Work Text:
Tap. Tap tap, tap tap. Tap.
He’s a quick typer; of course Hasumi Keito is considering how many proposals and scripts he’ll write. Today he’s reworking proposals for lives and rewriting contracts requests for venues, as well as working on a new DRAMATICA script in another tab. There are stacks of manila folders with documents the higher-ups in Rhythm Link wanted Keito to skim through with his keen eyes for any inconsistencies and mistakes.
It’s not idol-work, but Keito did want to do this. He wanted to look through documents of what their agency produced and take in knowledge of the who, what, where, when and why. If Keito could learn more about the agency and their procedures, it’ll be easy for him to fit AKATSUKI into future jobs if he had an understanding of them.
He had once volunteered to digitalize the list and contracts of Rhythm Link’s IPs, all so Keito could potentially use it for future AKATSUKI work. Knowledge is power, after all.
It’s tedious work, but work that Keito enjoyed nonetheless. In all honesty, it doesn’t feel as draining as some of the work he has to do in the student council despite being a part of a, well, a council. Though Keito does sometimes feel a bit lonely in this office he was gifted on the Rhythm Link floor of Ensemble Square.
It’s work he wants to do. Keito took it upon himself to provide the building blocks to leave their path towards a bright, glistening future. Already Keito had seen golden lights when he stepped on stage. All this fatigue and wear was worth it when they could sing and dance to a sea of penlights that cheered them on.
Keito stretched his arms, taking a moment to turn his office chair and look at the bookshelf he filled. There’s one shelf that holds photographs in frames of people. Of course his colleagues, his friends. Himself, Kuro and Souma with decorated drinks in their hands, all turned towards the camera with smiles, (though Keito found himself looking awkward.)
Next to that photo was a picture of himself and Eichi. They’re wearing black shirts in the same design for the end of a joint live with multiple units, and they’re both holding peace signs towards the camera, though Eichi looked far more playful than the coy smirk Keito wanted to show the audience.
This road to idol wouldn’t have been possible if Eichi didn’t dream of it. If that child in the hospital bed didn’t tell Keito about these wonderful people called idols that seemed to shine as bright as the stars in the sky. Keito had seen Eichi’s desire to shine like them, and while initially Keito had wanted to devote himself to fostering that glimmering flame within Eichi, he found himself ignited with the same passion and desires.
He has Eichi to thank for where he is now, and while they’ve suffered together, the lights Keito sees through the blooming petals on the blossoming tree is a view that none could refute as nothing less than beautiful.
Keito is working hard for them both. Time to get back to work.
Tap tap tap, tap. Tap tap. Tap.
His throat felt dry so he took a sip of water from his bottle. His chest also felt a bit heavy, but Keito could identify it as slight heartburn from the spicy ramen he had earlier that day. Always a price he is willing to pay for a delicious meal that puts him in a good mood.
Tap tap. Tap tap tap, tap tap tap.
There are discrepancies in this proposal submitted by a music group that’s been in the agency much longer than any ES idols. The amount of money is different between pages — absolutely ridiculous. Keito couldn't help but roll his eyes at that and took a highlighter to mark the numbers and leave a note. He turned back to the computer and his keyboard to send an email after finishing his read through and corrections.
Tap tap tap tap tap, tap tap, tap. Tap tap.
His eyes felt a bit tired, Keito taking off his glasses to rub the corner of his eyes and the bridge of his nose. Clearing his throat, Keito’s brows furrowed when he felt a wave of nausea rush over him. Was his ramen past its expiration date? But he had some earlier in the week… strange. Keito took a few sips of water again to quell the feeling. Maybe it’s the seasons that's affecting him.
Tap tap. Tap. Tap tap tap. Tap.
Ah. A potential live at a park offered by a local zoo in order to promote visitation. There would be animal ambassadors there for the event. Keito should send this over to Tomoya since it seemed like a great opportunity for Ra*bits.
Tap… tap tap tap. Tap.
Is he sweating…? Keito swallowed thickly, looking at his hand and began clenching it. That’s how it felt in his chest right now… this isn’t heartburn is it? His hands felt so clammy, and Keito moved to take off his glasses and wipe his forehead with the back of his hand. Breathing is getting harder as well.
… What are these symptoms? Is he coming down with something? Is this an anxiety attack?
The nausea is growing worse; Keito could feel himself shaking and growing more uncomfortable as his body started to heat up. Holding his mouth, Keito shot up, only to curse at himself because a wave of dizziness shot through him, leaving him light headed as he fell back, puking into his hand.
“W-What—“
Keito could feel his chest tightened, engulfed in a flame that made him want to vomit more from the nausea it produced. His head also felt light, and Keito cursed himself for taking off his glasses so now his vision was impaired. It was difficult to see when his mind was spinning.
Chest pains… heartburn? No… this was something else. Vomiting, sweating… dizziness… difficulty breathing… is he—
He should know these symptoms. He watched out for them all the time when he was younger, sitting beside Eichi who had complications that made him susceptible to attacks like this. How did Keito not recognize them? It must be because it’s difficult for him to identify it when it happens to himself—
His chest was on fire and his dizziness made things worse. This isn’t heartburn… perhaps an angina? Keito’s never had any issues like this before, this certainly isn’t stress-induced—
The clock is ticking, Keito knew that he should call for medical help. He could dial 119 already, or he could call up Eichi’s medical standby that Keito had saved in his phone.
He needed to do this fast. Needed to keep as calm as he could and get help to prevent this becoming fatal. Keito’s stomach churned and a large wave of nausea washed over him again, his hand going up to his mouth.
He attempted to stop himself considering there was vomit all over the floors, but in doing so it made his breathing all the more difficult to take in oxygen. Keito breathed in some of his own vomit, making him choke and sputter. Coughing out puke and saliva into his hand, Keito only grew dizzier as his chest felt as if it was on fire. His heart must’ve been working on overdrive because of this — why is he so stupid?!
I would never allow this to happen to Eichi — ever!
Even when he’s in pain, sometimes he can’t help but just think about Eichi. Does he suffer like this? Keito had been by his side for many attacks through their youth and teenage years, but is this how it felt ?
That realization made the anxiety hit.
Am I going to die? I don’t want to die, I can’t die—
Keito continued to cough, the mistake in holding back the vomit was truly a fatal mistake as he felt himself unable to move while he dispelled the chunks of puke into his hand and onto the ground. His dizziness was worsening, and it didn’t help that his glasses were still off.
Damn it — move already!
It’s a race against the clock. If he called now he’d be able to have a chance of surviving this. He’ll call Eichi’s medical staff, they’ll be able to help him immediately as private EMTs that already have access to routes and emergency entrances to Ensemble Square.
Keito stumbled, breathing heavily as each step felt like a raging fire burning at his limbs. He’s squinting at his desk, hands out to feel around at the items that were blurred from his impaired vision and tears that welled up as a result of heaving.
His hands finally find his glasses first, putting them on and only grunted when his vision was still blurred due to smudges and his dizziness. Keito did manage to find his phone, shakily taking it as he grew nauseous again, Keito shutting his eyes and tightening his lips for a moment before going through the contacts list in a hurry.
He pressed on a contact and then the call button, hearing the ringer as Keito held onto the edge of the desk to steady himself. He attempted to swallow but found himself short of breath as a result, the fire in his body engulfing him and spreading to his head.
The pain is spreading up his chest towards his shoulders and then neck. He can tell he’s sweating very badly, and the smell of vomit on his clothes is disgusting as well.
Hurry… please—!
Keito took deeper breaths, trying to fill his body with oxygen as much as he could while he waited.
“Hello?”
Keito’s head whipped to the phone. The confusion apparent in his expression before the lightheadedness came like a wrecking ball, the pain shooting through his brain.
It was Eichi on the other end. Did he press Eichi’s contact rather than his medical staff?
“…Hellooo~ Keito? Did you butt dial me again? It’s been months since the last time but if you did manage to do it again, you’ll never hear the end of it from me.”
Tears formed in Keito’s eyes as he fell to his knees. His mouth was agape, shaking as he tried to muster any words he could say. If he could manage a simple “ help” , Eichi would be able to send his medical staff, right?
But despite that… Keito couldn’t say anything.
If this is the last time he could hear Eichi, he wouldn’t want to hear panic in Eichi’s voice. He’d want to hear exactly this; the teasing tone that was laced with fondness reserved for Keito. He held the edge of the desk, struggling to breathe as his chest continued to rage with flames and pain.
“…Hahaha~ I can’t believe you did butt dial me, Keito. Is my contact so high up in your list that you can easily call me, right? Well, I’ll see you later. I can’t wait to tell you about this~”
Keito blinked, the small laugh filling his chest with a short-lived relief. The dizziness is taking over, his head growing lighter and lighter with each second.
He’s not going to make it.
“…Keitooooo~” Eichi called out. There’s a moment of silence before a sigh came out from the other end, words more soft and mumbled .
“Well, I suppose you’re hard at work. Don’t push yourself so much, if you won’t then I won’t. Goodbye, Keito.”
Goodbye, Keito.
It was like closure.
Keito heard the other end hang up, his hands slipping from the edge of the desk only for Keito’s body to fall onto his side.
The dizziness had finally taken over, a part of his mind felt as though they were being lifted away by air. Keito was going to die here; he understood that.
My friends… my AKATSUKI,.. Eichi…
Keito attempted to look up at the shelf in a way to see the people he cared about for one last time. What’s going to happen to his precious unit? The one he made to reflect Eichi’s light but had become the light in his own heart he wanted to see burn brighter and brighter? Kuro, who had been with him from the start, would have the resolve to take over and be leader? But their Souma… he’ll be devastated, would they both want to continue in his honor? Or is the loss of Hasumi Keito too much to bear? Even now he can’t help but think about others and how much of an inconvenience his death would be.
How funny. An inconvenience, he thought. Keito didn’t want to be an inconvenience, and that desire mimics Eichi’s thoughts so closely, don’t they?
He doesn’t want to die. There was so much to do, so much in store for their future… but if Keito knew anything he knew that life did not treat everyone equally. Life was cruel, and Keito knew that from a very young child.
He felt so alone, lying on the floor of his office as the oxygen refused to make its way to his heart.
He doesn’t want to stop thinking, but it’s growing harder to form thoughts. Keito wanted to sulk about that but he could barely manage anything as the fire took over his body.
“…” Keito felt tears roll down his face. He really didn’t want to die, not when he made a promise to be the one to arrange Eichi’s funeral and guide him to the other side. It was irony at its finest, a cruel joke played by whatever higher being was up there. The devotion Keito had for his childhood best friend was being wiped away in an instant.
As a child he always asked questions; knowledge is power after all but there was one question that Keito had always sought to find the answer for.
What happens to you after you die?
Buddhism teaches you that after you die, your karmic value will aid in reincarnating you to something else to begin life anew. Keito grew up with that; grew up with that belief that guided your life into always wanting to do good, lest you want to become something like a beetle in your next life. This was what Keito was taught, but it had been difficult to accept.
“Does that mean I lose who I am when I get reincarnated?” It was a question he once asked his father. If Keito was reborn as a beetle, he would not have the capacity to have complex thoughts or emotional feelings. Does that mean Keito is another person’s reincarnated form? And all of those memories are gone to make room for these ones now?
It was terrifying.
It might’ve been the impending feeling of doom that was bringing his anxiety to unbearable levels, mixing with the pain in Keito’s chest. He’s suffering. He’s suffering before he dies.
He’s scared. Keito is so scared.
Is this how it’ll be when Eichi dies? Keito would’ve wanted to be there by his side so he wouldn’t be alone. To be going through this all by himself though… It’s even more despair-inducing. He can’t even hyperbolize the notion of how his “world was ending” because it was.
Goodbye, Keito.
“...” Keito felt his chest squeeze and churn, he couldn't say anything as his labored breathing took priority.
I don’t want to say goodbye, Eichi…
But it doesn’t matter what he wants, does it? Life can be so cruel like that. He does wonder in the haze that is mind currently, how Eichi will react. Would he laugh? Would he be in denial? Is this karmic punishment for all he’s done in the past? Thoughts that were meant to stay behind him are suddenly brought back up to the surface… and Keito can’t help but lament.
…I want to see you, Eichi.
And maybe because this is the last plea he’ll ever make that his mind will create the figure he so desperately wanted to see. A trick of the eye, a phantom sensation, but it felt as if someone wrapped their arms around Keito.
After what seemed like a million different thoughts about regrets and fears consolidated into a few seconds, there is peace for just a moment. A warmth that doesn’t hurt, and then it’s gone.
Keito closed his eyes, and succumbed to the darkness.
“How odd, though I suppose mishaps like this happen once in a while~” Eichi couldn’t help but chuckle, fondly looking at his phone after he had hung up and placed it back onto his desk.
Normally Keito doesn’t call when it’s during these hours since he knew Eichi would be at work. They have a good grasp at each other’s schedules, so normally when Keito calls it might’ve been for an urgent reason. Eichi is both relieved and disappointed at the call, considering he didn’t hear anything from Keito at all.
Well~ He can’t wait to tease Keito when he sees him next~
He’s off-site at a management company striking deals with reputable agents to bring them on board at Starmaker Productions. Networking is a job Eichi excelled at; his charm and enticing proposals usually gave him what he wanted, though being stuck in a meeting room for so long is rather exhausting. It’s nearly time to head back to the dormitories.
As Eichi finished shaking hands and exchanged salutations, he took a moment to glance out the window from the 7th floor. His ears perked when hearing the sound of sirens, an ambulance racing by. Eichi has always had a morbid-like humor, so he can’t help but ponder whether or not the ambulance is going to make it in time for whatever its destination was.
It would be sad if it didn’t make it in time, but as a man who has seen many lives come into hospitals and never leave, Eichi found himself thinking a bit pessimistically. That’s life for you, after all.
Walking down to the lobby and out the door, Eichi took his private car back to the dormitories, texting in the backseat.
[16:03]: Keitooo~ Are you finished with work yet? Let’s have some tea together~ I’m certain you’ve noticed your little accident by now…~♪
[16:04]: I’ve received some new biscuits and cookies we can pair with the tea. I already know you’ll like them, so let me know when you’re back. It’s been a while since we’ve had some tea together, just you and I.
Eichi certainly didn’t have to mention that it’s been a while since they’ve last met up. After all, they’re both incredibly busy people in their own respective agencies… but perhaps there is a longing Eichi has in his heart that can’t help but lament over the fact the two of them don’t get to see each other quite as often as they once did in Yumenosaki. It’s not something he can easily admit… missing Keito, he means.
Well, that’s why he’ll drag Keito into drinking some tea with him. Eichi sent a GIF of a cute bear drinking tea before noticing that his messages haven’t been read yet.
Eichi’s brows furrowed, a tight sensation in his chest occurring though he isn’t sure why. Some anxiety? A sensation of foreboding was settling in his chest, and Eichi wasn’t sure why.
He adjusted the scarf over his neck and rubbed his hands together to keep warm, humming softly to himself as he was dropped off in front of the dormitory gates.
Is this feeling meant to warm him in some way? Is he going to have an attack soon? Eichi paid good mind to his health during this winter season, and especially when Keito is constantly reminding him to stay warm and to watch out for his health. Actually, he’s been feeling more than fine this season, which is maybe the reason for his anxiety.
He sighed softly, heading into the dormitory and towards his room. Luckily neither of his roommates were there, Eichi humming to himself. He can’t help but glance at the partition between his and Rei’s beds, having been decorated with tinsel and ornaments for the Christmas season.
If I feel this alright, then perhaps someone else is taking the suffering in my place. Happiness is short-lived, perhaps I’ve stolen someone’s joy this holiday season.
Eichi took a moment to enter his dormitory and sit down on his bed, taking off his coat as he heard a soft voice speaking to him.
Do you really think that, Eichi? That your happiness means another’s is stolen?
Hm. It’s been awhile since he’s heard this Keito voice in his head. Normally he’d hear this Keito during Yumenosaki, and honestly he was sort of a dick.
“Fufu, is it terrible to think that I can’t ever have peace unless it’s stolen? Sometimes it feels like happiness can only be borrowed for a certain amount of time before it’s taken away.” Eichi put his scarf away, smiling to himself as he awaited a response.
That’s life, Eichi. Humans are far more complex than that. You have a guilt in your heart that prevents you from allowing yourself to be happy, and I suspect you’ll continue like this regardless of what anyone says.
“... Haha, is that it? I mean, of course you would say that. But you’re not the real Keito, I wonder what he would say to this.” If Eichi knew Keito well enough, he was likely to convince Eichi that happiness should be enjoyed even if it seemed fleeting, and that he shouldn’t feel as if what he has is a stolen moment. Something like that, more than likely.
“...” Eichi leaned back, the foreboding feeling in his chest curling and squeezing to something so uncomfortable. Almost as if he was losing breath yet this wasn’t the same feeling he’d get when he was on the verge of an attack. This felt like something else entirely…
“Ne, why can I hear you? I haven’t heard your voice in a long time, so why now?” Eichi asked softly, brows furrowed. Something was wrong.
Before he could hear the answer, the dormitory door swung open. Eichi glanced over to see Rei enter the room, but behind him was also Wataru and Tsumugi.
“Oh? What strange company walked in~ May I ask what the three of you are up to?” Eichi sat up straight, looking at the others and noticing a very… off aura around them all. There were no smiles, and not even a reassuring smile from his dear Wataru.
“...” The room was silent for a split second until Wataru came over to Eichi’s side, getting on one knee and holding his hand.
“My dear Eichi…” He doesn’t say anything else just yet, and Eichi can see there is something in Wataru’s pained expression that is preventing him from saying whatever it is outright.
Tsumugi took a step forward, nervously looking at the room and then back to Rei. It doesn’t seem like he has any trouble saying what they want to say, but rather it was Tsumugi’s caution knowing what could possibly happen to Eichi after this information is revealed.
“Eichi-kun, we want you to know we have your medical staff on standby, this… this isn’t the easiest of news to receive… but please try your best to stay calm.” Tsumugi began, Eichi’s brows only furrowed.
That feeling in his chest only churned, squeezing and twisting around as Eichi looked from Tsumugi to Wataru and then to Rei. He realized that his hand is being held onto tightly, Eichi can only deduce this is because Wataru isn’t allowing Eichi to get up from his seat. Why? What’s happening? What’s going on?
“...” Eichi’s eyes widened as he looked at his phone, grabbing it and checking the messages. No replies.
If this was an emergency, then Keito would’ve been the one to help relay this message. Keito was the one who knew how to handle Eichi’s health, if he was receiving bad news then Keito would’ve been here.
He quickly pressed the call button on Keito’s contact, holding the phone to his ear as Wataru and Tsumugi looked at one another with difficult expressions.
“Eichi, please put the phone down.” Wataru gently rubbed at Eichi’s other hand.
“Why? Why should I? Unless… you have something to say.” Eichi’s eyes were wide, listening to the phone call’s constant trilling as Eichi hoped to hear the familiar voice on the other end pick up.
Why isn’t he answering? Keito always answered him, even if he was in a meeting. He always made time for Eichi, that’s the type of person Keito was after all, so to not be able to pick up meant… meant…
“Eichi.” Wataru called out, gently putting down Eichi’s other hand with the phone. “Keito-kun… was found earlier today in his office… having suffered a heart attack.”
Eichi stared. The words that were difficult to say were now out in the open, and Eichi’s entire body fell cold as if there was a winter breeze that came and trapped Eichi in ice.
“...” Wataru held onto Eichi’s hand, keeping him grounded as the initial shock took over Eichi, his heart rate accelerating quickly. Tsumugi turned to look at Rei who nodded in response. The NewDi idol got up and headed out the door as Rei stepped closer.
A heart attack? Keito?
“A heart attack…” Eichi murmured before he quickly got up from his seat, pulling Wataru with him. “Then we need to see him in the hospital, where is he? Where did they take Keito?”
Wataru held onto Eichi’s hand, swallowing thickly as he threw his other hand out. “Eichi… He… Keito-kun… he–” He had trouble speaking, unlike the professional actor Wataru was, it seemed as if this script was just too much for him to bear either.
“He was dead when the paramedics arrived.”
Rei spoke straightforwardly, his tone calm while his expression was stoic. Eichi’s head whipped to Rei, blue eyes widening larger than they ever had.
It sounded like some elaborate joke, one that was written just for the sake of irony that Eichi, a man who is bound to die early due to his chronic illness, would actually outlive the childhood friend that so easily said he’d be the one to conduct Eichi’s funeral? What cruel twist of fate was this?
His brain was trying to find a solution, some way to keep Eichi from spiraling. Should it be denial? Should he engulf himself in rage? Towards what? Who was to blame? Perhaps he should cry… just cry.
Eichi is stunned again, unable to move as the numbness crawled up his body as he looked at his hands. His vision is blurring, teardrops falling onto his palms though it surprised him. He didn’t realize he had begun crying, and even still he can’t feel the tears running down his cheek.
“...He’s dead?” Eichi managed, softly.
No one replied.
“... I… I just heard him, he even called me—” Eichi gasped, looking at his phone and checking the timestamp from when Keito called him. He answered the phone call, but no one was on the other end. Was… Was Keito calling for help?
Instead of cold, it was as if molten lava drenched Eichi in a torturous waterfall of skin-peeling heat. His chest twisted and tore itself apart as the realization fell onto Eichi; Keito had been alive and called him for help, yet Eichi did nothing. Whether or not this was true, it’s a daunting truth to Eichi.
He failed Keito, and it cost him his life.
A loud, shrill scream echoed in the room as Eichi ripped himself away from Wataru, pulling himself past Rei towards the door.
No, no no no no no– Keito isn’t dead, he’s not dead, he can’t be dead, not like this –
“KEITO–!” Eichi cried out, pushing through the door only to be stopped by his own personal medical staff. Tsumugi stood alongside them, reaching out to Eichi.
“Eichi-kun, please… calm down–” He tried, only for Eichi to snap back.
“NO! LET ME SEE HIM!”
He won’t believe it, not until he sees Keito. His childhood friend cannot be dead. He’s the one that’s always watching out for others’ healths, Keito might be an overworked man but there was no possible way he would’ve succumbed so easily. No, to Eichi, Keito was the strongest person in his life. Always holding his head up high and moving forward, yet still so compassionate not just to Eichi but everyone else in Ensemble Square. A person like that shouldn’t die… a person like that needed to stay and guide the rest of them. To guide Eichi! Keito couldn’t be dead–! Eichi can’t be the reason for his death, Eichi couldn’t be–!
His staff took a hold of Eichi, keeping their heir from pushing past them. It wasn’t like Eichi knew where Keito was anyway, but maybe if he ran towards Keito’s dormitory, he would find him sitting there with tea brewed for them both.
Maybe he saw Eichi’s text messages and got the tea prepared for them both. Eichi missed Keito after all, but it wasn’t outlandish to say that Keito also missed Eichi. He would know, because they’re best friends… they’re best friends who know each other so well, and they are… they were …
Eichi held his mouth, doubling over as the shock took him over once more.
His heart was racing, thumping so loud that Eichi could imagine it bursting through his chest. His head was dizzy, his chest was tight… How ironic would it be if he also had a heart attack! The irony, there’s just so much irony in this, isn’t it?! And maybe he should have a heart attack… maybe he deserved it… It’s all his fault wasn’t it? Everything that led Keito to this point was because of Eichi… right? He’s the reason… he’s the reason why Keito is dead–
It hurt… everything from his body to his mind, and Eichi can’t help but wonder, is this how Keito felt ?
But unlike Keito, Eichi has his staff and company around him. Tsumugi is standing back letting the medical staff take over as Wataru is holding onto Eichi’s side. Eichi can see Rei watching behind them all, but only now does he see there’s a sullen expression on the vampire’s face.
What is he thinking? Does he blame Eichi for this? Well he should.
You think you’re to blame for my death?
Eichi’s eyes widened, darting around before realizing who was talking.
If I never became an idol, I wouldn’t have died, is that what you’re thinking?
Eichi sobbed, his knees giving in as nearly fell to the floor if it weren’t for the staff. He doesn’t know how it happened, doesn’t know why it happened, and maybe this had nothing to do with idolhood, but to Eichi he couldn’t help blame himself for this. After all, he once thought he stole all of Keito’s dreams away, and now he’s stolen his life. How selfish of a person Eichi was… and how foolish Eichi was to think he could become a bright star after consuming the dreams of others. He never deserved this life and now he sees he’s never deserved Keito either.
“K-Keito…” Eichi sobbed, his mind spinning as his heart went into overdrive.
He wished his heart would just burst right then and there, his heart was already broken, they should let all of those shards puncture and tear apart Eichi’s insides and even then he wouldn’t be satisfied with his punishment.
No, he doesn’t deserve any ounce of happiness in a world that decided to take away one Hasumi Keito.
Tears ran down his face as his mind slipped into the abyss, the darkness taking over. The last thought Eichi had before falling unconscious was, “will I be able to join you, Keito?”
He did not die, though Eichi felt rather embarrassed and disappointed at the same time because of it.
Eichi had stayed in his own hospital room, being watched over meticulously by his staff for the last few days. He hadn’t been able to properly read any messages of condolences and well-wishes without feeling disgusted. When Wataru came by to visit there was always a period of silence before they attempted to talk, but Eichi really didn’t have much to say.
Instead, Eichi listened to the voice that was scolding him every few hours, though the voice was a lot harsher than his source was like.
If you don’t eat something you’ll wither away. You can’t sit there like some brat and deny the help these workers are giving you, even if they are your own staff, Eichi.
“I’m not all that hungry, Keito. Besides, does it matter if I wither now or later?”
Staff would come in to hear Eichi speaking to no one, though they assumed the no one was actually Keito in Eichi’s mind. They felt a pang of pity but what can they say to a man in mourning? They didn’t say anything, but on the third day of Eichi’s hospital stay, Rei came in hearing an interesting conversation between Eichi and his Keito.
“Would you be mad at me if I threw my life away?”
Of course, you idiot. We’ve spent our teenage years cultivating a new era of idols, you’re just going to throw it all away?
“But how can I stand on stage knowing you won’t ever be able to again?”
Stand on stage for me. It's as easy as that.
“But Keito…”
Rei cleared his throat, walking over and sitting down with a laptop bag in his lap.
“Tenshouin-kun, you seemed to have recovered well.” Rei commented, looking over the blond who turned to him with a smile.
“Does it seem so? My body yes, but I have this innate desire to tears these IVs out of my arms and hang myself, so I don’t think I’m quite recovered.” Eichi didn’t mean to sound so vulgar, but honestly he has no energy to save face. Besides… he’ll be scolded if he says something so blunt and boorish.
Tch. If you say things like that you’ll cause concern for others.
Eichi’s lips twitched upwards a bit as he eyed Rei’s bag.
“What do you have here?” He asked, Rei’s face not changing as he pulled out the laptop from the bag.
“I brought over Hasumi-kun’s personal laptop. We’re still in the process of cleaning up his office, but I thought you might like to see something.” Rei offered as he opened the laptop and typed in the password, getting into the personal device.
“How did you get into his logins?” Eichi’s brows furrowed, staring at Rei who only offered a coy grin back.
“I guessed.”
The silence is telling of how credible Eichi thought that was.
“… We used to play this password game as children. We would try to make a difficult password with only one hint, but I was able to guess all of them correctly. There was a password he made and I decided to pretend I didn’t know, and he was so happy about that he started using that password for everything. He’s… He was sentimental like that.” Rei explained, a nostalgic look in his eyes as he turned his face to the side.
It was then Eichi remembered he was not the only one who shared so many moments of his life with Keito. He knew Rei was mourning, but now he recalled how the other idols might be feeling. How many wouldn’t believe the news initially? Who fought, and who sobbed? Kuro and Souma, how did they react knowing their leader and trusted comrade had been found dead working on proposals and forms that were meant to benefit them? Did they feel as guilty as Eichi?
Eichi couldn’t stand that thought. He didn’t want to know. But more than that, he loathed the idea of walking into a room and having a hush fallen over, heads turned to look at Eichi. Would they resent him? Or would they pity him? Either was suffocating. While there was no doubt in anyone’s minds how special the bond between Eichi and Keito was, the man known as Hasumi Keito was a beloved idol to so many, and a cherished figure in ES.
Everyone was mourning, but Eichi couldn’t help but feel in the ugliest part of his heart cry out in despair;
But he was my Keito.
“He had a lot of folders in his personal laptop, though I bet you knew. But I wanted to show you this, I’m certain it’s of interest to you.” Rei handed the laptop over, showing a folder that was labeled “For Eichi.”
Eichi furrowed his brows. This isn’t some letter left to Eichi was it? A suicide note would probably be even worse than what’s happened now, well, what’s a bit more suffering than what Eichi’s already going through, yeah?
He does press the folder, opening it and seeing there are various word documents as pictures of various tombstones and even pyramids as references in the folder. It took Eichi a bit to realize what this folder is as he opened a few of the word documents.
“...These are plans for my funeral.” Eichi muttered, eyes wandering as he read over checklists and descriptions. Most of these are compiled with his and Keito’s children talks from when they used to write down what they want Eichi’s funeral to be like. Even taking into account children's silly desires? That was something Keito would do, no doubt.
He pressed another word document and read… lyrics. These are lyrics?
Eichi scrolled through, eyes widening as he saw an accompanying score for the lyrics on another page. So Keito was still actively planning his funeral? He checked the document’s properties and saw that the last time the document was open was two months ago.
Keito… still in the midst of everything…
Eichi’s eyes welled up, his knees coming up as he leaned his elbow against them to hold his face. There really was no one like Hasumi Keito who would go through these lengths for a promise made so many years ago.
“...” Rei looked around and gently took the laptop back before glancing at Eichi. “Does talking to him help?” He asked softly.
Eichi sniffed and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, sighing softly.
“...Who knows? I used to hear him a lot during the the early days as student council president… he’s a lot meaner than our usual Keito, though~”
They’re not mean, they’re harsh truths.
“Fufu… I suppose you’re right about that.” Eichi replied, though Rei had a quizzical expression.
“...Anyway, I showed you this because I thought it would be a good time to discuss his funeral.” Rei offered, watching Eichi’s expression drop a bit.
“...Yes. Wouldn’t his… family,” The word seemed harder to get out than normal, likely because Eichi couldn’t even fathom how Keito’s family must be feeling right now. “Wouldn’t his family be taking care of the funeral?”
“Yes. Do you feel like you’d be able to say something?” Rei asked softly. Eichi only placed a hand over his chest, the squeezing sensation coming back.
“Should I? I can’t help but feel as if Keito’s death was caused by my own two hands. Saying something at his funeral would be a mockery to him…” Eichi replied, though the response does leave Rei with a scolding frown.
“No one blames you. And I could blame you, but I won’t.” Rei fiddled with his fingers for a moment. “If you want to blame anyone, you can blame me. I found him in his office and couldn’t do anything.” Rei admitted, his tone changing into something a lot more harsh and casual. “Barely breathing and I couldn’t do shit… so… ya can hate me for that.”
Eichi looked over to Rei, then down to the laptop as he pulled it back onto his lap. He could use the opportunity to hate Rei… but really that wouldn’t do any good. If anything it would probably piss off Keito if they did start pointing fingers. He’d scold both of them, most likely. If only that could happen…
“I think we both have feelings that we’re to blame… so perhaps we should just suffer as is, even though Keito wouldn’t want either of us to suffer.” Eichi offered a pained smile before looking through the lyrics again.
His Keito was kind like that. He’d bring up the lecture look and scold them both but Eichi knew how much he cared for everyone. Eichi used to be quite jealous, but he also knew it was because of Keito’s big heart that made him as wonderful as he was.
“...I think… I think I’ll finish these lyrics. I’ll finish them and sing a bit at his funeral.” Eichi offered, gently stroking the screen as he read the lyrics.
Rei made a sound, perhaps a satisfied huff, as he straightened up.
“I’ll leave it to you then. Here’s the passcode if you need it.” Rei’s tone came back to being slow and suave, a sticky-note pad falling onto Eichi’s lap. Rei got up after that before stretching a bit.
“This old man’s going to head back, I’ve been tired with all the cleaning help~ Anyway…” Rei turned to look back at Eichi. “The Keito in your head, he’s not saying anything bad to you, is he?” He eyed the other, red orbs narrowing behind sharp eyelids.
“Hm?” Eichi turned to Rei. “What do you mean?”
He’s asking if I say detrimental stuff to you. You already knew what he meant, why’d you say ‘what do you mean?’
“No… he doesn’t. In fact, he’s very much keeping me alive, even if he’s harsh about it~” It seemed like in the end, Eichi couldn’t fully get rid of Keito’s care even in his own imagination.
“If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve already tried to off myself… but Keito has a very demanding and almost scary lecture voice~ And besides… It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t attend his funeral after all.” Keito would’ve stood proudly on the podium to host Eichi’s funeral, even if he was in pain he would be able to keep it together so… Eichi has to do the same even if that wasn’t his initial plan.
Eichi does wonder when the voice in his head will eventually go away. Maybe the Keito in his head won’t leave him, and perhaps Eichi would like it… even with a harsh, ruder Keito at least it was his voice. Though Eichi knew he shouldn’t count his eggs before they hatch, he can’t help but wonder if he’d be able to survive after the funeral.
He’s tired, extremely so… but he’ll muster enough strength to attend the funeral of his best friend. That, he must do at the very least.
The funeral was done at the Hasumi’s family temple of course, and while it’s spacious, the feeling of almost all the idols from ES felt crowded in the ritual room.
Eichi does have medical staff waiting for him outside in case something were to happen, but Eichi can only feel numb sitting in a seat listening to Keito’s father read sutras. He can’t help but notice Keito’s brother comforting their mother in the corner as well, his family dressed in white.
Everyone else is wearing black or dark clothes, a contrast to the white flowers that were sent before the funeral to decorate the casket modestly.
He had already sang; a small snippet of the lyrics Keito had made for him with Eichi’s additional thoughts and tune. Eichi didn’t feel like singing it all since he didn’t feel as if it was truly complete, but it was enough for his own heart. He hated to admit he wasn’t paying attention to anyone else who went up to read their own eulogies.
Eichi did pay attention when Kuro and Souma went up, though the latter was having a difficult time keeping in his emotions as they spoke about AKATSUKI and what Keito had meant for them. They announced that AKATSUKI would no longer be an idol unit, and both Kuro and Souma will work in production for the meantime. Kuro would assist with costumes while Souma would offer aid to Anzu for now. It seemed that neither of them wanted to continue AKATSUKI’s name without Keito there, though Eichi had thought as much.
The smell of incense is strong, especially near the casket that has other flowers and fruits laid around the table where the casket was propped on. Despite the overwhelming scent that reminded Eichi of death, he eventually made his way over to the open casket when the ceremony was over.
He didn’t seem to have to fight anyone for a spot to look at Keito as everyone gently moved out of his way to offer Eichi his moment to say his final goodbyes.
“...How ironic… you look so at peace, Keito.” Eichi stared at the figure - the corpse - that was once his beloved childhood friend. No bags under Keito’s eyes, his glasses still placed on him despite the fact his eyes were never going to open again.
His hair done neatly in pressed clothing that’ll eventually be removed off his body so his family could cremate the body. Eichi felt conflicted. They were to take organs out for donation and then burn Keito’s body to ashes as it was the Buddhist faith’s belief that the body is merely a vessel for the soul. Despite that, it pained Eichi to know that’s what would become of Keito’s body. He knew it was in faith, but still… He sort of wished he could preserve Keito’s body in glass to look upon every now and then.
It’s silly to think of, but Keito would remember they’ve talked about it before as children.
“If we preserve your body in glass like Snow White, everyone can see how pretty you are, and always remember you, especially if we add a plaque here!”
“Eeeh? But Keito, what happens if a Prince comes along and kisses me to bring me back to life?”
“Wouldn’t that be a good thing? Wait! That’s not possible, Eichi! Besides, I'll be guarding your casket!”
Silly conversations children have sometimes.
“... I can’t help but wonder why it’s not me in your place, Keito. I’m the one that should’ve died first, do you know how mad at you I am?” Eichi chuckled, though it was bitter. “I shouldn’t be so mean… this is meant to be my final goodbye to you, Keito. Perhaps I’m stalling because I don’t want it to finally end.” Eichi took a deep breath, staring at Keito who had nothing to say back.
“I can’t help but think about what if I had gone to you after you called me, or if I tried to call back… if I never told you about wanting to become an idol… if we had never met. Would you be alive today?” Eichi leaned over, hands gently on the other’s casket while others watched.
“But you’re the type that would tell me to stop thinking about what ifs , right? What's happened has happened… and all we can do is move forward. That’s what you would say to me. But Keito… how can I move on when you’re no longer here?” Eichi sniffed, tears welling up in his eyes.
“How can I possibly move forward when you’re not beside me? The path we were meant to walk on together…” Eichi shook his head. “It’s going to be difficult… I’ll miss you… but I’ll do my best. Keito, everyone’s going to miss you…” Eichi closed his eyes and wiped away the tears that were threatening to fall. He almost cried while singing earlier, and even before he took a step onto the premises Eichi was near bursting out into tears. It was here at the temple where they always played together as children after all.
“I could stand here and apologize to you, but I’ve already done so every night since you’ve been gone. But here, I should be a bit more professional amongst our peers right?” Eichi offered a pained smile, his fingers gripping on the edge of the casket. “Thank you… for always being by my side. For taking care of not only me, but everyone that has had the pleasure of knowing you, Keito. You worked on my funeral to make sure that I will never be forgotten, but Keito I will make sure you are never gone.
“I will make sure that your legacy is always remembered. A beautiful man that had a creative soul, a storyteller who wanted to share his stories with the world, I’ll make sure those stories are told, Keito. That’s my resolve, it’s the least I can do for you.” Eichi offered another trembling smile, his chest aching.
And in a soft whisper, leaning into the casket.
“I love you, and I always will, Keito.”
A confession said too late, but at least Eichi has said it. It’s much easier when you’re a child who can easily pat each other’s head and say there there than now as adult men who had business to attend to, but maybe Eichi should’ve said it a bit more. It doesn’t matter though, not anymore.
Eichi offered another look before turning away, walking to the corner to bow and pay respects to Keito’s parents and brother. Before he could leave to head outside, Eichi’s hand was taken by Keito’s mother.
She’s a woman who Keito likely got his lecturing personality from as Keito’s mother always lectured the two of them as children, but Eichi also knew that it was this woman whom Keito got his eye color from. Eichi won’t admit it out loud, but it’s rather painful to look at her right now.
He politely bowed to her but his eyes widened when Keito’s mother offered to give some of Keito’s ashes to Eichi. She’s insisting it be placed somewhere in ES for the other idols who have gathered and shown her how much Keito had touched others.
Eichi swallowed thickly before nodding, expressing that he’d like to check with the other idols before doing so, and that he’s excusing himself to get some air.
His pace was quick as Eichi made his way outside of the ritual area, taking a deep breath as took a seat in front of the steps, looking back to offer a hand to the other members of fine who were watching him in concern. He just needed to be alone for a bit.
They seem to hesitate, but at least they can see Eichi from inside, so they let him be. His medical staff are posted around as well so Eichi isn’t completely alone right now. If only Keito had people watching him– No. He can’t think about that right now.
The idea of keeping a part of Keito’s ashes in the dormitories or ES? What would other people think? Was it too soon to add something like that? Of course it’ll take a moment to have Keito cremated but…
What does Eichi think about it? Honestly? He’s not at all thrilled at the idea of having part of Keito’s ashes in a jar. Eichi isn’t sure if he’s not thrilled because it would be reducing Keito to some sort of mantle piece, or if he’s not thrilled because the ashes are meant for everyone and not just Eichi.
To have a little pouch of Keito’s ashes for himself… is it really that selfish to want something like that?
Who cares? Eichi you don’t need ashes to remember me by.
Eichi chuckled at that before leaning back against the support beam in the corner of the steps.
“I said that, didn’t I? That I’ll forever keep your memory for all to know, but is it selfish of me to want to keep part of you to myself? Now that you’ve died, it’s almost as if you’ve become something more… like you’ve ascended into something everyone can worship. What about me, Keito?” Where is the aspect of their relationship that only the two of them knew? Eichi’s having difficulties sharing Keito even in death, it seems.
What about me? You’re the only one who can hear me, doesn’t that count for something?
“Ha~ But you’re basically part of me. It’s a bit pathetic, isn’t it?” Eichi sighed again before looking over his shoulder to see the mourners walk around. He’s not the only one in so much pain; Eichi is struggling when all of his emotions come bursting through the seams. Sometimes he felt guilty and like he deserved to die for Keito’s sake… while other parts of him are desperately clinging onto whatever he could to keep Keito his.
“I’m still hoping that I’ll wake up to you scolding me, pushing me to get out of bed because I’ve overslept…~ I’ll probably keep hoping that for a long time… Maybe even a year from now.” Will Eichi live that long? He isn’t quite sure, and it’s not because he doesn’t want to live longer, it's because death can come at any point and time. His own Angel of Death had been invited to early retirement after all…
Is that how you’re going to live your life? In constant mourning?
“Why not? I’ll forever mourn you. Wouldn’t you have done the same?” Eichi asked, though there wasn’t a response.
“...” Eichi felt his heart race, his watch also beeping in the change of pace.
“Keito? Please talk to me, please don’t go–”
Tch. Eichi you can’t keep relying on me. What’s happened has happened, you’ll need to move on–
“I know! I know, you… you’re not even him, I know. But… just for a bit.” He pleaded softly. Eichi swore he could hear that sigh, the one he always heard when Keito would give in to his demands.
I won’t be here forever, you know.
Eichi let out a cruel laugh, the strain in his voice apparent as Eichi crossed his arms, keeping himself warm.
“Oh I know. I mean, I’ve already lost you, of course I know that.” Eichi chuckled to himself before rubbing at his arms. “Between you and me… you always seemed so invincible. I was supposed to be the weak one, you always took care of me… so now…”
You’re at a loss? You certainly didn’t always need me to take care of you, Eichi. You’re a grown man, you can take care of yourself now.
“...That’s cruel to say, don’t you think?”
Telling you the truth is cruel? You didn’t need me to take care of you anymore, I continued doing so because that’s just how I was, but you can walk your own path just fine, Eichi.
“It’s difficult, Keito. You wouldn’t know, you’re a figment of my imagination.”
So what, Eichi?
Eichi laughed, leaning back as held onto himself, looking up at the roof tiles of the temple buildings. Then above to the sky that was blue with a few clouds here and there.
“Even though it's winter, it’s still a nice day out.” Eichi took a moment to stare, to wonder a bit.
When it’s his turn to have his funeral, would the sky be this clear? It’s peculiar to think about, but Eichi can’t seem to shake the thoughts out of his head as he got up, walking towards the koi pond that was around the corner.
He recalled one of Keito’s chores as a child was to feed the koi. Eichi remembered seeing Keito drag this bucket of koi feed and carefully feed the fish with Eichi watching by his side. Actually, the bucket is still the same, Eichi noticed, and he wondered if any of these fish recognized them – him.
“I wonder… what you would have done after finishing my funeral.” Eichi spoke softly. “Would you have quit being an idol, or would you have continued? Would you have tried to continue but find it difficult each day? Would you have given up your life?” Eichi stared as the koi fish came up to the water’s surface to gape.
Eichi’s only explaining his thoughts for himself out loud, though he does wonder what Keito would’ve done. It’s easier to imagine if he was the dead one, though Eichi was sure Keito would’ve continued walking forward and taken over part of Eichi’s work in StarPro. Yes… Keito was far stronger than he ever was.
What’s the point in asking questions you’ll never get the answer to? Are you giving up on your life?
“...” Eichi thought about it for a moment, reaching down and letting his fingers caress the surface. The koi fish swim closer and try to suck in Eichi’s fingers but after discovering the idol was not food they stopped.
Eichi?
“No, I want to live. I said I’d keep your memory alive, and I meant it. This won’t become a broken promise.” Eichi couldn’t throw away his life after all they’ve sacrificed and traversed together to reach this point. There’s still so much to be done and a lot more road to walk.
“If I threw away my life, I’d be destroying everything we’ve worked for… together. I know I’m selfish, but I couldn’t do that to you. I wouldn’t be able to bear it, it would haunt me even past the afterlife.” Well, there’s certainly a lot of things that would haunt Eichi more than likely. He sighed once again before he took a moment to lie down in the garden.
He could imagine the young Keito scolding him for lying down in the zen garden. Keito would tell Eichi if he wanted to lie down they should do it somewhere else, and then he would take Eichi and lead him towards the grass where they probably could lie on.
Memories seem to fade over time only to come back when your emotions are scattered it seemed, though Eichi had always been able to remember these memories the two of them shared. To a child who thought any day would be his last, Eichi always remembered the little things they did. Perhaps it’s because of Keito’s death that Eichi could see it more clearly, but he had always cherished these moments.
“Can I ask something of you?” Eichi called out softly, looking up at the sky. In the distance he could hear children playing, which is unlikely to be real. Perhaps it’s the memories he’s remembering right now playing so vividly they seemed real.
What is it, Eichi?
Eichi could remember the concern Keito had in his eyes when Eichi scraped his knee. It wasn’t scolding as Keito normally was like, but there was a sense of fear in the child’s eyes that was different from what Eichi normally saw in the adults that took care of him. He remembered the genuine concern Keito had, and the words that followed after.
“You fell really far, Eichi! I was really scared! Don’t do that again, okay?”
Eichi couldn’t help but think… ah, this is love isn’t it?
Keito loved him, Eichi knew that. He was always someone that showed with actions, but just for right now… Eichi could ask for something selfish.
“Can you tell me you love me?”
There is a silence, one that made Eichi’s heart pick up again as he held onto his chest. Tears began to well up once more as he waited, hiccupping as his tears began to run off his cheeks.
“Please?”
You already know, Eichi.
“I want to hear it, please , Keito.”
There is another long silence, and Eichi can’t help but start to sob a bit.
Why is it taking so long? It’s the Keito in his own head, shouldn’t he say it? Or perhaps there were still parts of Eichi that didn’t want to hear it. That knows it’s fake and that these words are meaningless because they’re not Keito’s.
I love you, Eichi.
Eichi let out a loud sob, hands going to his eyes as he began to cry harder, feeling his heart reaching dangerous beats. His medical staff will find him soon, but right now he just wanted to fall into the Earth and cry. Loud enough for Keito to hear him.
I have always loved you, and I will continue to love you, Eichi. No matter how far we are, my heart has always been yours.
“I-I want to see you, Keito– I want to see you again–” Eichi sobbed out, rubbing at his eyes as he took large gulps of air during his wailing.
Eichi, we’ll see each other again one day.
And he isn’t sure if he believes that; how does anyone know what happens to them after they die? It was the question that Keito used to seek after, and Eichi always had a suspicion it was partially because of him. If Keito could find out what happens to humans after they’ve died, then maybe Keito could reassure Eichi when he was in fear. Was it presumptuous for Eichi to think that was the reason?
Who knows what happened to them after death, but there’s one person that Eichi could believe in better than any god. Even if he’s gone and all that’s left is a made-up version, Eichi can put his trust into it. It’s all he has now after all.
So he’ll believe Keito – believe that one day they’ll see each other again.