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An abrupt ringtone pierced the silence, startling Sunwoo awake.
Groggy and disoriented, with a groan leaving his lips, Sunwoo shifted in bed and blindly reached behind himself, fumbling for his phone on the nightstand. Once his hand came into contact with the device, he secured it in his grasp and brought it in front of himself. His eyes struggled to open just enough to see who was calling in his pitch dark room, so he blindly slid his thumb across the screen, accepting the call.
“Hello —”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this but if you don’t tell me one of those stupid, corny pick up lines of yours I think I might go insane.”
Sunwoo blinked. Suddenly feeling a bit more awake, he put his phone away from his ear to check the time and whether the caller was actually Chanhee, in case his ears were deceiving him. It read 2:38 am and the caller was indeed Chanhee.
He sighed. He would’ve much rather his ears had deceived him.
“Are you—” Sunwoo cleared his throat once his voice came out hoarse. “Are you pulling another all-nighter?”
“Well. Yes.”
Another sigh. “Chanhee. This is your third all-nighter this week.”
“I know, but I can’t do anything about it. It’s biochem! You know it’s not my strongest subject and the amount of material that I have to study is crazy, Sunwoo. I think.. I might have to take an L for this exam, holy shit—”
“Hey, hey, calm down there. We’ve talked about this, haven’t we? Freaking out about it will only make everything worse, and you already know that.”
“I know..” Chanhee trailed off, voice growing weak. “But.. There's so much stuff to study. A lot of material. A lot. And I can’t even complain to you about this because you’re not even a med student and I don’t know why I even called you because you were most likely sleeping and—”
“Chanhee, baby, breathe,” Sunwoo gently reminded him, now wide awake sitting up on his bed with his back resting against the headboard. It wasn’t the first time that Chanhee had called him in the middle of the night on the verge of a mental breakdown due to his major, yet no matter how many times he did it, he never felt less guilty.
Sunwoo had never felt bothered by it. If anything, he felt relieved that Chanhee trusted him enough to call him and seek his comfort during his bad days. No matter how many times he told his boyfriend that, though, Chanhee never seemed to be fully convinced. Sunwoo loved him, he really did, but damn wasn’t his pretty little head way too stubborn sometimes.
“Good?” Sunwoo asked him after a couple of seconds passed, waiting for Chanhee to answer.
“Mmh. I think I’m good now.”
“I’m seriously concerned about you. I can’t even begin to think about how caffeinated and sleep-deprived you are.”
Chanhee sighed. Then, he said one simple word, “Biochem”, deeming it as enough explanation for his current miserable state.
“Well fuck biochem,” Sunwoo muttered, annoyed. “I can’t bear seeing you lose yourself over this.”
“Agreed. Maybe I should drop out.”
Sunwoo snorted. “Yeah, sure, as if you’d ever do that.”
“I’m serious this time! I’m actually considering it.”
“You always say that, especially at night, and then wake up feeling more determined than ever to pass your exam with the highest score. You can’t drop out, Chani. You’ve come so far.”
Chanhee hummed. “Yeah, you’re right. But I’m afraid I won’t pass this one, though.”
“Hold on.” Sunwoo switched on the lamp on his nightstand and extended his arm to open the middle drawer, fumbling for something in the midst of the chaos happening inside his drawer. One day he’d make sure to clean it and get rid of all the snack wrappers hiding in there. That day was not today, though.
As soon as he felt the hardcover of his notebook, he grabbed it and laid it open on his lap.
“Alright, let’s see. Did you catch up with all of your lectures?”
“Yes, since last week —”
“Did you prepare your spreadsheet to keep track of everything you need to study?”
“Yes.”
“Did you synthesize all the knowledge?”
“Yes. I mean, I think so.”
“Did you go through your flashcards?”
“The majority of them, yes.”
“Did you do practice questions?”
“Yes, still doing them.”
“Chanhee, there’s no way you’re not passing.”
“How can you be so sure?” Chanhee whined. “For all I know, my professor could put stuff that I forgot to skim through.”
“You never forget to skim through material. That’s not happening.”
“It’s not impossible, though.”
Sunwoo exhaled a deep breath, burning a hole in his notebook with his gaze. He could already feel his patience run thin, mainly due to it still being late at night. Oh well, there was only one more thing left to do, then.
“I’m coming over.”
“What?! It’s almost 3 am Sunwoo, don’t be stupid.”
He had already stood up from his bed and made his way to his wardrobe, opting for the first warm and cozy item he could find.
“If you’re pulling an all-nighter yet again , we’re pulling one together.”
“Sunwoo, go to bed. Right now.”
Sunwoo clicked his tongue. “Stop ordering me around like my mom. I’m coming over, whether you like it or not.”
“I’ll keep my apartment door locked! You won’t be able to come in, it’s a waste of time.”
“Did you already forget that you’ve given me a spare key?”
A pause, before Chanhee groaned. “See, this is why I don’t call you. Seriously, go back to sleep Sun. It’s something I need to worry about, not you.”
“Yet you’ve been worrying a bit too much over this, to the point you’re sacrificing your own health,” Sunwoo retorted, shuffling to the main room to slip on his shoes. Fortunately he didn’t need to switch on the lights as the streetlights provided adequate light, allowing him to easily locate his slightly worn-out shoes.
He definitely needed to get a new pair.
“So? It’s not the first time I’ve done this, Sun; I’m used to it. There’s no need to worry.”
“You’re right; it isn’t the first time you’ve done this. And that makes it even worse. I remember you pulling all-nighters and then showing up to our dates looking as if one single push would make you fall to the ground, and that was when we started dating. You’ve been a med student for longer than that,” Sunwoo clicked his tongue, shaking his head in disapproval. “I can’t get you to study less, but I can at least get you to drink less caffeine and sleep a bit more.”
With that conclusion, Sunwoo stepped out of his apartment once he had his jacket on and his belongings secured inside his pockets.
“We’ll see about that,” Chanhee huffed. Sunwoo could picture his eye roll, as well as the cute pout his lips were probably forming, but not even his cute antics could make Sunwoo’s determination falter.
He was going to make Chanhee get some sleep that night, and he wouldn’t go home without making sure of such thing.
“Are you outside already? Sunwoo, I told you not to come here,” Chanhee whined. “It’s cold!”
And yeah, it was indeed cold. Sunwoo had to zip up his jacket and bring his arms a bit closer to himself while waiting for the elevator, but it was nothing he wasn’t accustomed to.
It was just the typical night cold, except a bit chillier due to the upcoming winter. Again, nothing he wasn’t already used to.
“You seriously don’t actually think that a bit of cold weather is going to stop me from coming over, right?”
“No..” Chanhee trailed off. “But I know what will. Hey, you know I can’t study while someone else is in the same room as me. It bothers me.”
Sunwoo rolled his eyes. “Bullshit. You could study just fine that day when I was with you at the library.”
“That.. that was one time!” Chanhee protested.
Sunwoo sighed, a fond smile taking over his lips. “Stop looking for excuses to prevent me from coming over, baby. Nothing will work. Can’t you just accept how I’m willing to help you, no matter what?”
“It’s just.. I already feel guilty for waking you up in the middle of the night. Now that you’re coming over, I can’t help but feel even more guilt..”
“We’ve already talked about this, Chani.. I am willingly coming over; it is my decision, it’s not like you forced me to do it,” Sunwoo huffed, smoke escaping from his mouth in the cold weather as he descended the stairs after exiting the building.
“Also, don’t act as if you wouldn’t do the same thing if the roles were reversed.” Sunwoo paused, then spoke, “Unless you wouldn’t.. I’d have to find a new boyfriend, then.”
“Shut up. You know damn well I wouldn’t hesitate to do the same thing,” Chanhee muttered, annoyed, prompting a chuckle from Sunwoo.
“Aren’t you such a sweet little thing,” Sunwoo cooed, “always worried about others.”
“I’ll cut your phrenic nerve.”
“No need to, baby. You already take my breath away.”
Sunwoo heard Chanhee groan, causing him to snicker.
“On second thought, I do not need to hear your pickup lines. I take back what I said.”
“Aw, but I spent so much time looking them up to amaze you,” Sunwoo said, feigning a pout. “I even attempted to study medicine with Younghoon to come up with some by myself.”
“Yeah, and then you dropped it barely a week later.”
Sunwoo rolled his eyes. “Those long, complicated words were crazy. Don’t even get me started on those anatomy structures. I nearly lost my will to live and I was doing it for only a week. Can’t even begin to think about how you’ve been doing this for years.”
“Who said I haven’t already lost my will to live?”
Sunwoo snickered. “Anyway, I don’t need to study medicine. I already have an extremely smart, high-achieving boyfriend who will either save me from dying or intentionally leave me to die. I’m content with both.”
“You’re crazy.”
“Only for you, sweetheart.”
While on his way to Chanhee’s apartment, Sunwoo couldn’t help but reminisce about the first day he met Chanhee. He had been lying on the couch, watching a show on Netflix while waiting for Younghoon, his roommate, to bring him the promised meal after Sunwoo’s football practice. Fifteen minutes had passed and Younghoon was still nowhere to be seen. Not to mention that he had watched almost half of the show, and his food hadn’t arrived yet.
Sunwoo had almost moved from his extremely comfortable position on the couch (any position was comfortable after running for hours around the football pitch he now knew like an itch under his skin), had it not been for the familiar sound of rattling keys and a doorknob turning. Soon, he could hear Younghoon’s voice along with another voice, one he didn’t recognise.
Younghoon’s head had soon peeked out from the hallway, greeting Sunwoo after having spotted him on the couch that could be easily seen from the hall and explaining why he’d been late. However, his words had fallen on deaf ears, because soon after a boy (Chanhee) had come out from behind Younghoon and headed towards the living room. Younghoon’s voice had faded into mere background noise as Sunwoo’s eyes followed Chanhee’s approaching figure, awestruck and unwilling to look away.
Just as Chanhee had opened his mouth to probably greet him, Sunwoo had beaten him to it.
“Are you made of Fluorine, Iodine and Neon? Because you’re F-I-Ne.”
In his defense, it had been the only science-related pickup line he had known at that time, and even if he had had no idea what Chanhee’s major was, he could tell he was a medicine student. It probably had to do with the fact that Younghoon didn’t have any friends outside his study group, which purely consisted of sleep-deprived medicine students. They were the only ones he brought home as well.
Needless to say, Chanhee had been dumbfounded the first couple of seconds, and then he had simply turned away to sit on the opposite side of Sunwoo, not even bothering to greet him anymore.
Sunwoo hadn’t even been able to find a valid reason to feel offended, well-aware that he needed to up his flirting game.
“What are you laughing about?” Chanhee’s voice brought him to the present.
“I was just thinking about the first day we met,” Sunwoo responded, still chuckling.
“Ah.. don’t even remind me,” Chanhee said, now laughing along as well. “I can’t believe you —Who even says that on the first day? What happened to hello, how are you, my name is..”
“Cmon, that’s so boring and basic..”
“Ah, sorry, I forgot you hate to come across as boring and basic. My bad.”
“In my defense, you looked way too pretty that day. And I didn’t even lie! You’re way too fine Chanhee.”
“That day I was running on two hours of sleep, four cups of coffee and I had just finished six hours of lectures,” Chanhee deadpanned.
“You’re doing the same thing as we speak right now. And you still look pretty, so what’s your point?”
“And how can you be so sure? You haven’t even seen me yet.” Sunwoo could picture the shy smile gracing Chanhee’s lips.
“I just do. Call it boyfriend’s sixth sense.”
“...I hate you.” And there it was; the typical words Chanhee responded with every time he didn’t know what else to say, beat by Sunwoo’s unwavering unwillingness to back down. He usually dragged it out longer, refusing to give up even when he reached the point of blurting nonsense, just for the sake of having the last word. This time, though, he didn’t. Most likely due to his exhaustion; a sleep-deprived brain didn’t provide many convincing arguments, after all.
Sunwoo smiled, endeared. “I know. I love you too.”
Finally, Chanhee’s apartment building came into view and Sunwoo fastened his steps. It only took a couple of seconds for his athletic legs to approach the building and for him to announce his arrival.
“I’m here. Let me in.”
Soon enough, the main door opened with a buzzing sound and Sunwoo pushed it with his shoulder, letting it close behind him. He pressed the ‘up’ button and entered the elevator as soon as it arrived, finally selecting the floor Chanhee lived on.
“The door is locked by the way.”
“Chanhee,” Sunwoo warned.
“Alright, alright. No more joking around, I got it.”
In no longer than five minutes, Sunwoo was already in front of Chanhee’s door. As if Chanhee had sensed his presence, the door opened before Sunwoo could knock, and he could finally see the state his boyfriend was in. Chanhee’s blonde hair was disheveled and the round glasses perched atop his nose slightly crooked and futile at hiding his dark circles, yet he still didn’t look any less pretty. He never did, in Sunwoo’s opinion.
Sunwoo’s eyes softened at the sight in front of him and he didn’t hesitate to take a step forward and engulf Chanhee in his embrace. His arms were quick to wrap around his small frame, bringing him closer to his chest. In response, Chanhee circled his own arms around Sunwoo’s torso and buried his nose in Sunwoo’s neck, taking a deep breath.
The moment Sunwoo’s distinctive scent (fabric softener) hit his nostrils, ever so familiar and welcoming, an endeared smile took over Chanhee’s face.
He smelled like home.
“Still pretty?” he muttered after a while, words slightly muffled.
Sunwoo planted a kiss on the top of his head, smiling. “Prettier than ever.”
Chanhee huffed, probably laughing, and pulled slightly away.
“You don’t look too bad either, considering I woke you up in the middle of the night,” he said, voice laced with mirth.
Sunwoo playfully squinted his eyes on him before stealing a kiss from him, smiling at the way Chanhee leaned forward after Sunwoo pulled away, expecting another kiss.
“Let’s move to your room, hm?”
Chanhee wordlessly nodded, his hand sliding down his back to intertwine their hands together. Sunwoo took his shoes off and was then pulled by Chanhee to his room, although there was no need to. At this point, he knew Chanhee’s apartment as well as he knew his own.
Upon entering his boyfriend’s room, Sunwoo was immediately struck by the overwhelming amount of material covering his usually sparsely decorated desk. A lamp illuminated the space, along with a couple of carefully positioned candles against the wall. His laptop was turned on, as well as his iPad, both displaying some of Chanhee’s notes and images that Sunwoo knew would be crucial for his upcoming exam. Not far from the electronic devices, Sunwoo spotted a pair of abandoned headphones, still connected to the iPad and softly playing a song. Sunwoo vaguely recognised it as Chanhee’s favorite song from the artist he preferred to listen to at night. In short, it was an organized chaos; pretty much resembling Chanhee’s state of mind.
“What,” Chanhee spoke up, looking at Sunwoo with amusement. “Already regretting the decision to come here?” His words were lighthearted and playful, yet Sunwoo could still pick up the slight doubt in his voice.
Sunwoo turned around to face him, head shaking and hands coming up to rest on Chanhee’s cheeks. “I told you. If you’re pulling an all-nighter, we’re pulling it together.”
Chanhee smiled, placing his own hands on top of Sunwoo’s hands to caress them. His faint smile was more than enough to express his gratitude.
“Well then, how about we move to—”
“Stop right there,” Sunwoo cut him off. “You won’t be studying unless you feel a little bit better.”
Chanhee furrowed his eyebrows. “Sunwoo, I still have lots of material to go through. I haven’t finished answering all of my flashcards and practice questions—”
Sunwoo was quick to put his palm on top of Chanhee’s mouth, effectively shutting him up.
“You,” he said, pointing to Chanhee with his free hand, “will lie in bed and rest a bit. While I,” he pointed to himself, “will find a way to make you feel better, away from this biochemistry shit. You’ve already done a lot Chanhee, a couple minutes of rest won’t do any harm.”
Chanhee didn’t make an attempt to remove the hand covering his mouth, yet he maintained his eye contact with Sunwoo, stubborn enough to do as he pleased; the opposite of what Sunwoo was asking him for. Sunwoo didn’t back down either, looking Chanhee in the eye with a frown apparent on his face.
After a while of intense eye contact, Chanhee’s shoulders sagged in defeat and he weakly pushed Sunwoo’s hand away from his face. He sighed, seemingly having an inner debate with himself for a couple seconds, before he locked eyes with Sunwoo.
“Fine. But no longer than twenty minutes.”
Sunwoo pursed his lips in disapproval, an immediate protest sitting on his tongue. Twenty minutes weren’t enough and he’d rather Chanhee double them to forty minutes (triple, actually, taking into consideration the fact that it was his third all-nighter of the week), but he simply nodded. He’d rather not argue with Chanhee over this and waste his precious twenty minutes.
“Alright, twenty minutes it is.”
Chanhee beamed and crossed his arms, looking at him expectantly.
“So, what’s your plan?”
“Um.. we could watch a show?”
Chanhee shook his head in disagreement. “I’d get engrossed in the show and forget about those twenty minutes.”
“That was the point, actually,” Sunwoo admitted, sheepish.
Chanhee glared at him.
“Alright, alright. We could order something to eat?”
“It’s too late for that. Don’t wanna wake up bloated.”
“Well then..” Sunwoo trailed off, before an idea crossed his mind. “Hold on, I've got an idea.”
Sunwoo took his phone out of his pocket, tapping on Google to look something up. Within a couple of seconds, the answer to his question showed up.
“Alright, so I looked up what cuddling does to the brain to, you know, provide some scientific arguments to support my suggestion,” Sunwoo started, holding his index finger in the air, “and here it says that when we cuddle, our bodies release more oxytocin and reduce stress. When our stress levels are reduced it is easier for us to fall asleep, and apparently our serotonin levels get a boost too. It also regulates heart rate and relieves pain. In conclusion—”
Sunwoo was cut off by Chanhee placing his own round glasses on top of Sunwoo’s nose, giggling right after.
“Aren’t you a cute little nerd,” Chanhee cooed, placing his hands on Sunwoo’s cheeks to squish them together.
Sunwoo huffed, slapping his hands away from his face. “Are the glasses really necessary?”
“Of course they are! They complete your nerd look.”
“I’m not a nerd,” Sunwoo protested, weakly. “I’m a football player.”
“My nerdy, football player boyfriend,” Chanhee said, barely able to contain his laughter when his boyfriend’s frown deepened even further.
“Whatever,” Sunwoo muttered, aware that he was not going to win this one. “So, wanna cuddle or not?”
“Aw, of course I want to. You provided such convincing arguments to support your idea by using external sources, how could I not?”
Sunwoo glared at him, but he couldn’t muster a response. Chanhee's happiness was infectious, bubbling to the surface like foam in a bottle of champagne had just opened. His frown eased, evaporating into a smile.
If Chanhee thought of him as a nerd and if said thought made him happy, then Sunwoo would gladly be his nerd.
Chanhee pulled him to the bed by their entwined hands and collapsed on top of it. He dragged Sunwoo along, almost having his boyfriend collapse on top of himself instead of the bed had it not been for Sunwoo’s fast reflexes. Fortunately, his arms were quick to hold his body up so as to not crush Chanhee with his body weight, much to his relief. He would’ve sent his boyfriend a warning glare, yet Chanhee wouldn’t cease giggling with his eyes closed, so Sunwoo deemed it as pointless.
Now hovering over Chanhee, Sunwoo let his eyes roam over his boyfriend’s face. Little were the opportunities in which he could freely gaze at Chanhee’s face, as the other tended to grow embarrassed rather quickly and turned his head the other way so that Sunwoo would stop staring at him. This time, though, with Chanhee paying minimal attention to him, Sunwoo could freely stare; his first observation being how prominent Chanhee’s cheekbones were whenever he smiled.
Sunwoo’s left hand slowly came up to caress Chanhee’s face, while his right hand was propped up, supporting his body weight. The light touch on his face led Chanhee to stop giggling and open his eyes; the close proximity in turn rendering him speechless. He had no idea that he and Sunwoo had ended up so close.
“Hi.” Sunwoo spoke up, the smile never leaving his face.
“Hey,” Chanhee muttered back, leaning into his touch. “What’s up?”
Pretending to think deeply about his question, Sunwoo hummed. “Hmm.. nothing much, apart from the fact that I have a really pretty boy in front of me right now. I think you might know him; does the name Chanhee ring a bell?”
Chanhee groaned, pushing his hand away with a smile. “Really now..”
Sunwoo’s hand found its place on Chanhee’s check again, but the latter pushed it away, just like he had previously done. Sunwoo frowned, faking a pout. He racked his brain to come up with something, before suddenly gasping.
“Wait, did you hear that?”
“Hear what?”
“My heart..”
Chanhee furrowed his eyebrows, concerned. “Your heart?”
“Even my heart murmurs, ‘I love you!’”
Chanhee blinked, disbelief written all over his face. It didn’t take him long to wordlessly roll away from Sunwoo’s embrace and then lie on the other side of the bed, his unimpressed face staring at Sunwoo.
“Get out of my apartment.”
Sunwoo placed a hand on his heart, feigning a hurt look. “You wound me. You’re supposed to close my wounds, not open new ones!”
Chanhee raised an eyebrow. “I close the wounds of those who are deserving of it.”
Sunwoo shaked his head, his expression downcast. “You are so cruel, Chani,” he murmured, all while crawling closer to his side.
“Cruel and you still don’t hesitate to come closer to my side?”
In no time, Sunwoo’s arms wrapped around Chanhee’s thin waist.
“This is, my little Chani, what people call unconditional love,” Sunwoo peered up at him, plastering an innocuous smile on his face. “I love everything about you; even your cruel side.”
“Since when does unconditional love include a deathly grip around my waist?” Chanhee raised an eyebrow, looking down at Sunwoo’s grip around his waist.
“This is what people call cuddling, Chani.”
“Oh really now?”
“Mhm!” He approved, cutely nodding his head. “Besides, how else am I supposed to reduce your stress and boost your serotonin levels?”
Chanhee watched how Sunwoo snuggled even closer, resting his head atop his chest. Only then, under the dim light of his nightstand lamp, did he notice the dark eyebags resting under Sunwoo’s eyes. He felt his chest tightening.
“Mmh, I can already feel the oxi- oxti- oxyc—”
“Oxytocin,” Chanhee amended, amused.
“Yeah, whatever that is.” A pause. “What does it even do, anyway? Is it perhaps the love h—”
“Oxytocin is a natural hormone that stimulates uterine contractions in childbirth and lactation after childbirth.”
Sunwoo’s eyes opened wide comically, his body immediately sitting up. His jaw was almost touching the floor as he stared at Chanhee and muttered the words, “What did you just say—”
Upon noticing his reaction, Chanhee felt laughter bubbling in his throat, before it fully erupted into uncontrollable laughter. His body jerked forward every time he laughed; Sunwoo’s comical expression being way too ludicrous not to laugh at.
“You’ve got to be kidding me. You just made that up, I’m sure of it.”
“It literally is true! Look it up if you want to.”
Sunwoo stared at him for a second longer. “If that’s the case, then why the hell was it mentioned in the article?!”
“Yeah, well, it is a hormone which functions as a neurotransmitter in the brain. Once oxytocin is produced by the hypothalamus, which is a portion of the brain, by the way, it’s secreted into the bloodstream by the pituitary gland. From there, it is directed into your spinal cord or other parts of the brain, depending on its ultimate purpose. When it is released into our brains under the right circumstances, oxytocin has the power to regulate our emotional responses. It is also connected to serotonin and dopamine, which are often referred to as the “happy hormones,” because—”
“Alright, that’s enough. You sound like a Google article,” Sunwoo whined, resting his head on his boyfriend’s chest once again.
Chanhee huffed. “You literally asked.”
“I’m a mere ordinary person who can’t comprehend all those words, especially at three in the morning!”
Upon the mention of the current time, Chanhee was suddenly reminded of Sunwoo’s conspicuous eyebags, feeling a pang of guilt hit his chest. He was the sole reason Sunwoo had awakened from his sleep and had come to his apartment, more worried about Chanhee’s well-being rather than his own. And now, all he was doing was forcing in-depth information, which he didn’t even need to remember, into Sunwoo’s clearly fatigued brain.
“Well, all you need to remember is that it’s a hormone which regulates our emotional responses, besides those two functions I mentioned prior,” Chanhee said, voice barely above a whisper, yet visibly expressing his amusement.
Sunwoo huffed, snuggling closer. “I have a feeling that those two functions will be engraved in my brain from now on.”
“Oh, right, didn’t you also say that you could feel it a few minutes ago—”
“That was before I found out about its primary functions!”
Chanhee giggled softly, clearly entertained, before a quiet hush fell between them. Since Sunwoo had snuggled closer to him, his face was almost buried in his chest, so all that was visible in Chanhee’s vision was a mop of fluffy hair. That prompted him to bury his own hand in Sunwoo’s hair and begin to gingerly play with his hair, rotating strands after strands of hair around his index finger. His careful and calculated hand movements were enough to elicit a pleasant sigh to escape from Sunwoo’s lips, bringing a smile to Chanhee’s face.
“—pass the exam.”
“Hm?”
“You are so going to pass your exam.” Sunwoo’s voice was muffled, inevitably so by his unrelenting desire to keep his face buried in the comfort of Chanhee’s fuzzy sweater (Chanhee couldn’t even begin to fathom how Sunwoo was still able to breathe), yet his words came out clearer than before.
Chanhee smiled, albeit bitterly. “I guess so.”
“What do you mean ‘I guess so’?” This time, Sunwoo shifted his head to peer up at Chanhee. “You’ve been losing sleep for days—months actually, if you include the numerous previous exams you’ve taken and given up sleep for—solely to prepare for this one exam. And honestly speaking, you’re the most prepared person I have ever met. Not even Younghoon is like you.”
Chanhee looked down at his fully-stretched legs across the bed, just then noticing he had accidentally worn mismatched socks. He snorted.
Sunwoo gave him a puzzled look. “What?”
“I’m wearing mismatched socks.”
Sunwoo took a quick look, before focusing on him again. “Don’t dodge the conversation.”
Chanhee sighed, watching how Sunwoo slightly sat up from his position so he could take a proper look at his boyfriend. His eyebags were even more visible in that position and Chanhee couldn’t tell whether they were truly that dark, or if the dim light was casting some type of shadow.
“It isn’t about whether you’ll pass or not, isn’t it.” It sounded more like a statement rather than a question. Perhaps it wasn’t intended to be a question in the first place.
“Mmh.” Chanhee paused, deeming it as enough of an answer, but upon noticing that Sunwoo was far from satisfied, decided to elaborate further. “It’s just.. I feel like whatever I do will never be enough. Sure, I do prepare for exams a few days beforehand, and not just for exams; for anything, really, but is it ever enough?”
Sunwoo cast him a confused look. “As long as you get good results, it is enough. More than enough, actually, taking into consideration your high results.”
“Well, objectively, yes. Personally, though, I never feel satisfied with whatever I do. It’s—Ever since I got into medical school, I’ve come to realise that there are many, many people who are either as good as me or better than me. And not just in medical school, but everywhere around me. It’s always been like that, of course, but it’s been somewhat more distinctive lately. It’s a constant competition, one that shows mercy to no one, and—It’s exhausting, to say the least.
“I can’t even count the amount of times that I’ve felt so burnt out to the point I’ve just wanted to give up without a single care, but then I’ve got reminded of my parents’ words, their expectations, and then my expectations; the ones that I have set upon myself without even realising, which I guess are just a product of the external pressure that has somehow affected my brain and the way I view things, and—” Chanhee abruptly stopped, exhaling a deep, shaky exhale.
His thoughts were scattered all over the place and he wasn’t certain whether he was able to put them together in a way that would be understandable to Sunwoo, hence his sudden cease. Not to mention the sudden tight feeling residing in the pit of his stomach, stemming from his fear of being faced with pity once he met Sunwoo’s eyes. He wasn’t in need of pity or sympathy, all he needed was—well, he didn’t know. He wasn’t sure what he was in need of, because he truly didn’t know how to make the situation any better for his exhausted self, but perhaps Sunwoo did. That had been his initial thought, at least, hence he had called Sunwoo in the middle of the night.
However, when he finally found the courage to lock eyes with Sunwoo, he was met with neither pity nor sympathy. Just a slight, meek smile and a pair of brown orbs, ever so warm and understanding.
“That’s.. That’s basically it. I just hate how it—I don’t even know what to call this ‘it’ . My sudden obsession with becoming perfect at everything, not just my academic performance? Is this what people call perfectionism? I’ve no idea.. And I don’t even wanna know. All I know is that it has been making everything extremely exhausting for a long time now. I just.. I wanna put an end to it.”
Sunwoo slowly interlocked their fingers together, gingerly placing a kiss on the back of his hand. “And are you ready to let go of.. Whatever this is?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like you said, you want to put an end to it because it’s been bothering you for a while now. But do you genuinely feel ready to put an end to it? It’s all you know, after all. Constantly perfecting yourself in order to hear praise from other people, although you are never satisfied with yourself.”
Chanhee paused to think, Sunwoo’s words playing like a broken record in his head. He had never thought about it in that way, but now with Sunwoo’s presence beside him and a clearer head after having spoken his tempestuous mind, he came to realise that, although it was tremendously tiring and difficult to handle, it was all he knew. His desire to be perfect at everything had come to the surface only recently, yet Chanhee was certain it was there before he even entered medical school. It had always been there, nagging at him whenever he didn’t do something the right way, coercing him to do things even better, if that was even possible. Who was Chanhee, without that constant nagging voice at the back of his head?
At Chanhee’s sudden silence, Sunwoo forced a smile. “Letting go of it means change. It has already become a part of you; it has defined you for a long time.. Well, at least in terms of what you’re able to do and how people treat you. You cling onto it because, although it does make you feel miserable at times, it feels familiar and strangely comforting. Letting go of it also requires a lot of effort, so you choose not to—”
“—let go of it,” Chanhee concluded, a pained expression painted on his face.
Sunwoo just smiled weakly as a response.
“You’re constantly telling me to be honest with you and voice out my doubts, yet you don’t do the same,” said Chanhee, a hint of bitterness evident in his voice. “You’re telling me just now about this.”
Sunwoo shrugged. “Well, it was relatively a long time ago. I do still struggle with it sometimes, but it’s better now.”
Chanhee turned his head away, heart heavy and eyebrows drawn together, choosing to focus his gaze on the floor tiles of his room.
“Hey, Chani, don’t be mad at me,” Sunwoo spoke in a hushed voice, placing his hands on his cheeks to gently turn his head in his direction. “I can’t stand it when you’re mad at me. I promise I’m not deliberately keeping secrets from you. It’s just.. There had never been a proper reason to mention this. Not until now.”
Sunwoo’s brown orbs stared at him, taking in his vulnerable state. There was not a hint of dishonesty or spite in his eyes, just pure anxiety and guilt, and that was enough to make Chanhee’s walls crumble down; an attempt to put some sort of distance between them.
Chanhee’s eyes softened and he sighed. He placed his own hands on top of Sunwoo’s warm hands and caressed them softly, blinking lethargically.
“I can never be mad at you, my Sunwoo,” Chanhee smiled, saccharine sweet. “I'm.. truly upset that you’ve experienced the same thing as me, actually, aware of how terribly miserable it causes one to be. I’m glad it has gotten better, though.”
“And so will yours,” Sunwoo responded confidently. He leaned in closer, so as to nuzzle his nose with Chanhee’s, and then placed multiple pecks on his cheek. “I’m your T cell and I’m here to protect you from everything!”
Chanhee chuckled, his giggles resonating in the quiet room. He then fondly shook his head. As his eyes ran all over Sunwoo’s face, taking in every single detail of his face, his chest flooded with warmth and his heart pounded consistently, no longer carrying a disheartening weight.
"What, don't tell me T cells have another function similar to the oxi- oxy—"
While Sunwoo continued to struggle with pronouncing the hormone he had grown oddly obsessed with, all Chanhee could do was stare at him with a wide smile tugging at his lips. Unable to repel the sudden urge to bring him closer, he pulled Sunwoo closer to himself until their faces were mere inches away, successfully shutting him up.
"You know I love you a lot, right?"
Face beet red and eyes comically wide, Sunwoo wordlessly nodded. Did the sudden close proximity made his ability to speak disappear? Endeared, Chanhee placed several pecks on his boyfriend's full lips before concluding it with a long, sweet kiss to which Sunwoo, of course, responded.
"My silly, little nerdy boyfriend," Chanhee cooed.
"Stop saying that," Sunwoo muttered, half-heartedly.
"Never."
Sunwoo simply sighed, closing his eyes in mock annoyance. Then, he leaned into Chanhee's touch, slowly peeling his eyes open to lock their eyes together.
"On a serious note though," he began saying, voice less light-hearted, “what you do is more than enough, Chanhee. I mean it. Just how much longer are you willing to lose sleep and yourself in order to perfect something, only for you to not be satisfied in the end? What do you consider perfection, Chanhee, and when do you think you’ll be finally able to reach it?”
Chanhee blinked, lips unconsciously forming a pout. “I.. I don’t know. I’ve no idea.”
Sunwoo sighed, brushing his boyfriend’s cheek lightly. “It’s not worth running after something that is so.. intangible, in a way. After something that you yourself aren't sure how to reach it. I'm aware that it's easier said than done, but try to think about it, yeah?"
Chanhee bit his lip, weakly nodding his head. "Yeah, I will. For sure I will," he paused, gathering his thoughts. "Thank you for everything, Sunwoo… It's not enough to express my gratitude but.. Really, thank you. I don't know what I would've done without you."
Sunwoo shrugged, a complacent smile on his lips. He opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a loud yawn, preventing him from responding.
"Sleepy?"
That earned him a sluggish nod of approval.
"Right, it's past your bedtime, after all."
Sunwoo opened one of his eyes to glare at Chanhee, before resting his head on his chest once again and making himself comfortable.
"Don't tell me you're planning to revise those cursed flashcards while I'm asleep or I swear—"
Chanhee chuckled, gently patting his head. "Don't worry, I'm not. Besides," he stifled a yawn, "I'm too tired, anyway." Only then did he notice how truly heavy his eyelids were.
"Good."
Chanhee made himself comfortable in the bed sheets, bringing Sunwoo closer to his body like he would to a stuffed toy. Finally, with a lighter chest and with the tips of his fingers feeling numb, he was able to fall asleep with a content smile illuminating his face.
Majoring in medicine and striving for perfection were indeed difficult tasks, but perhaps with his nerdy, football player boyfriend by his side, everything would be alright.