Chapter Text
He should’ve known there was something wrong.
Looking from the emergency room counter, Woojin takes another peek at Eunjae from afar as she checks a patient’s lungs inside the hybrid room. He can see how focused she is, how her hands remain stable, and how her mouth shapes with her directions to Nurse Eom and consultations with Dr. Jung. His newly messed up hand throbs in response.
With a slight grimace, he raises his left hand slowly. Just a little over a week ago, two metal rods pierced it and his wrist. He can still feel the panic in his being the moment he saw it underneath the rubble they were in. To be honest, it’s all a blur in Woojin’s head right now, but he can vaguely hear his sobs and Master Kim’s comforting words along with his arms around him.
Looking at it now, the terror he felt back then comes back. What if he never recovers from this? What if he can never be the same surgeon again? What if he’s not needed in Doldam anymore?
Where will he go?
“Call me once the result comes up,” Eunjae’s voice rings in his ears, bringing him back to where he currently is and making him look up to see Eunjae getting out of the hybrid room. No need to dwell on what happened, he thinks to himself. Focus on your therapy so you can operate again.
Woojin sees Eunjae removing her gloves and depositing them in the nearby bin before walking towards the exit. All without saying anything to him, much less looking at him. He frowns.
“Did you two fight?” someone asks from behind him. He turns and sees Dr. Jung stretches his neck as he checks the patient’s file in the computer in front of them. “Dr. Cha seems troubled as well. What happened?”
Woojin asks, “What do you mean troubled?”
“She doesn’t seem to have the same energy ever since you got discharged,” Insu answers. His senior glances at him then, “How’s your hand, by the way? Is it still painful?”
“It’s fine,” he simply replies, distracted by the information he was given. “I’m gonna go back to my readings.” After Insu’s acknowledgment, Woojin walks back towards the consultation rooms.
Of course, he already knows how different she is ever since his accident. Two days after his discharge, that’s when Eunjae started talking to him less. When he tries to meet her eyes, she always looks away or makes an excuse to do something else. Ever since he woke up after his surgery and saw her crying for him, Woojin didn’t see her showing her emotions like that anymore.
She’s still caring and gentle with him, more so than before he must say, but there’s an emotion he can’t quite place whenever he sees her face. And now that other people are starting to take notice, he has to ask her again.
Woojin is planning to visit her in the CS consultation room when he walks past Dr. Bae’s office and sees Eunjae’s bowed head. He quickly moves to the corner so he can see them better closer and faintly hears their conversation.
“As long as he attends his therapy and takes his prescriptions, he’ll be fine,” Dr. Bae says. “It will take a while for sure, but he will get better.”
Eunjae doesn’t say anything at all; just remains in her current bowed position sitting on the chair in front. A few moments later the bone doctor speaks again, this time much softer, “Is there something else bothering you?”
Woojin isn’t even aware he’s been holding his breath until he hears Eunjae whisper, “Is it selfish of me to be relieved he won’t be doing any operation any time soon?”
“What do you mean?” Moonjung carefully replies.
She falters for a moment before saying, “Am I a bad girlfriend for being glad his hand is that way for now? That he can’t save anyone for the time being?”
Outside the room, Woojin lets out his breath. There’s an uncomfortable feeling in his throat. What does she mean by that? Why is she glad he messed up? Where is this coming from?
He hears Dr. Bae awkwardly laugh, “I.. I don’t understand… but I don’t think tha-”
“I just can’t talk to him about this,” Eunjae says. “I’m scared…”
She exhales and finally raises her head to look at her senior, “I’m scared to hear from him that other people are more important than his own life.” She shakes her head and sounds so exhausted and ashamed when she says, “Coming from a doctor just like you and him, does that make me a bad person?”
“Dr. Cha..”
“Because I actually feel like I am.”
Woojin walks away from his spot with heavy legs and a heavier feeling in his chest. Why can’t she talk to him like this? When’s the last time they were able to speak freely to each other?
Why does this hurt this much?
With an inexplicable emotion ever since he’s heard their conversation, Woojin waits inside their shared office space. It’s almost the end of her shift and Eunjae comes here to change from her scrubs to her casual clothes. He’s anticipating and dreading at the same time.
The sound of her voice when she voiced out her thoughts is still loud in his ears. He’s never heard her that despondent before. It’s as if she’s run out of things to be happy about; like she’s so tired and doesn’t know what to do.
The Cha Eunjae he knows is headstrong and stubborn. She’s argumentative and fearless and tenacious. To hear her so small like that— it breaks everything breakable inside Woojin.
A familiar silhouette comes from his periphery and he turns his head to see Eunjae enter their office. She has her eyes closed while massaging her shoulder but opens them right away when she hears him call her name.
“Cha Eunjae.”
Her brown eyes are wide for a split second before dimming a little. She puts down her arm to her side, “Oh, Seo Woojin.. You’re still up..”
He simply nods, “I was waiting for you.”
Apprehension is written on her face. She slowly moves towards the changing rooms when she replies, “Ah.. I’ll just change my clothes. I’m a bit tired from surgery, too. Let’s have dinner la-”
“We have to talk,” Woojin says. Then adds, “We need to.”
Silence stretches between them but Woojin stays still on his chair, waiting for her to make her next move. With a deep exhale, she nods her head.
“Okay. Let’s talk then.”
He stares at her for a few moments before he speaks again, “Can you tell me what’s bothering you?” She opens her lips automatically, a reflex to dodge and dismiss his call out, but he stops her then and there. “And don’t bother to deny it. Some people have noticed already. Not just me.”
Eunjae closes her mouth, her fist clasped tightly on her sides. Woojin watches; waits. He can tell she’s gathering her thoughts, so unlike the Eunjae he knows who’s candid with what she thinks and feels and expresses them however she wants to.
Woojin decides to go straight to the point instead when she remains silent, “I heard you talking to Dr. Bae earlier. About me.”
The familiar steel in her gaze he’s learned since medical school comes back, “What about it?”
“You told him you’re glad my hand is like this now. That I can’t save people the way I’m used to.”
Eunjae slowly lets out a breath and softly says, “I hope you’re not thinking that I’m glad you’re in pain because I swear to g-“
“You said you’re scared to know if, for me, other people’s lives are more important than mine.”
“Yes I am,” she answers by raising her voice a little. “Get to the point, Seo Woojin.”
He stands up this time, shortening the distance between them. “Is that the reason why you’ve been avoiding me? You barely even look at me while we’re here at work. We’re not together at home and can only see each other here and yet you don’t talk to me.”
With a controlled voice, she answers. “I said that only because this time you can finally rest. You haven’t taken a break in a while. I was getting worried.”
You’re lying. That’s not all, isn’t it?
He can see her shaking a little and he’s aware she’s suppressing her emotions. Woojin is getting frustrated himself. He wants her to let it all out.
Talk to me, damn it!
His own voice gets a little louder this time as he exhales, “Even if what you think is true, is that a bad thing then, huh? For me to prioritize my patients instead of myself? You understand better than anyone how I love my job here; how important it is to me. Why are y-“
“Have you ever thought of what you’ll leave behind when you’ve entered that building that day?”
She interrupts him so softly he could’ve missed it if he wasn’t looking at her. Her eyes are dry but her breathing is getting heavier, emotions finally rushing to the surface.
“What?”
“That day… when you decided to dismiss even Master Kim’s words… did you think of anything else aside from saving people?”
Woojin can hear sadness in between he words but beneath it all— a simmering anger.
Eunjae lets out a dry scoff as she looks around them, “Of course you didn’t. You’re Seo Woojin. The genius GS of Doldam. Invincible and capable. Of course, you can do it all. Not even a collapsing building will stop you, right?.”
“Eunj-“
When her eyes meet his again, Woojin sees them finally gathering the tears she has last let out when he woke up after his operation.
“Over and over, you’ve done this to me Woojin. When you had those loan sharks bully and beat you, when you tried to deal with that man from the north when he attacked you with a scalpel, when you allowed someone to aim a goddamn rifle on your back!”
Her voice starts from a pained whisper until she almost shouts those last words. It roots Woojin on the spot, with an exclusive front-row seat to Eunjae at her most fragile.
“I know how important Doldam is to you; Sabu-nim, this job, your patients…” Eunjae trails off as she looks at him with heartbreak and fury. “So where do you place your own life there? In your own list of priorities?”
He knows where she’s coming from, which allows him to argue. “We’re doctors, Eunjae. What do you expect me to do? I can’t turn away especially when I know I can do something and save-“
“Then what about me?!” She screams as she closes her eyes, making her tears finally spill out. She peels her lids open, “Am I that unimportant to you to disregard what I’d feel if the worst happened to you?!”
There is a throb in his hand as he tried to clench it when his first instinct was to reach out and touch her face. The second throb is in his chest as his heart squeezes painfully with how she looks so utterly broken.
“Is that really what you think?” He asks back, his own emotions threatening to come out as well when his voice wobbles. “You know I love you. How can you think that?”
“If this is your love, you have a painful way of showing it.”
Her words struck hard. Woojin can only stand there and take it blow for blow.
“You continue to disregard your own life and safety with no thought whatsoever about the people you’ll leave behind when something terrible happens to you,” she whispers as she weeps. “You didn’t think of Mrs. Choi. Not even Master Kim..”
Eunjae clutches her chest, “Not me.”
“That’s not true-“
“Then why?! Why do you keep on hurting me like this? Making me worry like this? What am I supposed to do when you’re gone?! Who do I have when you’re gone?!”
Woojin reaches out to hold her, embrace her, kiss her tears dry; but Eunjae backs away from him. This is the first time since they became lovers that she physically has to distance herself away from him.
It hurts. This hurts so much.
“I- I’m s-“
“I have to go,” Eunjae wipes her face carelessly, attempting to look normal despite the redness in her eyes. “I- I need to go..”
“Please Eunjae-“
“No. I need to get away from here.”
She doesn’t say it, but it almost sounds like different words to Woojin— I need to get away from you. This makes Woojin stop trying to make her stay.
She looks so lonely when her palm rests on his chest and looks up at him. She’s trying not to cry again but her words are as heavy as the guilt inside him when she softly breaks his heart.
“Did you know I’ve thought about calling us quits? That I’ve thought about breaking up with you so I don’t have to worry about you anymore?” Her smile is watery, her entire body quaking from her emotions.
In the end, she lets out a humorless laugh, “I’m horrible, aren’t I? Trying to break up with you because you decided to save people’s lives…” She gives his face one last caress before she lets go.
Woojin doesn’t follow her when she walks away. His eyes remain on her instead despite the vision getting blurry from his own tears pooling in his eyes. Before she turns the knob, Woojin vaguely sees her looking back at him.
“Too bad I’m too in love with you to let you go.”
The soft sound of the door closing in her wake echoes and it's followed by the loudest silence Woojin has ever heard. With only the noise of his scattered thoughts, he finally lets his tears fall.
“What are you still doing here?”
Master Kim’s voice wakes Woojin up from his mindless state outside the new trauma center building. Winter chill bites on his skin but he barely feels it. It’s been a few hours since Eunjae left.
“Ah, Sabu-nim…”
“Why are you here outside?” His teacher asks as he puts on his coat. “Aren’t you freezing? Ya… hurry back inside.”
He gives him a subtle shake of his head and a colorless smile, “I’m waiting for Cha Eunjae to come back.”
With that, he sees Master Kim looking in the distance, concern filling his eyes. “Why? Did something happen?“
When Woojin doesn’t answer right away, he feels Master Kim’s gaze on him again. The senior doctor then adds, “Are you having a lover’s quarrel then?”
Woojin is aware he’s trying to lighten the mood. Sabu-nim’s in one of his teasing moods. He looks back at him, the person he looks up to the most, and remembers Eunjae’s words earlier.
“You didn’t think of Mrs. Choi. Not even Master Kim..”
He lowers his head in guilt and remorse. “I’m sorry, Sabu-nim..” When he raises his head, he sees the confusion in Master Kim’s eyes.
“Why are you apologizing to me?”
“I’m reckless, aren’t I? Hard-headed? Downright suicidal?”
As he says these words, Woojin remembers all the things he’s done ever since he joined Doldam. Even the ones that are not related to his job, his choices have sometimes led him to even more perilous situations. He likes to take matters into his own hands and he’s stubborn to ask for help.
Now he reaps the consequences of it all. Now he may very well lose the love of someone he holds dearly in his heart… all because he’s too-
“Passionate,” Master Kim interrupts his thoughts. Woojin’s eyes widen a little bit as his teacher continues. “I think that is the word I’ll use to describe you. Sometimes to a fault, but passionate nonetheless.”
Woojin watches Master Kim approach him until his hand pats his shoulder once and keeps it there, “That’s not a bad thing, Woojin. Your passion has saved a lot of people. You will continue to do so.”
He lowers his head again, “But that’s the thing… This burning passion has caused me to hurt Eunjae. I even made you worry about me. It has blinded me to see I was being a burden.”
He is lightly smacked by the same hand on his shoulder. “Stop it. Did she tell you that? That you’re a burden to her?”
“No, but I-“
“Did we ever make you feel like you are?”
“Never. I just-“
Another smack again, “Then stop thinking about things like that, you rascal! We already know how bull-headed you can be. I knew it the moment you dragged yourself into Doldam’s entrance door. Eunjae probably knew it during your medical school days.”
Woojin remembers it all— when he demanded Master Kim to give him money, when he taunted Director Park into lifting his OR ban or when he refused to give him the recording of that one patient’s operation, when Eunjae slapped him the first time he stole a kiss from her.
He’s always been the type to do whatever he sets his mind to. That includes going head-to-head with anybody, genius doctors and hospital directors and beautiful women alike.
“But we’re still here, right?” Sabu asks. The lights of their new building reflect on Master Kim’s glasses and Woojin slightly squints. “We’re still here because we care about you. We get worried because we do. That’s why Eunjae feels hurt, too. She knows she can’t take that from you. It’s in your nature to put other people before you. That’s why you’re an outstanding doctor.”
Master Kim exhales, a small faint smoke from the chill comes out with it. “Just don’t do it too much, Woojin-ah. Think about yourself sometimes. Knowing her, she only wants that. She wants you safe. We all do.”
Hope starts to grow in his chest from Master Kim’s words. Woojin lightly nods, “Sorry for making you all worry.”
“Ah, Woojin-ah… we’re used to it now.”
In a poor attempt at teasing his teacher, he says, “Maybe I got it from you, Sabu-nim. You’re as stubborn as I am. Maybe more.”
“Ya, you punk… I have the right to be that! Only me! Got it? Me!”
A small laughter bubbles in his throat as he hears a small chuckle coming from Master Kim himself. They look at each other fondly for a few moments before a faint sound of an incoming ambulance pierces the late winter night. They look beyond the treeline together.
“Seems like we have a patient,” he hears Master Kim mumble. He turns to him after, “Aren’t you going home? Your shift ended a few hours ago, right? Go on. Your hand still needs rest.”
“You may need assistance soon. I’ll stay.”
Master Kim raises his hand as if to slap his head, “Ya- didn’t I tell you I’m the only one allowed to be a pain in the ass here?”
The blaring ambulance car quickly approaches the trauma center where both Woojin and Master Kim stand. At the same time, the door to the building bursts open to reveal Nurse Oh.
“Sabu-nim!”
Woojin also looks back at Doldam’s head nurse because she sounded so distressed. He sees her usually composed self now a bit rattled, her eyes betraying her.
“Oh, Nurse Oh,” Sabu answers. “What do we have?“
Nurse Oh looks at Woojin first and he feels a little off. She answers a few seconds later, “We got 3 TA patients. A cement mixer truck hit a car. The passenger from the truck only has a mild concussion but both drivers are in critical condition.”
“I see. What’s the status?”
As Master Kim poses his question, the ambulance finally reaches Doldam Trauma Center. Woojin faintly hears Nurse Oh’s answer.
“The truck driver sustained a thoracic trauma due to the impact. The car driver however got a severe head injury. They believe she hit her head on the window hard since her side of the car was the one hit.”
“She?“
Woojin looks back at the ambulance now being opened by scrambling paramedics. He sees the first patient being pulled, a man in his early 40s covered in dirt and soot unconscious.
As the second patient gets pulled out…
“Yes, Sabu-nim…” Nurse Oh says. “It’s-“
Woojin can only see red. Not because the color of this patient’s coat is a deep shade of cherry but because brown locks are matted with blood.
He knows that coat. He knows that hair. He knows her .
Everything screams inside him as he stares at Cha Eunjae on the stretcher, bleeding the life out of her and Woojin at the same time.
The world turns black and white; only the stark red of her blood visible in Woojin’s eyes.
It hurts .
And the night continues, the cold seeping into his bones as he breaks down.
The agony starts.
~à suivre~