Work Text:
Lorraine’s foot bounced rhythmically against her ankle underneath the thick bed covers. She watched bare twigs sway outside the window on the backdrop of the neighbor’s outdoor Christmas lights. She remembered the cold of the air outside and curled into herself a little closer.
Sleeping Ed spooned her warmly, arm around her waist, holding her hand at her chest. His warm exhales on the back of her neck felt like the kiss of an angel, she thought.
They had returned from Christmas Eve Mass with a very sleepy fourteen-year-old who shuffled up to her room right away. Ed and Lorraine had set to work arranging gifts and the contents of the refrigerator for the morning before sinking onto the couch to kiss for what felt like blissful hours. Upstairs, they scattered their clothes and made love gently in the warmth of their bed, quiet except for little hushed whimpers and grunts. They pulled their pajamas back on and curled up, exhausted.
They had been home from England for two days and Lorraine felt like her mind and body still hadn’t recovered their energy. The ordeal in Enfield had drained her so entirely.
But everything had been draining, her entire life, and since the first time she had her premonition seven years ago. Since she was a child, she had been tired. But for the better part of a decade she had been afraid, too, sometimes too worn out to stop herself from envisioning the future she was certain would come. Herself, a widowed witness to her husband’s horrific death, left to face the rest of her life with her own gaping hole in her chest. Her daughter, still so young, damned to grow up with only the support of her shattered mother.
Lorraine squeezed Ed’s hand tight. She tucked her head down low and brought his hand to her face, pressing her lips to his finger. Ever since boarding their flight to come home, she had been reaching for his hand whenever she remembered that terrifyingly close call in Enfield. Feeling the heat of his skin, the reflexive way he held hers right back.
She let her thumb wander down to his wrist. That pulse, minutely tapping away, so tiny and the most beautiful thing in the world.
Lorraine suddenly felt her eyes and nose start to burn and she blinked as little tears started to drip onto her pillow. She breathed in a deep, shaking breath and bit her lip to keep a sob from choking out.
She felt gentle contact on her shoulder. Ed’s kiss, letting her know he wasn’t so deeply asleep after all.
She sniffled. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
He ignored her deflection. “What is it, hon? You okay?” His voice was sleepy but attentive.
Lorraine nodded. Then shook her head, then shrugged. She wriggled around and rolled over to cling to him. She felt that she couldn’t hold him close enough, no tightness of grasp would ever be sufficient for the love that wanted nothing but union with him.
He brushed her hair out of her face and let his heart break at her exhausted, watery eyes. She dug her fingertips into the back of his shirt and wept tears of relief, hurt, and sadness into his chest.
He didn’t ask her anything. She needed to break for a little while and in his arms, in their bed like this where he could hold all of her until she was ready to mend back together, was the safest place to do it. He listened to her sad little noises to ensure he didn’t let his sleepiness diminish whatever thoughts and feelings were overwhelming her.
Finally, into his chest, she murmured, “I’ve been so scared.”
He petted her hair.
She retracted a little. “I’ve been so scared for years. For years. I thought – I thought I would lose you, I was so sure. I was so scared.”
“I know, honey.” He kissed her head. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry you carried that for so long.”
“But – But you’re here and you’re safe.” Her eyebrows furrowed as another bout of sobs stole her words for a moment. “We’re safe and Judy is safe and I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it’s okay now. This has felt so heavy on me for so long and I don’t know what to do now.”
Ed rubbed her back. “You let it go, hon. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that God would have you go through this right before Christmas. It’s time to rest now.” He stroked the back of his finger along her wet cheek. “Of the greatness of His government and peace there shall be no end.”
Lip quivering, Lorraine reached to touch his face. In the thin darkness, she could see he was looking at her in that way that he did when he was basking in the calm contentment of their admiration for each other. His eyes soft, muscles relaxed, as if he could start kissing her tenderly all over her face.
“I love you,” she whimpered. “I love you. I can’t believe how good it feels. Just to be here with you.”
He pulled her in close, letting her final relieved tears flow out into his shirt. He cradled her head in his hand. “Let that burden go, Lorraine. Let yourself receive all the hope and peace and joy and love.”
She felt light and warm in his arms. Her body tucked against his so perfectly, so comfortably. The perfect place for her to rest.
He adjusted to lie on his back so he could hold her close against him. He squeezed her tight and kissed the top of her head. “Let’s try to get some sleep. You know Judy will be chomping at the bit as soon as the sun is up.”
Lorraine smiled a little and pressed a kiss to his chest. She was too tired to wipe away her tears – they would dry on her cheeks. In the beautiful silence, she whispered, “Merry Christmas, Ed.”
“Merry Christmas, honey. I love you.”