Archive of Our Own

It was after a hard patrol when Damian realized how different it was without Richard.
He had gotten a few sprains and bruises. Usually, when this happened, Richard tended to him and then went up and had a movie night. Even for the littlest of wounds, Richard liked to care for Damian.
He called it bonding time. it was tough for Damian to adjust to when they had started. In the League, they were taught to be ruthless and forget about every feeling apart from anger and pride. He would refuse to the first few nights before Grayson had ended up forcing him to spend time with him. This, along with frequent check ups, would often get on his nerves during this time period but after awhile... Damian was only pretending like he didn’t enjoy it.
“Ugh. Now I have to walk home on this?” Jason complained from where he sat on a cot. He’d sprained his ankle on a fall gone wrong, and was plenty annoyed by it. Damian was confused though.
Jason was leaving? Well, perhaps that was for the best. Tim and Father would have a much better time if Todd left. Damian assumed that they would of course have a movie night, because why wouldn't they? Richard always knew best and if he insisted on movie nights, so would Father.
“Seriously? Two Face men cut right through my shoulders, how am I supposed to type up my report now?” Tim said. Bruce huffed. “I’ll do it, Tim. You rest.”
Tim gave Bruce a tiny smile. "You're lucky, Replacement. B wont drive me home." Jason huffed and rolled his eyes. He grabbed the crutches close to his bedside and walked over to the two men. Jason leaned onto Tim's cot, taking the opportunity to swat at Father's legs with the crutch. He was awarded with a legendary Batman glare. Damian was confused during this encounter. Did they not have nights of “bonding” as Richard called them? Go out for ice cream, watch a movie, maybe even have a cuddle?
He knew that Richard was much more affectionate than the rest. He didn’t realize that wasn’t normal. Was he normal then, if he wanted these things?
He frowned. “What's got the demon brat all upset?” Todd asked, gesturing to Damian. Bruce looked over. “Damian just got a few hits. He's fine, and will be able to handle it himself.” Jason shrugged, leaving, and Tim gave him a devious grin before focusing his attention on the other two men. Bruce walked over to the Batcomputer and began the report while Tim relaxed, sipping on a cup of orange juice.
Damian had hurt his leg and likely would need crutches, but he didn't tell that to Father. He would only seem weak if he let himself succumb to a twisted ankle of all things. He headed out of the Batcave and into the TV room, switching it onto a movie he had watched numerous times with Richard. Damian was fine, just… he wished Richard was here.

—------

Richard was off on a mission. He would not be back for a while. Damian's heart ached. Richard taught him that it was okay to want hugs and to be loved. He helped him recover from what Grandfather taught him.
He just didn’t know how to ask for love when he wasn't being given it anymore.
He watched as the family had a movie night. Todd and Drake were sprawled over the couch, Drake downing a mug of coffee, while Father was sitting in an armchair. Cass and Steph might have invited him, but they weren’t there. He felt so pathetic, so guilty, for expecting this kind of caring and love from another. His Grandfather would've smacked him in the forehead and say 'stop getting so soft'. Damian can't help this rut hes getting into though.
And Damian hurt Tim. So he must deserve it. But Damian just really wants to watch a movie.
He stood there in the doorway, watching his brothers and Father as they interacted. It was interesting to him to see people act as a family. In the League, they would often have not so friendly duels between eachother but they would never be caught dead doing things that Bruce enjoyed to do with his sons. Atleast, sons that weren't Damian.
It hurt too to see them like this. It was another reminder of how Damian was worthless to be here, how he didn't deserve the Cowl.
Because Tim had managed to forgive Jason and Richard for what they had done, for how they had hurt him, and maintained a good relationship. Damian was pleased that his older brothers got that relationship, but sometimes he wanted it too.
It undid all of the League’s training when he thought this because he was being so weak. He was processing emotions and letting it get the better of him when he should not be thinking like this. He should not be straying from his objective of becoming the Dark Knight, he shouldn't be bothered by such meaningless things.
Drake looked over at Damian and noticed him standing there. “Get out of here, Demonspawn. We’re busy watching a movie.”
Damian’s heart wrenched as he walked away, taking heavy steps up the stairs. He reached his room and cried into his pillow. He tried not to think about how he went wrong in so many different places. He can't believe he ever hurt fam- Tim. He knew what he did to deserve this. He knew exactly, minute by minute, what he had done and why. It hurt his heart to know that he would never be redeemable. He would always be seen as evil by this world because of Grandfather and Mother. Not even Father could see past that, so why should anybody else?
Damian really, really wanted his mother. His brother. Anyone.
He’d be good, he promises. He wont be evil anymore.
—-

Damian couldn’t stop this feeling in his chest. How unworthy and unhappy he was, how he didn’t deserve to be Batman’s son anymore. Batman was good and he didn't kill and he certainly didn't steal other people's titles.
He sat at the dining table quietly.
“Tim, how did your meeting go? Did the offer go over well?” Bruce asked. Tim looked up from his plate.
“It went alright, B. I think we’ll be able to partner up with them very soon.” Damian pushed the food around on his plate. He wasn’t very hungry.
“Great. Maybe we could try making them a part of Wayne Corp instead, too…” Bruce trailed off. Jason threw a piece of bread at Tim, which Alfred had walked in and frowned at him. “Pick that up please, Master Jason.”
Jason grumbled but he inevitably got up and threw it out.
Alfred placed some hot chocolates down, as requested by Tim before dinner. “I didn’t know Master Damian was joining you three. Why did nobody alert me of this?”
Alfred only had three hot chocolates. Tim looked at Jason and the two tried not to laugh. Bruce frowned.
“It's alright, Alfred.” Damian says. Tim must have done it on purpose. Maybe Damian deserved it, though. Maybe he wasn’t meant to be in this family.
“Master Damian, it is not quite alright. I shall fetch you a mug right this instant.” Damian just shrugged. He didn’t really have it in him to care. He felt so sad all the time in the weeks since Richard left for his mission.
Alfred left and Damian just stared at his plate quietly. “Tim, that was not nice. Why would you do that to Damian?”
“The demon brat deserved it. Besides, he doesn’t even care. He's a tiny adult, why would he want hot chocolate?” Jason reasoned. Damian has hot chocolate every night before bed with Alfred, and sometimes Richard. A lump in his throat grew.
“Exactly. The little brat will get over it.”
Bruce just sighed. Damian pushed his chair back abruptly and ran from the room. Nobody ran after him and it hurt. It hurt so, so bad and Damian knew it was selfish but if Richard was here he would have followed him. Richard would have had that quiet, low voice and rub his back. He would fetch him a glass of water and listen as Damian sobbed until his throat was raw. He would patiently wait for him to speak and tell him what was wrong and then Richard would fix it, because Richard always fixed it.
Damian also was glad, in his heart, that nobody followed him. He didn’t want them to see him cry. To look weak. But really, Damian just wanted to go home.

—--

Bruce talked to him a few days later. He called him into his office.
Damian sat on one of the chairs in front of Bruce’s desk while he typed away at the computer. Bruce stopped once he was sitting. “Damian.”
“Father.”
“Mister Harris told me that your grades have been slipping. Is this true, Damian?
Damian nodded. He began to chew on his lip. He didn’t understand why he was changing so much lately. Todd and Drake’s words meant nothing to him. They really did. And, truthfully, he didn’t need to be loved that much.
It didn’t even hurt when the three went off to patrol together or they went to get ice cream or something foolish, because he was better than them. He was the Blood Son, wasn't he? Richard said that had meant merely nothing but a title, but sometimes it was comforting. To know that his Father was obligated to care for him even if the caring was without love.
Damian wondered what it would've been like if Thalia chose Richard instead. Damian didn’t mind being forgotten that much, and he had survived for much longer periods of time without comfort. That was okay. It was okay. He was okay. Totally okay.
Bruce sighed. “Damian, I don't know what's going on with you. You can't be doing this, just because you want attention or something. I’m benching you until further notice. I can not handle you getting hurt right now.”
Damian glared at his father. “You can’t do that, Father! I am Robin.”
“You are still Robin, Damian. This is just a break.” Damian didn’t know that everyone else could see how inferior he was, how much he didn’t deserve the Robin mantle.
“Okay, Father.”
Bruce looked at him, obviously having expected much more of a fight. "Is that it, Damian? No arguing?" Damian shook his head and Bruce's face softened. He wasn't used to this look being used on him; usually it was stern, eyebrows furrowed and eyes on fire. “Damian, look… you need to shape up. If you need help, it's not something to be ashamed of. You dont have to do this alone.”
Wasn’t it?

—--

Tim had invited him along for once. They were going to Bat Burger. Damian was grinning, feeling much happier than he had recently. Richard was going to come home tomorrow and it added to his good mood. It was okay if his brothers barely talked to him for weeks, because today could make up for it. He was sure of it.
He sat in the back while his older brothers chatted, watching as they raced by many other buildings. He pointed out flowers in his head, ones that Alfred had once taught him to identity. Eventually they reached the place and walked in. He scanned the menu. He’d never been here before and was disappointed to see how few the vegetarian options were. Damian sighed.
Of course his brothers forgot about it.
The two had already ordered and were motioning for him to order too. “Could I just get some fries and a salad?” He’d asked the lady. She nodded and punched it in while Drake and Todd exchanged a look.
They’d gotten their food shortly and sat down together. “Of course the brat got a salad. There were literally so many other options, you don't need to do Bruce’s diet regimen.” Damian quietly ate his food.
“The kid probably didn’t want to look like we do, the “inferior sons of Batman.’” Damian wished sometimes that the rest of his family was just as understanding as Richard. He was only ten when he’d said that and came from a cult. Why did none of them care?
He finished his salad silently while he listened to them talk. Jason would steal bits of his fries.
They eventually stopped talking and turned to him. “So, demon brat, what's up with you? Been sulking a little too much lately.” Todd said. “I’m fine, Todd.”
“Yeah, right. You never throw tantrums like this, so what gives?” Was Damian really throwing a tantrum? Maybe what he was feeling wasn't that important.
“I’m not throwing a tantrum, Drake.”
“Yeah, right. What do you call never joining us for family nights and hiding in your room all day?”
They never invited him! How was he supposed to come if he was never invited? He wouldn’t impose on them without their permission.
“You never told me that I was allowed to come along, Drake.” The two older men exchanged a look. Tim looked kind of sad, but it washed away quickly. “You take too much after Goldie. Stop trying to be so fucking perfect all the time. Being the blood son means nothing.” Jason said, his words stabbing Damian in the heart.
He wasn't sure if there was anyone who cared about him anymore. That night, he’d called his mom. She was too busy to pick up.

—-

Damian had been standing in front of the door all day. It was finally starting to open, the lock turning and he saw who he had been waiting for. He saw the caring eyes of his older brother who was ready to love him.
He just wanted to feel love again. Bruce never showed it and Tim hated him. Jason merely tolerated his presence. Richard wanted to be around him, and he wanted to love Damian. Dick came through the door and it felt like new beginnings, it felt like he could finally be happy again. Damian had been so isolated and hurt just by him being gone for what, a month?
Richard stood in front of him, his wide grin quickly fading when he saw Damian’s state. He could always read him well. “Dami?”
Damian’s lips quivered. “Grayson,” is all he said but quickly the floodgates burst and he threw himself into his brother’s arms. Richard wrapped his arms around him and he felt so safe and so loved. Damian didn’t want to ever let go.
It would be okay as long as Richard was there with him.