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He couldn’t breathe… it was all too real.. he couldn't tell where he was. Everything was too loud, too bright, the blood burning red into Theo’s eyes. His eyes met the red eyes of the body in front of him and-
Theo bolted up from his bed, his breathing rapid, eyes darting around the room. It was just a dream Rikka, you’re alright, you’ll be alright. Theo took a deep breath, feeling himself calm as he rested his face into his hands, ignoring how damp his face was.
Yet another shitty nightmare, each more vivid than the last. Theo shook his head slowly. See none of that was real, Haru is right… Theo quickly looked over to the right side of his bed.. Haru is right here.. see nothing to worry about.
Theo stares intensely at Haru’s sleeping form, imprinting him into his mind. See he’s fine… he’s just fine he’s right next to me.. He hasn’t died.. Theo stopped before the final word could reach his thoughts.Yet.
He didn’t want to think about that.
Not now.
Not ever
He returned his gaze to Haru’s sleeping form. It was calming, watching Haru’s steady breathing, and how expressive his face was , even when he was asleep. Theo smiled as small sounds escaped Haru’s lips.
They’ve shared a bed .. for a while now, Theo couldn’t fully remember when it all started. This was a normal occurrence for them . It just… felt so natural.
At first it was Haru.. one night he woke up in such a frenzy, Theo couldn't just leave him like that, panicking and sobbing. That would be cruel. Theo tried to remember what his parents did for him when he was young.. emulated that, climbing into the bed next to Haru, petting his hair and rubbing his back… only for Haru to fall back asleep clutching him tightly.
They avoided each other the next day.
Then it was Theo, who woke up in a panicked loud sob.. causing the redhead to jump to comfort him. .. Theo doesn't remember much of this night other than the fact he was picked up.. and woke up in Haru’s bed, wrapped within Haru’s arms.
They couldn’t meet each other’s eyes for a week.
It went back and forth for a while, brief moments of comfort throughout the night, to the awkward interactions the days following. It wasn’t until Haru took the initiative and jumped into Theo’s bed one night, without the pretense of bad dreams. He waltzed on over and made himself comfortable. Other nights Theo did the same. It became a routine.
Their routine.
They never spoke about it, never brought it up.
They didn’t have to.
Theo didn't know when his feelings changed.. or if they did.. but he found himself seeking out Haru whenever he could. Looking for his eyes in the barracks, listening to his laughs in the common room, sitting down next to him at meals. Theo sought him out.
The redhead was a joyful yet calming presence to Theo. Soon enough it became hard for him to sleep unless he could hear his steady breathing or feel his warm arms around his waist. It felt so natural. So natural that it scared Theo. He didn't know what to even name these feelings, his feelings. He never thought about it too much, he never wanted to. Anytime he did, it led to him overthinking and springing himself into a panic. But he knew one thing,
He wanted to be close to Haru.
Theo tentatively reached a hand out to Haru’s sleeping form. I want.. to pet his hair.. I want to be close to him but .. he hesitated, I can't.. he retracted his hand. They never spoke about this. Affection was something the 86 couldn’t afford to have for each other.
Hell, Theo didn't even know if Haru felt the same way about him. We are transactional . We help each other sleep that's all. Why would I assume there’s anything else?
Theo laid down gently so as to not disturb Haru.. I wish… what do I even wish for. Theo didn't know.. He wanted to be close to Haru.. wanted to be held by him as they slept… wanted to card his fingers through his hair, wanted to hear his thoughts, his laugh.. He wanted to see him smile.. And be the reason he did..
No, that's selfish. I can only dream of his comfort … but why would he feel the same.
Theo closed his eyes tightly, fighting back the images that surfaced, the countless moments they have spent together. The times Haru fell asleep on Theo’s shoulder while he was drawing, the time Haru caught him when he tripped-twice- the teasing, the gazes, the smiles they reserved for each other.
His mind began to race with what-ifs, scenarios of a future outside the world of war they grew up in. They’d share a small house together, have two separate rooms but still end up sharing a bed at night, have a small little garden and a few cats. Hey don’t get too carried away Rikka, it’s not like you want to date the guy.. Or whatever Kurena goes on about in relation to Shin.. However despite the, absurdity, of his thoughts, Theo couldn’t help but admit how nice it would have been..
I cannot indulge these .. these thoughts , they're just gonna make everything worse. We aren’t supposed to survive past the six month mark, we are already at five, there isn’t much longer I can’t do this to him.... we are going to die soon.. and I had to go.. get attached to him...what do I even call this.. Haru's so important to me.. what am I supposed to do now ... I don't even know how he feels I can't spring this on him I can't do this we can't do this.. we never talked about.. we never will talk about it.. How do I even phrase this.. how does anyone phrase this.. what does this all.. .. ough … Rikka pull yourself-
Haru turned over and draped an arm over Theo’s waist, forcing Theo out of his thoughts .. heat rushing to his face. Thank the heavens no one else is awake right now . He knew Kurena and Anju would have a field day if they saw him like this.
“Theo…” The boy in question's breath hitched in his throat.. He’s asleep, Rikka.. He’s definitely asleep.
”I…. Loveyou..”
Haru mumbled sleepily before he yawned.
Theo just knew his face was bright red.. A sentiment only made worse by Haru tightening his grip, pulling Theo closer to him.
This just.. Makes everything more complicated, you idiot.. We…. Theo let out a defeated laugh and relaxed into Haru’s embrace, allowing himself to indulge in his warmth, just this once.
I love you too. ~☆