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the wind was playing with anya's hair as she was watching her mother.
the headmistress was standing before a large group of girls in anya's age. they were wearing dark uniforms of the red room, their hair was pinned up. natalia was standing in the middle of the first row, calm as always. her green eyes were looking at the headmistress like a prayer person was looking at the icon.
no one could see anya who was hidden behind the leaves. her face was like a stone, without any emotions. the girls started training in pairs and the headmistress was walking around them, giving them some advice. anya was listening carefully to mother's voice. she didn't want to train her so anya would do that herself.
all her life was alone and anya got used to that. she was excluded from training, even from eating and sleeping together with them. she had her own small room but she would sell her soul to spend one day with them.
anya almost screamed when she heard some noises. she still couldn't control her emotions as well as the widows. she clenched her fists.
'little recluse' said ioseph with a smile. he was standing a few steps in front of her.
'i am not a recluse,' anya grumbled, 'i’m just watch...'
'i didn't ask what you're doing,' ioseph looked at the girls, 'come with me, i need help'
'i do not want to help you'
'at least your mother won't be angry you didn't do anything'
anya in silence were looking in ioseph. she couldn't argue with him. her mother - and rest of girls, especially natalia - would hear that and anya didn't want her to hear that. the last time she glanced at the girls, signed and looked at ioseph.
‘what do you need?’ she asked quietly. ioseph smiled.
‘i just came back from hunting. i need some help in the kitchen.’
‘with these dead animals?’ she frowned. her face was full of disgust.
‘exactly, with these dead animals,’ ioseph nodded. ‘come on, little recluse. they won't kill you’
‘i’m not a recluse’ said anya but she knew he was right.
they left a small meadow and through the forest they went back to the red room. anya took off her hat and gloves, and a small smile appeared on her lips. it was winter, the first days of january and the air was colder than usual. anya’s cheeks were red as blood.
the academy was like a labyrinth except they couldn't see the sky. floors were made of dark wood and walls were in the color of a pale green that anya associated with a swamp. ioseph was walking first, a few steps in front of anya. he was shooting instructor but sometimes he went for a hunt and never came back empty handed. iospeh had a talent for that.
anya only held a gun in her hands a few times. she never shot anything or anyone but she saw the girls doing that. she always covered her ears because the sound of a gunshot was just too loud for her. sometimes, when everyone was asleep, she was sneaking into the shooting range just to look at the pistols. she imagined she wears a red room uniform just like the other girls, that her mother finally smiles at her when she doesn't miss any targets.
‘wake up, little recluse’ said ioseph when anya almost ran at the wall.
‘ uhh . don't call me that’
‘of course, miss anna’
‘don't call me that ,’ muttered anya. ‘just call me anya.’
she didn't like it when someone called her by her full name given her by her mother. she always preferred anya, a name she chose. it wasn't exactly her choice but it was better than anna . no one in the academy was named anya and anya felt like that name was only her.
‘of course, miss anya’ laughed ioseph. he took a large kitchen knife and walked closer to the hares lying on the kitchen counter. the kitchen was always cold, regardless of the time of day or year.
‘it’s disgusting’ said anya, looking at the hare’s guts.
‘it's nature. what do you expect? flowers?’
anya didn’t answer. she was still looking at the hare, on the intestine, stomach and liver. ioseph hands were all covered in blood.
‘why won't you wear gloves?’ she asked. ioseph answered after a moment.
‘why would i?’
‘your hands. they're all red’
‘oh, don't worry about that,’ smiled ioseph. ‘these hands have seen more than you can imagined’
his prey was finally cleared and ioseph took a new one. on the counter there was lying another knife, just for her, but anya didn't want to get her hands dirty. she hid her hands in her pockets and walked few steps away when she smelled the body of a dead animal.
when anya was watching the girls training, they were brutal but they never hurted each other. anya didn't know if she could hurt someone. she didn’t even want to think if she could kill someone. her mother and the girls never forgot to remind her she was too weak to train with them and anya never thought of her as someone strong. she was always an observer. stupid girl with dreams, a lamb around the wolves. too weak and too small, easy to defeat, kill and eat.
she glanced at the knife, at the hare and knife again. when someone honked, she came back to reality. anya ran to the window and looked at the road, at the few cars and some people getting out of them. they wore fures, had old faces full of wrinkles. one of them, a young woman, glanced at the academy and caught anya's eye. the girl hid, hoping she didn't see her. after a few seconds, anya looked at the road again but the woman disappeared.
‘who are them?’ asked anya.
‘your mother didn’t tell you?’ said ioseph, still cutting the hare. ‘scientists from moscow.’
‘scientists? what are they doing here?
‘your mother didn’t tell you?’ said again. anya scowled at him.
‘she didn’t’ and you know that , she thought.
‘they have some serum for widows’
‘serum? for what?’
‘to make them stronger and faster’
anya looked at the scientists' cars. she imagined black widow agents her mother spoke of with pride, deadly spies and assassins. If this serum really made them better, russia would have a reason to be proud of.
her stupid little mind imagined that her mother let her take it, that she let her train with the rest. anya could finally show them that she isn't weak and she was like them, even better than them.
but anya quickly calmed down. she cursed herself and that silly dream. she would never be like them. she would never be like natalia, perfect natalia, who her mother loved more than her own daughter. natalia was always better than her. if anya was her own mother, she wouldn't want to have a daughter like her.
too weak. too small. too stupid. lamb around the wolves.
***
the scientists were in the academy for just a few hours. anya heard her mother speaking with them, that they were too early and she couldn't welcomed them properly.
anya was hidden behind the doors but when she heard someone’s footsteps, she ran away. she reached the stairs where three girls were sitting. natalia, marina, and stefanya. diamond and two stones. natalia was the best red room student but anya couldn't say that about the two other girls. when they saw anya all of them smiled.
‘little recluse is lost?’ ask stefanya.
‘i am not’ said quietly anya, looking away.
‘better be careful. pray that your mother - or the scientist - won’t find you’
the girls laughed. anya scowled at them, but when she heard some noise she turned back and looked at her mother. she was talking with some man and they went straight to them. anya swallowed and looked around but they were too close. the girls stood up and anya clasped her hands behind her back.
‘they must be the widows, right?’ asked a young woman that was standing behind the headmistress.
‘they are’ her mother nodded. she glanced at her daughter and her eyes hardened.
‘better don’t waste our time, mrs. kudrin’ said the man with a big, white beard who reminded anya of father frost. his eyes were really warm, unlike her mother. ‘both yours and ours is really precious’
‘of course, mister pchelintsov’ headmistress smiled. ‘please, this way’
she didn't even look at anya. she heard girls laugh and their footsteps. anya clenched her fists and went back to her room. she spent the whole day there, crying and dreaming about her mother’s love.
the night was coming. the sky became darker and anya could see the first stars. she found some peace in looking at the sky. she was like a moon around all these stars. never alone but never with someone. anya shuddered when someone knocked at her door. before she even turned back, ioseph came inside. he put a tray with hare stew and a glass of water on the table.
‘you spent all day here?’ he asked. silence filled the room. ‘i asked you something’
‘i heard that,’ muttered anya. ‘i’m not hungry’
‘i asked you about something else’
‘ i did ’
anya looked at the sky again and ioseph snorted. he looked like he wanted to say something but he didn't. he just stared at anya, this small, alone girl. he never understood why the headmistress kept her daughter away from the widow training. if anya was there, she could at least do something.
when ioseph left anya alone, she wiped her tears. maybe her mother was doing that to keep her safe? all that training looked really dangerous. but if she really loved anya then she would give her a chance to show what she can do. she wouldn't keep her alone and she would show her she loves her. anya didn't want poems, she would love to see a smile or hear some nice words. maybe this cold was how her mother shows love?
or maybe her mother didn't love her? anya didn't want to think about that. she was her mother, she must love her. every mother loves her children and anya wasn't an exception. her mother must love her.
anya held on to those words and never wanted to let them go. she went to bed, dreaming about this lie. when she woke up, she promised herself she would never cry again.