Archive of Our Own

The university’s library was beautiful. It wasn’t a modern one like most of the schools' libraries. No, this one was old, the type of library you expect to find in a mansion. The classical almost gothic style, the dark wood of the floor and the high ceiling created a feeling of warmth, of safety. It was like jumping back in time, it felt like nobody could disturb you here. It smelled like old books, leather and wood, it was warm and comfortable. 

Wooyoung spent most of his time there. As a literature student, it wasn’t unexpected, but he spent even more time there than he would need for his studies only. No, he practically lived in this library because he loved it. It was the only place he could find peace and calm, it was the only place where he never felt alone because books kept him company. Wooyoung was the type of person who lived through the stories he read. His friends were his favourite stories' characters; his shelter was the little spot at the back of the huge room, in the little corner hidden just under the stairs. He had placed a table and a chair there by himself and brought his own light to read in the dark.

Wooyoung loved this place. The rest of the world felt so cold and rough. Here, in this library, nothing could disturb or hurt him.

“The boy in the corner”, people called him. If not “the nerd from the library”. He smiled a little as he thought about it. People could be so mean, he thought. But he was used to it, and he should stop thinking about it because now he had to read his page for the third time.

He heard some unusually loud talking at the front desk of the library. Didn’t people read the “stay silent” sign? He didn’t give much thought to it, though. He was pretty good at shutting down the world around him. He plunged back into the book, floating above the characters to live in the story with them. This was his concept of happiness. Living in the stories, placing himself in the world of the author and watching the story before his eyes as the first spectator.

“Excuse me,” someone touched his shoulder, bursting his bubble abruptly. Wooyoung jumped, his glasses moving down his nose as he tried not to drop the book. He looked up at his interlocutor, a little shock left in his eyes. The man who disturbed him looked genuinely embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to scare you…” he hesitated. “But the girl at the front desk told me you could help me.”

Wooyoung sighed a little. “What do you need?” He asked, disappointed. Of course, no one would talk to him for something other than asking where they could find a certain book.

The man looked at his feet, biting his lip. He felt guilty for disturbing the boy, and the fact that the girl talked about him in such a mocking tone… it made him feel so bad. But he wanted to read The Divina Comedia, and the library was so big, and this boy seemed to be the only one who could help him…

“Do you perhaps... Know where I can find Dante’s Divina Comedia?” He finally asked, looking back at the boy with glasses. As he looked into his eyes, something seemed to lighten up.

“You know about Dante?” He asked, eager.

“I do… my name is Yunho, by the way,” the boy chuckled awkwardly. “I’ve already read it before, but I want to discover it again with a different vision.”

“You have good tastes, you’re the first person who knows Dante that I’ve ever met! I’ve read the Divina Comedia four times and I still understand new things every time!” He beamed up, smiling wide. When he noticed how excited he got, though, he deflated and looked down. “Uhm… I’m Wooyoung,” he said quietly, fidgeting with his fingers. 

It hurt Yunho, how the boy stopped himself from talking when he looked so genuinely happy to speak about his favourite books. 

"We could talk about it a little more if you want?" Yunho smiled. He saw the shock in Wooyoung's eyes when the boy opened his mouth, but no sound came out.

"Ah... Uh... Really?" Wooyoung asked, dumbfounded. Someone was genuinely asking to speak to him? "I mean, I could just... Give you the book..." he closed the ouvrage he had in his hand, showing the cover where golden letters were engraved in the leather, spelling « La Divina Comedia, Inferno, Dante Alighieri » in a beautiful font, surrounded by arabesques and illustrations in the same etched gold.

"Oh, oh my God! You were reading it!" Yunho didn't know where to hide. "I'm so embarrassed, I didn't know and... I disturbed you!" he panicked a little. Seeing that Wooyoung was looking at him with big eyes, a little shocked and probably more panicked than him, Yunho pulled himself together. Firstly to try not to seem too ridiculous, and secondly because he wanted to reassure Wooyoung. Also, there was a part of him that wanted to keep talking to the boy, for an unknown reason. "We could also, maybe, talk about it?" he suggested.

Wooyoung tilted his head to the side. "What do you mean?" he asked, surprised.

"The book," Yunho answered. "We could talk about it, exchange our ideas... It seems like we both like Dante's work so, it could be fun to talk about it!" he beamed, and something in Wooyoung's eyes seemed to lighten up.

"Why not," he blushed slightly.

A heavy silence fell around the two men, none of them quite knowing what to say.

"Well. How did you discover the Comedia?" Yunho asked shyly.

Wooyoung hesitated, not confident about himself. He wasn't used to letting out more than three words without getting mocked or pushed aside. "I'm a literature student, we talked about Dante when we were studying ancient European authors," he explained, looking away shyly. He thought it was enough to answer Yunho's question, but he was met with silence and when he looked at the man's face again he was met with an expectant expression that silently asked for details. His cheeks burning, Wooyoung gathered all his courage to speak up again. "The professor spoke about Dante Alighieri as the father of the Italian language and one of the most influential writers worldwide. His works are considered major, especially the Comedia which is known as one of the greatest works of literature even now. We didn't have to read it for the course, but it piqued my interest so I ran here to find the books as soon as I was out of the class," Wooyoung smiled a little, remembering this good memory. "Honestly when I first read it... I didn't understand most of the story. I jumped into it without even knowing what the book was about, so I was lost!" he chuckled. "But even without understanding most of it, I was... Mesmerized. I couldn't take my eyes off the book. I kept reading and travelling with Dante through hell, climbing up the circles by his side. It may sound weird, but those three books are comforting to me. Even if we start in Inferno, where everything seems terrible and we meet damned souls everywhere... When I feel bad, I read it. Or just hold the book in my hands. Plus, now that I know it ends up well and Dante makes it through purgatory to heaven, it seems a little less weird!" Wooyoung chuckled, relaxing as the memories swirled into his mind. "I always feel like I'm climbing my way to the top of the nine heavens by Dante's side, and I think it's a great feeling."

Yunho didn't say a word. He watched Wooyoung talking with so much passion and looked at the different expressions taking place on the boy's face and deep in his eyes. From happiness to melancholy, crossing sheer admiration and some sparks of sadness sometimes. Something in the way Wooyoung spoke was mesmerizing. Yunho smiled.

"Oh, uhm... Sorry," Wooyoung looked down as he saw the man's smile. He slapped himself mentally. Why did he have to be weird again, speaking so much? Now the only person who dared to stay with him for more than five minutes was going to leave, just like everyone. How did he manage to make all the living beings run away from him every single time?

"Why would you be sorry?" Yunho asked, to Wooyoung's astonishment.

"Well because I talk too much and too fast and it's weird and I'm an awkward nerd who lives secluded in the darkest corner of the library and who doesn't know how to hold a conversation without making everyone embarrassed or straight up angry at me," Wooyoung blurted out like it was the most normal thing to say. Like everyone was supposed to know it like it was an omniscient truth. He said that like he would affirm « It rains today » or «One plus one equals two », and Yunho felt his heart clench at the sight of this pretty, intelligent and funny boy who got broken by others' opinions.

"You're none of that, I enjoyed listening to you. It was fascinating and touching. You're smart and interesting, Jung Wooyoung, and from now on I declare officially that we are friends!" Yunho announced proudly. "We will talk together about your favourite books, and mine too, and you'll be free to rant as much as you want!" Wooyoung didn't know what to say. He looked wide-eyed at the tall excited man who just told him everything he had always wanted to hear, unable to form a sentence. Yunho stood up, apologising smile on his lips as he spoke up again. "I have to go to class now, but give me your hand," he said as he ruffled in his bag to find a pen. Wooyoung, still dizzy from everything that happened in less than five minutes, mindlessly reached his hand out. The man took it delicately, and soon Wooyoung felt the sensation of the pen running on his skin. "You have my number now. Text me any time!" Yunho smiled brightly, waving at the boy as he left the library.

Wooyoung sat there, totally absent, as he tried to understand what just happened.

"I... Made a friend?" he murmured to himself.

It took long minutes before he processed it fully, and the smile that took over his lips was the most genuine he had in a while, and his cheeks burned a little as he looked at the number on his hand.

Wooyoung, like every day, stayed at the library until it closed at eight in the evening. Like every day, he read and left himself drowning in the stories. Like every day, he was disappointed when he had to go back home.

The only unusual thing that day, after his encounter with Yunho, was how antsy he felt. He had trouble concentrating, having to read some pages twice or more. He felt idiotic. If he couldn't even read anymore, what would happen to him?

It's on his way home that he understood.

As he took his first steps outside, met with the cold air of a September evening, he sighed. Cold always felt uncomfortable. He hated everything that was less than twenty celsius degrees: be it his drinks, meals or the ambient air. Cold was such a terrifying sensation. Biologically, it means that things slow down, even completely stopping to move in the frozen state. Acoustically, it means that silence takes over because the snow and ice isolate the sound. Emotionally, it means that you are completely alone and disarmed, without anyone to give you warmth or any weapon to fight and find it.

There were so many reasons why Wooyoung hated the cold.

But today was different because, between two thoughts about how scary it was that winter was coming, some memories of Yunho appeared.

« From now on I declare officially that we are friends! »

Wooyoung forgot the temperature for a second, as the warmth of Yunho's existence took over him.

It lasted only a second each time though, so exactly four seconds altogether during his twenty-minute walk. This wasn't much at all, but it sufficed for Wooyoung to seriously consider texting Yunho.

He had hesitated the whole afternoon about this, counting the pros and cons a thousand times in his head; he found out that there was ninety-three per cent cons. It was way too much risk to take.

But Wooyoung, as soon as he arrived home after taking off his shoes and crashing into bed, sent a message to the number that was written on his hand.

Wooyoung:

Good evening, this is Jung Wooyoung. I hope you remember me. You told me to message you, so... Here I am.

He grimaced after sending it. How could one person be so socially awkward? He sighed deeply, disappointed in himself. After a few minutes, he started shaking his leg, tapping on the floor with his heel. Was he really that anxious? Wooyoung shook his head. He had to change his mind.

Gathering all his courage, he stood up, leaving his phone on the bed to try and forget about it while he went to take a burning hot shower.

He crossed his small apartment, which was more like a room but was enough for one broke student like him, grimacing at the sight of the cool shades of grey the room was made of. There weren't many colours, only his red-orange weighted blanket and the few clothes he hadn't folded yet. Everything else was grey, black and white. It was cold, it was sad. That one anthracite wall facing his sofa bed looked like it was about to cry.

He sighed and stepped in the shower. He stood there, not even washing himself, for a good thirty minutes. He wasn't thinking about anything, his mind empty for once as he enjoyed the hot feeling on his skin. He knew it wasn't good for his blood flow, and even for his skin because the dilatation caused by warm temperatures induced stretch marks to form, but he couldn't care less. Those burning showers were his only comfort, it was his medication against anxiety and any form of overthinking, so if he was going to have stretch marks and cardiovascular issues, then be it. It would be destiny.

After some time, he pulled himself together. The memory of his last water bill made him hurry out of the shower after washing himself quickly. As he stepped on the bathroom mat, the cold air hitting his wet body made him shiver. This was the worst part of the shower: when he had to leave the comfort of hot water. Pouting, he put on clothes and walked back to his bed to jump into it and wrap himself in his weighted blanket.

It took him long minutes to be brave enough to take his phone, and even when he had it in hand he kept looking at the black screen for some time.

"I shouldn't be such a coward..." he whispered to himself, frustrated, as he finally unlocked the device.

Yunho:

Hi, Wooyoung! Of course, I remember you, how couldn't I? It was so nice talking to you ^^

Wooyoung stared wide-eyed at the message. It was... Nice talking to him? A furious blush took over his cheeks; the feeling stung a little, like static running in the skin of his face, but the warm feeling was rather comfortable. The boy shook his head. He shouldn't get used to blush, after all, it would all end soon. Thinking about all the ways Yunho could start to hate him and leave made him sigh. It was way too easy to get attached when you had nobody... But it was so hard to think that everything would stop shortly.

Wooyoung looked at the message again, and couldn't help but smile this time.

Wooyoung:

Oh

Thank you

Haha

The boy frowned at himself, cringing at how idiot he could sound even by text. Yunho would think he is so awkward! Wooyoung panicked, but he hadn't the time to freak out too much as a notification sound startled him. Did his new friend already answer?

Yunho:

Ah, don't thank me for speaking my mind. I always say what I think.

Wooyoung didn't have the time to blush before another message appeared on his phone screen.

Yunho:

Would it be fine with you if we met tomorrow? Don't feel pressured though, if you don't want it's fine. You seem like a quiescent soul, so if it overwhelms you, it's totally okay! Take your time.

Wooyoung sat up on his bed, his eyes watering. How could one man be so sweet, caring, and beautiful at the same time... Pulling his blanket up like a hood on his head, he thought about how pleasant and dangerous the feeling taking over his heart was.

Wooyoung:

Thank you for caring so much, it means a lot... I'd be completely fine to see you tomorrow though.

He didn't know what to say, but he felt like he should add something. Yunho had been so sweet, and Wooyoung had been quite dry...

Wooyoung:

I liked talking to you too, so I'd be happy to, you know. Do it again.

He smiled lightly, his cheeks warm. The boy decided to lie down and sleep before bad thoughts ruined this good feeling.

Wooyoung woke up to the sound of his alarm screaming beside him. Groaning, he tapped around him to find the culprit that broke his deep comfortable sleep, and it wasn't easy to ruffle in a big blanket at six in the morning. After long minutes of ear-breaking noise hurting his head, he found his phone and stopped the torture. For a second, Wooyoung seriously envisaged throwing the device against the wall, but was quickly thrown back to reality when he remembered that it had cost him almost a thousand euros and that it wasn't under warranty anymore.

"Fuck it," he groaned. What a way to start a day. It was worse when he had to stand up and step out of the comfort of his bed.

It wasn't too bad though, the negative feelings soon disappeared as he gave control to his auto-pilot, falling into his mindless routine. Washing his face, eating, brushing his teeth, doing his skincare, preparing his bag for his classes of the day, checking it twice, dressing up, taking his keys, going outside, closing the door, checking six or seven times that it was closed, walking for twenty minutes to the university, finding his class, waiting for the teacher, following the course, leaving the class... Such a boring routine, and he was sealed in it, forced to follow it step by step every single day. Not that he didn't like it, he loved his life as it was. He just hoped that something special could happen sometimes, a lucky encounter, stopping to talk to a friend on his way... But no. As Wooyoung thought about it, he shrugged to himself. It's not like he could do anything to change it, people didn't like him and he didn't know how to make them change their minds. He was more comfortable around books anyway, books never lied, and books never left. Books were the best life companions.

That was exactly why Wooyoung was heading to the library.

He crossed the room, knowing exactly where the book he wanted was, picked it up and went to sit in the peacefulness of his little corner.

From then on, he dove into his book and nothing was important anymore. He was in his little world; in Dante's world to be exact, crossing purgatory by the author's side. He grinned getting comfortable in his chair.

When Yunho arrived at the library looking for Wooyoung, he was met with the sight of the boy looking so deeply involved in the story he was reading that Yunho greatly hesitated to disturb him. Wooyoung looked so... Peaceful. It would be cruel to deprive him of this. So Yunho walked up silently to him, taking a chair to sit at the table with his new friend. He looked at the boy and was surprised by the joy it brought him to just watch someone reading a book. Was it strange to be this genuinely happy just by looking at a person you just met?

Yunho was almost concerned by how much Wooyoung affected him. Ever since he first talked with him, he felt the deep urge to protect this boy. It was like an instinctual call; he just needed to take care of Wooyoung. Yunho was good at reading people. He had understood a few things about the black-haired boy during their first conversation; even before they spoke, just by looking at him.

He knew that Wooyoung was lonely. Mostly by choice, Yunho guessed, the boy was a quiescent soul. The type of person who didn't need a lot of people around him to feel good, a lone wolf. If Yunho trusted his intuition, he could say that Wooyoung probably liked books more than people. Maybe because some people were bad to him, Yunho was almost sure of it from the way the girl from the library's front desk talked so badly about Wooyoung, but also maybe because Wooyoung found it easier to understand books.

Yunho shook his head. He daydreamed too much when he looked at Wooyoung, it was almost concerning... And he was pretty sure that staring at someone like that for so long could be considered harassment. But he couldn't help it; this orphic side of Wooyoung, the part of the boy he couldn't read at all, was so entrancing. He wanted to know Wooyoung, he wanted Wooyoung to know him.

Wooyoung always got so immersed in the books. It could be hours since he started reading, if he estimated how far he was in the book and the speed he reads at, he would say it was about three hours, maybe four. That's when he decided to close the book and stretch to ease his back, sighing in content.

Nothing could have prepared him for the sight of Yunho sitting in front of him with a gentle smile. Wooyoung jumped, his heart beating faster than ever.

"Yunho!" he startled. "Uhm... Oh my god," Wooyoung started to panic, realizing that he never answered the man's last message. "I... Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't look at my phone, I'm not... Used to, you know... Talk with someone..." He was so embarrassed; his breathing quickened, scared that Yunho would hate him for this.

"Calm down Wooyoung, it's okay. It's totally fine, I understand," Yunho smiled gently, his soft voice soothing Wooyoung immediately.

Yunho's reaction, his calm and reassuring tone, stunned Wooyoung.

"You're weird..." he whispered to himself.

Yunho chuckled. "Hey, I can hear you," he said, startling Wooyoung again. Yunho watched the boy blush furiously.

“No, I meant, like… it’s weird that you are so…” he blabbered out.

“You don’t have to explain, Wooyoung. I was only joking, don’t worry,” Yunho smiled gently. Seeing that Wooyoung was lost, he spoke up again, changing the subject. “You’re already reading the purgatory? Inferno didn’t last long,” he said.

Wooyoung immediately relaxed, his hands unclenching. “Oh, I’m a pretty fast reader, and I read even faster when I know the story!” He smiled softly, looking at the book in his hands.

“That sounds practical! I used to take forever to read a book, and even, if I’m faster now it’s still hard for me,” Yunho chuckled. “But I train to read one book a week now,” he explained.

Wooyoung looked surprised. “This is so nice! But… isn’t it hard to read that much and study at the same time?” He asked, curious.

“Is it hard for you?” Yunho asked.

“Oh, uhm… I didn’t mean it like that…” Wooyoung hesitated, feeling bad at how harsh it may have sounded. “It’s just, I don’t know what you study and I can only imagine that if you are studying… I don’t know, let’s say mathematics. Well, if you study mathematics, literature is so far away from it that it can be hard to couple it together. I mean…” he was getting lost in his thoughts, his words tangling together and leaving his mouth without his consent.

Wooyoung was cut off by the bright laugh of Yunho. Looking up at the man, he found the most genuine smile he had ever seen.

“Don’t panic, Wooyoung!” He chuckled. “I do understand what you say. To answer you I have only one thing to say…” he took a serious tone. “I’d rather eat a pack of alkaline batteries than study mathematics.”

It took a long second for Wooyoung to process the words, and when he finally understood, he let out a laugh.

Yunho was shaken up. The giggle was so genuine, full of joy and coy innocence. It was so beautiful, like summer’s first ray of sunshine, like winter's first snow. The sound was honest, raw and authentic, like the first note of a violinist tuning his instrument. Yunho looked at the boy, watching his wide smile closely. It was the first time he saw Wooyoung like this, and it was already Yunho's favourite first time.

It was weird though; there were so many more important first times in life. The first steps, the first love, the first victory... But now, Yunho wanted to stop the clock to bathe in this moment, wrap himself in this instant, because this was the most important first time for him: the first time he saw Wooyoung laugh, genuinely smiling.

"Do you want to go out with me?" Yunho blurted out without thinking, the words leaving his mouth without permission.

Wooyoung froze, his eyes growing wide and his cheeks reddening as he looked at Yunho in utter shock.

"Wha... What?" he stuttered.

Yunho finally realized what he had just said, and started to panic. "Oh! Uhm... I... I mean," he had to think fast to land back on his feet. "We could leave the library to be able to talk and laugh more freely. You know, because we can't... Make noise, here." He sighed half in relief and half in embarrassment.

It took a long second for Wooyoung to understand everything that just happened and when he eventually processed everything, the blush on his face only deepened.

"You're saying," he hesitated. "You're saying that you would want to stand with me outside of the library?" he cocked his head to the side, both curious and touched.

"Well, of course!" Yunho answered, a little too fast to seem natural. Why would Wooyoung think that he wouldn't want to see him elsewhere? "We're friends, and that does not apply only here," he said as he moved his hands to point around him.

"Oh..." Wooyoung was at a loss of words. So that is what friendship looks like? Going around with someone, no matter where? "That sounds good," he nodded, a small smile carving itself on his lips, his eyes shining as he looked up at Yunho who already stood up. The man offered him his hand, and Wooyoung shyly took it, letting himself get led to the exit door.

He smiled, looking above his shoulder to glare at the book he left on the table. The beautiful golden patterns glowing under the warm light made him feel good. If he thought a little about it, Yunho was like this book. Beautiful, precious, and radiating this feeling of warmth and comfort.

Wooyoung had followed Yunho like a duckling during a five-minute walk, after which they entered a small and quiet coffee shop.

The taller led Wooyoung to a table at the back of the room, in the corner. The light was dim, the place was calm, and the smell of coffee was comfortable.

"I figured you like to be tucked in little places, but we can go sit elsewhere in the room if you want," Yunho smiled delicately.

"No!" Wooyoung almost yelled. When he realised, he looked at his hands, nervous. "I... I mean... This is perfect," he blabbered out.

Yunho chuckled softly. "Anyway... Uhm... I didn't ask you, what do you study?" Wooyoung asked awkwardly.

"Psychology," the other answered with a smile. "I want to become a therapist!"

Wooyoung was impressed. "That is so..."

They got cut off by a waitress coming to take their order.

"I'll have a chocolate cappuccino, and you Wooyoung?" Yunho said, his constant charming smile still hanging on his lips.

"A... Uhm... An Earl Grey tea with honey and lemon, please," he told Yunho, his voice weak as he looked at his fingers.

The taller repeated Wooyoung's order, and the waitress was gone.

"Are you okay?" Yunho asked.

Wooyoung startled a little, looking up at his new friend. "Yes! Uhm... I'm just... Not used to interact with people. I'm nervous," he chuckled, embarrassed.

"I understand, don't worry. Next time, you'll tell me your order beforehand if you want, so you won't face the stress of speaking out loud. Does that sound good?" Yunho said, and Wooyoung felt like the world was falling under him.

He looked at the other in the eyes, and what he saw made his heart clench. In Yunho's deep irises, there was nothing but pure kindness and affection.

Wooyoung dove into the man's eyes, willing to drown in his soul at any time. That was the first time he had ever done this. Looking at someone in their eyes, for so long, ready to be seen raw and real. Because if, like this, Wooyoung could see Yunho's everything, the opposite was also true. Wooyoung gave himself whole, as much as he tried to take. He was shaking, his heart beating harder than ever. This was both the most beautiful and the most terrifying thing he had ever done.

This was beautiful.

The seduction of the eyes. The most immediate, the purest. The one that does without words, only the looks are tangled in a sort of duel, of immediate embrace, without the knowledge of the others, and of their speech: the discreet charm of a still, silent orgasm.

Yunho smiled, tilting his head to the side.

"What is going on in your head, Wooyoung?" he asked gently, the question pulling the younger man out of his daze.

"Nothing!" He startled, embarrassed after what just happened.

Yunho laughed brightly. "You're cute," he spoke, voice soft and soothing caressing Wooyoung's ears making them redden on the way.

They talked for an hour, about every and anything. Especially about books though. Wooyoung learned that Yunho's favourite book was Le Horla, by Guy de Maupassant, and he laughed. This was such a psychology student thing, and it fits so much with Yunho's personality. The taller had said that he loved to try to understand the authors' mindset through the ouvrages he read, and that he was good at comprehending people's nature.

As Wooyoung walked to his apartment, he was resplendent. Yunho was the sweetest, kindest person he had ever met; Yunho was his nepenthe, everytime he was with the man, Wooyoung forgot everything that made him sad. Wooyoung felt like nothing could happen if the tall man was with him. It was like time froze everytime they were together, and in the meantime, Wooyoung could never get hurt by anything, even himself. Because that was the most tragic fact about Wooyoung’s sorrow: it was all created by his own thoughts. Because as much as his imagination could make him dream during the night, it was still his worst enemy as soon as he opened his eyes.

The memories of Yunho kept him company during his walk, and soon he was entering his room, a smile on his lips. Wooyoung was about to start his nightly routine when he stooped on his tracks, pulling out his phone.

Wooyoung:

Thank you for today, Yunho.

He sent, but kept looking at his phone. He thought about how he could show his affection to the man. A long minutes passed until he finally had an idea.

Wooyoung:

<3

The boy blushed furiously, throwing his phone on his bed as if it was burning his hand, and ran to his bathroom to take a well-deserved boiling hot shower.

It had become a habit. Yunho and Wooyoung met almost every day, the taller joining his friend at the library to walk with him to the coffee shop. There was a pattern, a routine tuned like music paper. Yunho would meet Wooyoung in what had become their special cocoon, giving his hand to the younger and walking, their fingers tangled, to the coffee where they sat at the very back of the room, on the table tucked in the corner. Yunho took their order, now knowing Wooyoung's by heart: a large Earl Grey tea with honey and lemon. They would talk for as long as they could. Sometimes just half an hour, especially on Tuesdays because it was Yunho's busiest day. Most of the time though, they talked until the sun started to set. Those were their favourite moments; when they spoke without any purpose, just to hear what the other had to say. They would recreate the world in their own way, daydreaming together about life and existence. They talked about books too. About the other worlds they liked to dive in. It felt nice, it felt right.

Yunho and Wooyoung both waited all day and night, excited to see each other again, even if it was less than twenty-four hours after their previous rendez-vous. They missed each other, sometimes even before they split up to go back to their place. Even if they knew they would see each other the next day, they both had this feeling of loss every time they left the café.

It was weird and scary, how fast they got addicted to each other. It was vertiginous and terrifying, this feeling of deep connection and affection towards someone. It was like diving deep into a stranger, giving them your soul and heart without thinking twice, trusting this person without any apprehension.

Wooyoung thought about it as he held his hot cup of tea in his hand, listening to Yunho talking about his day. Even if it was interesting, Wooyoung couldn't listen. He was spacing out, looking mindlessly at his friend's face. He was thinking about so many things all at once that he couldn't clearly define precisely one of his thoughts; everything was getting tangled in his brain, feelings clashing against rational thoughts, fighting against fears. Wooyoung only knew one thing: all of these thoughts led to Yunho.

Yunho, the beautiful and kind soul, the man who made everything feel so much better, warmer, sweeter. Yunho, Wooyoung's nepenthe.

The man, seeing his friend staring at him, smiled a little. It happened frequently. Wooyoung often got lost in his mind, leaving the real words for several moments.

"Hey, Youngie," he spoke up, sweet voice flying to Wooyoung's ears to pull him out of his reverie.

"Oh, excuse me Hyung, what?" the younger asked, looking embarrassed. There was this constant blush on his cheeks, deepening from time to time, helping Yunho to understand the younger.

"I just..." he said. "I wonder what crosses your mind when your eyes meet mine," he ended his sentence in a whisper, almost talking to himself.

The question made Wooyoung's breath stutter. Yunho noticed how he kept looking at the man. "I..." Wooyoung didn't know what to say, his body tensing, tears gathering under his eyelids. "I just..." Nothing was leaving his mouth, not even air. He couldn't breathe anymore. So this was how their friendship ended? Wooyoung knew it was going to happen eventually, but it was painful. Not yet! He wanted to scream, even if deep down he knew that it had been his longest friendship with someone. A little more than a month. It had been the longest friendship he had, yet it felt so short. It couldn't be the end, it was not enough. Wooyoung thought about everything they've done for the last time; he hadn't enjoyed them enough. Because it didn't feel like a last time, when they did it.

"Wooyoung, Wooyoung! Look at me, please," Yunho was calling as he crouched in front of Wooyoung's chair, holding the younger's hands. Wooyoung did as he was told, looking at Yunho through the tears. "Good, you're doing great," the man smiled. "Will you breathe in time with me?" he asked and Wooyoung nodded. As they started, Yunho delicately stroked the little hands in his with his thumbs, a sweet smile on his lips as he accompanied Wooyoung.

As he was catching his breath, after the fifth deep inhale, Wooyoung understood everything. Looking at Yunho deep into his eyes, he figured out why it was so much scarier than any other friendship loss.

Because it was not friendship anymore. Not for Wooyoung, at least. Yunho was not just his friend; Yunho was a lot of things to Wooyoung: his friend, his nepenthe, his shelter, his oriflamme... but there was something more. Wooyoung felt his heart both drop and explode when he realised that it was love. Wooyoung was in love with Yunho.

In an instant, both heaven and hell took over the brunette's belly. It could have been a good thing, really. Love was great for most people, it should have been great. Except, Wooyoung wasn't meant to be loved. The man couldn't help but let the susurrus of sorrow take over everything else, deafening him to the rest of the world. No, Wooyoung was not the type of person people could love. Nor even like, or appreciate. After all, everything had to end, and for Wooyoung it seemed always quick to cease. It was not the first time, probably not the last... When he finally set his mind back on this idea, Wooyoung let out a long exhale. Without any hope, there wasn't any expectation, right? So he tried his best to break his own longings and feelings, opening his eyes to look at his unrequited love's eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said, voice white and thin, emotionless.

Yunho had a recoil movement. Was that even his friend's voice? It couldn't be. Wooyoung was so implied in everything, always filled with tons of emotions. He was so lively... No, this flat voice couldn't be Wooyoung's.

"What happened," Yunho asked. When the other didn't answer, he asked again. "What is going on Wooyoung, tell me please," he was begging, trying to shake his friend out of his resigned state. But Wooyoung wouldn't even look at him in the eyes anymore.

"I'm sorry," was the only thing he said.

"I can't take your apologies if I don't know what you're sorry for," Yunho tried to hang on, but he felt Wooyoung slipping between his fingers. Wooyoung wasn't moving, but Yunho could feel him disappearing.

"I need to..." Wooyoung hesitated as he stood up. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice breaking as he left.

And Yunho watched him do so for a second. The older could feel something was wrong, and if not for the sob he heard in Wooyoung's voice he would have let him go. But there was this thick aura of distress around him, and Yunho couldn't let him go like this. He ran after Wooyoung, leaving the coffee shop in a delicate bell chime that sounded way too appeasing for such a stressful moment. Yunho caught up to Wooyoung, holding his arm to make him turn around. Now face to face again, Yunho could see his friend’s tears, and it broke his heart. The rough distressed look on Wooyoung's usually delicate and beautiful face made the taller want to cry too.

“Wooyoung…” Yunho murmured, throat tight as he tried not to drown in panic too. “Tell me, tell me what hurts you so much,” he said, sliding his hand down Wooyoung’s arm to end up tangling their fingers. “Tell me what is breaking you, so I will find and break it too.” When Wooyoung started to shake his head, trying to slip his hand out of Yunho’s, the taller tightened his hold. Not aggressively, not too hard. Just enough to show how determined he was. “You don’t understand, I can’t let anything or anyone hurt you so much! Wooyoung, you’re way too precious to me, you're the best thing that happened in my life, and I can’t handle seeing you suffering so much!” his voice broke in the last words, and he felt Wooyoung shaking a little.

The younger felt overwhelmed. So many things were happening at once, a tsunami of feelings made him feel weak on his knees. He felt like his body was giving up on him. He never knew emotions could overthrow physical stature, but there he was; shaking like a leaf under the weight of his own thoughts, trying to find the right words to explain how terrified he was. It was paradoxical, for someone who swam in words all day long for years, to be at a loss of words.

“You’re… my Koi no Yokan,” he said finally, voice weak as he locked his wet eyes in Yunho’s. “But… but you’ll hate me,” he tried to hold back his cries. “You’ll leave me.”

The boy sobbed out loud, and the walls he had built around his heart exploded. Everything around Wooyoung broke like crystal, so hard that it was like they could hear it. All the shields around the boy broke down, and Yunho was met with the sight of a vulnerable, lost soul. It made his heart hurt. The view of a boy who gave up on everything that was protecting him, ending up helpless to face the world around him. That was how Wooyoung felt. Like a child abandoned on a parking lot; he felt orphan again, he felt lost, lonely and cold.

Yunho took a long second to pull himself together, keeping up strong for Wooyoung, because the boy needed him at this instant. Holding back his tears, Yunho cupped Wooyoung’s face. He delivately stroke the cheekbones with his thumbs, trying to erase the salty drops from the younger’s beautiful face.

“Wooyoung, my dear Wooyoung… I don’t know who abandoned you, or who hates you, or who hurt you, but I know one thing,” he took a deep breath. “I know that whoever they are, they missed the opportunity to discover how beautiful you are - both inside and out. Wooyoung, don’t you see how perfect you are? Because as for me, that is all I can see when I look at you. There is not a single thing I don't adore about you, Wooyoung. You are heavenly, you are what the world made best. Honey, your soul is golden, never forget this. I could never leave you, even if I tried,” Yunho said. He let out a relieved sigh. He had said it. Finally, after two weeks since he thought about it, ever since he had realised how deeply he had fallen for Wooyoung, he confessed everything. 

The boy, on his side, was frozen. His eyes locked in Yunho’s, holding his hand tightly, he was still realising what the taller had said. Was it real? Woo young didn’t even know, but if it wasn’t then he would pray for never wake up.

“You… Yunho,” he said, a stray tear leaving his eye. “You said… everything you said…” he couldn’t hold back his cries. “you promise? You promise that you really…” He couldn’t find the end of his phrase, but Yunho understood.

“I promise,” The man smiled.

“And you won't…” Wooyoung hesitated, the word hard to pronounce, burning his mouth. “You won't ever abandon me?” his voice was weak, the question hard to ask.

Readjusting his hands on the boy’s cheeks to hold him better, radiating security and warmth, Yunho took a serious tone.

“That, I promise too. I will never, ever let you go, Wooyoung,” he swore.

Wooyoung finally smiled, a weak grin illuminating his face again.

“Thank you. Yunho, thank you so much…” he murmured.

The taller smiled, caressing Wooyoung’s cheek a last time before holding his hand again. “You don’t have to thank me for this, my dear,” he said. “Now will you let me take you home? I want to hold your hand, and make sure you get to your place safely.”

Wooyoung blushed under the dried tears, nodding shyly. “It would be an honour…” he whispered.

They walked to Wooyoung’s apartment, fingers tangled. The younger’s legs were still trembling slightly, his mind a mess. So many things happened, it was a lot to process for the boy.

“It’s here…” Wooyoung said shyly, voice soft and quiet. He was about to coward away, looking at his feet as his cheeks burned a deep shade of red, but Yunho squeezed his hand tighter.

“Wooyoung,” he called. “I need to tell you… you are my Koi no Yokan too, you know. I have feelings for you,” the taller confessed, a smile on his lips. He saw Wooyoung’s surprised expression and continued. “I know it’s a lot. I don't expect anything, my dear. I just need you to know that I am in love with you, but we will take as much time as you need. I will wait until you are ready, because I understand that it is a lot for you. Don't rush anything, I want you to be comfortable, Wooyoung. I want what is best for you,” Yunho said, answering all of Wooyoung’s silent worries.

“I… Hyung…” the younger took a deep breath, gathering all of his courage. “I am in love with you too. I feel so many things, it’s… it's almost too much. It’s scary,” his bottom lip trembled. “But I love you.”

Looking at each other's eyes, they shared a glare that was worth all of the words in the world. They didn't need words anymore. After a long minute of silent exchange, Yunho brought his hand to Wooyoung’s cheek again.

“Go rest, my treasure. Have a good night,” he said, his voice sweet and reassuring and warm, enveloping Wooyoung in comfort. Yunho’s words, Yunho’s presence, even the memories of Yunho are always making Wooyoung feel like he was held in a comfortable embrace.

“You too, Yunho. Have a good night,” the smaller said, smiling softly.

Yunho looked at him entering his apartment, waving back at Wooyoung when the latter made a hand sign as he closed the door.

Each from their side of the wall, finally alone, smiled for themselves. They were happy, they were in love.

After that day, everything between the two men seemed to shine even brighter. If they were happy to be in each other’s company before, now they were in complete adoration. Wooyoung was happy, he was resplendent. His doubts were still pulling him apart, but he couldn't care less when he was with Yunho.

As he was waiting for his friend, reading a book, Wooyoung smiled. As if on cue, the tall man appeared, and was welcomed by Wooyoung’s smile growing even bigger.

“Hi, Woo,” he said, and it was enough to make the younger feel weak. 

“Hyung, hello!” he beamed, trying to control the blush that was spreading on his cheeks.

They started talking about any and everything, about their courses and their weekly book. It was comfortable, it felt so domestic. Every time one of them met the other, it felt like coming back home to sit close to a bonfire.

“Oh, I wanted to ask you something!” Yunho said out of the blue. Wooyounv cocked his head to the side. “Do you do anything for Christmas? It’s next week and… we'll I wanted to know if you spend it with your family. Mine cancelled this year, because my parents went in vacation…” Yunho started to explain, but was cut off by Wooyoung.

“I don't have a family,” he blurted out.

Yunho was at a loss of words. Did he mess up by talking about this to Wooyoung?

“Oh… uhm… I’m sorry, Wooyoung…” he stuttered, embarrassed.

Wooyoung shrugged. “It’s fine, I’ve never had one anyway, never seen their face or heard about them, so it’s not like I can miss them or something,” he let out a dry laugh. Seeing Yunho’s worried face, he kept talking. He had started the revelations, so why would he stop here and keep the mystery? “I’m born from a non-marital union. Apparently, I was the biggest mistake of an eighteen years old woman… I don’t have much details. I only know their DNA test, because it’s important for adopted children, to know if I have any genetic disease. Turns out I don't have any risk of having genetic issues, their DNA is clean, at least. All of this to say, I was abandoned three days after my birth in front of a fire station. It seems like it's a lifetime curse. Anyway… yes, I’m alone for Christmas,” Wooyoung sighed after his speech, both relieved that he finally told his story and worried about what Yunho would think about it.

“Wooyoung…” the older said, putting his hand on Wooyoung’s, resting on the table. “So this is why…” Yunho didn’t finish his sentence, but Wooyoung understood.

“Probably,” he answered. “I just got used, ever since my late night at the orphanage, that I am nothing, you know?” A sad smile tore his face. “I'm not missing anywhere, I'm not leaving a void in anyone’s life. It’s almost scary. The subways are crowded, the restaurants are full, heads are stuffed to bursting with small worries. But I feel like I don't exist. I slipped out of the world and it remained full. I believe that I was not indispensable. But I would have liked to be indispensable. To something, or to someone.” 

Tears gathered under his eyelids as he spoke, his voice shaking as the broken smile on his face tried to keep up.

This sight made Yunho's heart clench. He wanted to scream, to yell at everyone how important Wooyoung was. He wanted to prove to the smaller how indispensable he was, he wanted to shout how much he loved Wooyoung. But Yunho did none of this. He delicately took Wooyoung’s chin to make the other look at him, and smiled.

“You exist, Wooyoung. You would leave a void in my life, in my heart, if you left. I miss you. Everytime I am not with you, I miss you. Sometimes, I miss you even before we go back home. You are important to me, you have to know that,” Yunho said, and Wooyoung left out one stray tear: a tear of joy.

“Yunho…” the younger hesitated to say something, but he knew it was the moment. He knew he had to say it now. “I'm ready. You told me to take my time and I took it… now I'm ready.”

Yunho had never been happier in his life. Wooyoung just told him everything he wanted to hear. Wooyoung trusted him enough to let himself go, to give Yunho his trust.

“Then may I ask you to go out with me, for real this time?” Yunho chuckled, and Wooyoung nodded eagerly.

Soon they were outside, but it seemed like the weather wasn't on their side. As Wooyoung was still focused on adjusting his big scarf and his beanie, Yunho sighed, earning an interrogative sound from the concentrated boy.

“It looks like the café will be crowded, look at the snow,” he said.

Millions of big snowflakes were falling, coating the ground and blinding the sight. Everyone had probably hid in restaurants and coffee shops to seek warmth.

“What about we go to my place instead?” Yunho asked. Wooyoung nodded behind his huge scarf, making the older cool out loud. They smiled, and started to walk to Yunho’s apartment hand in hand.

When Wooyoung entered in Yunho’s flat, he was mesmerized. The place was big. It was not a palace, but it could harbour three people. But that wasn't the most important. For Wooyoung, what surprised him was how safe this place felt. It was his first time entering here, yet he felt like it was the most secure refuge in the world. Everything was warm, from the dark beige and over colours of the walls to the dark wooden furniture, and this beautiful old leather sofa. It looked like the cottages, the wooden chalets in the Swiss Alps. When Wooyoing thought about it, it was so… so Yunho. It fit perfectly who the man was: beautiful, warm and safe.

“It’s beautiful!” Wooyoung marvelled, trying not to shiver too much. Indeed even if the apartment was way warmer than outside, Wooyoung was very sensitive to the cold.

“You look like you freezing,” Yunho said as he walked up to Wooyoung. As he looked at the boy, his heart started to beat faster. The sight of the younger looking up at him with starry eyes, his nose and cheeks red because of the cold wind’s bite, half of his face still hidden under his scarf and his hair messy after he removed his beanie… Yunho was sure he was looking at an angel. His Wooyoung, his fragile yet so brave boy, the man he loved. Smiling, Yunho pulled down the scarf to hold Wooyoung’s face in his hands. “I’m always warm,” he chuckled.

“Thank… thank you,” the younger stuttered, flustered.

Wooyoung didn't know what to do, he probably looked idiotic at this instant! Shivering, staring dumbly at the other with his bad beanie hair… he almost started to panic, but before he could think of anything bad, he was pulled into a hug.

Yunho held Wooyoung, wrapping his arms around the smaller.

“It… it works better,” Yunho explained, suddenly shy. “You know… It's not only your face that is cold, so…” he blabbered out.

Wooyoung smiled, shyly wrapping his arms around Yunho’s waist and nuzzling into his woollen turtleneck.

“It’s the best hug ever,” Wooyoung murmured.

It was his first hug ever.

They stayed like this for as long as they could, losing the notion of time, only enjoying each other’s body warmth. It was comfortable, it was safe.

Wooyoung was excited. A little stressed too. After all, he was going to spend his first real Christmas with the man he loved! It was all at once: exciting, stressful, thrilling and terrifying, but Wooyoung was happy. Though, he had so many questions. How was it going to be? Did he have to do something special? Maybe cook something, or bring chocolates? Ge already had Yunho’s gift of course, but maybe it wasn't enough?

As if Yunho had heard Wooyoung’s worries from where he was, a text notification made Wooyoung’s phone buzz.

Yunho:

Dress warmly tonight, I’ll take you to a beautiful place but it’s outside. I’ll be here to keep you as warm as possible, but you’ll need your big coat and your big scarf! (also because it's very cute when you wear it because it makes you look so tiny but anyway haha ><) 

Wooyoung blushed furiously as he read the text, trying to calm down before he answered.

Wooyoung:

Alright, I’ll dress like a little Eskimo! Promise :D but… do my clothes need to be in a specific style? Is there a dress code? Or just warm?

Yunho:

No dress code, wear what makes you feel good. I have to go get ready now, I’ll be at your place to pick you up in about two hours!

Wooyoung smiled, but couldn't help overthinking about his outfit. What if he looked ugly? Or if he didn't fit with the Christmas spirit?

Wooyoung:

But I wanted to wear something special…

Okie, I'll be ready!

And Wooyoung started running around in his room.

Exactly two hours later, Wooyoung opened his front door to be met with the beautiful sight of Yunho’s smile.

“Hello, my dear,” he greeted the smaller. “Are you ready to go?” When Wooyoung nodded, Yunho took his hand, and soon they were walking under the snow, lightened by the town’s Christmas lights.

“Where are we going?” Wooyoung asked as they arrived in the large city center square.

“Here,” Yunho shrugged. “Look, it will start in…” he looked at his watch. “Two minutes.”

Wooyoung frowned, clueless. “Do we have to meet someone here?” he asked, and Yunhi chuckled.

“No, it’s just the two of us,” Yunho answered. “By the way, you said earlier that you wanted to wear something special. Did you find this special thing?” He asked, curious about what Wooyoung would consider special.

“I did…” Wooyoung blushed. He looked up at Yunho, smiling shyly. “I… I’m wearing the smile you gave me.”

Yunho’s heart stopped. He knew he was in love with Wooyoung, he knew it since weeks already. But now, at this instant, he felt like he couldn't even contain all the love he felt for the other. He had so much feelings for Wooyoung, he felt so many things all at once… he was about to speak when the big Christmas tree in the middle of the place lightened up, and people started clapping.

Yunho could have looked at the beautiful light show, but he looked at Wooyoung’s face. He looked at the younger, his beautiful face glowing under the blue, red and green lights of the Tree. Yunho looked at his lover’s starry eyes and mesmerised expression, Yunho couldn't take his eyes off of the beautiful boy.

“It's magic,” Wooyoung beamed as he looked back at Yunho with an excited smile.

“I’m happy you like it,” Yunho grinned. “Merry Christmas, my love,” he said.

“Merry Christmas,” Wooyoung replied.

They kept looking at each other’s eyes for a long minute, watching the lights changing through the reflection in the other’s irises. Eventually, Yunho gathered all of his courage to get closer to Wooyoung, and as the final of the show lightened the place, the taller kissed Wooyoung’s lips.

Their heart stuttered in synchronization as their lips touched, a blush creeping on their cheeks. As everyone around clapped at the end of the show, the two men were just enjoying each other. Nothing else mattered.

They were happy, they were in love.