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It started off inconsistently enough. An occasional tap on the steering wheel, quiet enough to be drowned out by the rain pelting down on the windshield in noisy splashes. Connor wrote it off as habitual, brought on by the boredom of being stuck in traffic. A quick glance in Oliver’s direction seemed enough to confirm his suspicion before he averted his eyes back to his tablet’s screen. He buried himself in notes filled with law jargon once more, refocusing his attention to his case materials.
Not more than five minutes passed before the occasional tap became a cadence, accentuated with an aggravated sigh and an eye roll toward the ceiling of the car. Amused by this display of impatience, Connor slipped his tablet into his bag, a grin threatening to form. He reached over and stilled Oliver’s hand.
“We’re going to be so late.” Oliver huffed, pulling his hand from underneath Connor’s.
Connor smirked, which earned him a glare and more steering wheel tapping. “Maybe you should have thought of that when you jumped into the shower with me this morning. You didn’t seem too concerned about punctuality then.” He tried his cocky arrogance to lighten the mood. It backfired.
“Maybe I’ll reconsider it in the future, whether we have a life changing meeting or not.” The words hung in the air, heavy with emotion. Oliver looked down, obviously avoiding the look Connor gave him.
Connor softened, this time taking Oliver’s hand into his own, brushing his thumb soothingly against it. The two had talked about their fears and nerves the night before, curled up in bed when sleep had evaded both of them. The conversation quelled Connor’s anxieties, but now, it was apparent that Oliver’s hadn’t disappeared quite so easily. With his free hand, he grabbed his cell phone and dialed a number. “Hello, Sara, it’s Connor Walsh.” He paused when she spoke. “No, no, we haven’t changed our minds. Of course, we haven’t. I’m calling because we’re running a bit late. There’s an accident on the interstate and it’s taking some time to clear up with the rain. But we are coming. Of course, we are.” A light squeeze of his hand made him look over at Oliver, who looked a little calmer. “See you soon. Goodbye.” Pressing the end button, he placed his cell phone into his jacket pocket before cupping Oliver’s face with both of his hands.
“I get it, Ollie. I do. But she isn’t going to suddenly deem us unworthy because we’re running fifteen minutes late. Everything is going to be okay.”
Oliver sighed softly and nodded. Connor understood his hesitance in taking his word for it. Their road had been long and winding with more obstacles than smooth sailing. Three years of waiting with various interviews had ended up in heartbreak that could no longer be soothed with a declaration of “it’ll happen next time” because every next time came and went without success. But this time, this time felt different. Maybe it stemmed from Connor’s sheer stubbornness to not accept another failed attempt, but what if it wasn’t? What if in a month’s time all of their dreams solidified as they cradled their baby daughter in their arms, cooing her name in gentle, tearful murmurs? He saw it all too clearly when he closed his eyes. It was merely an arm’s reach away from where they were, instead of the never-ending hallway it had been for years.
Oliver finally spoke up once they started moving again. His voice was pitched low as his focus never left the road. “I don’t know if I can stand another rejection, Connor. I want this more than anything, to have a family with you, but it’s resulted in more disappointment than I thought it would. I’m glad you’ve been able to find solace in the situation, but I can’t. Not until all the paperwork has been signed and there’s a baby sleeping in the room next to ours.”
Running a hand over his face, Connor slowly released a deep breath. “What’re you saying? Do you want to give up?” The thought made his chest ache unimaginably, making it harder to drag in another breath.
Despite the years he spent avoiding every domestic situation possible, Connor had always loved children. He regularly found the time to go home and spend time with Gemma’s kids, despite his busy life in Philadelphia. Being an uncle meant so entirely much to Connor, but being a Dad and raising his own children with Oliver? That was the dream. He wasn’t sure when the idea began to consume his thoughts, but once it did, it seemed like something they were meant to do. Giving up meant no cuddling up on a bed too tiny while reading bedtime stories. It meant no squeals of laughter while chasing after little ones who slipped past the awaiting towel after bath time and are now running naked through the hallways to avoid pajamas. It meant no finger paintings adorning every possible space on the refrigerator door. It meant far too many empty rooms in their house and quite possibly, an emptiness inside of him that would never be filled.
“Of course not. This is something that we both want, Connor. I haven’t suddenly stopped wanting children because of the difficulty that we’ve encountered. I just…” He sighed and shook his head. “This isn’t the right time for this conversation. We both know that. I know this is the closest we’ve ever come to adopting a baby. And we both need to stay positive for this meeting, despite any underlying, jaded feelings. So, we can’t have this conversation. We can’t go down this path. It isn’t going to help either of us, no matter how I’m feeling or you’re feeling. We just can’t.”
Connor opened his mouth to argue, but released a puff of air instead. “Okay, but we are having it eventually.”
“Of course.”
Connor spent the rest of the ride in quiet reflection, his eyes unfocused and unseeing as the scenery all passed in a blur. When they pulled up to the familiar building, he briefly closed his eyes, willing all of the negativity away. Behind his closed eyes, he saw the future he hoped for: the family trips to the park, the family holidays shared between his and Oliver’s families, the ‘I love yous’, the teenage angst, the smiles, and the tears. Good and bad, he craved all of it.
“Ready?” Oliver asked after a couple moments of stillness, breaking him from his mind.
Connor looked up, turning his head to face his husband. “Yes.”