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The wind quietly whistled through the air, light sprinkles of snow blanketed the ground, and the only sound Merlin could hear was the soft crunch of horse hooves meeting snow.
As Merlin and Arthur traveled through the forest, their leisurely pace matched the peaceful environment. Merlin looked around; the picturesque scene surrounding them should have filled him with peace and wonder.
After all, it was Yuletide - his favorite time of year - and he usually adored feeling the cool, crisp air on his face, surrounded by all the beauty of the snow.
Unfortunately, all Merlin felt was dread. While outwardly, all he could hear was -
Crunch-crunch-crunch.
Inside his head, that sound was dwarfed by the butterflies fluttering in his stomach and the thudding of his heart. When he took off his gloves, he assumed they would be quite damp.
While he usually loved the quiet, all it did now was unnerve him, along with Arthur’s unnatural stillness. Arthur was always on high alert when they were in the woods, especially in the dark, but this felt different - stifling. Not only was Arthur not speaking, but he hadn’t turned to Merlin once.
And Merlin suspected - feared - he knew why.
It had started innocently enough - well, somewhat innocently. Arthur and Merlin were at a bar. There was a friendly wager over a game. When Merlin surprised everyone - including Arthur - by handily winning, the sore losers started a bar fight. As usual, the fight was part scary, part exhilarating.
Any fun came to a screeching halt when, out of nowhere, Arthur was stabbed. Even though it wasn’t the first time Arthur had been stabbed, that didn’t make it any less scary.
Unfortunately, Merlin was also familiar with Arthur almost dying. It had happened too many times. After being stabbed, the look of shock/terror on Arthur’s face as he fell to his knees was enough to shake Merlin to his core and move toward Arthur at the speed of light.
This couldn’t be happening.
Arthur Pendragon was not going to be vanquished by a no-neck, no-name clotpole.
Arthur Pendragon was not going to die in a pathetic bar fight.
Arthur Pendragon was not going to die.
Once he got Arthur away from the bar, Merlin immediately found somewhere secluded. With all the strength he could muster in his whole being and his magic stronger than ever, he used his powers to heal Arthur.
After he leaned down and felt Arthur’s breath against his ear and heartbeat pulsating against his trembling hands, Merlin practically collapsed against Arthur. For a long time, all he felt was relief.
But then, once he was conscious, Arthur started asking questions. In all the times Merlin had saved Arthur’s life before, he had always been unconscious or willing to accept any story Merlin offered.
This time, Arthur seemed skeptical. The way he looked at Merlin had changed. It was like he was seeing Merlin for the first time. Instead of exasperated affection, it didn’t seem like Arthur knew what to think.
Merlin couldn’t figure out what could have changed other than what happened on their journey. But why would that have changed Arthur’s feelings for him? Unless….
Could Arthur have seen him use his magic? Merlin had been certain Arthur was unconscious before he saved him.
But was he?
Not one hundred percent positive, Merlin became convinced it could be the only explanation.
As Arthur became increasingly distant, Merlin’s sadness at their lost dynamic started to mix with a palpable dread as he faced the reality of what could happen to him if Arthur knew about his magic. While Merlin would love to think that their friendship meant something to Arthur, he knew Arthur well enough to know that his anger at being lied to might blind him to any reason.
Though it was true - he did know Arthur very well. If he saw Merlin use his magic, wouldn’t he have said something by now? It wasn’t like Arthur to be coy under these circumstances.
In the many ways he’d envisioned Arthur’s reaction to his magic, there being no reaction never entered his mind.
A brash, volatile, emotional confrontation - yes. Quiet contemplation - no.
There were too many questions swirling in his head. He could have ended the confusion by talking to Arthur, but if he had been brave enough to have that conversation, he wouldn’t be in this mess right now.
While he had been contemplating this, they had arrived at their destination - the Lake of Avalon. Or the frozen-over Lake of Avalon, to be more precise. Arthur had already begun to dismount his horse.
As he stared at the lake, Merlin began to shiver even more - especially as he recalled all of the unhappy memories he had here over the years. Was he about to add one more? The final one?
It wasn’t that Merlin was fearful for his life. One thing he was confident of was that Arthur wouldn’t kill him. But if he banished him, Merlin thought that might be a fate worse than death.
Is that what they were doing here? Perhaps Arthur had decided to leave him here - not even giving him the benefit of packing his belongings. Perhaps Arthur thought it was a fitting punishment that Merlin would not be able to say goodbyes to his loved ones - just thinking about never seeing Gaius or Gwen again made his stomach twist viciously.
What could Merlin even say to Arthur if this was to be goodbye? I’m sorry seemed too small. And, if he said what was indeed in his heart - would that make the pain better or worse?
Merlin shook his head. Nothing could make this pain any worse.
Deciding it was time to face the music, he slowly slid off his horse.
“It’s beautiful out here, isn’t it?”
The sound of Arthur’s voice startled him. It was the first time he’d spoken to Merlin in what felt like days. His voice had no anger, just a steady calm Merlin didn’t expect.
Following Arthur’s gaze, Merlin stared up at the sky. The flurry of snow had picked up, unbeknownst to him. For a second, putting aside the impending doom facing him, Merlin could admit that Arthur was right - it was beautiful.
“My father used to come out here with my mother often,” Arthur added.
That was another thing Arthur had been doing lately - talking about his father. Merlin had begun to think that knowing about his magic was causing Arthur to think about Uther more and more. If Uther was on his mind - influencing his decision-making - that did not spell good news for Merlin.
“My father didn’t talk about my mother often, but there was one time he took me here - after I won my first tournament.” Arthur threw a look at Merlin over his shoulder.
It was brief - too brief for Merlin to glean anything from his expression or eyes.
“He told me this was a favorite spot for him and my mother to escape it all. They’d been coming here since before they were married - even before they were together. My mother taught him how to swim here.” Arthur let out a wistful chuckle.
Closing his eyes, Merlin tried to picture a young Uther here, but imagining a young, carefree Uther was difficult. It was hard to divorce himself from the memories of what a stoic tyrant he was to Merlin and his kind.
Somehow, it was easier to imagine Ygraine. Gaius had told him stories about her. He said she looked like Arthur.
Though, at times, Arthur could be as hard and cold as Uther, Merlin knew there was even more of the wise, patient, kind, intelligent woman that Gaius spoke so highly of in Arthur. And if a woman like that could love Uther, maybe someone decent had been in there once.
After that, it was easier for Merlin to picture the younger Ygraine and Uther here.
“One time, my mother surprised him by running into the water - even with her heavy clothes on - and going for a swim. She wanted my father to join her. And of course, my father, being so fond of fun and spontaneity, immediately said ‘yes.’”
The sarcasm was evident, and Merlin couldn’t help snickering.
“Of course, my father declined. Even though it was hard to refuse my mother anything, he couldn’t swim, and he couldn’t allow himself to let my mother know that he wasn’t the best at everything. Even more than that, he couldn’t let her see that he was afraid. So, he stayed right here and watched her.”
That was not hard for Merlin to picture at all.
“But, the more he watched her - how carefree she seemed. The more he heard her laugh - so full of life. The more he got pulled toward her. The desire to share this with her was greater than any fear he felt. But he couldn’t make it to her. So my mother swam to him. She took his hand and said that it was okay. Then she taught him how to swim.”
Before Merlin knew it, he had forgotten all of his anxieties, and the smile on his face stretched from ear to ear. He understood the pull of a love like that. He knew it all too well.
Noticing that Arthur had gone silent again, Merlin opened his eyes. He gasped. Arthur was mere inches away from him now. He was so close that Merlin could count every snowflake on Arthur’s eyelashes. His clear, blue eyes were trained on Merlin. Gone was the questioning appraisal. There wasn’t even any affectionate annoyance. It was just pure tenderness.
“My father said that day cemented for him that he was in love with my mother, and he knew he would never feel that way about another living soul. She was the one person he felt safe sharing his fears and vulnerabilities with because he knew she would accept and love him no matter what. When he asked her to marry him, he did it here.” Arthur gestured to their surroundings.
Barely being able to tear his eyes away from Arthur’s, Merlin glanced around.
“That’s why I brought you here today, Merlin.” He slowly gripped Merlin’s shaking hands. “I know you have magic, Merlin.”
Merlin sucked in a breath and tried to take a step back, but Arthur held his hands tighter.
“I was awake the day you saved me after the fight at the bar. I was in and out but aware enough to see - to see your eyes turn.”
To Merlin’s amazement, he didn’t sound scared. He even sounded a little in awe.
“I was so confused and imagined that I had been seeing things, but then it made me think back to so many times like that before. You always had an explanation that made sense, but what made even more sense was the truth - you have magic. What I saw was real.”
“But - but -” Merlin could barely form words.
“I didn’t say anything?” Arthur nodded. “When I realized it, I was so angry; I was afraid of what I would do or say if I saw you. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who to talk to. In such a situation, you would be the first person I turned to, but I couldn’t. It was a lonely feeling. And I thought, ‘Is this what Merlin has been going through all these years?’”
Merlin swallowed the lump in his throat.
Even though he did have other people he had been able to confide in, there were more times than Merlin could count when he felt like the loneliest person alive.
“I talked to Gaius.”
“Gaius?” Merlin’s eyes bulged.
“Yes. I knew if you talked to anyone, it would be him. He confirmed my suspicions when I promised I would never hurt you.” Arthur pursed. “As if I could ever…”
Merlin couldn’t help sighing in relief at Arthur’s aside.
“Gaius was able to fill in so many blanks. He allowed me to unload on him the way I normally would have to you. He helped me to realize what was right in front of my face. You saved my life. And not just at the bar, but countless times. You put your life on the line.” His gaze flitted all over Merlin’s face.
There wasn’t just tenderness there….it was more. An emotion Merlin dared not name just yet, but he knew what it was because he felt it every time he looked at Arthur.
“I wish you had told me the truth, but I understand why you were scared. I understand why you couldn’t put your heart on the line.”
Arthur closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. When he opened his eyes, a small, shaky smile appeared on his lips. Then it fell, and he reached for Merlin’s face.
“If I want you to be willing to share everything with me, then I need to be willing to do the same. Because, Merlin, you are the person in my life I feel safe to be myself with. I know you will criticize me mercilessly when I’m being -” He squinted. “What did you call me once?” He snapped his fingers. “A ‘supercilious prat.’
Chortling, Merlin discreetly wiped at his nose.
“But - and I am loathe to admit this - I need that. You aren’t afraid to tell me when I’m wrong. But, you offer support as well. You always manage to see me for the man I am and the man I hope to be one day. You save my life in so many ways, and I can’t bear to imagine how dark my life would be without you.”
It was hard for Merlin to see through the heavy snowfall and the even heavier river of tears flowing down his cheeks.
Arthur stroked his gloved thumb under Merlin’s eye.
“I love you…more than you can ever know. And more than anything, I would like to have you by my side for all days…as my consort…as my husband.”
Merlin’s hands flew to his mouth.
This had to be a dream.
“You…want to marry me?” He squeaked.
“I thought I was very plain about that. But perhaps you need me to break it down into smaller words. Speak more slowly, perhaps.”
With a loud, ungraceful snort - that he wasn’t embarrassed by - Merlin pressed his head into Arthur’s chest. He pulled back with a joyful giggle.
“Thank you. You were acting so nice and civilized. I wondered where the regular Arthur I know was, and -” He stopped short.
“Yes?” Arthur cocked his head to the side. “What is the rest of that sentence?”
“You’re so cocky.” He tried to go for exasperation but couldn’t manage it.
“I think I have a reason to be.” Arthur sobered. “Except, I’d like to hear it…please.”
The “please” made Merlin almost swoon on the spot. Just one word, but said with such naked longing and anxiety. That Arthur felt safe enough to ask him for that filled him with more love than he knew what to do with.
That Arthur could forgive him for all the years of lies and secrecy, felt nothing short of miraculous. If he could, he would give Arthur the world on a platter. Since he couldn’t do that, he could do the next best thing and reciprocate Arthur’s bravery. It was time to be honest.
Merlin pressed closer to him. Clutching Arthur’s shirt, he brought his lips a whisper’s breath away. “You are the man I adore. You are the man I love and always will be. I want nothing more in this world than to be at your side for the rest of my life. So, to say it plainly…yes. I will marry you.”
He sealed his answer with the sweetest kiss.
It wasn’t just an answer to a proposal but a promise. To forever open his heart the way Arthur had just done. He would be brave. He would be open. He would be honest. It was everything Arthur deserved - and more.