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There is no disguise that can long hide love where there is one, nor pretend it where there is none.
...(François de la Rochefoucauld)...
........
In the Enterprise's peaceful Medbay, the gentle hum of the ship's engines creates a soothing atmosphere. Leonard McCoy and Nurse Christine Chapel take advantage of this serene interlude for a much-needed break. Both, immersed in the serenity of their surroundings, enjoy a cup of hot coffee, each immersed in their own reflections.
Christine, with a pensive gaze, observes McCoy, who seems absorbed in his coffee cup, as if the enigmas of the cosmos were unfolding in it. He hesitates for a moment, but finally decides to speak.
"Leonard, there's something I need to tell you," she breaks the silence in a trembling voice.
McCoy, surprised, looks up from his cup, questioning, "What is it, Christine?"
She takes a breath. Her cheeks is flushing a deep red with emotion, "I...I think I've fallen in love with you, Leonard. Your kindness, intelligence and the deep respect I've developed for you have led me to this feeling."
Surprise flashes across McCoy's face, his hazel eyes widening at the unexpected confession. He takes a moment to process his thoughts, aware that it's not every day that one of your closest friends and co-workers declares her feelings to you in such a direct way.
His heart beats with acceleration, and a feeling of subtle vertigo takes hold of his being. With measured steps, he approaches his desk chair and gently places the coffee cup he was holding. He chooses to sit down, clears his voice and looks up at the ceiling, evidencing his bewilderment. He picks up a PADD resting on the table, not fully understanding why he is doing so, perhaps seeking an anchor to reality. He looks at the PADD again, not noticing that it is turned off. Puzzled, he mutters something about the damn technology and is silent for a moment.
"Aw! Your words touch me deeply and I value our friendship greatly! But I must be honest with you... I cannot reciprocate your feelings in the same way," he confesses sincerely.
Christine's countenance darkens, but she manages to hold back the tears. She is a woman of great strength, and she had already contemplated the possibility of not being reciprocated. "I understand. I'm sorry if I caused any discomfort."
"No, it's not that at all. You're an extraordinary person, Christine. Anyone would consider themselves lucky to be by your side," Leonard replies, his lips curving into a lopsided grimace, a gesture denoting his desire not to hurt Christine. He couldn't bear the thought of causing someone pain. He has experienced on past occasions being on the opposite side, when his own feelings were not reciprocated. It is a narrative as old as humanity itself. With all the confidence in the world, he is ready to share this reflection with his friend:
"I mean, I don't want to hurt you. I wish to be honest with you, not to play with your emotions. I hope I could protect you from all this. But you know that sincerity has been our rule between us since we have known each other. Don't hate me for telling you this! I love and respect you, but in a different way than you would wish. "It's simply that... I've developed feelings for another person... or more precisely, two people."
Christine raises an eyebrow, straining to exhibit a semblance of intrigue, though intuitively she already senses the answer. "Who are they?" she probes with a mixture of curiosity and caution. "Come on, Len! I'm not a young girl waiting for my prince charming anymore. I'm strong and realistic. I lost my naivety a long time ago!"
Leonard sighs, wishing for greater simplicity in his world. Yet everything around him seems to be leaning toward complexity beyond his ability to intervene. The galaxies, made up of thousands of planets, and these, in turn, harboring millions of different life forms, present an immense and unfathomable range of possible mates. In addition, he resides and works on a starship inhabited by more than four hundred living beings. Why, out of so many possibilities to fall in love and surely much simpler, has he chosen this one?
McCoy hesitates momentarily, clenching his fist unconsciously, taking a deep breath before continuing, "I have fallen in love with both Jim and Spock. However, I have never found the courage to reveal it to them!" His words spill out torrentially, unrestrainedly escaping his control. They constitute a confession that has remained hidden in some recess of his mind, previously unarticulated to anyone.
Christine, for her part, struggles to pull herself together. She knows she will have time to shed tears in the solitude of her room. She has awared of the risk in expressing her feelings, but she felt the compelling need to do so. She senses a contraction in her stomach, an emotional shock caused by the rejection.
The nurse directs a look full of understanding and empathy toward McCoy: "Len, love is a complex and tangled entity. I fully understand how you feel. However, repressing these feelings inside you will only result in prolonged and deep damage."
"I really am a fool, aren't I? Out of countless possibilities and probabilities, I end up falling in love with those two. There's no logic to it at all!" McCoy muses with a mixture of amazement and frustration.
Chapel settles into McCoy's sofa, and an involuntary chuckle escapes his lips. "Right now, you sound exactly like Spock, Leonard," he comments with a gentle smile. He crosses his hands over his lap, thus hiding the slight tremor caused by the earlier tension.
McCoy responds with an exasperated look and emits a grunt. "Don't ever mention that to him!" he warns him, semi-seriously.
The CMO exhales deeply, feeling caught in the middle of an emotional maelstrom. "I know you're right, Christine. But it terrifies me to think how they might react," he confesses, sitting down next to his friend and confidante on the sofa.
Christine, with characteristic gentleness, rests her hand on McCoy's shoulder, "You'll never know unless you take a chance, Leonard. It's possible his answers will surprise you!"
McCoy flashes a coy smile, grateful for her support, "Thank you, Christine. I'll consider it."
She smiles back, feeling a renewed sense of companionship and mutual support, "That's all I ask of you. And remember, whatever the outcome, I will always be here for you, as your unconditional friend."
McCoy and Christine concluded their coffee break and resumed their work, both feeling somewhat relieved after having shared their most intimate secrets. Although the future looked uncertain, at least they could be assured of each other's support and understanding.
*********
In the days that followed, McCoy finds himself reflecting more and more on Christine's advice. He can't help but cast longing glances at Kirk and Spock, but his apprehension continues to hold him back.
One night, after finishing their respective shifts, McCoy and Christine are off duty and meet in the ship's lounge. They enjoy a quiet drink together, chatting about recent missions and the adventures of the crew. Despite the jovial tone of the talk, McCoy's thoughts are invariably drawn to Kirk and Spock.
Perhaps it is because both Leonard and Chapel are generous and unconventional beings that has allowed his friendship, to not only be maintained but strengthened, even after Christine's revelation.
Christine notices the self-absorbed look in McCoy's eyes and gently nudges him. "Hey, have you given any more thought to what we talked about?"
McCoy takes a sip of his drink and exhales a sigh laden with bitterness. "I've thought about it, but I lack the courage to speak up - what if it ends our friendship?"
She offers him a comforting smile. "Leonard, sometimes it's necessary to take risks. If you keep silent, you'll always be left wondering what might have been."
At that precise moment, just as McCoy was about to reply, the doors to the lounge open and Kirk along with Spock make their entrance. The two officers make their way to the bar, conversing in a low, sympathetic tone of voice.
Chris, observant, nudges McCoy again. "Look, there they are, why don't you take this opportunity to talk to them?"
McCoy hesitates, his mind weighing the whirlwind of consequences such a conversation could trigger. There are certain dilemmas that the heart of a veteran field medic handles with difficulty. Disturbing the delicate balance between Jim, Spock and himself could result in unpleasant outcomes. Perhaps the prudent thing to do would be to take refuge in his own Medbay until this whirlwind of emotions subsides. Unfortunately, he knows that Jim and Spock, concerned, would come looking for him to inquire about his state of mind.
Ultimately, McCoy is filled with courage. Despite his insecurities in these situations, he also possesses an innate fearlessness in many other ways. A carefully considered impulse leads him to leap out of his seat with a bound, while standing unsteadily on his heels. "All right, I'll do it," he says to himself with determination.
Taking a deep breath, Leonard almost choking on his own breath. Nervousness is evident in his sullen gesture. He advances with a firm and contradictorily hesitant step at the same time; stumbling over a chair that he abruptly pushes out of his way, but not before letting out a curse directed at the inappropriate furniture. While he approaches, both Jim and Spock become aware of his presence. Jim greets him with a warm, welcoming smile, while Spock gives him a slight nod of recognition.
"Hey, Bones! Want to join us? Ummm! But watch out for the furniture!" Jim jokes.
"Actually, Jim, Spock, there's something important I need to discuss with both of you," McCoy replies, his tone more serious than usual.
Kirk and Spock exchange curious glances before nodding affirmatively. Together, the trio find a quiet corner of the room and sit down together.
The doctor chooses to start the conversation by addressing medical issues. However, Spock arches his eyebrow on several occasions, clearly sensing that his friend's uneasiness has a different origin than merely discussing clinical cases of the crew.
Meanwhile, Jim settles back in his chair, offering Leonard some of his warmest, most charming smiles, listening intently. Bones talks incessantly, jumping from one topic to another with no apparent connection, his eyes wide and expressing himself with great vehemence.
Gradually, the dining room begins to empty, and the atmosphere becomes more serene and relaxed.
The captain, after rubbing his mouth and blinking several times, decides to put an end to his friend's rambling. "Bones, it is evident that something is troubling or disturbing you. Both Spock and I would like to understand what it is that is affecting you," he says with a mixture of concern and sincerity.
At that moment, McCoy's face petrifies, revealing the depth of his anxiety.
Jim places his hand on McCoy's shoulder, gently caressing him. With a seamless transition, Kirk drops his role as captain to adopt that of a warm and caring friend, a skill that has always impressed the CMO.
"In fact, your obvious nervousness suggests that you are facing a matter of great importance. I would be honored if you would allow me to listen to you and offer my assistance," Spock comments, in his characteristic tone that becomes almost a whisper as he finishes his words.
Leonard rolls his eyes, running his hand through his thick hair, feeling as if he is about to jump off a bottomless cliff. "It's not easy for me to say this, but... I have feelings for both of you. I've kept this a secret for a long time and I didn't want it to affect our friendship. But I couldn't keep it hidden any longer."
Jim's blue gaze seems to want to penetrate McCoy's mind. A moment of silence ensues before Kirk begins to speak:
"Bones, I deeply appreciate your honesty. You are a dear friend and I care deeply for you." The captain, fearing for a moment that his surprise will cause him to slip from his chair and fall to the floor, manages to maintain his composure and remains upright in his seat, keeping his dignity intact. Wouldn't it be ridiculous if Starfleet's youngest and golden captain ended up sprawled on the floor?
Spock nods his head in approval. "Doctor McCoy, your honesty is commendable," the Vulcan comments. Although his face remains unchanged, a careful observer might notice a slight tremble on his lips.
He smiles, feeling a great sense of relief. "Thank you both. This means a lot to me!" His mouth is so dry it looks as if it's stuffed with absorbent cotton.
Now that his feelings have been revealed, McCoy feels more comfortable again with Kirk and Spock. Unable to help himself, he wonders if there is any chance that his feelings will be reciprocated. He is prepared to face the abyss of a rejection; if it must happen, he prefers it to be quick and blunt.
Taking a deep breath, McCoy pluck up the courage to ask directly, "Jim, Spock, I need to know.... Is there any possibility that either of you might harbor similar feelings for me? He hesitates for a thousandth of a second and exclaims loudly: Damn it, do you both love me?"
Kirk and Spock look at each other briefly before Kirk turned to McCoy with a faint smile. "Bones, I must admit that I have always admired your fervor and commitment, and have come to care deeply about you. I think I would be willing to explore these feelings more deeply. I mean,.... I love you!... We are considering a unique dynamic between the three of us. My bond with Spock is deep. I can no longer consider it merely as a simple friendship."
The vulcan maintaining his usual stoicism, interjected, "As for you, Jim, I have long found it challenging to maintain my composure in your presence. I intensely desire to share with you both physical and emotional proximity. Although I tend to keep my emotions balanced, Dr. McCoy, I must confess that I have come to hold you in high regard. I am willing to explore the possibility of a more intimate relationship."
"Spock, it's been a while.... I've been completely disoriented! I have watched you on numerous occasions with desire and flirted with you, but in the face of your apparent indifference, I no longer knew how to act," The blond young man expresses with a mixture of frustration and venting. Jim's blue eyes sparkle like those of an abandoned puppy.
"Jim, the way I feel about you is unmistakable. You are my T'hyl'a, my friend. My only longing is to share my life with you," Spock declared with unusual sincerity.
The CMO, surprised by what he hears, feels his heart racing, immersed in a whirlwind of emotions. Suddenly overwhelmed by the intensity of the moment, his first instinct is to flee the situation. He abruptly rises from the table and runs out of the cafeteria without another word. Jim and Spock exchange worried glances before getting up and following McCoy. They find him in the hallway, leaning against the wall, trying to catch his breath.
"Bones, are you all right?" He asks, full of concern. "Booooones!"
"Dr. McCoy, we didn't mean to cause you distress," Spock adds with concern.
McCoy takes a deep breath, straining to regain his composure. "I'm fine, kid, I'm sorry, it's just... I never expected any of you to feel the same way, let alone that between you there would be something similar. I didn't know how to process it!"
Kirk, with a calming gesture, places his hand on McCoy's shoulder. "We understand this is a lot to digest. It's not necessary to resolve everything right now. We can move forward bit by bit. Even I...need time to assimilate your words and Spock's. They have shaken me in a way I have rarely experienced!" Jim's usually rosy lips had paled in surprise again.
"Indeed, it is wise to explore these emotions and determine which path would be the most logical and appropriate for all of us."
McCoy, flashing a faint smile, replies, "Spock, on this occasion, I will refrain from making any sarcastic comments about your logic!"
Together, the three return to their respective quarters. McCoy walks along feeling a mixture of hope and excitement, though he does not let go of his sense of uncertainty. But with Jim and Spock by his side, McCoy knows that together they can face whatever challenges lie ahead.
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