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I am so fucking tired, it was another fricken long ass day, why are they all like this? Haruto thought to himself, the dart in his hand barely keeping his attention. He glanced around the desolate quarters of the barracks . It really is empty here now huh. I really miss everyone. He let out a defeated laugh Won’t be long until we all see them again though. That final mission is in less than a week.
“What are you laughing at Haru?” Theo asked from behind his sketchbook, not bothering to look up. Haru fell back onto the floor, holding the dart up towards the ceiling.
“Nothing in particular, Theo.. What are you drawing today?” Haru asked, dodging the initial question. I can’t have him worry about me more than he already does.
“Nothing. I can't get my hands to work.” Theo sighed, placing his sketchbook onto the table. ”It’s just. So quiet here now” his voice lowered to a whisper.
Haru looked over at him and frowned. Can’t say I like when he’s sad. Haru rose from the floor and quickly made his way over to where Theo was, flopping dramatically onto the couch next to him. Haru looked over and smiled, before laying his head in Theo’s lap.
“Hey! What is all this for!” Theo retored, jumping at the sudden movements “Get off of mee”
“Hahah no thank you bud, you’re a great pillow” Haru laughed as he turned over on his side, closing his eyes for emphasis.
“Sorry but I didn’t sign up for Ha-Haru bed duty today” Theo stammered as he frantically tried to push Haru off with no avail. “Please, I'm going to get too warm,” he complained.
“You’re funny bud, we share a bed all the time” Haru replied, the smirk evident in his voice.
Theo didn’t reply Hehe I know if I looked over right now he'd be as bright as a tomato. He was always so easy to fluster if you knew how to play your cards right. Haru smiled to himself. I love him for it though. He really does care about everyone, despite the fact he tries to hide it. Haru let out a heavy sigh.
“What was that for?” Theo whispered, bringing his hands to pet Haru’s hair gently. Hehe I see he gave up getting me off of him, a point for Haru. I really do love him.
“Just.. like I said you’re a great pillow, I can already feel my fatigue fading away.” Haru turned back over to look Theo in the eyes. Theo looked away quickly avoiding his gaze, but Haru could see the blush that painted his face. He reached up and touched Theo’s face gently, stroking down his cheek “Thank you Theo, my dear”
“Ah.. wh-what was that fo-for?” Theo looked back at Haru, appalled, his voice becoming increasingly frantic.
“You’re sooo fun to tease” Haru chuckled, continuing to run his hand over Theo’s face, feeling it becoming warmer and warmer by the second.
“Stop it Haru, I don’t know how much more of this I can take today” Theo retorted , trying , and failing, to swat Haru’s hands away.
“Hehe, are you feeling better now dear?”
“What do you even mean Haru?”
“Well you looked really sad earlier.. “ Haru sighed, bringing his hand to run through Theo’s hair. It’s always so soft.. Maybe he’ll let me braid it again.
“Oh.. so that’s what this was about.. I’m sorry I worried you” Theo looked away again, moving one hand to rest on top of Haru’s. “Yeah.. I’ll be fine.. Don’t worry Haru.” He looked back and gave a tiny smile to the red head. Ah there it is.. That rare genuine Theoto Rikka smile. I wish he did it more.
“But what about you?” Theo’s face dropped to one of concern” Are you okay? You seemed really distracted today… was it..”
Haru sighed, moving his hand to interlace with Theo’s.
“No , I really am just tired today, probably because of this rainy weather. Depletes me of my energy, you know.” Heh a fucking lie.
Theo glanced over at their interlocked hands ,giving yet another tiny smile, before looking back to Haru. Ah.. he doesn’t look quite convinced… fuck of course I worry him again… I can’t keep doing this.
“ I don’t believe you, Haru. You look like you barely slept at all.. “ Yeah, absolutely not, I’m stopping this now.
“Your hair is so pretty Theo” Haru interrupted” Can I braid it again?”
Theo looked down confused” I mean sure you can.. But that’s not what we are talking about right no-”
“Great! I’ll go ask Anju for a hair brush right now!” Haru sat up quickly from Theo’s lap, dropping his hand before racing off into the other room. Crap crap crap, why did I do that, this is just going to worry him more, what the hell was I thinking. I just. Can’t let him know the truth..
Haru thought of the night prior… how he faked falling asleep .. so that Theo would finally get some rest. Just.. he wouldn’t have gone to sleep if I didn’t.. He knew my nightmares were getting worse, it’s like he could sense them. Theo could barely even keep his eyes open, he was forcing himself awake for my sake… I don’t deserve that… he doesn’t deserve that…
Haru thought about how later.. After Theo finally fell asleep.. Getting out of their bed to go outside… his nails digging into the palms of his hand. Harshly. If only I had ice last night.. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to resort to it.. Again. Haru knew Fido saw him.. The robot watching the red head climb to his favorite spot, the tree behind the barracks, taking out his trusty blade of glass.. Stained red…
I thought.. I’d be fine… but my thoughts were too much last night.. I couldn’t burden Theo with them any longer, the poor dear could barely keep his eyes open. I really do suck huh. Can’t even find a better coping mechanism than..
Haru tried to steady his breathing Crap when did I start hyperventilating? .. I need to find Anju fast, how long have I been out of the common room.. Theo is going to start worrying . Again. I can’t be the cause of it anymore. He frantically continued down the hall, checking every room for a hairbrush… throwing any and all items around..until
No. This.. this was Hariz’s hairbrush… God No.. I miss him . Haru couldn’t stop the sudden wave of sadness that hit him like a train. Crap, how long has it been since he passed? One month? Three? I don’t even know anymore. It should have been me instead of him in that fight… but… no.. I had to be the one that survived.
The others would have preferred Hariz too.. He was easier to get along with… He was never too much.. Like I am.
Haru shook his head No not now, you already had these thoughts last night and you shouldn’t be having them any more, I know this. I should be over this. We are just a group of war weapons, I shouldn’t be having emotions anyway.
We are all just going to die. It’s just a matter of when.
There’s nothing here you can control and you know that Haru. Nothing. Resign to your fate.. The rest of them already have.
He sighed, picking up the hairbrush, before walking back to the common area. Theo remained sitting on the couch, still with a stunned expression
“Look what I found Theoooo now let me braid your hair” Haru quipped rushing over to him
“Haru.. why did you run out of here so quickly… and why did it take you so long to find this hairbrush” Theo held up his hands to stop Haru from sitting down.
Haru tilted his head, giving Theo a goofy smile “Well it was hidden in a pile of clothes in our room.. All of mine.. On your side of the bed. “ Haru laughed at the blush that spread across Theo’s face. “I swear if you wanted one of my uniform sweatshirts you could have just asked Theo. “
“Shut up Haru, just get this over with already” The blond bit back, but Haru could tell there was no malice in his voice.
Haru hit Theo’s head gently with the brush before sitting down next to him “ Of course dear”
He picked up Theo’s hair gently and began to brush it out slowly. It really is pretty, his hair reflects the sun really well… it's so soft.
Theo sighed contently, relaxed by Haru’s repetitive movements.
“Now are you going to tell me why you ran out of the room or..” Theo prompted softly.. Leaving space for Haru to respond.
Haru hummed in response.. Binding time thinking of an answer...
I.. don’t want to burden him any longer.. I just don’t know how much longer I can keep this up… I just… I don't want to hinder him.. Or anyone anymore.
I know I hold everyone back.
They need to go on ahead without you.
A small voice echoed from the back of his mind. An icy chill ran up his spine.
If you go before them, you’ll be there to greet them when they arrive… you wouldn’t burden them anymore. You..
Stop.. I need an answer to Theo’s question.
But Haru couldn’t help the calmness that washed over him when that voice spoke. It felt soothing.. Comforting.. If not chilling.
“Haru? Hello? Can you hear me” Theo blurted out, shaking his head gently.
Haru blinked out of his thoughts, dropping Theo’s hair .”Oh yeah.. Why did I run out of the room, I just really wanted to braid your hair.”
“That doesn’t answer why you dodged my previous question” Theo replied, moving his wrist in a circle.
“Yeah…. About that…. I just really wanted to braid-”
“Hmmm… Haru please” Theo interrupted, turning to look back at him “There’s more going on… please tell me”
Haru shook his head “No Theo. I can’t tell you. I don’t want to cause you more problems” Haru looked up meeting Theo’s eyes Ah crap.. That wasn’t the right answer either.
Theo looked on.. Hurt.. upset even.. Crap crap, why is everything going wrong today.. Great going Haru you hurt him, no wonder you suck .
I just want today to be over…. It’s been going on long enough. The longer it goes.. The more pain I cause to Theo, to everyone.
When will it be over?
“Haru? Hey Haru, are you still with me?” Haru heard Theo’s voice break through his thoughts. His voice sounded dejected, concerned...
“Ye-yeah I am still here.. Sorry.” Haru forced out a response Shit, the longer I space this out the more concerned he is going to get.
I can’t keep doing this,
I know it’s unhealthy.
I need to stop being a burden to everyone around me. All I do is cause them worry. There’s enough going on, they don’t need me on their plate.
“I won’t make you talk about it. I can see it’s a touchy subject for you. Just.” Theo turned around to face him, “ I’m here for you if you need me .” He gave a small smile.
He’s about to cry.. That’s a first. Fuck, of course I am the one to make him cry.
“Now finish my hair bud” Theo sighed, turning back around slowly.
Haru hummed, picking up the hair brush once more. He worked gently on a knot that formed in Theo’s hair
Seriously, I can’t believe how bad this has gotten, I can't even focus on what is happening around me, let alone talk about it. I can’t. Think of words.
But whatever. This is. Of course it decided to come back now. Not like there isn’t a war going on, no of course I also have to go around feeling sorry about myself. Like seriously, there’s more pressing matters than this.
Stop trying to be important, Haru, you know you’re not. Come on. The others are really better off without you anyway, you hold them back.
He held Theo’s hair gently, finally finishing the knot he was working on, splitting the hair into three sections before starting to braid it.
Stop thinking about this Haru, focus on the task in hand, braiding your best friend’s hair. See he let you do it, you should be happy about that .
Haru gave a content sigh, watching as Theo relaxed due to his actions. Theo was tapping his fingers against his knee, almost as if he was playing an instrument. Fill the silence Haru.. come on.. Distract yourself please…
“ I don’t recall much more about my life before being in this goddamn war , but I do have a distant image of my parents and I in front of a piano.” Haru mused, startling Theo from his own thoughts. “ I can kinda still see that busted up old thing, it could barely even play.. I did love to just hit the keys. It always sounded horrible. ” He chuckled to himself.
“Too bad there isn’t a piano here. Not like those pigs would waste that kind of money on us anyway” Theo joked sadly. His voice dropped to a whisper, Haru almost couldn’t hear him.”I wish I could have heard you play.”
Haru sighed quietly, finishing the braid in Theo’s hair, before patting his shoulder.
“Okay, I am all done dear, thank you for letting me do that.” It was a nice enough distraction.. Though I know I still hurt him.
Theo leaned backwards to look up at Haru, smiling.
“Thank you Haru.” Theo blinked his eyes, concern spreading across his face “Is there anything else you need?” He had his classic determined look in his eyes ah yeah there’s no getting past him now..
Haru blinked down at him before flicking his forehead. Theo grimaced before sticking his tongue out at the redhead. Haru just laughed, failing to give a response.
Theo sighed before standing up “I’m being serious Haru, it’s the least I can do for you distracting me earlier.. So …” He turned to him, placing his hands on Haru’s shoulder. “What do you need?”
Haru blinked once more, before turning his gaze away. He really isn’t going to let this go. Haru moved his hands to sit ontop of Theo’s “I don’t need anything right now Theo.. if anything.. I just want to be alone for a bit, okay. I’ll meet you in our room later.”
Theo nodded, removing his hands from Haru’s “Of course, do what you need to do.” Theo cracked his knuckles, before dropping his hands to his sides. Heh of course that sweatshirt is too big, you can’t even see his hands anymore.
“ That sweatshirt is mine isn’t it Theo” Haru called out as the blond passed him to go down the hall.
“Shut up Ha-Haru!” Theo yelled out “I’ll see you later, ok-okay”
Haru giggled before turning to walk outside. He shivered from the sudden change in temperature. The wind was.... Cold. Damn.. is it really almost autumn? I can’t believe we have been here six months.
I can’t believe all the lives we have lost.
Not too much longer until 6 more join them huh.
He made his way over to his tree.. His thinking tree as he affectionately called it. He’s been coming here since his first night in these barracks, telling his thoughts aimlessly to the wind in a hope they would stop haunting him. Haru couldn’t tell if it really helped, but it did make him feel a bit lighter.
It’s always better than burdening those I care about. I just want them to be happy, no need to share my baggage with them . They wouldn’t want to hear it anyway.
He reached out and placed his hand on the tree, feeling its withered bark beneath his fingers, before hoisting himself up into its branches. As he reached the top he looked down across the field, taking in the gardens by the barracks.
Touma and Kaie always did such a great job with those flowers.. They’re so pretty.. . they made this place brighter.. Almost.. A home in a dismal sense.
They’ll probably die with the rest of us.. Since it's getting so cold afterall.
Fitting though.. We too are like those flowers, we had our season now it's time for us to move on… forced to die in war.
Haru sighed, kicking his legs out in front of him.
His legs were decorated in a multitude of bruises and scars.. Though he knew the origin of most of them…. This one stood out .. As Haru couldn’t remember hitting his knee against anything last night .. Oh there’s a new bruise huh, how did that one come about..it was probably from last night if anything. He poked it, testing just how painful it was.
Then again.. I wasn’t in a great mental state.. I could have blocked out what was happening around me. I never have the best awareness of my situation when this happens.
Can’t say I’m in the best mental state again tonight either.. I just feel like I am waiting around forever until I die.. Biting my tongue.. Trying to mimimize my very existence to not hurt those around me when I go.
I love them all.. I really do.. That’s why I am hesitant about this very mission.. I know it’s our end… I don’t know if I can stand to watch anymore people die in front of me.
I’m not strong like the rest of them. I can’t keep doing this.
Faking being okay is crumbling at the seams.. Theo is starting to see through my mirage.. Soon enough I'll just be more of a burden.. Someone kept around out of pity.. That’s already happening .. Theo was very worried earlier.
Why would he be worried about someone like me though… I am just annoying… too much to handle.. I can’t leave people alone.
I know he’s being genuine too, Theo sucks at lying. He’s always blunt and his face betrays him. So he genuinely thinks highly of me… he shouldn’t, all I do is bother him . All the time. I don’t think I could ever repay him for putting up with me.. For sticking around me.. Of all people.
That’s why I shouldn’t be the one to hold him back anymore.. It hurts me to distance myself from him… but he’s stronger than me. He will be fine. I love him. I really do. That’s why .. I should stay behind.
Haru let out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. I could.. Run away? Then I'd die to the legion and lose my body.. And then probably stick around due to those blasted black sheep. It’s better if I fade from everyone’s existence so that isn’t the best plan..
Stay behind when they leave? And then what? Join the squadron after this one? Yeah no.. I am not cut out for war I never was.
Die now?
Probably the best plan.. If not the most cowardly. But what more do I have to control in this life? I had my childhood stripped away when I was forced to join this war.. And I fear connections due to the fact that they can be taken from me at any moment.. It hurts too badly.. I’ve lost so many people… There was never a proper chance to grieve all the loss and soon enough there won't be. I will just join them all.. But when? When we run out of fuel? Sacrificing myself to the legion to protect the others?
I guess I could do that. Then at least my death would mean more than just a coward’s last chance at defiance.
Haru lifted a hand up to his face to feel it was wet. Of course I started crying. I am a crybaby after all. He looked out across the horizon.. Stumbling upon the familiar red glow of Fido. Heh of course he can see me, Fido always knows where I am.
Haru shook his head, wiping the tears from his eyes. He jumped from the tree branch, only to stumble on his landing, hitting his knee harshly on the ground. Heh that’s probably what happened yesterday. But shit I don’t remember it at all… I just have physical reminders of it all.
He made his way back over to barracks, stopping to see where Fido was hiding. The little robot beeped at him affectionately.
“Hey buddy, were you looking for me?” Haru reached out and placed a hand gently on the robot, rubbing its head. Fido responded with a little hop and beeps, causing Haru to let out a small chuckle.
He sighed, taking in the area the robot decided to rest. Ah the place where we all first met… the place where we all arrived to be this spearhead squadron.
The .. last place our pictures would ever be taken.. Maybe the last place our existence would ever be recorded.
Not like it’ll last much longer… it will be like we were never here at all in a few days.
Haru climbed up onto the steps, reminiscing on his first days in the spearhead squadron
I came here with Kaie, god I miss her a lot.. We seemed to always be together in all of our previous assignments. Hell, I am shocked I outlived her.
That damned wetland. That damned major and her fucking map. It did us no good. I know Theo found some way to forgive her.. But I won’t ever.
It should have been me that day.
Haru shook his head as he sat down on the marble. He felt himself become even colder, the chill in the wind becoming even harsher..
I met Kino and Chise that day too.. Hariz, Io, Kujo, Mina.. Daiya…… I finally got to meet the legendary Reaper…
I met Theo that day… He was so bitter… He wouldn’t even tell me his name. Haru laughed at the memory, too bad for him I am persistant..I got it out of him eventually. I’m glad I got to meet him.. Even if it was only for a short while…. I .. really do love him.. He’s my best friend… too bad we got stuck in this world. One without happy endings.
Though, does Haruto Keats really deserve such a happy ending? Would Theo even want that ending? I can’t and shouldn’t speak for him.
Haru sighed heavily, kicking his feet against the ledge. Fido watched on cautiously, his red light flickering back at Haru. The robot almost seemed worried.. Distraught over Haru’s state.
“Don’t worry about me Fido, just getting the last mission nerves, that’s all” Haru joked at the robot. Fido beeped back, and Haru could swear he could feel it was not convinced by his little lie. Hell, even Haru wasn’t convinced by his own words. Maybe I am taking after Theo now, my lies are getting weaker and weaker.
“The mission is only a few days away ya know?” Haru looked back at the robot, kicking his feet up happily. Crazy I even made it this far to see it happen. Hell I shouldn’t even go. “You’re going along with everyone right?” Ha. Not like I will see how this mission will play out.
I’m the next one to die anyway..
He shook his head as he jumped off the ledge Geez, you don’t know that Haru, there’s no way to predict that. Though..
I am the weakest fighter left of us all.. I rush blindly into battles, and sure Shin tells me where the Legion are, but half the time. I have no plans at all.
So thinking I am the next to die.. Isn’t that far off actually. It’s more likely than anyone else. Everyone else is a bit more cautious, they think a bit more.
I never wanted to fight in the first place, everytime I pull a trigger I feel as if something inside of me dies. Not much I can really do, I was forced to live out a life I didn’t want. Watching the life of those I care about be snatched away from me. I. don’t think I could stand seeing…No I don’t even want to think about that. That image already haunts me enough at night, I don’t need to give it more reign.
The walk back to the barracks seemed longer than usual, Haru couldn’t quite place his finger on why.. Yet his racing thoughts surely didn’t help his situation. Hell I know I told Theo I needed to be alone, but how long have I been out here? He won’t be happy when I finally get back to our room. I need to stop worrying him so much.
Haru could feel his pace slow, the chill from outside making a home in his bones. His legs felt so heavy as he turned down the hallway to the room he shared with Raiden and Theo. Why am I dreading this, why do I not want to see anyone. Just be brave Haru, it’s just Theo , you told him you’d come back.. He’s your best friend. Why are you so scared?
Just open the door
Haru did just that, only to get tackled in a hug by Theo. Haru hesitated, before he wrapped his arms around Theo slowly.
“Where. W-where the hell have you been, I was… I w-was so worried about you” Theo’s voice was muffled by Haru’s chest, but he could still hear him clearly ah.. Exactly what I was nervous about.
“I .. missed you, y-you know. You’re a you’re a j-jerk Haru, why did you take so long” Theo whispered.
Haru was taken aback.. He missed me? He.. missed me… why would someone, especially someone as cool as the Theoto Rikka misses someone like me?
I am not someone important enough to be missed….
He… actually missed me… He’s crying because of me.. He’s crying because I wasn’t there.. Shit I messed up again.
~ ✩