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Most people who receive their high school acceptance letters were overcome with joy or relief. Maybe they were in shock that they actually got in, or maybe they expected it. Even so, the biggest feeling that a middle schooler would be feeling would be a sense of accomplishment, and of course, happiness. Pride was another that they would feel. But for Yamada Saburo, as he stared at his high school acceptance letter, all he felt was numbness and disappointment.
Oh sure, he wanted to go to this high school for years now, and by all means, he worked hard to be able to apply for the high school. And he should feel proud. But reading it, he just couldn’t bring himself to feel happy. He should be going into his second year of high school right now. Not starting off. He was behind all of his old classmates, and had no chance of catching up to them. He was destined to graduate high school at nineteen years old. He was a failure and an embarrassment. Hell, even Jiro had already graduated.
He knew logically that he didn’t get held back because of his intelligence. It was only because of all of his absences back when he’d gotten kidnapped by Samejima and held captive for a month straight, and then he had to be in the hospital for a few weeks, and then after the confrontation with Samejima in Shibuya, he had to wait until his legs were no longer broken and shattered to begin physical therapy, and he couldn’t attend school until he’d had a small grasp on standing up for a few seconds.
In short? He basically stopped attending school when he got kidnapped and only returned when the new year began. And even then, he wasn’t able to use a walking cane until summer began.
And even still, a couple months ago, back in December, he still struggled with walking in the cold! It was painful beyond belief, and one of his brothers was always walking with him to school to make sure he was okay.
But now? What about now? He was going to be in high school, and his school was a little far away. He had to take a train to get there. Would his brothers stop walking him to school? He felt confident enough about keeping his hypnosis mic on him, but…he’d become so reliant on them that the idea of attending high school while being behind his old classmates made him feel…well, like a failure.
Suck it up, Saburo…just because you got kidnapped almost two years ago, that doesn’t mean you’re gonna be babied forever…
He swallowed a heavy lump in his throat, his eyes beginning to burn a bit.
They wouldn’t want to walk with you anyway. Samejima hasn’t come back. The world has already moved on from this case. My brothers are acting normal. It’s like it never happened…besides, it’s not like I haven’t been kidnapped before…
Back at the orphanage, he and Jiro had been in an unfortunate hostage situation. Not that Saburo really remembered it, but according to Jiro, he was crying pretty much the entire time.
Jiro had been about his age now at the time. He was doing fine. So Saburo had no excuse to still be affected by what happened. He had no excuse to still be having nightmares about being trapped in that damn basement, waiting in fear for Samejima to come down and start beating him again, or to start to mentally torment him, saying that his brothers hated him, gave him up, and were happy that he was gone.
So why…why did it still hurt so much?
He was pathetic.
As he stared blankly at the letter that brought him so much sorrow, there was a knock at his door, causing Saburo to flinch and jump, his shoulders bouncing and his heart skipped several beats, causing a flicker of pain and anxiety in his chest as his head snapped up.
The door opened, and Ichiro peeked his head into the room. “Saburo, dinner’ll be ready soon.” He informed him.
“A-ah…thanks…” Saburo gulped, his heart pounding painfully and quickly against his chest as he slowly tried to calm down from the fear that invaded his heart.
“Ah- sorry, did I scare you?” Ichiro gave him a sympathetic smile, apparently not catching onto the fact that Saburo had been jumpier since his torture.
It wasn’t Ichiro’s fault. He didn’t know that the sound of a door opening caused an instant panic within Saburo. After all, while he laid in that basement, the moment he heard the door opening, he always knew that Samejima would be coming down and hurting him. It was especially bad if the door squeaked too- and often, Saburo found himself having anxiety attacks when that happened. Thankfully, though, his brothers hadn’t found out about that yet.
“It’s fine. I was just thinking,” Saburo replied, offering a weak smile.
“About?” Ichiro’s eyes fell to the paper in Saburo’s hands. “Hm? Is that…your acceptance letter?”
“Yeah…” Saburo held the paper up weakly. “I got in.”
A huge smile crossed Ichiro’s face, and his eyes crinkled in pride. “That’s amazing! Congratulations, Saburo! I’m proud of you!” He reached out and ruffled his hair.
Saburo felt a tiny fleck of hope in his chest at the action.
…The fact I feel better from Ichi-nii’s praise just proves that I’ve never grown up…
Ichiro pulled his hand back, beaming down at him. “I guess you’ll be hopping on the school website to tell them your uniform size and whatever else you need to do.”
“Y-yeah. I’ll do that,” Saburo responded, slightly despondent.
Ichiro smiled at him.
“Alright. I’ll get you when dinner’s ready, then.”
“Ah, um…Ichi-nii? Where’s Jiro?” Saburo asked quickly.
“Jiro? He should be out on a job right now.” Ichiro gave him a strange look. “He should be back soon, though. Should I leave him a message that you’re waiting for him?”
“N-no. That’s not necessary. I was just wondering,” Saburo looked away from him, his cheeks burning.
“Okay…let me know if you need anything.”
“Okay.”
With that, Ichiro left him alone, gently shutting the door behind him. Saburo let out a soft sigh, looking down at his acceptance letter again.
I couldn’t do it…I couldn’t ask him if he would still help me to school come winter time. I couldn’t ask if on the first day of school, he or Jiro would come with me so we could take a picture…and now he’s suspicious that something’s bothering me…I really am a child…
He didn’t want to be a burden on his brothers, after all.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
Stop it. Samejima’s words are getting to you again. You were never a burden on them…you were never a burden…your brothers love you…
He mentally repeated the phrase over and over again. In all honesty, ever since he’d been rescued, he became more conscious of his own words and actions. And while he still argued with Jiro and acted like a spoiled brat, he often found himself faltering at himself and taking a step back, worrying that he was being too awful for them to want him around.
It was a fear that he’d never had before, and what was weird about it was that he knew, logically, that a pesky fight won’t make his brothers wish he was gone. And yet, when the anxiety crossed his mind, he could perfectly picture a darker version of himself- beaten, bloodied, bruised, covered in his own bodily fluids, staring at him with lifeless eyes and telling him all of the things he didn’t want to hear.
“They hate you just as much as you hate yourself.”
“You’re nothing but a fake. You’re always brushing their concern off and then destroying yourself with your own paranoia. You’re a coward.”
“You’re the worst person, undeserving of their love. You start all these fights and do nothing. You do nothing but complain, but then still have the gall to tell yourself that they love you? You’re sick.”
“You should have died in that basement. They would have moved on without you.”
“Do you really think you’re so important that they would stop living just because you died? Grow up, already, you selfish, disgusting, sick excuse of a human being.”
“Actually, are you even human? You can’t express yourself properly, can you? No one wants to be around people like that.”
The list went on. It was absolute torture to listen to that voice. Sometimes, telling himself that his brothers would never actually get rid of him, or that they love him, only made the voice louder and louder. On those days, he tried to plug his headphones in and would listen to blaring music that would probably give him tinnitus in the future from how loud it was in his ears. It was the only way to somewhat quell that voice that taunted him, that invaded his dreams and his waking hours.
In his hands, his acceptance letter crumbled, and he promptly threw it away in the little trash can that was by his desk, before spinning his chair to face his monitors.
He’d better order his school uniform. He had nothing better to do.
He filled in the online form on the school website, with the back of his mind nagging him to see if any of his old classmates were attending the high school as well.
_____
The following morning, Ichiro made breakfast for the three of them. Saburo sat at the table silently as he poked at his breakfast with his fork, while Ichiro cleaned up the kitchen.
“Are you excited for your last week of school to start, Saburo?” Ichiro asked him when he finished, drying his hands off.
“Mhm…” Saburo tried for a smile, and shoveled a bite of food into his mouth so Ichiro wouldn’t get suspicious that something was wrong.
“Spring break is next week, too,,” Ichiro mused, walking towards the table. “Do you have anything you wanna do? Name it, kiddo, and I’ll make it happen.”
Ichiro’s face was so genuine, so full of love…it made Saburo feel bad that he wasn’t speaking up about…well, anything.
“I don’t know,” he finally opted to saying. “I haven’t checked the video game shop lately. Maybe I’ll see if there’s any new releases.”
Ichiro smiled wider. “If you find anything, let me know. I’d be happy to play with you. I know Jiro would be too. Though, speaking of Jiro…” His smile faded and he turned to the direction where their bedrooms were. “Jiro! Breakfast is ready! Time to get up!” He called, cupping his mouth with one hand.
“Sure thing, Ichi-nii…” Saburo mumbled.
Within minutes, the door to Jiro’s room opened, and Jiro came stumbling out, yawning. He was dressed for the day, but…his buttons on his shirt were all buttoned wrong. He would definitely be the laughing stock of Ikebukuro if he stepped outside like that.
“Jiro…you should really pay attention to what you’re doing,” Ichiro sighed.
“Huh? What?” Jiro scratched his head.
“Your shirt,” Saburo supplied blandly, nibbling at his second bite of food.
“Oh.” Jiro looked down and blinked blearily before unbuttoning his shirt and re-buttoning it.
Ichiro shook his head fondly before pouring a cup of coffee and setting it down where Jiro sat. “Here. It’ll help you wake up more,” Ichiro smiled a bit in amusement.
“Thanks, aniki,” Jiro sat down and took a gulp of his coffee. He choked and set the cup down, coffee spilling from his lips as tears sprung to his eyes and his face turned red. “Hot! Hot!”
“You okay, Jiro?” Ichiro asked in concern.
“I burned my tongue!” Jiro cringed in pain.
Ichiro gave him a glass of ice water, which Jiro quickly chugged down. When he was finished with it and the chaos settled, Jiro glanced over at Saburo, quickly picking up on his mood.
“Yo, Saburo…are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Saburo replied automatically.
Jiro’s eyebrows furrowed a bit, and he went quiet as Ichiro looked at the two in confusion and concern.
Saburo, feeling the tension rising, stood up promptly. “It’s time for school.” He announced.
“Ah, aniki! I’ll take Saburo to school today!” Jiro offered, standing up quickly.
“Sure, but what about breakfast?” Ichiro asked him, frowning.
Jiro picked his plate up and used his fork to scrape his food into his mouth, as if he was some sort of garbage disposal…or a trash can.
“That’s not what I- oh nevermind…” Ichiro sighed and smiled a bit. “Have a good day at school, Saburo.”
“Okay. Thanks,” Saburo walked towards the door, grabbing his bag on the way.
“Oh! Don’t forget your bento!” Ichiro hurried after him and handed it to him.
“Thanks.”
Ichiro gave him a warm smile.
Saburo didn’t look back as he left, with Jiro following closely behind him. He didn’t rush Saburo as he walked slowly down the steps, the slight jostling in his legs being rather painful on his scarred leg.
When the two brothers were out, Jiro turned to him with a scowl on his face. “Okay. Fess up. What’s wrong?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean!” Jiro huffed, crossing his arms as the two walked to Saburo’s school. “You might be able to convince aniki that you’re just tired, but I know you better than that. You didn’t insult me for my shirt this morning, or when I burned my tongue, or when I shoved all that food in my mouth.”
“So? That doesn’t mean something wrong,” Saburo retorted.
“You know that you can come to me, right?” Jiro continued, his tone softening slightly. “If you don’t want to cause aniki to worry, at least talk to me, then. I’m not aniki, but it’s better than bottling it all up.”
“...I would, but nothing’s bothering me,” Saburo sighed, “so lay off it, will you?”
The two went silent for what felt like hours, but in actuality, was probably only a few minutes. As they walked, they passed by a few of Saburo’s classmates, eagerly talking about the high school they’d gotten in.
Saburo couldn’t hold back the small flinch when he heard them.
Jiro caught on too quickly for comfort. He looked at Saburo incredulously. “Seriously..? Are you worried about high school? You’re a genius kid. You have nothing to be worried about!”
“I’m not worried about that,” Saburo mumbled.
“Then what? What are you so afraid of?” Jiro pressed.
“I’m afraid that you two won’t be there!” Saburo finally burst out, a little sick of Jiro’s consistent prying.
“...What?” Jiro stopped walking to stare at him, looking utterly baffled.
Saburo stopped too, his shoulders slumping a little at the admission. “I mean…my new high school is far. In order to get there, I need to take the train. And I get that you guys can’t walk me all the way to the high school- let alone everyday, but…I still just…want to do what we never got to do in the orphanage…”
“Which is..?” Jiro asked softly.
“Take…a photo in front of the school sign…together…” Saburo sighed. “I…always saw other families doing it, but…we couldn’t do it back then. Because it was only the two of us, and we didn’t have any cameras.”
“...I’m not gonna lie, Saburo, I never would have expected that you wanted one of those photos,” Jiro admitted.
“I didn’t. Before, I mean,” Saburo fidgeted and began to walk. Jiro matched his pace easily. “But…I was also hoping that…if we got the photo, then I would feel like I could move forward and not…feel left behind.”
“Left behind? We’d never-”
“Not left behind from you and Ichi-nii. I mean from my old classmates,” Saburo corrected him. “They’re all going into their second year now, and I’m barely starting high school. I’m going to graduate at nineteen. My life will be a complete mess.”
“Shit, Saburo. No one will think that,” Jiro shook his head. “I mean, it ain’t your fault that…all of that shit happened. And if by any chance someone made fun of you…” Jiro pounded his fist into his hand. “I’ll beat their asses.”
“...Violence isn’t the answer, stupid Jiro…” Saburo mumbled, a small smile on his face.
Jiro grinned at him, pleased that he got Saburo to smile, even if it was only a bit. “Oh, and Saburo! About the photo thing…aniki and I would be happy to go with ya! And also…don’t worry about the cold seasons! I’m sure that aniki or I will drive you to school when it’s winter and pick ya up when it’s time so you don’t have to struggle walking to the train station and home.” Jiro smacked his arm lightly and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“It still amazes me that you got your license…” Saburo mumbled.
“Oi! I’m a safe driver! Aniki was the one who taught me how to drive!”
“Yeah, yeah. Just don’t hit a hundred pedestrians.”
“So damn cheeky..!” Jiro grumbled.
Saburo finally cracked a small smile. Hope filled his chest that, maybe, just maybe, things would turn out okay.
_____
Graduating middle school was a jarring experience for Saburo, who watched as many of his classmates cried at the ceremony. He left without looking back.
Middle school, for most people, was an awkward time to try to find out who you were, and was the time where a lot of kids thought about high schools and future careers. But for Saburo, middle school is when the Party of Words took over, when he got kidnapped by his old orphanage director, battling with hypnosis mics in an adult world, and getting kidnapped and tortured by Samejima.
In short, he was actually really glad to leave it all behind.
Things would still be complicated, but at least he could move forward.
His brothers were waiting for him outside his school. He walked over to them and accepted their group hug, both of his hands clutching onto his middle school diploma.
“We’re proud of you, Saburo,” Ichiro said quietly.
For once, Saburo let himself believe those words.
_____
Spring break went by pretty quickly, with Saburo’s high school uniform arriving in the mail a few days before the first day of school. When the package came in, Saburo opened it at the dining table with his brothers surrounding him with big smiles on their faces.
“Try it on!” Ichiro urged him when he took the uniform out.
Saburo hesitated, but went to his room to do so.
Slipping the clothes on, he felt a bit more mature. Older. Thankfully, he was also able to tie his tie properly. He didn’t bother looking at himself in the mirror, though, knowing his brothers would tell him if it looked good or if he needed to fix something.
When he came out, Jiro looked a bit surprised, and Ichiro’s face twisted with emotion. But it wasn’t bad. It was…soft.
“Saburo…you look great,” Ichiro choked out. “You’re really growing up…”
His uniform was pristine white- the button up being long sleeved, and he wore a beige vest over it, with the tie being red. The blazer was white and had the school’s insignia on the left side of it, and his pants, which were rather thin and clung to his legs loosely, were also white with red plaid patterns on them.
“It suits you,” Jiro commented, “looks all fancy and shit.”
Ichiro swallowed and turned back to the box, picking up a few things. “Textbooks, notebooks…they really sent you everything, huh? I can’t believe in a few short years, you’ll be out of school…Our precious baby brother…”
Saburo shuffled over. “Ichi-nii…I should be in my second year right now…” He said quietly. Jiro, beside him, stiffened and glanced at him in obvious worry. Saburo kept his gaze focused on the eldest. He finally had the guts to ask him what he’d been dying to hear from Ichiro for a while now. Maybe it was his raw emotion that he was displaying that made him have the courage to do so? He didn’t know.
But it didn’t matter.
“Are you…disappointed in me?”
Red and green eyes rounded in shock at the question, and Ichiro’s lips parted open for a moment, before shutting, and then opening again. “No. Of course not, Saburo. You’re doing all you can after a shitty situation. You aren’t letting that trauma beat you. You’re doing…so good.” He rested a hand on Saburo’s head. “I couldn’t be any prouder. I mean…I could always tell that you were stewing over something, but I didn’t want to push.”
“You knew..?”
“Of course I did,” Ichiro gave him a small smile. “You’re my little brother.”
“I told you, Saburo. Aniki cares for ya…and so do I.” Jiro leaned against the table. “So no more worrying on your own. You got two big brothers who are always here for you. No matter what happens, you’re ours, and we’ll never let you go.”
“We love you, Saburo,” Ichiro relayed.
“Ichi-nii…Jiro…” Saburo could feel his eyes wavering slightly. “I…I know that you two are probably tired of having to tell me that all the time, but…”
“No, it’s fine. We’ll say it as much as you need us to,” Ichiro soothed gently, “you’ve been through a lot. We all have, but…you especially. It’s been a struggle for you, and I hear you waking up at night from your nightmares. I’m always here to lend an ear if you wanna talk about them.”
“But I never wanted to wake you, Ichi-nii!”
“I know,” Ichiro looked mildly amused, “why do you think I turn anime on a low volume when you have those nightmares?”
“So that…I’ll hear it…and know you’re awake..?” Saburo guessed, a bit unsure.
“Exactly,” Ichiro smiled.
“But…I have those nightmares all the time! You can’t tell me that you’ve been waking up extra early just in case I need to talk, right..?” Saburo sputtered.
When Ichiro didn’t respond verbally, Saburo felt tears springing to his eyes. Though this time, it wasn’t out of remorse or anything of the sort. It was of joy. Yes, a bit of regret too, but Saburo was…happy.
Ichiro and Jiro’s reassurances weren’t enough to completely dissipate the sullen voice that constantly echoed in his mind, but it was enough to make his heart fuller. It filled him with renewed confidence that his brothers truly loved him.
He knew that he would still have those dark thoughts, and they may never go away, but he knew for a fact that he would have his brothers support.
Saburo, in a rare moment of vulnerability, reached out and pulled his two big brothers into a hug.
“Thank you, Ichi-nii…Jiro.”
_____
The morning of the first day of school was a hectic one. Saburo got up, took some painkillers, got dressed in his new uniform, got ready, and headed to the dining room, where Ichiro had prepared a huge breakfast feast for the three brothers. Both Ichiro and Jiro ate quickly, and were dressed nicely. Not in a suit and tie or anything, but…nicer than they normally dressed. For instance, Ichiro wore a red shirt and a white jacket, while Jiro wore a flannel with his letter jacket tied around his waist. His hair was tied into a loose bun, and he’d abandoned his cap too.
For the first day of school, Ichiro ended up driving them there, which took approximately forty minutes. They got there by eight in the morning.
There were tons of students there already. Many of them had families with them, while some only walked together with friends. There were plenty of pictures being taken. Laughter and joy filled the air, and the pride on parents, older siblings, and all else was palpable.
The brothers walked to the sign that read Saburo’s high school, and Ichiro took his phone out, along with a selfie stick. (When had he gotten that?)
“Smile, everyone,” Ichiro said, positioning the phone.
Saburo stood in the middle of his two brothers as they leaned in closer to him, smiling widely. Ichiro had a prideful smile on his face and held up a peace sign with his free hand,, while Jiro flashed the camera a toothy grin and a thumbs up. Saburo, squished between the two, allowed a small smile to cross his face. He noticed, in the reflection of Ichiro’s phone, that his blue and green eyes seemed to glow with joy, and realized, with a start, this may be the first time- or just one of the only few times, that his smile actually reached his eyes.
Ichiro snapped the photo.
The three pulled back.
“I’ll send this to our group chat later on,” Ichiro promised.
“I’ll look forward to it,” Saburo said quietly.
“Ah-” Jiro lightly pounded his fist into his palm. “By the way, Saburo…aniki and I will be waiting here for you when you get off!”
“You don’t have-”
“I know,” Jiro cut in, “but we wanna know how your first day went! So you gotta promise to go all out and tell us everything! I’ll force it out of you if I have to!” He jokingly threatened.
“We’ll see you later, Saburo,” Ichiro added when the first warning bell rang loudly.
“...Okay,” Saburo gave a singular, small nod, before giving his brothers one last grateful hug, before quickly walking through the gates of his new high school. After several paces, he glanced back at his brothers, who were still standing there watching him with soft, fond smiles on their faces.
Thoroughly assured, Saburo turned and continued on, to begin anew.