Chapter Text
“Oh, no…” was Felix's first reaction as soon as he opened his eyes and saw his baby snuggled on one of his pillows.
Now, he knew what you're thinking, 'What about it, it's just a simple thing' — except that it was not. Usually, when Kkami starts the morning like this, it's an indication of a day full of hardship for Felix.
“Not again, baby. Don't do this to Mommy today, honey. Mommy is very tired,” He almost begged.
He just stayed back at work overtime last night, trying to finish all his work so he could spend the weekend just chilling around in their — his home without having to think about anything, and now that was impossible as his dog was yet again, in another episode of tantrum.
He tapped his hand on the bed, asking for Kkami to get to his side, but the stubborn boy only stared at him before snuggling further into that man's pillows.
“C'mon, baby. Come here to Mommy.”
Still no movement from his dog.
Felix groaned in frustration.
He knew very well how to soothe Kkami to stop his sulking, and usually, it's only one reason why he went on like this anyway, and that was to see his dad.
Before Felix and his ex broke up, they decided to adopt a dog together, and even though they were all very happy and he's got a good relationship with Kkami, he couldn't deny that his little boy was closer to his Dad.
They would spend time together, go on walks together, and sometimes his ex would even allow the little one to sleep on the bed with them.
That man spoiled his little Kkami rotten, and now he's gotten stubborn and acted like a real brat once in a while.
Kkami was very confused when Felix and Hyunjin decided to split and the older moved out of their place the next day.
Felix wanted to keep Kkami, convincing himself it's not more than the love he had for him — any other reasons, drowned in rationality. He didn't need it.
Kkami was clearly sad about not seeing his Dad as often as he used to. For the first few months, their — his baby was listless, almost refusing to do anything or to even get up off his bed besides Felix's. He even took Kkami to the vet, having been worried about how unusually inert he was only for the doctor to say that there was nothing wrong with him, but was just feeling the blues. Felix didn't need to know more or ask why because he already knew why.
Hard to deny when at times, he would sleep on his Dad's side of the bed. It was a little hard when he did because then he usually refused to do anything that his Mommy would say. He wouldn't eat or drink anything, pushing Felix to go around, almost bending and rolling off the floor, trying his best to find a solution of his own before resorting to the last option of calling Hyunjin to help him as the concern he felt for his dog is greater than the discomfort of seeing his ex, and even bigger than his pride.
Asking Hyunjin to come had to be the most awkward thing Felix had ever done since the taller left. Telling Hyunjin that their Kkami missed him sounded like utter bullshit, and yet he was thankful that Hyunjin would always agree to come and pick up their boy.
As soon as Hyunjin arrived and called for Kkami's name, the little one would be up in no time, running towards his Dad and barking and wagging his tail. The limping boy, suddenly full of energy.
Felix would try to avert his eyes somewhere else because the sight was too painful for him. And his heart wouldn't stop pounding inside his chest. He would always end up feeling bad for separating the two of them still, he couldn't find it in himself to give Kkami up.
He's the only one Felix had. The pain from his separation from his partner was bearable because he had Kkami by his side to distract him away from the thoughts and the pain that came with it.
He just lost the most important person in his life, he couldn't just lose another important boy. He's not that strong to be losing everything at the same time.
“Baby, I can't call Daddy right now, that would be too much. You just spent the day with him the other day, we can't keep disturbing him, baby,” He pleaded, pushing himself off the bed and taking Kkami with him.
The little one let out a small whimpering sound and Felix tried his best to hold himself together and not give in.
He put his pup down in the living room while he went to the kitchen to make Kkami his food and breakfast for himself.
He finished making Kkami's first, and then he continued making pancakes and coffee, hoping by the time he came back to the living room (yes, he eats breakfast in the living room, what about it?) Kkami would be done with his meal, but the stubborn boy didn't even throw a glance at his food, even going as far as turning his back in the direction of his food bowl as some type of a protest.
See how stubborn he gets when he's like this? However, Felix wouldn't give in. He won't bother Hyunjin on his rest day, especially when he already spent his Wednesday tending to their son.
He wondered if he could use some type of hypnosis on the dog so he would forget about the other male?
The thought was quickly brushed away as soon as it came. He won't ever do that to Kkami. He's crazy for even considering.
“Eat your food, please, or we won't be playing outside,” Felix tried to warn him. Kkami loved playing outside on a good day, most of the time it worked but it seemed like today was not one of those as his baby still didn't make a move.
“Well if you don't want to, fine! Starve then,” Felix grumbled, frustrated.
He took his pancakes and shoved a huge piece into his mouth, chewing grumpily.
Felix decided to scroll through his phone, trying to distract himself even though he couldn't help side-eyeing Kkami from time to time, seeing as the boy still hadn't made a move and it's already past his breakfast time.
Gone was the plan to spend a nice lazy day with Kkami since the little one decided that he loved his Dad more than his Mom.
It made him feel bitter, to be honest. However, he couldn't really blame anyone and it frustrated him even more.
Letting out a sigh, Felix went back to the kitchen to wash the dishes then opted to just give this new beef recipe a try, hoping by the time he was finished, Kkami was finally down with his fits.
—
So to say, he was too focused on the new dish. He didn't know the process would take too much time, and it was almost past lunch when he was done making the Beef Wellington Minho suggested to him. Why did he listen to his hyung when he told him it would be easy? He's a fool, honestly.
It was a huge success, though, thankfully. It tasted good for his first try. The meat was tender and the flavour was there, though he was convinced he could still improve it.
He just hoped he had someone to taste test it for him like how Hyun –
No.
He refused to go there.
It was done. Surely Hyunjin was a huge help when it came to Felix experimenting new dishes. Hyunjin would tell him how it was, what's yet to improve and what's to lessen. He's good at giving honest feedback, and it always helped Felix with his cooking. Thanks to him Felix got even into cooking, finding it in himself that he liked occupying his mind with things, enjoying making something from scraps for the people he lov –
Bro, what the fuck? He just said he won't go there… but he still went on about it.
Failure, failing and Felix. Ugh!
All of a sudden, his dog's face flashed in his head, and he instantly put his utensils down. “Shit, Kkami!” He immediately rushed out of the kitchen, checking on his baby.
He saw Kkami still where he was when Felix last saw him and the food remained untouched.
It was seriously beginning to make him worry since it's almost eleven noon and Kkami still hadn't touched his first meal.
“Kkami, baby, please eat,” He tried to woo him with the softest tone possible, coming close to where his dog was and brushing the soft fur. “I didn't mean what I said earlier, please, just eat. Mommy's starting to worry and Dad won't like it if he hears about you skipping meals again,” He went on, as though their dog could understand what he was saying.
Kkami only moved a little, repositioning himself so his head would be on the other side, facing the opposite way of Felix.
“How about toys, baby? Let's play,” no response. “Oh, I know! Let's go to the park? You can play with kids there!” Still nothing.
He groaned.
Why is this kid so fucking stubborn? It's Hyunjin's fault. He spoiled their little Kkami a little too much!
Sighing in defeat, Felix took his phone off the table where he put it, finally caving in. “Okay, I'll call Dad! I'll call him now, happy?” He cried, glaring at the boy whose ears perked up hearing the word Dad.
This little shit, I swear…
With a few deep breaths, he dialed Hyunjin's number, the other picking up after the third ring.
“Hi,” he greeted, trying to tame his heart with the wild beating.
Too loud, he might hear us! Fucking tone it down, you there, little guy.
“Hey, you called?” Hyunjin responded, his voice still a little raspy and rough from sleep. Hyunjin usually slept in on weekends, explaining why he's only woken up now.
The taller probably still had no plans of getting off the bed until Felix rang him up.
It took all of Felix's strength not to swoon. He loved hearing Hyunjin's voice first thing in the morning. It's just so raspy and… sexy.
And what the hell was he thinking?
Erase.
“Hey, I'm sorry, but Kkami… I really don't want to disturb you, but this brat won't eat anything. He's in his usual Dad tantrums again, and I really tried to stop him, but he won't listen. He hasn't touched his food and won't even look at me!” He paused, inhaling as he went on with his venting. “I really want to spend the weekend with him, but he's being like this, this little…” he glared at the pup once more who only followed his movements while wagging his cute little tail. How annoying. “What I mean is, it seems like he didn't want that with me, so if you could pick him up, that would be great.”
“He slept on my side of the bed again?” Hyunjin asked, chuckling softly. He already knew what antics Kkami pulled when he wanted to see him.
Felix didn't plan to tell him, but he needed to justify why he must contact Hyunjin the first time. He needed to tell him how it all started in order not to be misunderstood.
“Yes, goddamn it!” He whisper-yelled, covering his mouth after. “Why no one loves me in this house?”
“Because you kicked me out.”
“Did you say something?” Felix asked.
“I said I'll be there in a minute. Do you need me to get you something?” Was Hyunjin's reply.
“A new dog. One that will love only me, please, and one that will listen to his Mommy,” Felix made sure to emphasize the last word while still staring sharply at Kkami who only rolled over, melting away the annoyance that he felt.
“Yep, that's not possible. Don't scare our son like that,” Hyunjin chuckled. “I'll bring you strawberries instead.”
“See you later,” Felix muttered, then hung up.
As soon as the call ended Felix breathed out long and hard, his hand going over his chest to try and calm himself down. “Fuck you, shut up. You probably heard that wrong,” He mumbled, trying to convince his heart to stop with the annoying jumping. “Right, it's just one of your delusions again, you broken-hearted delulu.”
Right, right. It made sense if he thought about it that way. After all, it's not the first time he had imagined Hyunjin saying something like that. There's even this one time when Felix had heard him saying he missed him and that he wanted him back, except Hyunjin wasn't even in the same room with him.
His mind had been fucking with him because of loneliness, and Felix didn't know whether to be scared or what. Even so, therapy was one of his go-to options if it kept on.
He might've heard Hyunjin's comment as to why he didn't have anyone to love him in that house anymore. Even though, in his imagination, Felix could still hear the sadness in Hyunjin's voice so clearly… however, he couldn't dwell on it.
He shouldn't.
It was over.
It's just impossible because the only thing that was there for them, the only reason that they're still somewhat bound to each other was their Kkami.
—
Felix watched as Kkami waited by the door patiently, waiting for the cold metal to swing open and reveal his favourite human that was obviously not Felix.
Truth still stung.
Kkami still hadn't touched his food, and Felix willed himself to stay still, not wanting to disturb the pup's peace after a long while of sulking.
As soon as little Kkami heard the sound of the door's passcode being entered, his tail started wagging frantically, excitement oozing out of his little body. Then the door opened, revealing Hyunjin with the brightest smile. And if you're asking why he still hadn't changed the passcode to the door, the answer was for emergencies. In case something happened to Kkami while Felix was at work, at least Hyunjin could come and be there.
Unhealthy, but if it's for his boy, then it didn't matter.
Kkami started wiggling around, barking as he circled around Hyunjin's feet.
“Hey, buddy,” Hyunjin greeted their baby, picking him up and laughing as Kkami licked on his cheek. “I missed you too, little guy.”
Felix looked away, unable to maintain the calmness on his chest. He should've known better than to wait and watch the scene unfold, because now, his heart was aching.
He missed that view so much. He missed that after Hyunjin showed up on their door, the first thing he would do was to smother Felix with kisses as if they hadn't seen each other for a long time even though in reality, Hyunjin just had a short trip to the convenience store down the block.
It was gone now though. It's almost been a year since Felix decided to let it go.
He made his bed (of thorns), and he had to lie in it even bleeding.
“Hey.”
Felix was pulled out of his thoughts when Hyunjin came to view with Kkami in his arms and also some plastic bags the shorter didn't notice he had with him.
“Hi,” Felix replied as casually as he could. “I tried making a new dish earlier. I hope you're hungry.”
“New dish? Do tell. I'm a little starved,” The taller sounded so excited, almost like how he was when they're still together. His eyes would always lighten up whenever he heard about Felix trying to make new things and it sent another pinch on his chest.
Clearing his throat, Felix tried to busy himself with rearranging recipe books on the small shelf beside the couch. “Tried making beef wellington,” He answered. “I also made some tomato soup to go along.”
“Sounds delicious,” Hyunjin commented. “I also bought you some strawberries as I said, with maybe a few more that I failed to inform you about,” He informed him almost sheepishly.
Cocking up a brow, Felix asked. “Like what?”
“Bananas, apples, cherries, grapes and these little red round things. I don't know what it's called. Just check for yourself.”
Felix's forehead knitted. “Why so many?”
“I don't know, the store has them so I brought them. I know you like snacking on fruits after work,” Hyunjin put Kkami down in front of his feeding bowl, “It’s time to eat, baby,” he gave the small dog a gentle caress in the head, and just like magic, the little demon obeyed.
Felix watched in astonishment as Kkami proceeded to devour the food he refused to touch earlier with such vigor as if he had been starved on purpose, distracting him from properly sinking in the words Hyunjin had said.
“You little…!” He gasped with a hand on his chest even though it always happened, it still didn't lessen the jab of pain when it did. “I’m offended! You hear that, Kkami? Mommy's offended!”
Their son completely ignored Felix, making the taller laugh which in return, earned a sharp glare from the younger. “What? Don't look at me like that.”
“You. Are. Annoying,” He rolled his eyes, pushing himself off the couch to make his way to the kitchen.
“How is that my fault?” Hyunjin followed suit, once again carrying the plastic bags of fruits, putting it on the kitchen aisle.
“Because it was. Now, shut up and just eat your wellington before I stuff you in the oven myself and bake you at 180° for 20 minutes,” He grumbled while preparing Hyunjin his food, using the exact same words Minho would always use to threaten the taller.
Said male barked out in laughter, finding humour in Felix's snarkiness. “You really shouldn't be hanging out with Minho hyung often.”
Felix huffed, rolling his eyes once more before going ahead and washing the fruits Hyunjin bought.
For a moment the only sound that was shared between them was the running water and the clinking of utensils to the ceramics.
It was nice… having Hyunjin this close to him again was nice.
Sharing silence with him, bickering with him. Even being annoyed by him was also nice.
They said that having a bad break-up was the worst, but Felix thought having an amicable and peaceful separation was just as miserable.
He wanted to ditch functions as a way to avoid Hyunjin but it wasn't possible because then their friends would question him, for they already know that the split wasn't made on a bad term. They said they'll remain friends and since they're in the same circle, it was inevitable that they would be in the same room occasionally.
Acting nonchalant was hard. He wanted to keep distance from the other, but circumstances would always pull them back together. Biggest example was their little Kkami's clinginess towards the both of them, and now his ex was having a meal in his kitchen once again.
“You know,” Felix blinked, out of his head once again as Hyunjin went beside him on the sink with his plates. “What do you say we walk Kkami to the park? Or maybe we could visit that open garden Jisung was telling us about before.”
Placing all the fruits in a display basket, Felix wiped his hand clean of water, moving aside to give way to the taller so he could start washing the dishes. “I thought you're taking him out? It's fine if you want to take him there, I'll just stay here and watch some drama.”
Proposing something like that when they're only supposed to co-parent their Kkami sounded a bit…
“Why spend the day locked in? Just come with us. I'm pretty sure Kkami would be happy since it's been long since we last took him somewhere,” The other tried to convince him.
Felix bit on his lips hesitantly. He didn't want to, but why was he considering it?
How was he supposed to move on if he always ended up giving in? It was frustrating.
“Please? I think it would be good for you as well to get some sunshine. You're looking more pale, Bokkie,” Hyunjin turned to face him, worry evident in his face with his little pout and furrowed brows.
Mentally, Felix was gone.
“Water’s dripping to the floor,” Felix pointed out the droplets of water falling from Hyunjin's elbows who's still in the middle of soaping a spoon.
“Oh, sorry, I'll clean it up.”
Sighing, Felix went over and did it himself, wiping the wet spot with some tissues. “One hour.”
“Sorry?”
The taller was back again to rinsing everything after thanking Felix for cleaning up for him.
“Just give me one hour then we can go.”
He discarded the tissues to the bin, not waiting for Hyunjin's response as he left the kitchen and headed for his room, not forgetting to check after Kkami on the way.
—
Five minutes past the agreed time, Felix was finally out of his room, looking like a decent living human for the first time in what seemed like forever.
When was the last time he had taken his time to dress up and make up himself? Even the new pleated skirt and the white oversized fluffy sweater that was loose around the neck — had been in his closet for a while now, still unused and hadn't seen the time of the day.
Nonetheless, it was nice to doll up again after all this time. He never felt pretty for so long.
Staring at the mirror, he couldn't help but ask himself if he didn't look too glammed up to be going out with his ex? Why was he going out with him in the first place? What convinced him?
The concern reflecting thickly in his eyes? The soft voice he had used that almost sounded like a plea? Kkami? What was it?
It felt wrong… but it felt familiar. Too familiar that he just found himself sighing his worries out along with the shake of his head. They're friends. Friends could hang out sometimes too. (He's stupid, don't be like him. Let's all be a better person in 2024.)
Only for today.
When he emerged from his room, he caught sight of Hyunjin getting Kkami ready. The bag containing all of Kkami's essentials was also ready to go.
“Alright, I'm good. Shall we go?”
Hyunjin whipped around, stopping when their eyes met. His gaze carefully scanned Felix's body, specifically his outfit with a slight dip in his forehead.
“Isn’t it too short?” He asked, motioning towards Felix's skirt that truthfully didn't even cover half of his thighs.
Felix's face flushed. In the light of, the taller was conservative and a little protective over him, although Hyunjin wasn't one to comment on Felix's clothing even when sometimes he liked exposing a bit of skin, so maybe the skirt was really too short?
“You think so?” he asked, embarrassed, pulling the hem in an attempt to hide more of his thighs. “I’ll just change then –”
“No, don't. I'm sorry I said that wrong. You look very pretty, Yongbok-ah,” Hyunjin stood up from where he was knelt down in front of Kkami, dusting his knees, forehead softening as well as his voice.
Even when he couldn't see, Felix was pretty sure he was blushing harder in that moment from the compliment. “Thank you, but I think I'll just change into a pair of shorts.”
“I mean it, Yongbok. You look pretty in it,” The taller walked closer to him, placing a hand on top of Felix's head, careful not to mess up his styled hair. “I’m not sure why I said it like that, but I promise you it's fine. I’m just thinking you might get cold.”
Oh, right. After all, autumn's almost over.
“Then I'll just put my coat on.”
“Yeah, that'll be better,” Hyunjin put his thumbs up. Felix nodded in return, but before he could leave, he heard another remark that had his head spinning. “Besides, It should be fine. I’ve been boxing for a while now, I'm sure I can protect you just fine if need be.”
Wild.
The beating of Felix's heart was wild.
Why was Hyunjin like that? Even though the last statement seemed like it wasn't meant for Felix to hear, still it had him questioning why he was saying things like that? They might be friends but still, they are exes. And exes don't say those things to each other with the softest eyes and gentlest of voices. Exes don't tell their ex they look pretty and mean it. Exes weren't supposed to do that.
“I – o-okay, uhm, I'll just get my coat,” He quickly walked away and into his room, ignoring the loud hammering in his chest as he retrieved the first coat he could get his hands on from his cabinet.
“I've been wanting to see you in that coat. I always thought it will look good on you, and I'm not wrong.”
Almost instantaneously, his eyes went down to his coat, face flaming mad as he realized why Hyunjin had a goofy smile on his face.
It was the coat the taller had gifted Felix on their eight anniversary. The last anniversary that they had celebrated together.
Averting his eyes to where Kkami was staring at them from behind Hyunjin, Felix scrambled to reply. “A-anyway, we should leave. Kkami looks bored,” then he was quick to escape the taller, picking up the poor dog who had to witness Felix blurring out of his own mind.
Maybe he heard Hyunjin mumble the word ‘cute’, which Felix rightfully ignored along with the pestering in his chest, going ahead and leaving Hyunjin to lock the door for them.
There he goes again.
—
Having Kkami at the back safely buckled up on his seat, Hyunjin behind the wheel and Felix on the passenger had given Felix a whiplash of what they used to have.
Going out on Sundays to a park or to a mall, or anywhere they could bring Kkami along just to bond with him, pour attention to him — used to be Felix's norm. For three years, since their Kkami came along and completed their little family.
It felt so normal. He felt placed, but at the same time he felt strange. The silence felt strange. Not having a big hand gripping his thing felt strange. Not having to talk and share with Hyunjin his thoughts or anything about his day felt strange. Not being able to steal kisses from him at every stop light felt strange.
But what's even more strange was having Hyunjin there, and having to live the same scene again after force-feeding himself that it would never happen again.
It was wrong. Reliving those memories was wrong. Going out with Hyunjin in the name of doing it for their Kkami felt so wrong.
He should stop. He really should stop thinking about those things.
Being in the same room with Hyunjin was bad enough, now they're even in a cramped car together. His head was a mess and he didn't know what to think about or what to feel anymore. There's a bile in his throat that's slowly aiming to burst, and Felix had been trying his best to get his mind to somewhere else just to forget about it and brush away the nostalgia, and the strong wave of guilt he didn't need.
Agreeing to come with Hyunjin was such a big mistake. He shouldn't have come.
Maybe he should just go along with Jeongin's matchmaking shenanigans. He should've done it a long time ago. Maybe he should start going out more as his first step to moving on, too.
Entertaining his longing and all the lingering feelings he held for Hyunjin would only make things messy.
Maybe if he started meeting new people again, even if it's not with the intention to commit but just to get his mind off of Hyun –
“What are you thinking about?”
“That I should try dating again soon.”
Felix took a while to realize what he had just said, and a gasp got stuck in his throat once it finally dawned on him.
He turned his head towards Hyunjin, blinking his eyes with disbelief. He didn't mean to say it out loud. The other just caught him off guard.
“I see,” Hyunjin let out, eyes back at the road, face unreadable but reflecting coldness.
Felix tried to suppress a shiver.
He fucked up.
“H-Hyun, it's not like –”
“Don’t explain,” The other interrupted, voice flat, incomprehensible, “You don't have to.”
Felix tried to open his mouth and say something but no words would come out. His throat constricted and he couldn't make a sound.
Hyunjin, after a while, decided to just turn on the radio with such loud and heavy music playing, leaving no place for conversation.
‘Please, don't get me wrong,
Because I'll never let this go,
But I can't find the words to tell you,’
The lyrics flew out of the radio, occupying the silence that had built a wall of tension between them, and Felix felt a pang in his chest as it seemed to have described perfectly well what was going on inside his head, aligning all the words where it should be to make perfect sense.
He had said something he didn't mean and his chest tightened at the thought of Hyunjin getting him wrong… but he didn't know how to tell him or where to start.
One thing was for sure though, he didn't want to let his life with Hyunjin go. Never did.
But it's too late now… long too late.