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Time was a tricky affair. It was not exactly standardized throughout the galaxy since planets orbited their own luminous balls of compressed substances (aka, stars) at different rates. Then there were also the rotations of each planet. Time was relative. And it was a pain to deal with.
For most, intergalactic travel was a short-term affair. But for them, it was all they really knew. The initial sharp streaks of light, blue melding with purple, was like stepping through the front door of home. Then the streaks would smooth out into swirls of blue and purple, welcoming them home once more. It was then that they could just relax, sleep, eat, and recover from whatever hellhole they survived through. Time was inconsequential there, and all the pains Time gave melted away into the swirl of passing systems.
It was their second night in another system on another planet. They'd been hopping from system to system so often that she quickly forgot when she was first assigned as a padawan. With all this travelling, she forgot what it was like to see stars come out and feel like it was night. They should be sleeping, like their men, who adjusted to the different time zones with little difficulty. Instead, she and her master (more like her older brother, now) spent the time training. They did mind games, meditation, saber training, and everything they could think of to tire themselves out.
“What time is it?” she asked. Even though her body was feeling a tad bit worn out, her mind was still as awake as the midday sun.
“Apparently two hours to sunrise,” he said, looking at his chrono. He was glad that it automatically set itself for each system. He yawned slightly.
“You should turn in, Skyguy,” she said after he yawned again. “Your old age is catching up with you, and we can’t have the general falling asleep during battle.” A genuine, teasing smile graced her lips.
He scowled at her, but there was only amusement in his eyes. He bumped her shoulder lightly with own, saying, “You too. Can’t have a youngling napping.”
She glared right back at him, but waved him off, “I’ll be fine.” Inside, though, she was screaming. She was tired, but she wasn’t. Was that even normal? She mentally shook her head. Nothing’s wrong, nothing’s right these days. Just…existence.
She meditated. It was not the same as sleep, but it was the closest she’d get to it. Her master said that meditation was like swimming in the middle of a stormy ocean (no wonder he never cared for it). He only did it when she did it. Said that she was an island where he could sit and listen. She supposed that maybe it had to do with the way she connected to the Force. It was a grand symphony. When she was a child, it was a cacophony of noises, but she learned to tune out a lot of the noises to find the underlying melody. But lately, she heard nothing but grief and anger, sharp notes, off-key. She heard bells tolling and tears dripping. She wanted to turn off her mind and just rest in the resulting silence. But she couldn't. Instead, she focused on the lively notes of the clones and the ocean in her master, allowing the sounds to swirl around her and drown out the universe.
Throughout the following day, she spent each quiet moment with her eyes closed. Not quite meditating, not quite asleep. A state in between the two where she just floated in a stream of sounds. A tap on the shoulder and she instantly returned to the here and now. “You alright, Snips?” her master asked in the afternoon, blue eyes perturbed like the seas. She faked a smile in response. He answered only with a furrowed brow and mouth set in a hard line. He already knew her too well.
It was not the first time spent she the entire night up, and it would not be the last.
How long has it been since the war started? How did they survive when they were up all night many nights? He sat on his bed, staring at the wall across from him. Smooth steel like the rest of the internal walls in their cruiser. Was it upside down, or right-side up? It was all the same. The roof too, was it supposed to look the floor? The burden in his heart…sometimes he thought it too heavy to bear. He never said anything about it. His demons never slept, whispering constantly. He, the Hero with No Fear, was afraid. His fears laughing at the imminent deaths of his his loved ones. His breaths stuttered as he felt the darkness around him.
He suddenly felt a warm glow around, chasing the darkness away. Instead of cruel whispers, there were now only soothing melodies. His breaths calmed to match the girl beside him. But he knew that the dark only fed on the light, but he'll take any reprieve from their torment. He leaned into the light she carried with her, tasting its safety and strength. It only seemed to feed the dark thoughts in his mind. How long would it be until they could both admit it? He did not deserve her company, but loving himself was way too hard.
Then another concerning thought. When did she come in? His senses were really off – a dangerous thing now. But, he let the thought slide because he was not sure why she was awake. She should not be here with him, especially while they were still in hyperspace. She always seemed to fall asleep when they were in hyperspace. She rarely ever slept when they were planet-side in any system.
“You need to sleep, Ahsoka,” he said quietly. “Every young being needs sleep to develop properly.” He turned his head to see her rueful grin.
“I don’t think that is a possibility now,” she answered. “I don’t get the right nutrients.” Another (massive) downside of this blasted war. She should not have to live like this. She was not built to hunt metal. She was not made to live off of ration bars that humans could barely tolerate. But she spoke again, "Are you alright?"
“I’m fine, really,” plastering a half-smile onto his face. “Get some sleep, that’s an order.” The last bit did not come out as sternly as he meant. Inside, he was screaming, against this cursed war, his demons, and his prophesied destiny.
She rolled his eyes – she knew him too well. She lightly nudged him to lean against the headboard, and once he had done so, she pulled a blanket around them. Then she leaned her head against his shoulder – her montrals were still short enough to not poke him.
“You’re gonna get an awful crick in your neck,” he murmered.
“Don’t care,” she mumbled. “No more talking, I’m trying to sleep.”
A real smile found its way to his lips. He opened his shields to let her in. She once told him that she liked the sound his Force-signature made. Said that the waves helped her fall asleep more quickly. Then he focused on her Force-signature. Bright, gentle melodies soothing the arguments inside his heavy heart. It felt like heaven.
Time continued to pass in its convoluted way. Missions here, and missions there. Battles all the time. Sometimes it was with the mind and soul, sometimes it was with their bodies. The cycle never, never stopped. Sleepless nights, long days. Following orders, like good soldiers.
When they faced their commanders, other Jedi, and everyone else out there, they smiled. Fake smiles. The only real smiles seemed to happen when it was just the two of them. They told everyone that they were fine. But they knew each other too well. They each lived their own hells, yet they lived them together. They were each other’s heavens to combat their personal hells. First, they were teacher and student, then brother and sister. Now, one was crucial to the other’s survival. They counted on each other. It was the only way to stay sane through it all. But it was alright…one day, they’ll be alright.