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The first Halloween after high school is… rough.
The jubilee is an effort many months in the making. It is not the first Riverdale Autumn Festival but she - they - had hoped to make it something new; something kinder and more welcoming. But after the summer - well, Toni had not been as excited as she once was.
It was understandable. Cheryl picked up the slack with no complaints.
She hopes their efforts help and do no more harm.
In the early evening hours, while the sun is still slowly sinking and the wind is gentle and warm, she gathers her girls in their matching angel costumes for their evening out. Toni takes her seat on the passenger side and Midge slides into the back and slips Little Cookie into her car bed where she waves her fat little arms clumsily.
Midge's smile is bittersweet as she wraps her daughter's hand around her thumb.
"A candy floss vendor applied in the eleventh hour last week," Cheryl says to fill the quiet car as they pull down the driveway. "There'll be quite the spread."
Toni nods, reaching a hand across the bench seat to twist fingers in the thick, red fabric of Cheryl's coat. "Baby Teeth could have some of that," she notes.
"She hasn't had anything like that before." Cookie burbles as Midge kisses her little hand. "That'll be fun."
"And there'll be a candy apple vendor. And apple cider and roasted corn and roasted pumpkin seeds and roasted peanuts and pie and caramel popcorn!" Her desire to create a little excitement strikes her as overbearing as she finishes her list and so when silence follows in the immediate aftermath she buttons up, lips pressed tightly against each other.
Pressing her knuckles into her side, Toni throws her a lifeline. "Some hot cider sounds great, right now."
"We'll get you a mug posthaste," Cheryl says, holding onto it tightly.
"What about you, Midge? How's peanuts and popcorn sound to you?"
Behind her seat she can hear Midge sigh - not exasperated, but fortifying. "Sounds like the bee's knees."
They arrive at the border of the maples and town in short order, although it feels interminable to Cheryl as she wracks her brain for anything to say to lighten the heavy mood. Toni and Midge put on brave faces, but she knows their hearts still bruise and bleed and ache. Little Cookie is the only one that seems in high spirits as she babbles excitedly, eyes wide at all the new smells and sounds and sights.
As far as festivals go, she's quite proud of her work on this one - hours spent balancing books and scheduling and arguing with vendors and other volunteers and browbeating the mayor for this or that. The pumpkin vendor dresses as a witch and peddles her wares in character, amassing quite a gaggle of gogglers, and the face painting goes briskly enough that the lines are quite short. When Midge insists that Little Cookie get whiskers and Toni laughs as the paintbrush tickles the infant into a fit of grunting petulance, all the work feels well worth it for even so brief a respite. Afterwards Midge can't seem to help herself, settling Little Cookie on her lap and bouncing her as she gets matching whiskers.
"Everything looks really good," Toni observes, threading her arm through Cheryl's in a way that could be friendly if one didn't already know they were much more than friends. "What's the box for?" The curiosity in Toni's face is endearing and she tugs Cheryl gently towards the little room.
Cheryl could kiss her. Doesn't, of course - there is danger here, even in so genteel a setting - but the swelling adoration makes it difficult to resist.
"A bit of playful divination," she explains with the flourish of a carnival barker. "Inside is a mirror and legend says if you look into it you'll see the face of your great love." It's a soft sort of mysticism, but she remembers booths from her own childhood. Other girls emerged giggling and squealing at their fortunes; all she ever saw was her own face (or someone's very like it).
It had felt desperately lonely, at the time.
Toni hums, sizing up the handful of girls waiting in clutches. "Will you bring me some cider?"
"Of course I will," Cheryl says. "I'll be back in a jiffy."
It doesn't take long. She races back as quickly as she can, balancing the glass carefully to keep from spilling. With a wide smile Toni takes it from her and takes a deep drink before catching her hand. A trio of girls emerges from the little room and it's only then that Cheryl realizes there is no more line before them. Toni takes her hand and leads her inside and something in Cheryl trembles.
The room is draped in thick, smothering curtains of fabric and light, filmy scarves to hide the clapboard walls. Toni sets her glass on the tiny circular table that holds the cheap glass orb serving as a crystal ball.
"It's just superstition," Cheryl says and she thinks it's to convince herself more than Toni.
"We'll see."
Toni goes first, Cheryl standing off to the side of the mirror to be out of the way. She hems and haws, tipping her head one way or the other, theatrically leaning in to peer deeply into her reflection. The grin on her face is bewitching as she looks at Cheryl from the corner of her eye and winks. "Do you see anything?" Cheryl asks, curious.
"Mmm-hmm. Your turn."
Cheryl shakes her head, pinching one set of fingers between the other. "It's fine. Lets go get some pumpkin seeds."
But Toni doesn't take no for an answer, tugging Cheryl from the corner and under the soft spotlight around the central focus of the room. The post Cheryl took up doesn't remain empty for long as Toni takes her place, giving her an encouraging grin and a pointed gesture with her head towards the mirror.
She complies. She sees herself. She sees her perfect curls and her rouged cheeks. Her red lips and her red dress and her tiny red wings and her golden halo. She stares until her eyes unfocus, as if she's trying to view a hidden stereogram image. She stares until her eyes begin to water from the strain and then she feels arms around her waist. Toni holds her close, face pressed to her shoulders and her smiling eyes meeting Cheryl's in their reflection. "I don't know about you, but my future looks pretty cherry."
Cheryl laughs - a little weak, a little watery, though she doesn't really know why - and holds Toni's arms still wrapped around her. "Looks like a dream to me."
~~~~~
The house is a whirlwind of noise and movement and excitement - so many girls and women, old and new, in a home that is always open to them. And in the midst of it all is Cheryl in her kitchen; directing bodies, coordinating dishes, orchestrating her vision.
Click.
Her vision smells really good.
Trying to sneak in under Cheryl's nose would be a fool's errand so Toni contents herself with the charcuterie board and all its accouterments currently taking up half the dinner table, even with the leaves extended. It chafes her to not be helping, but Cheryl has already selected her helpers for the day and she wasn't one of them.
She knows she's not an amazing cook or whatever, but she can still peel potatoes.
Instead Maddie is peeling potatoes, her loud laughter echoing off the walls. Cheryl swears she loves all the strays that find their way to the little commune they call home equally, but Maddie's auburn hair bleaches red in the summer sun. Britta's forearms flex as she kneads dough, flour dulling her pigtails to a dusty pink.
Dale's little red head pokes out from the cloth wrap binding him tight to Cheryl's chest and she strokes the fuzzy down so gently.
Click.
The picture drops out of her early Christmas present - a brand new Polaroid - and she sets it to the left where she's cleared away bowls of nuts and dried cranberries. Slowly a spread builds of all the little moments she's captured today. She'll fill a whole album of this day if it's the last thing she does.
Taking photos feels so important now. She arranges and rearranges them to tell a story; a picture book for Dale, a fairytale for herself.
In thirty years, forty years, fifty years, this will be history. One day some bright-faced academic will try to piece together a past that nobody will be alive to remember. But she won't let these moments fade away. One day people will see this beautiful life that they have all built here.
A gift to the world - a model.
In the lintel Cheryl is framed, one hand cupping Dale's still-soft head.
Click.
She's caught.
Click.
Cheryl comes closer and stands in the impression of a doorway that divides the open plan kitchen from the dining room. Women rush behind her and around her, organizing enough food for an army. "Toni, you should be resting."
"I am resting," she protests, grabbing a handful of grapes and popping them into her mouth one by one. "You should be resting."
Cheryl rolls her eyes, already exasperated. "If you won't lay on the couch, at least use the recliner."
"Let me help," Toni bargains. "And I'll rest before the turkey's done."
The stern look Cheryl gives her is kind of hot.
Click.
Cheryl clucks her tongue. "There will be no negotiations," she insists firmly. "The doctor said you should rest, not be running yourself ragged."
"You should be on bedrest."
"We can't both be on bedrest."
"Yeah, you could," Britta chirps up. Toni gestures broadly to the young woman currently trying to hide her grin from Cheryl's annoyed gaze.
Click.
Hip cocked, Toni can see Cheryl gearing up for an indignant rant. "You already have responsibilities to worry about, Britannia! Don't over knead that bread!" Her gaze turns to Toni, finger raising to scold her. "And you, missy. Women have been having babies since time immemorial and survived just fine. You, on the other hand, nearly broke your back!"
An exaggeration, obviously. "Just fine" is not entirely accurate and her incident was only a bit of a fall; a bruised ass and a bump to the head. "I did not-"
"And for what!? You could have had one of the others up there pasting your protest art!"
One of the girls ferrying plates and dishes and silverware into the backyard stops to nod. "I'd have done it." More girls chorus their agreement.
"And risk one of you falling instead? Of course not. I'm fine." To prove the point she gets up - slowly, maybe, and with a small wince - and saunters over to Cheryl with barely any limp at all. "Give me Dale and go lay down, we can finish this."
This close she can see the bags under Cheryl's eyes. "He needs to eat," her wife hedges, hand wrapping under and around Dale's flank comfortingly.
Taking her other hand, Toni leads Cheryl away from the bustle in the kitchen and to the slightly less busy living room couch. It groans a little as she drops her weight into it and so does she as her ass and hips throb at the action. "Rest with me."
It takes no more enticement than that for Cheryl to slip onto the couch beside her, curling her legs underneath herself. Toni hands her a pillow and Cheryl settles it across both their laps before reaching to unwrap Dale from his cozy nest. "God, he's gorgeous," Toni breathes as he emerges, naked save for his cloth diaper, warm and slightly sweaty.
He is disappeared quickly under Cheryl's light, loose linen shirt and Cheryl kisses her jaw in apology. "You can take him after he eats," she offers. Hooking one finger into the wide neck of Cheryl's shirt, she peeks down to watch Dale's early dinner.
"Just stay here." Right now it's all she wants. Her camera lays forgotten on the dining room table in favor of this moment, right now. She cups Cheryl's cheek, pulling her close to press a kiss to her temple. She can feel Cheryl's cheeks tighten and round out with her happiness against her palm.
"I'm so thankful for you," Cheryl says.
"I love you, Cheryl."
They lean into each other, turn to each other, and Cheryl kisses her. Dale squirms between them, his legs reflexively bicycling when Cheryl's shirt tickles his bare skin. In one hand Toni grabs them, holds them, feels the strength in his fat little limbs.
Click.
"I love you, Cheryl!" Britta is grinning and laughing as she holds the Polaroid in one hand, the other waiting to catch the film and then shaking it in the air.
Toni scoffs, reaching a hand towards her. "You're going to fuck up the picture if you do that!"
She hasn't even finished her sentence before Maddie hollers. "I love you, Cheryl!"
And then all the other women in a cascade until Cheryl is smiling so wide against her mouth that their teeth are touching more than their lips.
"I love you all, very much."
~~~~~~~
"Buh buh buh! Jaime!"
The girl cringes, caught out with a wrapped present in her hands.
"I was just looking!"
"You look with your eyes, not your hands! Toni, do something about your child," Cheryl directs, waving a wooden spoon from the kitchen doorway.
Toni sets her e-reader on the arm of the couch. "They're always mine when they're acting up."
"Because I was a good child who never did anything wrong. This is clearly your influence."
The idea creates an explosion from Toni's throat, a laugh so big it chokes her for a moment. "Mom has been heavy into the eggnog already."
"You sound like a sitcom father."
Toni gasps in mock offense and Cheryl chuckles before disappearing back into the kitchen. "Mom is bullying me," she complains, looking down at where Jocelyn rests her head on her lap with her own book laying on her chest.
"Mom, stop bullying mom!" Jocelyn shouts and Toni covers her mouth with her hand, shushing and laughing at her. Joss squirms, giggling, before extending her tongue to smear wet spit over her mother's hand.
"Gross!" Toni yelps, wiping her palm on her shirt and then giving Joss's side a pinch.
Jaime shakes a box gently and the contents rattle loud enough to draw Toni's attention. "You heard what mom said."
"Just one? Please?" The girl drops the box into her lap and clutches her hands together as if in desperate prayer.
If it were solely up to her she'd probably let her have her fun, but Cheryl wants everyone over before presents are opened for family photos. And Cheryl will get what she wants because Cheryl bought dozens of presents the whole year, anytime she heard an idle wish. Because she wrapped dozens of Christmas gifts in wrapping paper specially chosen for each recipient. Because she bought three trees and decorated them all. Because she's strung every eave, every bannister, every window and door with twinkling lights and tinsel.
Because Christmas is Cheryl's favorite holiday and the best gift Toni can ever give her is making it the perfect occasion that Cheryl deserves.
"Why don't you go help mommy in the kitchen, baby? The cookies will probably be done soon."
"Jaz's already helping," Jaime grumps, flicking a gift tag back and forth.
Joss's finger taps her screen to change the page and Toni reaches down to stroke her hair, absently twisting a curl around her fingers. "Is there a new occupancy limit in our kitchen that I don't know about?"
The doorbell rings and Jaime nearly bolts for the door. "They're here!"
"Don't open that door before I get there," Toni reminds her, gently shifting Joss's unbothered head to the couch cushions and standing up.
"I'm ten, not two."
"And I'm your mother, not your dog. You do what I say, not the other way around." The way Jaime frowns, her jaw clenching until you can see it in her chin and her lips pressed thin… She looks like the spitting image of Cheryl and that serves to release the pressure building up in Toni's chest. Reaching out, she wraps one arm around Jaime's shoulders and pulls her into her side, giving her a gentle squeeze. "C'mere, baby. Let's get everyone inside so we can get started. We have to be good hosts."
"It's nobody special, just family." The complaining is just to complain, now - Jaime is as excited as they all are to have everyone together but she's convinced herself she's mad and she isn't ready to let it go yet.
"Cookies!" Cheryl rounds the corner at speed, shoving one nearly too hot treat into Toni's hands and another into Jaime's. The chocolate chips are uncomfortably molten still and they instantly melt puddles on their skin. "Why haven't you let them in!?" Cheryl asks as she pushes past them in the narrow hallway to open the door herself.
"Because you got chocolate all over my hands," Toni defends. Cheryl turns to her just long enough to shove the warm plate at her before speed walking to throw open the door.
Her arms are already spread wide for a hug before the door even finishes opening and Fangs stands there, bottle in hand, with Anthony at his side. Fangs nearly falls as Cheryl gives him a crushing hug before abruptly releasing him and trying to haul Anthony up like he was still a toddler. He towers over her already at fourteen but she holds him so tight he can't help but laugh and beg for mercy. "Mom, you're gonna kill me!"
"I missed you so much, my sweet baby," she cries dramatically, pressing kisses all over his face.
"It wasn't even a whole day!" The protest means nothing to Cheryl and all of them know it so Toni just gestures with her head down the hall and lets Anthony shuffle them all into the house as Cheryl showers him in affection. "I missed you too, mom. Can I have a cookie?"
"Of course!" Cheryl ushers them down the hallway and Toni hands off the plate to Fangs, letting him and Tony take their fill. "Don't fill up on dessert, dinner will be ready soon!" Cheryl throws behind her as she rounds the corner into the kitchen again.
Anthony looks up guiltily as he chews his mouthful of cookie. A warmth fills her chest and Toni pets his face, accidentally smearing a streak of chocolate on his cheek and licking her thumb to swipe it off again. He takes it with no complaint and she kisses his cheek after. "One is fine," she assures him. "Just don't let her catch you going for seconds."
"Me, on the other hand…" Fangs starts, reaching with both hands to grab more off the plate. "I'm a grown man and I can eat whatever I-" His words cut off with a yelp as Toni slaps his hands in quick succession, shocking him into dropping the treats. "Or not."
"Be a good example," Toni says with a meaningful look. Quietly, Anthony slumps his way past her to head into the kitchen and Toni squeezes his shoulder as he rubs past her in the narrow path.
"Fine, fine. Where are my girls?" As he says it his eyes light on Jaime and he opens his arms for her to throw herself against his waist. "Jay!"
"Hi, Fangs!"
She steps on his feet and he starts waddling, swaying them side to side with stiff legged steps. "Can you believe this? Only one cookie? It's like we're under the prison over here."
"I knoooooow."
Jabbing Jay in the ribs with her fingers until she squeals and twists and makes Fangs groan as she grinds her weight on his toes, Toni can't resist teasing. "I'll put you both in the "whine" cellar if that's what you really want."
"Dad puns! She's making dad puns! Stealing my only job!" The playful complaints make Jay giggle and Toni gives Fangs' cheek a kiss while giving the other a gentle slap.
"Face it, I'm just better."
Fangs nods agreeably. "True."
"Mama's just had a lot of practice being a dad," Jay assures Fangs and she doesn't see Fangs swallow once, hard.
But Toni does.
It's there and it's gone.
"Fangs was a good teacher," she says, trying to soften the blow.
But he shakes it off - he always does. "And the student becomes the master. C'mon Jay, let's see if your mom needs anything done in the kitchen."
Fangs barely clears the doorway before Cheryl is giving instructions. "Help Jaime with the place settings, please!"
"Hello to you, too."
The doorbell rings. Cheryl's voice follows her back down the hall.
"Hello, Fangs. Place settings! Dishes are on the counter, glasses are in the china cabinet. Use regular glasses for the girls' places, we don't need a repeat of last year."
"Yes, boss."
"It was an accident!"
"And if we have no accidents this year we'll try again next."
The doorknob twists and the door swings open.
"Merry Christmas," Britta cheers as she lets herself in, tugging her girlfriend in by the hand behind her. For a moment Toni panics - what was her name? Bethany? Brittany? No, not Brittany, she'd remember if Britta's girlfriend was named Brittany.
"Britta! Rebecca!" A towel is draped over Cheryl's shoulder and her hands are empty when she comes to greet their guests this time. It just serves to give her the opportunity to wrap both girls in what has to be an overpowering bear hug.
Rebecca is… extremely tall. Like, almost offensively tall from Toni's perspective. She has to lean steeply for Cheryl to reach her and she does so without an inkling of complaint, returning the hug with a wide smile.
Toni remembers really liking Rebecca last year.
With an insistent wave, Cheryl beckons her forward so that Toni can greet them as well. Britta almost lifts her off her feet and Rebecca gamely gives her a hug - a little stiff, a little uncomfortable, but Toni doesn't blame her for giving back what she's getting.
She finds herself a little gunshy after the last girlfriend Britta brought home.
Ever the hostess, Cheryl smoothes over any awkwardness with unapologetic excitement. "Come in, girls. There's a charcuterie board and wine in the dining room, dinner will be finished within the hour. We'll be opening gifts when everyone gets here. You can set them under the tree."
"Who are we waiting for?" Britta shrugs out of her heavy coat and patiently waits for Rebecca to shed hers as well before heading to hang them in the closet.
The floor is wet with melting snow from a train of boots. "The twins," Toni answers, heading for the linen closet to retrieve a towel.
"Hi, Rebecca," Joss calls distantly as Britta drops her girlfriend off in the living room.
When she returns with a towel Britta takes it from her. "I got it."
"You were always my favorite kid."
Soon enough the table is set, the food is finished, and the literal kids are losing their patience. Despite Toni, Fangs', and Britta's best efforts to keep them distracted even Joss is starting to get cranky. The TV plays an old claymation Christmas cartoon and only Anthony is watching it.
Jaz is posted at the front windows like a sentry and Toni is getting seriously concerned that their mood is going to turn so foul it'll ruin the holiday entirely. "Maybe we should let them open one or two," she says quietly into Cheryl's ear, sorry to see Cheryl's plan for the day begin to unravel.
"You're right," she says back softly. For a moment they pause and Toni tries to catch her eye.
"Are you ok?"
The nod is brisk and for a minute Toni doesn't believe it but then Cheryl gives her a sweet, wide smile. "Will you take a family portrait before they tear everything to pieces?"
"Picture time," Toni says to the room by way of reply. The girls snap to attention like she said the magic words, finally seeing an end to their torment.
It's a good photo, all things considered. Anthony sits between his sisters, each triplet holding his hand or his arm, and Britta sits next to Fangs on the couch behind them. Cheryl sits in her armchair like the queen of the castle and Toni sits perched on the arm of it, resting her hand on Cheryl's shoulder.
Rebecca did a respectable job. Better than the first shot where Toni was slightly blurry as she tried to make it to her spot before the too-short timer.
The twins turn up halfway through the presents in their matching university jackets and handknit scarves and with cheeks red from cold.
There are more pictures; less formal, more relaxed. Fangs putting together toys and "testing" them out. Joss and Dag playing with the new marble chess set. The full spread of dinner and Jay passed out on the couch after, drooling into the pillows. June and Britta competitively arm-wrestling and Cheryl cheering them both on in the background.
Cheryl amongst the wreckage, flattening wrapping paper on her lap for recycling while the kids crowd around the fireplace, toasting marshmallows.
Cheryl, in profile, looking at their family with a smile like the sun.
~~~~~~
It feels strange. She's grown used to freezing winters.
The bright sun and warm sand feels almost wrong.
"Is this what empty nesting feels like? I've been misled," Toni says beside her, sipping her beer.
The sunlight nearly blinds Cheryl as she stares out into the sea. "You miss them," she murmurs.
She misses them so much.
"Yeah, I do. But they're living their lives. They're grown."
She feels her lip quiver. "They're my babies."
A warm, comfortable hand reaches across the space between their beach chairs and she slips into the space that feels like home no matter where she is.
"They are. They always will be." Toni leans over, lifts her hand and kisses the back of it. "We did good. We don't need to hold their hands anymore."
"I want them back in the nest."
Toni laughs gently, running her thumb over her knuckles. "They have to leave it, Cheryl. Eventually it's just too small for them. They need to make their own. Maybe they come home. Maybe they don't." Their eyes meet and Toni gives her a lopsided smile. "They can come home. We're still here."
"Yes. We're still here. It's not empty at all, is it?"
"Doesn't feel like it to me."
A phone alarm goes off. It's midnight in Riverdale.
Toni sits up, tugging her to do the same. The kiss is gentle like the waves lapping the nearby shore.
"Another new year to spend with you." It's more than she could have ever dreamed of.
Toni smiles the most beautiful smile. "Just the rest of our lives to go."