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You can forget who you laughed with but not who you cried at.
- Khalil Gibran
o o o o o
From his vantage point on the bridge in the morning, McCoy has been watching closely. The bond between them is undeniable: they make an exceptional couple! Last night, his friends informed him of the beginning of their relationship, which for the moment does not have a name to describe it.
Finally, they have transcended these exchanges of glances charged with insatiable desire, choosing to accept and acknowledge their true feelings. It was Jim, in particular, who gave Spock looks that bordered on the voracious, while Spock looked at Jim with the delicacy with which one admires a priceless gift wrapped in a piece of the finest silk.
Leonard experiences a whirlwind of emotions: joy for his friends and a sense of detachment. This veteran field medic, who has always maintained a deep care for them, takes solace in the thought that Spock and Jim will continue to care for each other as they have done so far if he is not part of their lives in the future. The thought of requesting a transfer to another destination crosses his mind; he considers that a starbase might offer him an ideal refuge. However, he quickly dismisses such a thought. The prospect of becoming a bitter old man with an excessive predilection for alcohol does not appeal to him in the least. He decides to stay with his friends, committing himself to witness the evolution of their relationship, while remaining discreet in his observation. He is aware that he cannot abandon them; they are both like magnets for danger and adversity. Without indulging in vanity, McCoy recognizes their indispensable medical skill. It would be irresponsible to leave his friends in less capable hands, although he is well aware that Starfleet does not hire amateurs and that its medical equipment is of the highest quality.
Loneliness is his greatest fear: feeling isolated despite being surrounded by a whole crew. The reflection of his own aging in the mirror, accompanied only by his increasingly melancholy thoughts, disturbs him. He sets his glass of bourbon down on the table, aware that alcohol only deepens his melancholy. With a deliberate gesture, he pushes the glass away, leaving a damp trail on the surface. After wiping his parched lips, he picks up the glass and, in a fit of frustration, throws it against the wall of his room, where it shatters. Through this act, he finds an ephemeral sense of control, if only over an inanimate object. His heart, like glass, is shattered.
Despite his inebriated state, McCoy is unable to dampen his feelings. The drink, far from being an anesthetic today, only intensifies a stomach-twisting nausea.
The effluvia of the drink gradually plunges him into a state of helplessness, fueling a deep desire to be embraced and comforted. In this moment of vulnerability, he perceives himself as pathetic. With an attempt to get up, his coordination fails and, stumbling over his own feet, he ends up collapsing on his bed. He has become an expert at crying silently; tears slide down his cheeks with no sound to accompany them. He lies on his stomach, feeling an oppression that seems to suffocate him. In a restless movement, he rolls over in a fetal position, extending his hand in a desperate gesture of searching towards the emptiness.
"Jim!" he exclaims suddenly, his voice piercing the silence, echoing back an echo of loneliness. A new wave of nausea assaults him as he wipes his tears with the back of his hand. He clings to the sheets, tangling himself in them in a fruitless struggle to find solace. James Kirk will never belong to him.
Leonard has always felt a strangeness as he navigates his own universe aboard the ship. As if he were a stranger in his own land, he never manages to feel completely part of it, a feeling that, ironically, makes him similar to the Vulcan. Spock, with its bearing and aloofness, evokes the image of a galaxy lost in the vastness of space, beautiful and enigmatic. Spock will never be his.
The dream finally overcomes him.
