Work Text:
The first several texts, Illumi chalks up to a wrong number situation.
“Hey, gorgeous. What does it take to make you smile?”
“So. Perfect cozy date set up. Go.”
“Do you have an Instagram? My mom always told me to follow my dreams.”
Illumi responds with, “Wrong number,” to all of them, blocks the numbers to be on the safe side, and then moves on with his life.
As time goes by and he gets increasingly more texts from random numbers he begins to suspect foul play. Did one of his brothers or work colleagues give out his number as a prank? Did someone get a new phone one digit off his? Why on earth is he getting all of these text messages?!
When the pick-up lines shift tone to the more personal, he begins to worry their security has been hacked, a feat which should be impossible but perhaps Mil had missed something in the last update. However, when Illumi goes to question Milluki, Mil always shuts him down right away, claiming he’s busy with upgrades and jobs from Father and Grandfather. Illumi has no choice but to wait and see if the upgrades fix the problem.
He waits, patiently, for a week, but when he still receives texts like:
“I want to say you look as beautiful as a Greek god, but from what I can remember from history class, they were all pretty crazy. …I like crazy.”
“Damn you have a huge dog! Does that mean I’ll never win the ‘best cuddler ever’ title?”
and, “I’d say you’re the bomb, but that could turn into a lethal conversation…although you seem more like the type to stab me. What do you prefer more, knives or throwing stars?” he decides to try cornering Killua to get to Mil. Killua evades Illumi successfully for several days until finally, finally, Illumi has him pinned (literally) on the floor after a bout.
Illumi walks over and watches Killua struggle to fight against the nen-reinforced pins for a few minutes, before asking, “How long?”
Killua stills. “What?”
“How long does it take Milluki to upgrade our security system?”
Killua blinks in confusion and then rolls his eyes. “I don’t know! Why don’t you ask him?”
Illumi would never do something so childish as pout but if pressed he would admit that that was his current expression. “I have tried,” Illumi says, relaxing his nen so that his brother can free himself, “but for some reason he keeps avoiding me.”
Killua stands and brushes the dirt off his shorts then asks, “Why do you want to know? Usually, you just let Milluki do his own thing.”
Illumi doesn’t say anything for a long, drawn out minute and Killua nearly walks away, but then he pulls out his cellphone and tosses it to Killua. “Look.”
Killua sees Illumi’s chat history and nearly chokes, eyes wide with surprise. “100 unread texts?!”
Illumi nods and his long hair falls forward into his face as he reaches to take back his phone. “I suspect we have a security leak. How else would so many strangers get ahold of my number? Besides the obvious, I am concerned over the number of unsolicited texts I am getting as it is impacting my work. I’m having to spend hours sifting through numbers to see if any are from clients, reducing my efficiency. It’s quite annoying.”
Killua seems to be holding back laughter, which Illumi does not appreciate, even if he understands the situation might seem funny to his younger brother. He revises his assumption about a security leak and once again wonders if maybe his brother isn’t behind the influx in texts. Or perhaps brothers, he muses as he considers Mil’s recent evasion and reticence to be in the same room as him for long periods of time.
Killua makes his escape in short order with a hastily thrown together excuse, further cementing the suspicion in Illumi’s mind that his brothers are playing a joke on him. It hurts that they would use his lack of a love life against him, but turnabout is fair play; he can easily tease Mil about his anime girls and Kil about his hopeless crush on Gon. Besides, it has been a long time since they’ve felt comfortable enough to target him for one of their pranks, so even though it stings, Illumi decides to be happy that they’ve taken the initiative and want to play with him again.
So he puts up with more flirtatious and forward texts and bides his time, wondering when the situation will cease when one day, a month from when the texts first started, he gets a message from Hisoka as he’s lying on his bed trying to plan his revenge prank on his brothers.
“So…was there something you wanted to tell me?”
“? I’m afraid I don’t follow,” Illumi replies and goes back to brainstorming.
Then his phone chimes again and he reads, “Since when have you been on Tinder?”
Illumi stares at his phone, uncomprehending. “What?” he texts back.
“The dating app? You have a profile.”
“…what,” Illumi replies, knowing full well that there can only be one explanation even as he hopes he’s mistaken. Killua. Milluki.
“You know,” and Illumi can just hear Hisoka laughing as he types, his eyes glittering with amusement, lips curling in a smirk, “if you wanted to go out on a date, all you had to do was ask, babe.”
Illumi blushes in embarrassment and shame before slamming his phone down on his bed. Alright, that’s enough, he thinks before rising to hunt down his brothers. When he finally finds them, they’re huddled over Milluki’s phone, arguing over what photos to choose for Illumi’s dating profile, the screen showing a bunch of photos they must have taken in secret over the years. There’s one with him and Mike, several of him training, one of him with his siblings at their yearly picnic, and even one taken immediately after an assassination, where he is gazing soullessly into the camera, his right hand stained with blood, his pins in his left. Blissfully unaware of the danger lurking behind them, his brothers decide on two more photos to add to the profile and then hit update. The screen chimes, noting the selected photos had been added and then goes back to Illumi’s profile. It reads:
Illumi Zoldyck, 24
Professional Assassin, Licensed Hunter
Location unavailable
Oldest of five. If you mess with my siblings I will kill you.
Likes: Competency, strength, power. Someone who can keep up with me.
Dislikes: Wasting time, frivolity, inane questions. People who disrespect me.
The icing on the cake, which makes Illumi pause in utter disbelief, is the main profile picture sitting above his description. In it he sits on a marbled step, one knee drawn into his chest, head cocked coyly at the camera, a slip of a smile on his lips, with his long, luxurious looking, black hair draped artfully over his knee. Illumi’s not sure if he should be impressed or appalled. He’s never seen the photo after all, doesn’t remember it being taken, and has never sat like that in his life. The photo then, must be not be a photo at all but rather the result of hours spent painstakingly editing a composite of hundreds of other pictures in photoshop.
Overcoming his initial shock, Illumi decides to make his presence known with a clearing of his throat. Immediately, Killua and Milluki whip around, eyes wide and guilty and full of fear in anticipation of Illumi’s wrath. Illumi just stares at them, doing his best to seem unimpressed and disapproving; by their subsequent winces he thinks he’s succeeded.
“And what do you two think you’re doing?” he asks, voice soft.
Killua flinches and Illumi realizes too late that his embarrassment has been manifested as killing intent. Sighing, he reels his aura back in and crosses his arms over his chest as Milluki warily side-eyes him.
“Could you at least explain why?” he finally asks when neither answer, their eyes firmly focused on the ground.
“Illumi,” Milluki starts before Killua cuts him off with a blurted, “Because you deserve better than being strung along by Hisoka!”
Milluki groans and puts his head in his hands as Illumi stares in shock.
“…Killua?“ Illumi asks in confusion and no little concern. “Have you hit your head? There’s nothing between Hisoka and I.”
This time Killua groans and Milluki is the one to reply. “That’s precisely why we made the profile, brother! It’s obvious you like him, and have for a really long time now, but you guys are still not dating. We had to do something!”
Illumi tries to wrap his mind around Milluki’s words and finally asks, helplessly, “Why didn’t you just ask me? Why create a profile?”
“Because we didn’t think you’d do anything about it!” cries Killua in exasperation, nearly throwing his hands up but thinking better of it at the last minute. “You guys have been in a holding pattern for years now and we figured maybe you didn’t even realize. And if Hisoka’s wasn’t going to ask you out then we decided we needed to find people who would. We don’t want you to waste your life pining after someone who won’t return your affections. A bastard like that is no match for our big brother,” Killua says huffily, crossing his arms over his chest only to blush a second later when he realizes the extent of what he’s said.
Milluki rolls his eyes at Killua and then looks at Illumi, eyes serious. “We know you don’t like wasting your time brother. We would have screened the numbers before they texted you if we could but this idiot,” here he pokes Killua in the ribs eliciting a squeak of surprise, “jumped the gun and posted, swiping left and right without realizing what he was doing, before I had the software implemented. I’ve been trying to damage control since, even as Killua has been trying to trawl through profiles to find you people he thought might meet your standards. We’re both,” here he nudges Killua with his elbow and Killua nods vigorously even as he tries to get back at Milluki, “sorry for the disruption it has caused you with work. It was never our intention to bog you down with text messages.”
At the end of his little speech both Milluki and Killua bow contritely in apology. Fondness for his brothers wells up in Illumi’s chest even as exasperation and irritation war with it. “…it’s…fine,” he eventually says, turning to return to his room, “I forgive you. Just…please delete the account. While your efforts and intentions were… well-meaning, they were ultimately unnecessary. Hisoka and I are dating…have been dating for a while now.” Leaving Killua and Milluki to gape behind him, Illumi returned to his room and texted Hisoka back.
“Mystery solved. How long have you known for?”
“…a week.”
Illumi rolls his eyes at the response and takes his time responding. When he finally sends the message off it reads, “Then you owe me a week’s worth of expensive dates, darling. And remember, no cheating. I want a full week of dates, Hiso. The complete works. Flowers and dinners and lavish outings. All of it. You could have put me out of my misery sooner and you didn’t, you bastard. Pay up.”
Because really, after hearing your boyfriend complain for a month about all the random texts he was getting, how it was impacting his work performance, how he was stressing over a potential security breach, only to then find out that you knew the reason why before he did and you didn’t tell him? When you had lots of opportunities to do so? Well, anyone would be mad, now wouldn’t they?
Illumi smiles when he sees Hisoka’s reply, the laughing emoji followed by hearts and pleading hands, but doesn’t bother responding. Two minutes later, Hisoka sends screenshots of a dinner reservation for two the following day at the new Turkish restaurant in town with the caption, “Will this do for date #1? It’s the best I can do on short notice.”
Illumi grins, loves the message, and then returns to his previously abandoned revenge planning. Hmm, he muses, eyes alight with a dark mischief, maybe I should pay a visit to Gon…see if I can play matchmaker for a little while. As for Milluki, Illumi will have to brainstorm further. Perhaps, Hisoka might have some ideas…ooh, that might make a fun date. Playing matchmaker and watching the chaos unfold.
Downstairs, Killua and Milluki feel chills run up their spines. They wisely agree to delete Illumi’s account immediately and to stay out of his love life from now on. Clearly, he was fine and they shouldn’t have worried about him in the first place. Now, if only they can avoid the fallout…