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The day started off normal for us until we got a mission for reconnaissance watching the league of assassins. Normal until of course the mission goes wrong, we have to retreat, with assassins following close behind. And of course my father is among those assassins. But we were able to go against him and somehow managed to incapacitate him.
We fought long and hard, using our coordination, combined strengths, and the different attack patterns learned from Black Canary. We were amazing. So amazing that we were able to take down my father. My father whose strong and skilled. My father who taught me how to fight. My father who is now being carded away by the justice league to be taken into custody. My father who I feel bad for. It’s supposed to be a joyous day, we’re now able to help the league to take down the league due to whatever secrets dad may share to protect himself.
I know in my family it was Everyman for themselves, but watching him be taken by the Batman makes me feel almost like I betrayed him. My own blood? My own father? The other members of the team are celebrating as we walk onto the bioship and I’m not. I should be celebrating. I should be happy. But all I can think of is the sound of my fathers pained voice when superboy broke his leg, and the whispered “choose sides now babygirl, you can only get me in trouble once before your not mine anymore” he said when I got close to him.
It’s dumb. So very dumb. But it’s ringing in my head, over and over and I’m so sure Megan (and the other members of the team) can hear (and see) me completely losing it. He’s my father, he’s never been a good one ,but he was mine. Him, mom, jade, and I, we were a family. A family of ex(and current) cons and a wanna be hero. We were (and still are) dysfunctional and messed up ,but we were family? A family I’ve betrayed so many times to become the hero I’d like to believe I am. I know the work I’m doing is good. I know I’m helping people and keeping others alive. Whereas my father and sister take away life and only protect themselves and the highest bidders and taking orders from them, I protect. I go out each night (and day) alone, with Green Arrow, and with the team to protect whoever we can , whether they can pay, have influence, or not. Everyone deserves saving. So what’s wrong with me?
So why do I feel like I chose the wrong side? Why do I feel like I’m tarnishing my family’s name and reputation? I’m doing something good. I’m making the crocks into good people. I’m trying so damn hard and i'm still feeling like maybe the hero life is not for me? Maybe that’s why I have to try so hard compared to Robin, Megan , and Wally. I’m not a hero like they are. I’m nothing if not my fathers daughter. I’m a villain. Maybe it’s just taken this long for it to all come crashing onto me. That no matter how hard I try I’ll always be Artemis crock : daughter of Lawrence and Paula crock, sister of jade crock ; mercenaries, theifs, and assassins. I’ll never be Artemis crock : hero.
“Heyyy earth to Artemis?? We’ve made it here..uh sorry but are you okay? You're not looking so hot..?” Looking up to see Wally as he shyly scratches at his neck. Wally of all people can see I’m distressed, now the whole team probably thinks it’s affecting me, that they’ll have to walk on eggshells around sad little Artemis who's sad because her fathers locked up again, and because she’ll never be the hero she aspires to be. Quickly shaking my head to rid the thoughts and muttering a quiet (but harsh) “I’m okay, just leave me alone baywatch” and stalking away. Superspeed wouldn’t be able to take me to my room faster.
Quickly reaching my room at the cave and stripping myself of my hero clothes (ha just another reminder of a life not made for me) and putting on casual clothes I jump headfirst into bed. Tightly pull the covers over my face and scream. It’s supposed to be quiet. Of course it isn’t and the whole of mount justice could probably hear me, hell Megan is probably reading my mind now. Megan if you're in my mind now without my permission it’ll be death by 1,000 arrows.
A quick and definitely super sped knock sounds at the door followed by a “Hey arty uh Megan’s making dinner if you want any of that and… we all heard a scream so uh just checking on ya…we can’t have our archer out of commission” from Wally laughing lightly at himself. He’s not funny and it does nothing to help. I know I’m just an archer. I know that’s what I specialize in and it’s my choice of weapon and I love it. I’m so good at it, but I’m no Spee- red arrow. He was and always will be the archer they’d want. He’s the one they need in Commission, not sad little Artemis who's having a pity party crying under the pillows.
Fuck I hate feeling like this.
Letting out another scream, not caring if stupid Wally or the dumb team can hear it or not, pulling tighter onto the blankets and squeezing my pillow tight, I cry. I cry ugly and hard. I’m crying disgustingly and I hate it. I hate it so much. Why? Why can’t I just be like them? Be a hero? Have a normal family? Why-
Suddenly I’m pulled from my mountains of blankets and pulled into some warm arms. “Shhh I’m here, it’s okay, you’re okay.” It’s Wally? How? How did he even get in here? He somehow seemed to hear my question, answering that “ when you screamed again I got worried… I needed to check on you and.. well rob taught me how to pick locks a forever ago, it seemed like the perfect time to use the skill..” he was worried, about me? And he’s now just hugging and comforting me? I don’t deserve this. I don’t need this.
“Go away Wall- “No. I won’t be leaving. Not until you're alright”
“I am alright.. the rooms are a little dusty and I got stuff in my eye from the mission. It's all just making my eyes water. And I screamed because my head is killing me. I have a terrible headache that I feel your the cause of. So GO AWAY.”
“Cut the shit Artemis, you're crying. You’ve never cried before like this and even if something got in your eye you wouldn’t be crying like this. You're going through something and I want to know what it is… what’s bothering you Artemis?”
HIM, he’s what’s bothering me. Stupid Wally that’s still hugging me, stupid Wally who smells like apples and who has a hole in his flannel that’s too soft. Stupid Wally who’s making me feel things, and those stupid feelings coupled with the feelings from today are all just too much. I need to yell at him, but I can’t? For whatever reason I can’t bring myself to do it again when he’s being so nice, while he’s wrapped around me, smelling like boy and feeling like home. It’s all so gross and makes me feel so weak.
“Please Wally just leave me here..I would like to cry alone, I don’t need you using this next time we argue” I say slightly pushing him away and attempting to clear my thoughts. I want and need to be alone, Wally is clouding my senses. “Artemis are you actually out of your mind?”Raising my head to look at Wally with a hard questioning expression upon his face “do you really think so low of me? To think that I would laugh or even think to use an obviously vulnerable moment during an argument I know we have our differences but I’m much better than that and you know it…” his eyes are downcast and filled with anger and sadness, he’s angry with me. It’s not our normal anger, this is more, this is different. He’s different.
“I’m going to ignore that you ever even said that, okay ‘mis. I’m going to stay with you and keep staying with you. You can try pushing me away in whatever way you want to or even shoot me in the head or any other parts with your whole quiver and I’d still stay with you. Something is wrong and the rest of the team can’t tell but I can. I can and I need you to be better, I want to help… please arty let me help”, he looks so sad when he’s saying it all, his voice even cracks at the end. I’m hurting him, my sadness is hurting him. Fuck. That just makes things worse, I’m making things worse. I’m always making things worse.
Shoving my face into his shoulder and pulling him in close enough that our hearts are touching I let everything go. I tell him everything. My feelings of inadequacy, my feelings about my family and what happened today with my father, the team, being a hero, and everything about choosing sides and becoming what I was always destined to become or to choose for myself. The tears are just free falling. I’d never imagined the day I’d be ugly crying in Wally West's arms, but I am and I’m not embarrassed. He just stays quiet and whereas I can’t see him I can hear the hitches in his breath when he obviously wants to interrupt, but doesn’t. It’s not until ten minutes after I’ve finished and calmed down does he pull apart, look me in the eyes ,and start to speak.
“Artemis, I'm so sorry. Me-the team were all so sorry. We never knew of your feelings and we’d never want to make you feel less than, like you're just an archer or something. I know we got off on the wrong foot. I know that I’m the cause of a lot of these thoughts, and I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t see that you were and always will be a great hero, I was blinded by my anger at not having red and I took it all out on you. You didn’t and never will deserve that. You didn’t deserve any of what you went through. You're the toughest person I know. You're the bravest person I know. I know you're worried about being on the wrong side but despite your family lineage you prevailed. Even with all the chips stacked against you , you became a hero. If you're not cut out for this then I don’t know anyone who would be. You're so much more than your family. To me and the team you’ll always be more. And It’s okay to be sad and angry about your family. It’s okay to miss who they were and wish to not completely sever the ties that you have. You're right, they’re your family ,but we are too if you’ll have us… we, the team, the league we all wouldn’t know where we’d be without you. Each day you save someone, each day you save one of us. We’re grateful to have you. We need you. I need you. You're so amazing and talented and I just marvel everytime you do anything. Please Artemis don’t just keep bottling up your feelings like this. Please just promise me you’ll talk to me…I’m begging you.”
I don’t even know what to say. I’ve been reassured by Wally west. I actually feel comforted because of him. I’m sure the look on my face is downright comical, red eyes on a tear streaked face, with a runny nose, and the obvious surprise from hearing all of that from Wally. It’s all so much and it’s so hard to process. But I feel weirdly better ? Looking into his eyes which have been softly looking at mine with his own batch of tears in his eyes, I pull him back into the hug. “Thank you Wally, you’ve helped so much…I don’t know what I’d do without you, I promise to come to you when I need to”. “Thank you and You’d probably live a lot easier, and maybe with less headaches” he says attempting to joke and pulling me in even closer. The embrace hurts. But I love it. I may even love him.
Love. A funny thing. A funny thing that’s a problem for another day. Now , I just want to rest in Wally’s arms. Stay within his warmth and feel his love (?) forever. He’s so warm, and I’m so tired. Speedsters are like a personal heater. I truly understand why iris keeps Barry around now. I wish to stay here with him forever in our own little bubble of comfort, somehow he reads my mind. Taking me into his lap and laying us down softly under the blankets, and never officially letting go of me, he pulls me close and whispers a quiet “go to sleep Artemis, I’ll be here when you wake.” cuddling even closer (which shouldn’t be scientifically possible) I fall asleep draped onto the one and only Wally west, and I’m happy. Hes made me happy.