Chapter Text
The Chemist (Maxine Reed, 22 Years old, Studied at Yale University until she was kicked out, has been working for RED for four years) ran towards the Living room searching for someone, "Heeeeey, What's cooking good looking?" Asked The Scout, "SCOUT! YOU'RE EXACTLY WHO I NEEDED" "Oh? What for?" "DO YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IS TODAY?" "Uhhhhh your birthday?" "No." " my birthday?" "no!" "Smissmas?" "SCOUT IT WAS TWO MONTHS AGO" "that means we are in..." "Scout-" "Shhh I'm thinking" The Chemist resisted replying "I didn't know you could think" and just waited for him to finish "Thinking", " FEBRUARY!" "no shit sherlock" "WAIT IS IT VALENTINE'S DAY!!??" "YES! IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY" "Cool! What- what did you need me for????" (The Scout was a hopeless romantic that had a crush On good ol' Chem) "DID YOU KNOW TODAY IS THE DAY OF LOVE???" "yea-" "AND IF YOU WERE TO HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE YOU'D TELL THEM TODAY" The chemis blinked "Why did ya blink???" "I didn't, It's just my eye tic" The chemist had in fact a Tic "Cool, cool, what 'bout love?" "I have decided to..." "To?" "TO MATCHMAKE OUR FRIENDS" "what" "Yeah matchmaking! You gotta match 'n make brotha!" The chemist tried to imitate Scouts Bostonian accent "why" "EVERYONE'S SINGLE ON VALENTINE'S DAY... to be honest I'm single everyday, But still" Scout did make sure that everyone who was interested in Her, fought him for her affection, He won everytime, "poor guys, they don't know what their missing" "Haha, you're so silly sometimes scout" "Mh mh" "anyway, my plan is-"
SKIP
"you got that?" "No" "... SCOUT"
SKIP²
"You ready?" "No" "scOUT"
SKIP³
"Scout..." "I got it!" "REALLY!?" "nope" "SCOUT"
## SKIP⁴ FUCK IT JEREMY IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE
"Scout if you don't understand I'm gonna strangle you again" "I got it" "..." "I DID!" "Okay we can do it!"
OUTSIDE
"Medic!" Said the young woman who everyone (Except her family) called chemist "Ja?" Replied the medic, who according to some is one of the sexiest mercenary ever (I KNOW Y'ALL WANNA ILF HIM!) "Scout broke his arm again!" "Dieser kleine Schlampen-Arsch-Punk (That little bitch ass punk)" "What" "Nozhing" "ok" They ran towards the "Presumed" location of scout, "Oh Доброе утро Doktor (Good morning)" "... Guten Morgen Heavy, Chemist, where iz scout?" "umh... I lost him?" "AGH!!!" The medic replied calmly, "Doktor, Is fine" "No iz's not heavy, this is the third time it happened this month!" The chemist sneakily retreated behind a tree, "why do I always have to help everyone!" ('CAUSE IT'S YOUR JOB?????) "SOMETIMES I DON'T WANT TO BE GOOD" (bud you're basically the Antichrist CaLM DOWN!!!) "Heavy understands" "I know you do" The doctor's (IN HIS DREAMS) voice softened "Oh Mikhail how could I be so stupid! I'm sorry for trying to *Insert fucked up medical procedure here* while you were unconscious, Come here!" The medic pulled heavy down for a kiss
MEANWHILE OUR PROTAGONISTS
"Scout-" "what?" "Don't-" "don't do what???" "Scout-" "I'm just saying they're Fruity as fuck" "Scout." "Okay jeez I'm sorry" "Why?" "Because it's mean to compare medic to fruits because I'm talking shit about fruits" "NO-nevermind" "Who's Mikhail?" "Oh? That's Heavy's real name" "Uh... I thought his real name was Heavy?" "No, it's his code name! Like Chemist isn't my real name!" "It isn't?" "Nope! My real name is Maxine Reed, Pleasure to meet you" She extended her hand "Haha, well pleasure to meet you miss Maxine, I'm Jeremy Fitzgerald" "Fitzgerald?" "Yep" "Jeremy?" "Yep" it's like such a common name, I thought it'd be something special... Like you" "really?" "No, if I'm being honest I thought scout was your real name, because I've had a friend named scout" "that's cool, Who's next on the list?" "Uhh oh its-"
IN THE LIVING ROOM... Again
"BULLSHIT" "LIAR" "BULLSHIT" "LIAR" "BULLSHIT" "LIAR" "BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!!!" "LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE" the Demoman And soldier were arguing "Oh fuck that's gonna take a LOT of work" "What? No, it's easy, HEY WHAT ARE YOU TWO ARGUING ABOUT" "DEMO TOLD ME HE'S FROM SCOTLAND BUT SCOTLAND DOESN'T EXIST!!!" "YES IT DOES!!!" "NO IT DOESN'T!!!" "Umh... Okay, so! Soldier Why do you think SCOTLAND doesn't exist? " "WELL BECAUSE IT'S JUST A LEGEND" "What about Atlan-I MEAN new Zealand (WHY THE FUCK IS SNIPER CANON BACKSTORY \[look it up it's hilarious] SUPERMAN'S ORIGIN STORY!???!?!!!?) UH??? EVERYONE SAYS IT DOESN'T EXIST BUT WE'VE BEEN THERE!!!" "... WELL I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT, TAVISH I'M SORRY!!! I'LL LET YOU WEAR THAT SKIRT" "I love ya" "LOVE YOU TOO" "Well I'm outta here" the chemist ran up to her good friend, "Wow, that was easy" "I know how to deal with idiots, I have three older brothers" "Well I have seven" "And we see how that turned out" "HEY!" "I'm just kidding" "Why did he do that?" "Do what?" "Tell him he can wear his skirt" "Kilt" "Same thing! Solly clearly hates it, Why did he let Cyclops-" "Don't call him that, I think he can hear us" "-Cyclops wear that???" "Well, because sometimes you gotta make sacrifices for the people you love" "mh..." "anyway you wanna eat a snack?" "oh sure!" "There's only one can of bonk" "you can have it" "thanks!"
IDK WHERE THEY ARE, THEY'RE JUST SOMEWHERE
"Spook, talk to me" "Non" "Mate, please" "Non!" "Look I'm sorry, can we please move on?" "NO! WE CANNOT, I'M STILL ANGRY AT YOU" "what the fuck happened?" "I stole his-" "HE STOLE MY FUCKING MASK!!!" Scout laughed in the background, "Give it back" "But I need it..." "For your wank st-" "NO! I just... Uhhhhh, I WASN'T GONNA MASTURBATE WITH IT" "I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE!!!" "SPY, I'M SORRY IF BUY YOU A NEW ONE" "NON!" "PLEASE I'M SORRY, TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU I'LL EVEN TAKE YOU THAT FANCY RESTAURANT THAT YOU LIKE SO MUCH" "...i have a few backups in my room" "THANK GOD, YOU WERE BEING SO DRAMATIC!" "I'M NOT DRAMATIC!!!" "then why are you up there?" The spy was in fact on top of snipers roof "as you'd say 'PISS OF YA WANKER'" our dynamic duo (Chemist and Scout) decided to run for it and got back to the base "Was that the BLU spy?" "Yeah," "why did he do that?" "Do what?" (GUYS THIS ISN'T A CHILDREN'S CARTOON, STOP) "you know act like that" "who spy?" "yeah! Why did he act like such a bitch?" "Because sniper betrayed his trust" "Why?" "Because sniper wanted to add his mask to his wank stash" "ewww" "I would never do that!" He did, actually with a picture of her, to be exact, "I know, you're too good for that" He wasn't "Yes I am" He wasn't
I KNOW THEY DEFINITELY ARE OUTSIDE
"OKAY! WHO'S THE LAST ONE???" "engineer, Wait what about Pyro???" "I threw a box of crayons at them, Basically the same thing" "okay, HEY ENGI WHO YOU DATING???" "your dad" "Wow such a bitch-wait a minute is that our spy???" "hehe" "Chem" "it's funny he's fucking your dad-" "CHEM" "hehe, he's a fatherfucker" "DAMN IT MAXINE" "Wait but if you two are dating why were you on the list?" "They made up before we got to them" "GREAT!!!" (Actually I was because I was tired of doing the children cartoon thing) "So what now?" "Uh... I don't know, Wanna see the stars?" "of course"
ON A ROOF
The sun had gone down at least an hour before, and our Protagonists were looking at the vastness of space, "Chem look!" "Uh? Look at what?" The scout pointed at the sky "That's Orion!" "Who?" "Orion! The constellation!" "How do you know?" "You see, my older brother Stanley, *Loved* stars and-" "Wait, Loved?" "He doesn't like them anymore" "Ah." "..." "So...how's life treating ya?" "I'm doing fine, You?" "My sister married, again" "Congrats-" "Don't, it's not good news, They're gonna divorce soon" "why do you think that?" "My sister told me that" "Ah." "..." "Max! Look a shooting star! Make a wish!" "Where?" "THERE!" "Wow" "I know right? Did you make a wish?" "Yep, what did you wish for?" "I wished for courage" "to do what?" "This" Scout leaned in for a kiss, While the Chemist was shocked, she leaned in and kissed back, After a few seconds Scout broke the kiss "I-Look Maxine I always loved you And-and-Do you wanna be my Girlfriend?" "Of course!"
AND THEY LIVED TOGETHER AND HAD 69 (Nice) SONS AND 420 (Nice) DAUGHTERS, THE END