning the boy he had raised. “Dave, what the hell did you do to this kid?!”
“Nothing, he’s lying, and now trying to blubber his way out of it!”
Sue interrupted as the Hummels’ broke up their hug. “It doesn’t matter; as principal it’s my job to maintain a safe environment for teenagers to learn, and I can’t do that if you’re issuing death threats in the halls. David, you are hereby expelled!” Dave glared at Kurt, and the image would haunt Kurt’s nightmares for a long time.