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Today was Day 1.
As Jungkook stood on the terrace looking at the city lights he sighed. He looked at the stars and the moon. He thought about how his predicament was the stupidest thing anyone could even put themselves through. But he knew it wasn’t uncommon. He knew others would relate to his pain. But no one would sympathize because this was by choice. Jungkook was making himself go through this pain by choice.
It happened organically for Jungkook. It was so easy that he didn’t know he was in too deep till it was too late. But that didn’t stop him from falling even deeper in love with Seokjin. His brother's best friend who soon became his best friend. They were inseparable to the extent that Jungkook just needed to look at Seokjin to know what was going on in his mind.
Now one could ask: “If you love him so much why not just say something?”
Well simply because he was scared. Scared of losing his best friend. Scared of making things awkward. Scared of ruining what they had. Scared he’d be laughed at, looked at with pity or worse he was terrified of Seokjin ever asking him: “Is that why you’ve been so nice to me?”
Jungkook knew Seokjin loved him. But it wasn’t the type of love that Jungkook had for him. Seokjin cared for him immensely. Seokjin would fight against anyone for him. In fact there had been times when Seokjin had ended friendships and even relationships because they either didn’t like Jungkook or said something bad about him. Seokjin loved him but not in the way Jungkook loved him.
Sure one may ask: “Well why not stop loving him?”
Well simply because…what is it that they say? Love makes you stupid?
Jungkook kept telling himself. “Today. Today I will stop myself. I will not love Jin hyung anymore.” as if he could flip a switch and turn that love for Seokjin off. But then he’d meet Seokjin and Seokjin would crack a joke or give him a smile, or seek comfort in his warmth, or hold his hand or hug him tight and Jungkook’s resolve would crumble…just like that. Then he’d reason with himself. “Tomorrow. Let me love him today. Tomorrow I will stop myself.”
Sure one can say: “But you’re setting yourself up for failure. Why can’t you see that?”
Well simple because Jungkook could. He knew there was no happy ending. In fact he knew there would be a definitive end. Sure his love for Seokjin could stay constant but he knew Seokjin would eventually fall in love with someone else and then even though he’d promise, “No one can take your place Jungkookie.” That place would be taken. So Jungkook would love him like a mad man. He would love him enough so that when Seokjin was gone he could live with those memories.
Sure one can ask: “Why do this to yourself?”
Well simply because he was in love with Seokjin. Madly, irrevocably, selfishly, completely in love with Seokjin.
Sure one can say: “Jungkookie…I’m worried for you. I know you’re strong but when it hurts this might break you.”
Well…it did.
Jungkook saw the signs. He saw how Seokjin blushed at his phone. He saw how Seokjin started being “busy.” He noticed how Seokjin’s phone calls lasted longer. He noticed the spiffier outfits. He noticed the happiness. He noticed the giddiness. He noticed the warmth in Seokjin’s eyes.
Sure one can ask: “How did you know it’s love?”
Well simply because that’s how Jungkook was with Seokjin. Blushing at his messages. Being busy for others if it meant spending time with his Jin hyung. Always being on the phone with Seokjin though he hated phone calls. Dressing up for Seokjin. Being happy and giddy around Seokjin. His eyes always shining with love for Seokjin.
They’d grown up to take vastly different career paths. Seokjin had become an accountant. Jungkook had become a solo idol. Still Jungkook made the effort. Spending time with Seokjin was more taxing on his schedule than Seokjin’s but he did it anyway. His heart not caring for business commitments as long as he got to be with Seokjin. Maybe even his heart knew this was temporary. Maybe even his heart needed to absorb this love so that it could hold itself together when the inevitable happened.
Sure one might ask: “Since you knew it would hurt, why cry now?”
Well simply because it did hurt. It hurt like a bitch. The type of pain where it felt like his heart was being sliced while still inside him. The type that makes you want to curl into the fetal position. The type of pain that you can’t verbalize. The type where even if you open your mouth nothing comes out. They type that makes you wish you were dead.
“Will you be my bestman?” was Jungkook’s breaking point. This was the final nail in the coffin of his love for Seokjin that was dead from the get-go. He’d met Seokjin’s boyfriend a few years ago. He cursed the man because he was perfect. There was no flaw and Jungkook had that on authority because he had actually employed private eyes to find flaws. A fellow accountant with a good family name and decent upbringing. A man with a good heart. A person with comfortable wealth who could keep Seokjin happy. As a best friend what more could one ask?
Sure one can ask: “You could have said no? Why say yes?”
Well simply because Jungkook couldn’t. This was his fault. He chose to love Seokjin. He’d done the crime. He’d face the punishment.
“Hey you’re releasing a solo song I heard? I wanna listen!” Seokjin said but Jungkook didn’t let him. This song was personal. This song was his last goodbye. His last goodbye to his love for Seokjin. Unfortunately - though Jungkook fought it - the release was on Friday. The wedding was on Saturday. But Jungkook wasn’t worried. Seokjin was too busy to listen to his song. Jungkook had personally made sure of that himself. Tonight he’d actually returned from Seokjin’s bachelor party. Making sure the exhausted groom-to-be was tucked into bed. Right now he was on the terrace of Seokjin’s building.
Today is Day 1.
The first day from which he would start forgetting his love for Seokjin. He’d cut that part of his heart out not letting it fester. Cauterize it with the truth that Seokjin was never his.
Seokjin: The one he loved and lost without Seokjin ever knowing he was in love with him.
Seokjin who woke up calling out , “Jungkookie…?” knowing that his best friend wouldn't leave him alone. Reaching for his phone to call him only to see the reminder he’d set that said in all caps: “JUNGKOOKIE’S NEW SONG TODAY!”
Seokjin scrambled to open Youtube. Clicking on Jungkook’s record label and finding his new release. “Hate you? That’s…” Seokjin wondered. Clicking on the link to the video. Scolding himself because he’d have to be the last person to check the video when usually he was the first. His smile fading as he looked at the note under the video that said: “To my best friend. I loved you. I lost you. But you’ll never lose me. JK♡” His brow furrowing as the first notes of the song began…
Jungkook sighs as he feels the night chill seep into his bones. This all feels so funny. So hilarious. This pain is so dumb. It’s like walking into the door handle knowing well that the handle was right there. Like stubbing your toe on the bed frame knowing well that the bed frame was still there. Jungkook knew well that this heartbreak was right around the corner. He knew he’d walk into it eventually. He just didn’t think it would still cause him so much pain.
Sure one can ask: “So hate you? Is that personal at this point? Do you hate Seokjin? If not then well...why not?”
Well simple because this wasn’t on him. Jungkook couldn’t hate Seokjin because Seokjin didn’t know.
He didn’t know.
He didn’t know?
“Jungkookie…?”
💔The End❤️