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Izan was less than surprised by the familiar flash of red hair that caught the outskirts of his vision. If he was going to find Max anywhere, of course it would have been here.
Taking a shaky breath in, Izan gathered the shreds of courage and the sea of desperation before stepping out of his car. Max had yet to notice him, or at least hadn’t shown as much that they did. Potentially for the best, if his performance the other day had shown any precedent. Having Max run away again was the last thing Izan wanted nor needed.
As he approached Max, sitting on the sidewalk behind a grungy small-town gas station, Izan tried to force his breath to solidify and steady. It refused to listen to him, instead feeling like a storm at sea. His heart pounded, the thunder adding to the rest of the internal storm. Finally, Max looked up, and Izan froze in place. They were only a few paces away from one another, both solid in place.
After a moment of a heavy pause, Max spoke, asking a simple, “How?”
Izan scoffed, willing his expression to harden into something that did not show the shower of tears wishing to make themselves known. “Where else would you have gone?”
Max looked away fidgeting tensely with one of the few braided cords around their wrist.
Forcing himself to take a shaky breath in, Izan continued. “What was your plan?”
Max shrugged.
“Really? So you, what, you left for nothing, with no plan?” Izan rubbed his eyes with his palms. “I can’t believe you.”
“It was for the best.”
Izan stepped towards them, hands clenching, forcing his nails into his palms. “‘For the best’? For what best, Max? For yours? Because I can fucking promise you it wasn’t for mine, and it sure as hell doesn’t seem like you’re living your best now that you’re just sitting here at a shithole of a gas station.”
Max flinched, still refusing to meet Izan’s eyes. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Izan exhaled, letting the tension in his arms and hands loosen enough to breathe. He shook his head, looking towards the mix of grass and mud further behind the building.
“The truth would be nice.”
Finally looking up, Max bit the inside of their cheek as he noticed the state Izan was in. They looked down again, knees curling up to their chest.
“This is exactly what I wanted to avoid,” Max said quietly. “I can’t keep being a burden on you. I didn’t want to keep messing things up.”
“And I didn’t want to be left,” Izan replied, voice barely more than a haunted whisper, as if the thought had escaped on its own.
Max flinched, wrapping his arms around himself. “I’m sorry.”
Izan shook his head, crossing his arms. His hands gripped the sleeves of his shirt like a lifeline.
“Are you?” he asked, the thought and words surprising himself even as they were said.
“I never-” Max started, tightening the hold of their arms around his knees. “I never wanted to hurt you. I thought- I thought leaving would free you.”
“I never asked to be free.”
“I know.”
Izan shook his head, clenching his jaw as the first tears threatened to drop. “You don’t know, Max,” he said sharply. “I never- I just- I wanted to be free with you. Without you? It’s not- I can’t do this alone. I never wanted to do this alone. I thought you understood; that- that you would be the one person to understand that.”
Max was silent, resting his head on their knees. His gaze stayed trained on the ground below him.
Izan sighed, easing himself down to sit on the edge of the sidewalk still a few paces from Max.
“Did I do something?” Izan asked, voice small and wavering. “Because if I did- If I did, I want you to tell me. I want to fix it; I just need you to tell me.”
Shaking his head, Max replied quickly, “No, no, Izan, you- you’ve been perfect. You didn’t- I just-” they cut himself off with a sigh. “I’m scared of you getting tired of me.”
“Have I ever said or even implied I was ever or would ever be tired of you?”
“No, never. Never, but it could happen.” Max squeezed his arms around his knees closer. “I can’t handle losing you too.”
Izan sat still for a moment, begging with himself to be able to understand. “So your best decision was to leave first?”
“I know it doesn't make sense; I know it’s stupid. I don’t know how to explain it. I just- I thought it would hurt both of us less.”
“You’re right,” Izan started. Max whipped his head around towards him in confusion.
“You’re right; It is stupid," Izan continued. “I can’t even tell you how ridiculous it is that you thought that leaving out of nowhere would be the best option for either of us.”
Max looked back down, biting the inside of his cheek.
Sighing, Izan leaned back on the sidewalk, his hands resting against the pavement. He looked up at the sky. The dark clouds looking down at the two seemed to nod in agreement to the storm between him and Max.
“I’m sorry,” Max murmured, pulling at the blue and gray braided cord around his wrist.
Izan looked over at him for a moment before looking back up. He didn’t reply, not verbally. Thoughts flew around him like a quarrel of birds as though they were not merely in his mind but instead part of the very air he breathed. He looked past them into the churning storm clouds, ignoring the cast of reflections threatening to suffocate him.
“It’s going to rain soon,” he said at last.
Max nodded mutely. They looked over to Izan, a silent question hanging between them. If Izan noticed, he said nothing and merely continued to gaze upward.
Max let out a short breath and looked back down. His own flock of thoughts surrounded him, pecking incessantly at their temple, begging him to take heed and do something. What to do, however, they were divided on. The majority called to run, to grab their bag and leave before it was too late, but something in Max refused, as though he had been rooted to the pavement. A quieter call sat behind him, just present enough to be noticed.
“Are you going back to the hotel?” Max asked, glancing over to Izan.
Izan shrugged. “Depends on whether I’ll be having my current roommate joining me or not,” he said, meeting Max’s eyes.
Max, in turn, looked back down. “Do you want them to?” he asked softly, barely loud enough to be considered an audible question.
Izan sighed, pushing himself off of the ground. He dusted off his jeans before extending a hand to his companion. Max met his gaze, eyebrows furrowed as he hesitantly took it, joining Izan standing.
“I don’t really want to have a big conversation in the middle of the rain, especially not when we have a perfectly good warm hotel room waiting,” Izan said with a small casual smile which looked more out of place than any smile Max had seen on his typically honest face thus far.
Passing glances with the pavement, Max grabbed his bag and nodded, following Izan wordlessly.