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“All the things yet to come are the things that have passed
Like the holding of hands, like the breaking of glass
Like the bonfire that burns, that all words in the fight fell to,”
—
The loudest music Damien had ever heard bled from the overhead speakers as his nervous eyes danced over the rest of the guests. There weren’t many of them in the cast so the party was fairly small, but everything about the New Year’s celebration felt so overwhelmingly huge that it made Damien shrink into himself, curling over like he was a small child. He had been lingering by the closest corner to the exit of Nichelle’s penthouse for nearly the entire party, just watching people enjoy their lives as the looming excitement of the coming year began to seep into the air. Always being one to watch rather than have the time of his life, he simply nursed his drink and leaned comfortably against the wall.
There was a fleeting thought that kept him from sinking to the floor and passing out before the clock struck twelve, especially when he saw the many pairs dancing around the room. Damien wasn’t outgoing, or charming, or charismatic, and Damien sure as hell wasn’t getting a kiss tonight. Who would even agree to that? Priya was not-so-secretly hanging around Millie all night, always a smidge too close to just be platonic, and Wayne was too preoccupied with lovingly watching Nichelle drunkenly dance her heart away by the kitchen to give Damien a second thought. Everyone hung around their special someone, whether it be Bowie and Raj cuddling on the couch or MK and Julia bickering about who knows what.
It was safe to say Damien felt completely, wholeheartedly isolated in a party full of the most extroverted people he had ever met. It wasn’t like he needed to have a kiss, but glancing around the room, he felt like he was the only one who didn’t. Feeling like the odd one out wasn’t a new feeling for Damien. In fact, it was disgustingly familiar and made him want to curl up into a ball and die when he thought about his friendships—or lack thereof—when he was a child, how kids chuckled when he uttered some silly science fact or when he never had a buddy for their school field trips so he had to partner with the teacher. It was cruel, and it made him ashamed.
Damien felt shame for being touched but not held, for being seen but rarely heard, for being the one of the choices but seldom chosen, for being just fine but not great, for always loving but never being loved. He felt ashamed over something he knew he had no grasp over. It washed over his body like summer rain at night, when he sat on his porch and watched the droplets race down the fence like they were horses racing. No normal kids did that, not the ones who were captains of the sports team or who won awards for their achievements. That’s why Damien was here, hiding his face with a red solo cup as the wall enveloped his body, as small as it was. He could feel his foot tapping, palms becoming clammy, and god could someone turn down the music? He couldn’t hear himself over the dumb party music blasting in his ears (but maybe that was a good thing.)
“Hey, Dams!” A melodic voice pulled Damien out of his catastrophic thoughts as he jumped out of his skin. Zee had a cup too, but it was basically empty whereas his cup was filled to the brim. He still adorned his messy green hat, but for once, Zee let his hair down. It was a cascade of luscious midnight that flowed just past his hips, with fine strands flying out in different directions. Some slightly obscured his face, but not enough to where Damien couldn’t see him, thankfully. There was this anchoring sensation he got when Zee arrived, like his bubbling thoughts became suffocated in the presence of such a calming spirit.
“Hey, man! Uh, how’s the party?”
“Meh, I’ve been to better ones. I think Nichelle’s place is too fancy, I like chill parties like the ones in basements with people you’ve never met.” Zee said before slurping the last drops of his cup, splashes of orange across his lips. Of course he was drinking orange soda, what else did Zee consume? He had a crooked smile, Damien noted, and sometimes in the right light, it looked like he had dimples too. Zee had a pretty face, with long eyelashes and a warm stare that made him queasy at what other looks the teen could possibly conjure. Feeling himself flush, Damien dropped his head to look at his shoes, and Zee’s were close by, prosthetic shining in the bright lights surrounding them.
“Wait, what am I thinking?” Damien’s eyes went wide as he contemplated, squeezing his cup in the process. He had never thought of a close friend like this, let alone Zee .
Zee, the guy who never gave anything a second thought and lived life by winging it. Zee, the guy with new, extravagant stories about how he lost his leg with such creativity that Damien could never compare his mind to the others’. Zee, the guy who liked to listen more than talk, and soaked up every word Damien said like a sponge. Zee, the guy who always stumbled toward Damien first when they had to get into partners for a project. Zee, the guy who would choose him over anyone else in the room.
Huh.
The realisation of his… feelings was cut short by the expectant look on Zee’s face, wide eyes and pretty smile growing excitable by the second. He knew Zee liked their conversations, especially since they were the quickest to make up after the whole secrets thing. Growing fond of one another was one thing, but these feelings were much more of a hindrance than those stupid secrets ever were.
“Y-Yeah? I don’t like parties. Too loud, especially this one. Why did she need to play her playlist so loud if only sixteen people would show?” Damien could hear the jitters in his voice, and he prayed that Zee would pay no mind. Even with his scatterbrained nature, Zee was nothing if not observant. He had secrets on everyone just because he could watch them like an eagle, and it made his heart palpitate at the thought. Did he see the way Damien blushed when he spoke, or see how his eyes shifted across his face in pure admiration?
Well, if he didn’t, Damien was sure as hell not going to mention it.
“Dude, that’s so true! If I hosted a party, I would play music at like, 25% volume. That’s totally a considerate amount,” Zee’s eyes went wide in the way that always made a chuckle escape from Damien’s lips. The way Zee made the best faces at the best times made Damien so… fuzzy and it was so shocking that he had only come to realise it now. He thought the bubbling in his gut was normal when he looked at him, as if the sheer amount of pop the teen drank was suddenly transferred into his own stomach. “Are you okay? You look like you’re thinking way too much for a person who’s supposed to be having fun at a party.”
Of course Zee knew what was happening in his mind, when did he not? His eyes raced across his body and it felt like he was being swarmed by bees and Damien could feel his stare jolting through his veins. He had this iron grip on him, frozen in Zee’s very presence. “Should I feel embarrassed?” His mind raced as the teen began to lean closer to him, concern growing in his face.
“I, well, I just, um-“ Damien repeatedly tripped over his words as his face became more and more flushed, if that was even possible. The feeling of being seen in a room of people much bigger and brighter than him felt unusual, but as if a piece of him that was missing just got found and placed into his soul, fulfilling his entire being. Trying to shake himself out of his thoughts, Damien found it extremely hard to actually be present. “Uh, you’re right. I’m just caught up in all this and I can’t focus or anything.”
“What’s ‘all this?’ Like, the party or the people or is it me?- ”
“No, no, not you! It’s just so loud in here! I can’t even function because everything is… too distracting.”
“Why don’t we just go somewhere quieter? If I’m honest, you’re right. It’s not like there’s, uh, I dunno, hundreds of people here. Too much music, not enough pop! Not a pleasant party, bro.” Zee grinned, a wave of comfort crashing itself onto Damien’s soul, dousing him in this unfamiliar feeling. The loving yet joking tone in Zee’s voice pulled a grin on his face and he couldn’t help but feel at ease. The moment he started wandering toward one of the many large staircases in the estate, Damien followed like he was being sucked in with a tractor beam.
His feet moved before he could think and all of a sudden the music became dull and they were in some dark bedroom. It was beautiful, because who would expect less from Nichelle Ladonna? Zee was already sitting on the bed while he stayed paralyzed in place, simply watching, admiring. Whether that be admiring the room or the giddy teen in front of him was something he wouldn’t like to put too much thought into.
“Dude, if I ever became rich and famous, I would totally do something like this. You know, a house with enough space to fit everyone I like.” Zee’s eyes raced across every surface as a childishly large grin began to spread on his face. Seeing him happy made Damien gulp down a feeling he didn’t want to name, and made him realise how long he had been standing there. There was this thing about him that made Damien’s eyes go wide and the feeling ruminating in his stomach grew by a tenfold, and he never thought about it until now. Ask Zee a question and he would come up with an answer that would never cross your mind in a million years, and it made Damien wonder if he could dissect him from the inside out, if Zee would let him. Whenever he spoke, it made Damien inquisitive for the imaginative, so he could find out what was going on in that mind of his.
And maybe to find out what was making him feel this way, but he would never admit that.
“Who would you make space for first?” The question was leading, but unconsciously so. Damien desperately wanted Zee to say his name as he walked forwards, near the foot of the bed. He had eyes that liked to beg, a voice that reeked with longing, but Damien couldn’t help himself. He wanted confirmation that he wasn’t crazy, that his bumbling thoughts weren’t just his own delusions and that Zee was real, and really noticed him in the way he thought he was. When he took a seat, something about the other teen was contemplative, in an unusually abundant amount.
“…You, probably.” His voice was languid but Damien felt like he was going insane. The casual way he said it as if it was obviously going to be him made electricity run through him, shocking him with pure adrenaline. His fingers clutched the sheets and all he could do was turn his head and look at Zee. Long eyelashes fluttered as he started ahead and to the closet, slightly agape and filled with mounds of sparkly gowns.
“Why? I feel like there’s people who you’re closer with.” This was probably the worst response Damien could muster, but it was the only one he was willing to say. He could have said thanks with a fervent craving dripping from every word, but he didn’t. Damien yearned for more, something he couldn’t quite grasp but it never escaped him how languished he sounded now. It was as if he was clawing for an answer against someone who wouldn’t budge, but Zee would budge, just a little, just for him.
“You’re joking! I feel like you’re, like, the person I’m closest with ever, not just the cast. You’re so cool and smart, and if I made my huge house mansion with all my friends, your room would be right next to mine so I could talk to you all the time. You get me, man, like no one else ever has! It’s pretty awesome.”
Damien was at a loss for words, and a loss for breath as well. His hand clutched the blanket harder and his fingers began to pale, until Zee looked over. His eyes washed over his body until they landed on his shaking hand and he just… placed his own over it.
“Was that too much? Sorry, I’m just feelin’ all sentimental because of the new year and everything.” He let out a breathy chuckle as his fingers slowly began to interlock with Damien’s, his thumb rubbing against the others in an act of pure, unabashed love. He began to relax but thousands of thoughts still crossed his mind, the loudest one being the fact that he could get used to this.
“No, no! It’s uh… I like it, Zee.”
Muffled shouting began to seep underneath the door and Damien suddenly realised midnight was closer than ever. The others were counting down and all he could do was sit and wait for something he didn’t think would come. He could picture the couples getting ready to embrace one another, wrapping arms around shoulders and hands clutching around waists in a wholesome way to prepare for the coming year.
5…
Zee’s hand was warm, and Damien’s was cold. He could picture them walking in a park, hand in hand, balancing out the elements like they were the scale that balanced out the universe, the sun and the moon. Zee was bright and magnetic and Damien would follow him everywhere he went if he wanted him to. He was simply doomed to watch Zee burst with zeal, yet he was content with watching a mutual destruction. He wanted to see him grow blazing as he sat in his solitude, on the other side of the world.
4…
Sometime during their conversation, Zee had tucked his hair behind his ear, and he had a mole on his jawline. It was small, barely noticeable in the sleepy moonlight but Damien always noticed. He noticed the little habits he had and the glances they shared and the way both their smiles grew larger than life in the other’s presence. Zee liked to pick his nails until the polish he had on that week chipped off, and when he zoned out he twirled his loose hairs that escaped from his ponytail. In a room full of so many people, Damien would always look for Zee first. He just hoped he would do the same, if not now then days, months, years later.
3…
Zee looked nervous, for once. His brows were furrowed and he was biting his lip, which had already been chewed raw from the cold winter dryness. Whatever was on his mind escaped from Damien’s own as he shifted closer towards him, making his face burn with anticipation. He couldn’t even look in Zee’s eyes, tar black and sticky like soda. They were quiet, not screaming and excited like before, and it made something pounce in Damien’s gut. Something was wrong. Did he do something wrong? Was he too pushy, too desperate for answers that he pushed him away instead?
2…
Damien wasn’t always ridden with anxiety, filled with an inadequacy that he couldn’t shake. He was a good kid, with good grades and good behaviour. He never acted out and he liked to help other kids, so why, he wondered, did he turn out this way? Maybe it was the things that crossed his mind before, never being the best but not the worst, but there was something more. It was built into him, like how he always knew to breathe, he always knew he wasn’t good enough. Not enough for genius parents, not enough for his cool friends, and definitely not enough to win the biggest reality show. Zee didn’t make him feel like that, though. He made Damien feel like he was the best and the brightest in any room he was in, like he was the brightest star when he so obviously wasn’t. This feeling of finally being suitable for consumption was unusual, unnatural , but it was addicting. He didn’t want to lose it, and he held onto it with an iron grip because if he didn’t, it would flutter away and be placed onto someone else.
1…
Being special to somebody is rare, to Damien at least. To be a standout in a world full of people who are smarter, stronger, nicer… That would mean the world. That’s was Zee was, somebody so completely unique that Damien couldn’t even humour the thought of them being in a relationship. He could hope and dream and manifest, but in real life, Zee was a charismatic fan favourite with funny jokes and a pretty face, and Damien was just there, watching. He didn’t have defining traits, or a fanbase, or even an important plot line. He was just Damien, the guy who helped Priya win and the guy who Lauren loved to torment. Wasn’t that embarrassing? Just the accessory to some other person’s success story. He was always downtrodden at the thought but now, in this quiet room with nothing to stop him, he couldn’t help it. He was just—
Happy New Year!
Zee kissed him. He placed his hand softly on his cheek and kissed him, tender and quick. It was hardly a second and Zee pulled back quickly, a cheeky smile on his face and eyes closed. Damien was in awe and savoured the very moment for all it was worth. Zee had cushy, soft lips and a touch so warm he couldn’t melt into it.
“Uh, happy new year, Damien,” Zee said, barely above a whisper as he just stared, and Damien stared back. He wasn’t as unphased as normal, instead with a shaky voice and shocked eyes in a way he had never seen before. “Is this a good start? Sorry, it was like, totally a surprise! Maybe I should’ve warned you… or-“
Damien kissed him back. It wasn’t as quick or tender, but determined and passionate as he leaned against Zee, who’s shocked demeanour turned to one of relief. Damien shifted in his spot on the bed so his body was facing him, swiftly placing his arm on the other's waist in the process. It was thin but plushy, easy to squeeze which he did in an instant. He wanted to feel Zee, run his hands along his back and brush his fingers through his hair and everything so completely and ashamedly domestic.
He had only kissed someone once, in eighth grade in the auditorium after school. The boy was rough and mean with his kiss, intense to a degree that made bile rise in Damien’s throat, but it was all he had. He tugged at his hair and pulled at his shirt and that night was the first time Damien just sat in the shower and cried. This was different, strikingly so but he loved it. Zee was sweet like sugar and held onto him with a gentleness that could put him back together after being broken. The way his fingers lightly brushed against his cheek, curling into his bones in a manner that made Damien want to be wholeheartedly consumed by his being.
They separated but still held each other close. Zee was slightly panting with a little smile on his face, looking down at their hands, still clasped together. He moved his hand a little, only to toy with Damien’s earring but he still longed to melt into it again. He fiddled with the hem of Zee’s shirt to distract himself from the silence, because he didn’t want to break it, break this moment. Fortunately for him, Zee was always the more talkative of the pair.
“Wow. You’re awesome. Is that weird to say after we kiss..?”
“No, it’s um,” Damien found it hard to speak when so close to Zee. He was still fiddling with his earring and there was this raspiness in his voice that made his heart stop. Fuck, he was cute. “It’s cool. We are cool right? Like, good. That was good.”
“I just made out with you for five minutes, Dams. I think we’re way more than good,” He chuckled a little, airy and light as he keened at Damien’s touch. He didn’t realise he was massaging where his hand wrapped around Zee’s waist until he felt him shiver, immediately letting go as if he would shatter if he touched any longer. Swiftly, the other reaches down to stop his hand from moving, before looking him in the eye. “Woah, I didn’t say stop. It was nice, man.”
“Sorry! Sorry, I’m just nervous. I’ve never, like, done this right.”
“Hey, it’s okay! We can like, help each other cuz’ I haven’t either.” Just as before, Zee was completely chill, anchoring Damien so he didn’t make himself go completely insane over something that was supposed to be great. Taking a deep breath, he took in the moment. Zee was still smiling like it was his resting face, looking down at the hand on his waist and biting his grin away. The moonlight shone on his face and he looked angelic, beautifully sacred with stark shadows and shiny eyes. It was perfect, and Damien wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Should we go back? I think it’s quieter now,” He glanced towards the door quickly, before turning back to see Zee looking up at him, eyes wide and disappointed. “ Or we can stay. Up to you.”
“Nah, you’re right. Maybe the party’ll be better now that it’s actually the new year.” Zee sighed, pulling Damien up but keeping their hands clenched together. Would people notice? Damien didn’t know if he was ready for that. Zee was holding his hand with a tight grip as they suddenly stopped, door right in front of them.
“Are you sure you’re good?”
“Yeah, dude, I was making sure you were.” Zee giggled, leaning a little against Damien as he went to grab the doorknob. Then, it shook. It twisted and turned and the door burst open before they could even step out.
Axel and Emma were entangled in each other's arms, the former's hand on the doorknob while the latter squeaked in excitement. They nearly tumbled into one another as they tried to enter the room, and the pair immediately froze up.
“Uh…”
“For fucks sake, don’t tell anyone. I’m talking to you, Zee.” Axel groaned, brushing some of her wild hair out of her face as the other pair just stood bewildered. Emma was giggling into the other girl's shoulder, reeking of champagne and cocktails as she looked at Damien and Zee, laughing even harder. He tried to hold in his chuckle but failed miserably, causing Zee to crumble in the chain reaction while his melodic laughter filled the room. Axel just scoffed, grabbing both their shoulders and shoving them out of the room as they continued to laugh.
“Holy shit!” Damien cackled, doubling over and holding Zee’s arm for stability. They couldn’t stop laughing, the whole world felt dizzy and all he could do was clutch onto Zee for support as they tumbled into a wall.
“Axel and Emma… That’s crazier than you and me!” Zee said as he leaned down over, towering over Damien, whose back was against the wall as he tried to catch his breath. His hand slipped and landed on Zee’s waist as he quickly looked up, twisting his fingers in his shirt and pulling him down.
“Zee, I… Just kiss me, please.”
“Why? So we can show everyone that we’re the newest, best couple?”
“Haha. Just come here.” Damien smiled as he pulled him down, letting his fingers get tangled in the ends of his hair as he felt his weight being pushed against the wall.
If this is what being wanted felt like, Damien could get used to it.