Archive of Our Own ^beta

You thought you were great at thinking things through. Before Changing into Isabeau, you were great at overthinking them, even! But once Siffrin shows up at the Clocktower, everything seems to happen too quickly for your brain to catch up.

One moment, Odile is suggesting you all go to the house without Sif, and you get why she's thinking about it, but you can't. But you look at Mira and realize how badly Sif hurt her this afternoon, and. If half the team can't trust Siffrin. Odile's right, isn't she? It's not going to work. Unless you figure out what's wrong with Siffrin and help them fix it so they can apologize--

(Maybe you should still be mad at Siffrin too. They didn't say anything that wasn't true, though, and in a weird way it was ...kind of flattering how well Sif had you pegged? Like, Siffrin obviously paid you a lot of attention. Maybe, if they weren't having the wildest case of post-nap crabs in history, there would have been some nice things said too.)

Then Siffrin shows up, and he's still acting weird, with that miserable fake smile. Then he's mad because he overheard you all talking about leaving him behind, saying you're all going to get yourselves killed. Then he starts talking about time loops, and your brain catches on the realization that oh, no wonder he could nap even the day before you're going to fight the King, he's sick. He's got to be. It's the worst possible timing and they should have told someone before it got this bad, but it's not like they could help the timing and, well, for as easygoing as Siffrin is (most of the time), they have the most stubborn independent streak of anyone you've seen, self-reliant to the occasional fault. You think it's usually a positive. He bounced back from losing an eye better than anyone else expected. But he's hidden being sick once before, when he was the last to get it and Mira was anxious to resume traveling once everyone else had gotten better, of course he'd hide it when tomorrow is the big day. Oh Change if it's contagious, because this time he seems to be the first one sick. You're all fighting the King tomorrow and one of your group is ranting about time loops. Also that you all hate him, which, no??? Where did he get that? (...Probably the same place as the time loops.)

But then you try to catch Odile's eye and pause. You expected pure exasperation, and it's definitely scrawled across her face, but she's also peering at Siffrin in consideration, and you remember what she said about a book Siffrin shouldn't have known about.

And then Siffrin slips off the counter and you stand because the way you see it there are two options: either they're very sick, or time loops are actually a thing and that's kind of something everyone needs to know about. Either way, they shouldn't just be running out on you!

"Sif. You need to sit down, and explain EVERYTHING about what you just said." You have to be firm so Sif understands how serious this is. Whatever's going on, he needs to explain so everyone else can help.

But maybe you should have thought more about using that tone, because Sif's breath hitches and his face, already so pale besides the dark bag under his eye, seems to lose shade entirely. Then there's barely-chewed samosa on both your shoes, which convinces you. He's sick. Change, if it's contagious, please let everyone get sick the day after tomorrow. You can be as miserable as you want then. Tomorrow, you need everyone.

"Okay, okay, uh," you blurt. Your brain is still trying to figure out what to actually say. It's also fighting both your hands and the urge to check how high a fever Sif's running right now, because you've just realized they're shaking. "Sif, can you just--sit down, I'll clean this, you need to rest--SIF--"

He dodges to your left, ducking around you. You whirl around and grab him, vainly reach for an arm and grasping only cloak fabric, because he needs to stop and calm down--

Normally, you know better than to grab anyone. Especially Sif.

They whirl on their feet with their face twisted in a snarl, one gloved hand reaching up to shove you away with a flat palm--

The scent of stationery reaches your nose, and though Siffrin snatches his hand back, Paper Craft pushes you off-balance, stumbling back until your back hits the counter. Siffrin's good eye widens with horror. You can hear chairs sliding back as both Mirabelle and Odile recognize the Craft sign as well, though Bonnie only sounds confused. Of course they're confused. Siffrin didn't even touch you, and he doesn't know Paper Craft.

Even if they did, they wouldn't use it on you. It didn't hit hard, you think, but maybe you're just too shocked to feel it yet. You stand there, dazed and dumb, until you feel healing Craft being used on you, soothing the ache in your backside.

It's not Mirabelle healing you.

It's Siffrin, his head lowered but his voice just loud enough for you to make out the mumbled words before he sits down, right there in the middle of the kitchen floor. Not moving. Breathing too loud, but so are you.

Since when do they know healing Craft, either?

"Isabeau," Odile says, her voice tightly controlled. "Take Boniface and get the cleaning supplies from the closet, please."

Right. Right, smart, something is very wrong and you need to keep Bonbon safe until you've got a handle on this, so you gesture for Bonnie to come with you and tell them not now when they protest because they're just as confused as you feel, ushering them out of the makeshift kitchen area, and it's not until you're at the supply closet and Bonnie asks if you're okay that you realize Odile wasn't sending only Bonnie out of the room.

Deep breaths, Isabeau. Like Siffrin does!

Change, what is even going on?

"Did Frin...actually hurt you?" Bonnie asks, looking uneasy. "Nille would have totally flipped you if you grabbed her like that. But they used Craft, didn't they?"

Nille--right, their sister. They don't talk about her much, but they mentioned her to you once. "...They got me, a little, but not too bad," you say slowly, trying to think it through without keeping Bonnie waiting too long. "And obviously they didn't mean to, since they healed me right away!"

And you realize, as you say it, that you really do believe that. The smell of Paper Craft was too strong compared to what actually hit you. You saw Siffrin pull his hand back right before the hit instead of doing a proper follow-through. You tried to grab him without thinking. He reacted without thinking and tried to stop as soon as his brain caught up.

And that's terrifying, because that means they used Craft that's not even their natural type on reflex, because their hand was already moving into a close enough shape. You've known for a while they hate being touched. It wasn't anywhere near that bad before.

What

in the world

is happening?

You feel a tug on your stomach. You feel a tug on your stomach. You picture a hook piercing your stomach and pulling it along like the fish you haven't caught in some dozens of loops and you feel a tug on your stomach

but all it does is make you feel queasy again. You don't loop.

You can feel Mirabelle and Odile staring at you even with your head bowed, trying vainly to hide yourself away. You hurt Isabeau. You hurt Isabeau. No one touches you because you're broken, because you're disgusting, and you've just proven them right (again, again, again).

Bravo, Siffrin!

One of them is talking but none of the words are registering, you just want to loop back, start again, and it's not working.

Loop was such a liar. They accused you once of acting like a director, restarting scenes as soon as you didn't like where they were going and, and, it's true that sometimes you looped back when you were upset! But you never controlled it. You're an actor, not a director.

Because if you could control it, you would never have watched Bonnie--

You try imagining the smell of burnt sugar. You try grabbing at your front with your hand and clenching through fabric with your gloved fingers to simulate the tug.

"Siffrin!"

No. Getting upset doesn't work anymore. It was never quite that easy, but now it doesn't work even when your family--even when the other actors hate you, does it? If it did, you should have looped back four times already.

But you didn't! Because now you know!

Even if they hate you, you're all trapped, together forever~!

You can still force a reset with your dagger. It's right at your hip. You don't want to repeat this blinding day a single time more, but surely you can't do any worse than this? Wouldn't a reset be better than this wreck of a play?

...

Mirabelle would try to heal you even now. It's messy and a pain. Do it later. For now...for now, just breathe.

Breathe.

The air is sickly and sweet, yet you're not looping.

"Siffrin," Mirabelle calls your name again. She's. Upset. You don't want to look at her and see the anger in her face again. "Siffrin, you...why are you acting this way? Explain! You HAVE to explain! Isabeau...!"

You

Don't have a good explanation. You'd wanted food. You could have taken it quietly and left, probably, but noooo, that'd be too smart. You'd told them about the loops because you'd wanted. You'd wanted to hurt them. That's all. They were so mad, so upset you'd mangled your lines, you wanted to see how well they continued the play when they were told they were trapped forever and ever.

You're disgusting. And now you've hurt Isabeau. "Sorry."

"That doesn't explain anything! Yes, you should be sorry, but that's not an explanation!"

"Siffrin." Odile's voice is just as flat as it was after you flung her mother's disappearance in her face. As if you can claim anyone loves you. "You need to explain a number of things. Start with this story about time loops."

You were never planning on explaining it, and it seems pointless to try when you're planning to reset.

"You knew about that little girl having a familytale. You knew I wanted to read one. You said a few things that would require...either you dug up information on my background, or I told you them, when I have no recollection of doing so. If I haven't completely misjudged your character, it would be the latter. Because I told you in a time loop? Was it in that clearing, perhaps?"

You shrug. It doesn't matter, even if it's surprising that she's entertaining it.

"What did I tell you, Siffrin?"

You raise your head, glancing to see that Mirabelle is still there; most of her attention is on you, but she occasionally takes a break from looking cross to glance at Odile. "It was pretty personal," you mention. Does Odile really want you spilling her secrets in front of Mirabelle?

Apparently so, because she raises one eyebrow archly, folding her arms as she stares down at you. "Oh. So now you want to be delicate?" Her tone is scornful, because she remembers just as well as you what was said only hours ago. "There may be topics I don't particularly care to discuss, but anything I would tell you can be said in front of Mirabelle. And right now, nothing is more important than what we need to do tomorrow. If Time Craft is real, if time loops are real, prove it. What did I tell you?"

You hesitate. It's not worth an explanation, but you don't think Odile will let you go without one. Not with that look on her face. You've seen it once before.

"Or maybe you are juvenile enough to be playing such a drawn-out joke at such a critical time. Is this when you say I told you, but you just don't remember?"

No. Of course you remember, it's been beaten into your brain. If she wants it laid out, then fine. "You told me you wanted to read a familytale because you're half-Vaugardian, on your mother's side. When you were still in Ka Bue, a merchant from Vaugarde told you about familytales and showed you hers and it made you cry because you felt like your mother stole it from you." Odile's eyes widen, but you're not done. You know the blinding lines. The only good thing about the loops is that you remember. Even if that's a curse at times, too. "You came to Vaugarde to learn more about it, but you still don't feel any connection to it. You don't recognize yourself here. Isn't that strange? Half of you should be from here, shouldn't it? Shouldn't you see yourself here, in the place your mother came from? Shouldn't it be like looking in a mirror? Like a revelation? Shouldn't you see how Vaugardians act and think and be able to say 'Ah! So this is why I'm like this!'? Shouldn't you be able to call this place yours? But you can't." You take a breath. In, out. "...That should be enough, right?"

Odile's skin has lost a shade. "That's enough," she agrees. "Siffrin, what..." She stares at you for a long moment, like you're something alien, something she's struggling to understand. Your skin crawls. "What's happened, that you're looping in time?"

"What's happened, that you're looping in time?"

Your stomach lurches, and for a second you think you're finally going to loop back.

She's going to figure it out and then they'll hate you they'll scream and curse you they'll--

--but it's NOT YOUR FAULT.

"No one in this blinding country knows how to wish," you say, because it's their fault, not yours. But they didn't mean to trap you, and you can see from Mirabelle's expression she doesn't like your tone, so you try to soften it. "The--Favor Tree. Everyone started wishing for the King's defeat, but Vaugardians don't know proper rituals for Wish Craft."

"I don't know what Wish Craft is," Mirabelle says, frowning, "but asking the Favor Tree for favors is simple. You just clap your hands and make your request."

"That doesn't tell the wish where to go, it doesn't connect any of your energy to the wish, it's not a proper ritual. Wish Craft is using rituals to make the Universe more likely to grant your wish."

You expect Odile to interject at this point, scoff at the idea of Wish Craft, since, after all, she asked the Favor Tree to make her win a coin flip as an experiment. And you remember her laughing at some point when you were figuring out all of Vaugarde had wished wrong, something about the absurdity of all those wishes that might have gone to waste. If she were able to observe your loops, she'd probably ridicule how many mistakes you'd made, too.

She doesn't say anything for the moment. Her face studiously neutral, she waits for you to continue. Your skin itches, and you look down.

You just. Have to say what they need to hear so they'll go with you to the House. It'd be so much easier with a script but there is no script for this. So you fumble to find the way to explain. It'll probably go wrong, you'll probably have to loop, but--but you just don't want to blinding loop anymore. So you try. "So you have a country's fill on intent, and all wrong rituals. And intent matters, but ritual is more important. The wish was granted, but--"

You cut yourself off as you hear movement to your left, your head snapping to bring it into sight. Isabeau startles in the doorway, and your stomach drops. "Um." He looks to Odile. "Bonnie's in bed--don't know if they'll stay there, but I told them we need time to talk as adults. M'dame, are we, uh...?"

He doesn't quite finish the question, but Odile only cants her head before responding. "Siffrin is explaining Wish Craft." If she finds it ludicrous, her tone doesn't let on.

Tell him you're sorry again.

Sorry won't fix anything.

"I'll clean--" You start getting up to take the cleaning supplies from him as he steps into the kitchen, but he gestures for you to get back, and you immediately comply, your fingers shriveling back from reaching. You've already hurt him enough.

"I'll handle it, Sif. What's this Wish Craft stuff?"

You draw back, folding your arms and hunching in on yourself as Isabeau starts cleaning your mess. The sour smell of the cleaning solution--you think you would've hated it once, but it's the only smell that even slightly cuts the overwhelming smell of sugar. You focus on that as you try to organize your thoughts. "The Head Housemaiden knows about Wish Craft, too. She made a list of everyone in Dormont who wished to save Vaugarde, and after we beat the King, she's unfrozen. But she says that the wish is broken. Something's going wrong, so, I loop back to when I woke up. But, but!" you add quickly, before anyone can panic. "I think I figured it out! Because Mira always finishes off the King, but I'm the one the wish focused on. So--I just need to deal the last blow this time, and the wish will be fulfilled, a-and, that's it. We've won."

It can't be that you're trapped forever. It just can't.

"The Head Housemaiden?" Mirabelle asks. "You've seen her?" Her hands are clasped tightly in front of her, almost shaking.

"I've seen her," you say, "I'm not joking or anything, Mira. She's--really tall, she's got about two feet on Isa, and bright hair like mine but wavy like clouds and long. She's frozen right now but she's fine, we see her right after we beat the King."

Mirabelle blinks three times, very quickly, and takes in an uneven breath. Three more fast blinks and--she's crying! You've said the wrong thing! Again! Is she going to slap you again? This is why you need a script you always mess things up--but maybe she'll still go to the House with you if you just let her slap you, so you hold your breath and keep yourself in place.

"You okay, Mira?" Isabeau asks her as he finishes cleaning up, turning on the sink to wash his hands. "If we need to take a break..."

"No, no." Mirabelle smiles through the tears. "I feel like I should be asking you that. It's...this whole situation is strange, but if Euphrasie is really okay...she's going to be okay...!" She keeps crying. It's weird she can turn on the waterworks when she's happy and you can't do it even when you're frustrated, but the important thing is she's not angry. "Anyway, I don't care who defeats the King so long as he's defeated! So, so I'll make sure to let you do it, Siffrin. If that's what it takes."

You weren't really concerned about that--you're sure you'll get the final blow if you stop holding back. But it's nice that Mirabelle's willing to cooperate.

"I still have some questions," Odile says, and you bite back a sigh because of course she does. "You've been looping in time. What was this afternoon about? Why not just tell us then? What was the point of showing me the familytale today? You could have waited to show me until the loop was broken."

"Because it makes you happy, and then you learn a useful skill." You hate the answer as soon as it leaves your mouth. You don't want to lie, but maybe that's too honest. Just tell them you're manipulative, why don't you?

Well, you are. That's why you showed her the familytale.

"Oh, huh." Isabeau sounds pensive. "Yeah, I've heard emotional clarity is good for figuring out new techniques. ...You were trying to teach Bonnie something, too, weren't you? But putting yourself in danger really wasn't a good way to do it, Sif. That was, uh, about the worst thing you could have done with them."

You roll your eye. "It always worked before, and I wasn't in any danger." The worst case scenario was that you'd need to loop, and it'd be really pathetic if such a weak Sadness caused that.

"Thaaaat's not how it sounded." Isabeau leans against the sink, folding his arms. "Wait, you were doing that with all of us! We were supposed to go stargazing? And, uh..." He looks over at Mirabelle, who huffs, seeming to have calmed down from her tears enough to manage indignation.

"I don't know how I would get any 'emotional clarity' from that--"

"I said it wrong! I meant--"

"No, stop! I want to figure it out myself," Mirabelle insists, puffing her cheeks out at you, so--fine. She doesn't need to know that skill anyway, her regular shield will do just fine--

You still haven't reminded her of the CARROT method. Stars, everything about this loop is a mess. "Okay, but you do need to learn how to make a shield. So, remember the CARROT method, and figure it out."

Everyone looks baffled by various degrees, but that's fine. Mirabelle always looks confused when you hint it to her at the start of a loop anyway. "You know the CARROT method?" Isabeau asks.

"No, but she does, and it helps her figure out how to make shields when she knows to put the two together."

"What happens if I don't figure it out?" Mirabelle asks.

Well if she's going to ask for worst-case scenarios-- "King kills us."

...Oh, that was definitely a too-honest answer. Mirabelle's eyes go round as saucers, one hand flying to her mouth, and even Odile looks alarmed next to her. "...Sif," Isabeau says slowly. "Have we, uh...have we actually died?"

You look aside. "He finishes me off first and then I loop back, so, I don't think so?" Not as long as there's only one timeline getting reset, which you have to believe. You can't stomach the kinds of situations you've left the others in if they stayed after you were gone. Or the number of them. "It hasn't happened for a while, anyway. We don't lose anymore."

"You've died." Isabeau doesn't seem to take any relief from the clarification.

"And then I loop back, and I'm fine!" You sweep your hand in front of yourself, from the brim of your hat to just below your hips, and smile at him. "See?"

His eyebrows stay hovering far above where they normally would rest. You keep smiling at him, fighting not to bare your teeth.

"Sif--"

"Stars, Isa, am I bleeding?" you snap. Why can't he just believe you? "Do you see some gaping wound I've missed? Looping resets everything! I'm not hurt! I'm fine!" You turn to Odile. "Why would I tell everyone I'm looping in time if people are going to get hung up on stupid things like this?"

Odile looks so disappointed with you. "Do you really think you're fine, Siffrin?"

You. Laugh. "Seriously, you'll all believe me about time loops, but not how I'm doing?" You keep smiling, smiling, smiling, feeling the anger flood your body. Your face feels hot. There's a ringing sound in your ears. You don't want to open up about your blinding feelings. You'd rather open your throat. What's a feelings talk going to help? It doesn't get the King killed any faster. All it'd do is make the others happy to have only a day left with the mess you are.

You brace yourself for Odile to keep pushing, holding yourself within your cloak. You can't lash out again.

But instead she...sighs, looking aside. "It's getting late, and I'm too old for this. I've one more question for you, Siffrin, and then I'd like to get some sleep for tomorrow. It's about the time loops."

...She's letting it go? That's not like her at all--but Odile is logical, and being trapped in a time loop is more important than stupid feelings, so maybe it is. "What is it?" you ask, eager to change the topic.

"You said we've lost to the King, but also that we don't lose anymore. You seem...very confident about fighting him. And you've obviously picked up some new Craft techniques. How long have you been looping?"

...This isn't much better as a topic. "Hm? Do you mean in days? The loops aren't always the same length, so it's a bit hard to tell..." Also, you realized a while ago that figuring out the length would probably break your brain. Assuming there's anything still intact!

"The number of loops, then."

Oh, you know the number.

You know she's not going to like the number.

"Siffrin?" Mirabelle hesitantly speaks up, her eyes searching your face. "We know you might not remember the exact number, but...you could estimate, right?"

Ohhhh, right, you're an idiot who's not expected to remember half the things they're told. That works great here! "Hold on, I can figure it out," you say, stalling by counting out on your fingers while trying to figure out what a good answer is, one that won't make them fuss endlessly about stupid deaths that never happened now. You've already said you've won against the King a few times, and also that you've lost to him. With all the dead ends in the House they'll probably realize you hit some of them? A good answer, a good answer... You start over on your hands, because you think it's got to be at least double digits to cover what you've told them and how much Odile and Isabeau are likely to snoop. "Eleven, twelve, thirteen--"

"Uh?" Isabeau mutters quietly, and if you weren't a dedicated performer you might have ruined your act by giggling. Thirteen! Thirteen loops is too many for Isabeau! And you got to twenty before thinking to worry if that might be too many.

Well, Isabeau's smart. He probably would have gotten out of the loops before twenty, huh? You must be taking longer because you're stupid. But if he thinks thirteen is too many, you should stop before he really freaks out.

"--Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen," you finish, dropping your hands and making a show of looking thoughtful. "I'm pretty sure it's been sixteen? And we've gotten to the end of our journey a few times! But then time. Just loops back to this afternoon."

"...Ah," Odile says, and her breath catches on that in a way that you know, even as she nods to acknowledge what you've told her, that sixteen loops is too many for her too. "That's...you've been in the House sixteen times? Fighting Sadnesses?"

"Yeah." And more loops than that, but she wouldn't like that~!

"That's...b-but...that's so much! That's so many times to fight!" Mirabelle says.

"I guess it is!" you say brightly, because really, what else can you say about it? What is she expecting you to say? You're the one suffering these blinding loops.

They all look taken aback. Surely, surely, with sixteen tries, you should have gotten it right, fulfilled the wish, gotten out? Good thing you didn't tell them the real number. "Have a good night," you say. "I'll see you all at the House in the morning."  And hopefully by then they'll be over this.

Isabeau startles. "Wait, what? You're not sleeping in the Clocktower with us?"

You wrinkle your nose. "I haven't been able to sleep in bed for loops?  I doubt the floor's going to be any better." Obviously Isabeau isn't going to share the bed with you after what you did--or he wouldn't want to, and the thought of him feeling obligated to out of pity or whatever makes your skin crawl. You're the one who should get kicked to the floor. Anyway, you haven't been able to sleep for loops unless you're frozen, so it's not a big deal. It might actually be nice, not having to pretend you're sleeping! "I'll just go stargazing." You head out into the hall, briefly stopping where you all stored your orbs to retrieve yours.

Whatever pride you might have felt in obtaining it is gone. You don't remember how you got it anymore. The only reason you know which one's yours is because of the number of times you've held it to open the House. Your only attachment to it is that you need to make sure the others don't go in the House without you. They really would just get themselves killed.

They've already done it once.

"Sif--"

Isabeau's voice follows you out as you leave the Clocktower. He doesn't follow you himself, though.

Good.

You start believing Siffrin about the time loops when he describes Euphrasie. You know, you know he could have gotten a description of her from the villagers--as Head Housemaiden, she's well-known in Dormont!--but Siffrin's track record for remembering verbal descriptions has always been...spotty. He describes Euphrasie with the same conviction he'd had when describing a child exhausted, on the verge of collapse and in need of help before taking off to be that help, because he'd spotted Bonnie while scouting for Sadnesses. You can believe he's seen Euphrasie.

Maybe it's still that you want to believe more than you actually believe, but Madame Odile already seems convinced, and she's very knowledgeable! (And she's half-Vaugardian? You're so, so curious about that, but what Siffrin said, and the faces Madame Odile made as they said it, made very plain that it's a touchy subject.) If she thinks Siffrin is actually looping in time, then-- Then you can beat the King, you have beaten the King, Euphrasie and everyone else who was frozen will be okay...!

And then Siffrin tells you you've let them die.

That's. That's not how they say it. But it's how you hear it. This has been your quest all along, and you're the one who's studied crafting shields, it just never clicked for you, you...you've never figured it out, and...

And so the King defeated you all. Killed Siffrin. You don't remember it, but Siffrin does, and...

Is that why he's been so angry?

How can you blame them for that, now?

You really do deserve to be alone. Everyone followed you on your quest to the King. To what, if Siffrin wasn't going back in time, would have been their last Change.

...CARROT method. You just have to remember to apply the CARROT method! You'll figure it out, you'll keep everyone safe! Stay positive. Don't dwell on the bad that hasn't happened now... Except it has happened, for Siffrin, and now Madame Odile is asking him how many times he's looped and he's hesitating like he doesn't remember, how many times has it been that he doesn't remember? "Siffrin?" you speak up. "We know you might not remember the exact number, but...you could estimate, right?" You hope it's a small number, even though no number would be small enough.

Instead of estimating, they count off the loops to figure out the number. Your heart quivers when they near double digits, but Siffrin counts over ten without pause. Their final count is sixteen. "That's...b-but...that's so much! That's so many times to fight!" Sixteen times you all could have fought the King? You're afraid how many times you let them die before you figured out how to craft a shield. Which you'll figure out again! Tonight! Right now! ...Okay, apparently not right now, but, but, you're sure it'll click soon!

You can't let Siffrin die again.

You do let him go when he moves to leave the clocktower, though. You don't like the thought of him being alone, but he still seems agitated. He's been a traveler for years, it's maybe the one thing you know about his past, and you've seen him look up to the dots in the sky at night before, so maybe being out and...stargazing?...will soothe him. You hope.

Isabeau, though, moves to follow Siffrin before stopping and burying his face in his hands. He looks so defeated. He and Siffrin hit it off really well as soon as they met; sometimes you were a little jealous that Siffrin might have a closer friendship with Isabeau than you. (On the other hand, you were never really surprised that Isabeau is closer to Siffrin than you are. Isabeau has so much more experience and confidence than you. You're too sheltered to have much in common with worldly travelers like Madame and Siffrin.) But right now it just means--Siffrin's obviously...not doing well, and especially after what happened earlier...

You reach for one of Isabeau's hands gently to get his attention. He resists for a second, and when his hand comes down from his face, you immediately know why from the tears in his eyes. But he gives you a weak smile--and he shouldn't have to comfort you right now. "Let's get some rest," you suggest. "Um--you're not sore still, are you? I can heal--"

"No, I'm good, Mira," he says, but without his usual energy. "Um." He rubs his face. "Sleep sounds like a good idea. We'll all feel better in the morning. Sif included."

"Yeah!" You're really not confident about that, but you know Isabeau is already putting on a brave face. You want to reassure him, somehow, you're just...not sure what to say.

...You open your arms for a hug. After a second, Isabeau wipes his eyes with the one hand still raised and then opens his own arms. You hug him softly, careful just in case there was any bruising Siffrin missed, and Isabeau hugs you back until you both register Madame Odile moving towards the bedroom. You split apart and follow her, watching as she cracks open the door and looks in.

"Boniface fell asleep already...good." Odile eases the door closed again.

She seems to have something she wants to say, but Isabeau breaks the silence first, glancing at the door to the bedroom before looking at Odile and you. "…Has Siffrin said anything about where they're from? To either of you? I just…I'm worried even if they've figured out how to stop looping, they might not be safe on their own, or able to deal with other people. I'd like to help him get back home, somewhere he'd feel safe. If he'd let me."

Odile shakes her head. "I'd given up on trying to get anything out of them months ago."

Thinking back on the last few months of the journey, a terrible realization curdles in your gut. "I…I don't think they have a home, actually, not one they'd go back to," you say. Both Isabeau and Odile look at you with alarm, and you stammer. Maybe you're wrong! You want to be wrong, you don't want to worry Isabeau more. But if it might be true, you don't want to hide it from him either. "I--they didn't say they didn't, but, uhm, once I asked them if they were really okay continuing on our journey, and he said it was more than okay. That he was the happiest he'd ever been."

"Oh." Madame Odile frowns briefly before holding up a hand. "Well--I understand why that sounds concerning, Mirabelle, but it may not have meant anything particularly. Siffrin did have a habit of not taking things seriously, especially before the incident--"

"No, Madame, you don't understand!" you object, though when you hear your own voice rising you try to rein it back in. You can't wake Bonnie and worry them more. "I asked him that--I think it was two weeks after they'd lost their eye." Siffrin had still been struggling with the loss of vision back then--even now they still bump into things occasionally, but they're doing much better than when they'd regularly bump into things or trip themself up. "Because I thought, after that, he'd want to go home, r-right? I wanted him to know I wouldn't blame him in the least. But he--they didn't even think about how to answer, just smiled and said they were the happiest they'd been, when they'd just lost an eye, when they could have died--and I don't. I don't think he was joking at all, or being insincere." He'd seemed so earnest, it had completely disarmed you. You'd thought so hard about how to approach the topic so that he wouldn't think you thought he was being troublesome, just that you wanted the best for them. But they'd claimed they liked being on your quest best and dried up all the words still lodged in your throat. "But if he was being honest, then…"

"…Then what was their life before, that that was the happiest?" Odile concludes, pinching the bridge of her nose. She looks tired, her expression sagging. "Gems alive, that one. I…I did wonder sometimes, how cavalier he was when he accidentally set off traps and nearly got himself…"

Isabeau's arms are still folded, one hand gripping the other arm's sleeve and bunching it up. "That can't be right. He's got to have somewhere he can go back to. Someone who can…"

Help him. After what he'd said in the afternoon, you're not sure you can be that help, or that he'd want your help even if you offered. But the thought of them being alone when they'd been happiest with others around, with that ugly anger brewing inside him, doesn't sit right either.

Odile sighs. "I don't want to keep anyone awake much longer, but we need to discuss how we're going to work with Siffrin tomorrow. Since now it seems we need to."

"Yeah. Safe to say it's not going to be our usual dynamic."

"W-well, but maybe now that Siffrin's told us about the time loop, they can talk about what else is bothering them?" you suggest. You doubt he'd talk to you, but--to Isabeau! Madame Odile!

Odile and Isabeau glance at each other and agree at the same time:

"That's not happening."

"He's not going to talk."

"That one nearly bit my head off this afternoon when I noticed they were shaking and tried to ask what was wrong," Odile says. "He was ready to explode again just earlier."

"Yeah, I think they tuned me out as soon as I brought up a feelings talk, I just...well, at first I wasn't sure, then I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, but yeah. I don't think he heard a word I said. Don't think he wanted to."

Odile nods. "So, I would suggest we avoid any feelings talk, at least before the King is defeated. If Siffrin asks for a feelings talk, wonderful. Some sort of intervention is in order. But they've made it clear how they feel about us trying to bring it up. Our focus needs to be, first, as it already was, defeating the King. Second, getting more information about the time loops and Wish Craft from Siffrin. I'd like to understand their theory better before it gets put to the test. Especially because..." She grimaces. "We knew going through the House tomorrow would be stressful. Fighting the King, harrowing. Siffrin is obviously traumatized and not thinking clearly. I'm not sure Boniface should still come with us." She looks at Isabeau.

"He didn't mean to hurt me," Isabeau says. "...But, yeah, that's exactly why it'd be better for Bonbon to stay behind. We'll just have to figure out how to explain it to them in the morning."

Even though he's agreeing with her, Odile's expression tightens underneath the evening's exhaustion. She looks to you. "Any objections, Mirabelle?"

You shake your head. "No, Madame. It makes sense." Bonnie might not be happy about it, but if things with Siffrin are still as tense as they were this evening, they wouldn't be happy to come with you tomorrow anyway. And it's more important that they stay safe.

The worry lingers on Madame Odile's face, but she's apparently done talking as she eases the door open again and enters the bedroom. You follow. On the middle bed, Bonnie is already sleeping on their side, their head completely covered by the blanket they pulled up. After changing into your nightwear, you lower yourself into the bed gently to not wake them, pausing when you hear their breath hitch. You don't want to wake them now! They'll probably have questions about Siffrin, and, and, if it comes up that you've decided they shouldn't come with anymore... you're sure it's a sound decision, but you also know Bonnie probably won't see it that way, and you can't have that conversation right now. You need to figure out how the CARROT method applies to shields, and sleep, and then in the morning you can figure everything else out.

So, the CARROT method. You start mulling over it as you lie in bed and listen to Isabeau and Madame Odile settle in to their own beds. ...It feels so strange that Isabeau isn't playfully whining to Siffrin to pleeeaaase relinquish some of the blanket, just a tiny bit! They were going to share a bed tonight, they usually do when there are limited beds, but instead Isabeau's curled up the bed, keeping to one side and you know he's hoping Siffrin will tiptoe back in, and Siffrin's out...somewhere, and you're worried about both of them.

CARROT method. Focus, Mirabelle.

The CARROT method can be used for shields. Siffrin seemed confident that all he needed to do was remind you of the method and you'd figure it out, so it must be pretty simple! You can't believe you didn't figure it out before. Why didn't you figure it out before?

You still haven't figured it out. ...Why aren't you figuring it out now?

You wish Siffrin told you how you had figured it out the first time. There was probably something helpful that made it click? But obviously you don't need it! Siffrin's hint is supposed to be enough!

Siffrin doesn't actually know the CARROT method, so the hint has to be enough. He can't teach you if it's not.

...Has there been loops where Siffrin hinted it to you and you still didn't get it? No, no, that's too awful. You must have always figured it out, and you're going to figure it out now because you've studied shields, Mirabelle, you should already know this, why don't you know this, why aren't you getting it, you can't let everyone down tomorrow, you've already let them down, tomorrow's already happened and you've failed--

"Mira?"

Your breath catches when you hear Isabeau whisper just loud enough to carry between the two beds. You open your mouth to answer, but your throat is so tight, you can't speak. If you say anything, he'll know you're upset, and he'll be concerned and want to know why, and you can't tell him--you can't tell him, you have to figure this out--

"Mira," he calls again, and pauses. "Um. I know you're awake. You're..."

He doesn't need to point out you're crying, you can feel the tears heating your cheeks. You roll out of bed, hoping you don't disturb Bonnie, and kneel at the side of Isabeau's bed, swiping tears away just to feel their replacements welling up. "I-it's. I'm. I'm not figuring it out," you whisper. "Siffrin made it sound so simple but I can't figure out how you get shields from a carrot, the CARROT method, I just can't--"

"Hey, hey, breathe," he says gently, reaching for your hand in the darkness. "Like--" He pauses. And then he takes a deep breath in, and slowly releases it.

You do the same, twice. "I should be getting it, right?"

"Sif put a lot of pressure on you. I don't think they usually tell you it's, um, as important as fighting the King. So that's not helping."

"...It's really, really not." But you can't just forget that, now that you know.

"Since Bonbon's already asleep, why don't you explain shields to me? I hear sometimes the best way to learn something is teaching someone else."

That makes sense. The House encourages Housemaidens to teach each other classes for exactly that reason. Even if you really, really don't like teaching classes--but this is just Isabeau. You know he's a patient listener. And you have to figure this out. "...Thank you? I'm sorry for worrying you..."

You catch a glimpse of Isabeau's smile in the dark. It's so tired. "It's okay, Mira. It's nice to be able to help somehow."

Oh... You can understand that feeling. You get on the bed quietly so you can be more comfortable as you explain shields and the CARROT method to Isabeau in the softest voice so you don't disturb Bonnie or Odile. Isabeau makes little hums to tell you he's listening, and only asks questions when you've paused for a while, trying to find more thoughts after what feels like the longest day. His questions are very thoughtful; apparently he already knows the basic elements of the CARROT method, and it doesn't take him long to understand what you know about shields. And then, somewhere in the middle of talking, you bolt upright, because it just--

"Isabeau. Can I craft a shield on you? Please, I need to try--"

"Wh--OH, I mean oh, yeah, go for it Mira--"

And it. Seems to work? Isabeau says it feels like you've covered him in a second, heavier blanket, and hopefully that means it's worked! Because you really don't want to punch Isabeau. It would hurt Isabeau if you'd messed up. And the sound might wake Madame and Bonnie.

"We can try it in the House tomorrow," Isabeau says. "We'll have some time before we reach the King, right?"

You nod quickly. "I'll practice it tomorrow as much as I can!" you promise him. You're going to keep everyone safe. You won't let them die. Not...not again.

But for now...now that you think you've figured it out, your mind is quickly turning into mush on you. You yawn, and lie down again next to your friend, and fall asleep without even thinking about returning to your own bed. It's Isabeau. You know he doesn't mind.

"BONIFACE!"

Madame Odile's shout jolts you from sleep in the morning. It's dawn. You and Isabeau are the only ones still in the bedroom, and Isabeau is stirring awake next to you, looking just as alarmed as you feel at Madame's tone--someone's in trouble. Did...did she tell Bonnie they needed to stay behind, are they having an argument? You don't hear Bonnie yelling or sulking, though. You duck down behind the middle bed to change clothes as quickly as possible with some discretion--Isabeau's ducked down too behind the far bed, though he's so big you can see his shoulders as he pulls his old Defender uniform on--and then you rush out to the hallway to see why Odile's upset.

She's standing in front of the orbs to unlock the House. There are only three.

Adults are dumb.

They said, they ALL said you could come with them to the House! 'Dile had taken so long to agree, you remember those agonizing minutes of silence when you had to chew your lip and fidget because you didn't want to talk and interrupt 'Dile thinking in case it annoyed her and she said no for that, but even she agreed!

You know she wasn't happy about it though. Even though you're almost a teenager, close to grown up, they still try to keep "adult things" from you. So when 'Za shooed you out of the clocktower's kitchen last night, you knew the only way you'd hear all the important stuff was if they thought you couldn't hear it.

...You still hadn't expected to hear them planning to leave you behind.

You huff, rolling your orb between your hands, but you're careful to keep a close enough hold so it can't slip away from you. Everyone went through a lot getting the orbs, and you need all five so you can all go in the House and Belle can kick the King's crabbing butt with everyone's help. You don't want to drop it or anything. But you gotta hold the others to their word, since APPARENTLY adults think keeping promises is optional.

Stupid adults.

You'd crept out of bed as soon as you woke up and saw the sky lightening, because you knew the others would wake up soon. Now the sun is starting to come up. You'd planned to make a hot breakfast for them around now. Instead you stopped by the boulangerie and asked the surprised boulanger for a favor, so now you have four warm croissants and one pain au chocolat. Because. You know they're probably going to be upset and come after you without remembering they have to eat. See, you can plan ahead because you're super mature and smart. They should know that!

They should know that you're not just going to touch Frin by accident, too. You can be careful! You listened to them the first time they told you Frin didn't like touch! They--

Huh?

The orb nearly slips from your hands as you stop and turn your head, but you grab and clutch it close to your body as your head swivels in the direction of the rising sun.

The dawn

looks weird.

Near the horizon where the sun's coming up, there's. Patches of a weird shade. Or is it more than one shade? You can't tell what you're seeing, can't even tell if the shade is closer to lightless or darkless. You wonder if 'Dile or the drawing kid would know how to describe it.

Dawns don't usually look like that. Does the sky know it's a big day? 'Dile's told you a few stories from Ka Bue where big weird stuff like that happens, but she always said they were very old stories and people had almost certainly made things up to fill in forgotten bits, like how Frin would make up great big stories when he'd forgotten things. ('Dile didn't say that last part. It's just something you know about Frin--his memory's got more holes than stinky cheese, and often, instead of just saying he forgot to do something, he'll tell a story about why he didn't do the thing that's so outrageous everyone knows he's fibbing. Everyone calls them out on it, even 'Za, but it doesn't bother them. He's not actually trying to lie, just wants to be funny. You don't get why they don't just 'fess up from the start.

You don't get a lot of things about Frin.

...Especially now.)

Even if some of Ka Bue's super old stories are real, Vaugarde doesn't have any stories like that. Sometimes people say they met the Change God, but they don't say the Change God actually did anything, and they definitely don't say the Change God put a weird new shade in the sky. So. You don't know what to make of it.

...You were already trying to get to the House ahead of the others, but you start moving faster.

You can make out Frin, standing in front of the House's massive door, when you get through the thickest part of the trees along the path. It's easy to spot Frin when the House is dark and Frin is near all darkless, light fabric, light skin, bright hair. But Frin is as still as the House. Frin is so still that your heart starts to beat faster, wondering if the curse is spreading out of the House to get Dormont now, if they'll go lightless right in front of you, if you'll have to run again (...but there's nowhere to run anymore). You call out as you get closer. "Frin?"

He shifts, stirring like he finally sees you and smiling a big grin. "Bonnie! Good morning."

It's such a dumb Frin reaction that now you feel dumb for being worried. "...'morning." Do they not even notice you're alone? Aren't they going to ask where the others are--whoa, wait. "You look bad."

Frin usually looks kind of messy--which, whatever, you don't really get why people fuss over appearances so much--but they don't look like they went into the woods, they look like they rolled in it. There are dried juice stains on their cheeks that made you think they went berry-picking, and their cloak is dirty and rumpled, bunched up in weird places. Most of the dirt is on their left side along with broken twigs and leaves, like...

Like they kept stumbling into trees and bushes because it was dark and they're half-blind. You were hungry for breakfast, but now you're not.

They look tired.

His smile doesn't change at all. It's. Not a good smile. "I don't feel bad. I had fun stargazing. ...Where are the others?"

They did notice. "They're being dumb," you tell them. "Last night they thought I was sleeping and I heard them say they were going to leave me behind. So I got here ahead of them! 'Cause you all said I could come with, and I know I can help! You know I can, too!" The words rush out of you. You're eager to have at least one person on your side. Even if Frin can be really dumb about things, they're not dumb about this.

The smile drops from Frin's face. For a second, he looks...he looks like you hit him, or something.

And then the smile's back, wide wide wide. Shaky. "Bonnie," they say. "What did they say? About me?"

You
freeze.

You don't like that they were talking about Frin when he wasn't there, because you know it's rude! But you know they only did it because they're worried. You don't understand how Frin's acting either. And you really don't like how he looks right now. You didn't mean to upset him. "I, I didn't say they were talking about you..."

Their smile shrinks as they look at you, then disappears completely as they duck their face behind their cloak. "You didn't need to. They've been fine with you coming to the House every loop before, but now it's a bad idea? They don't trust me with you." There's a really sad look in their eye before it closes in the shape of a sliver. Are they trying not to cry? "...And maybe they're right!"

"No!" you yell at them. "You didn't mean to hurt 'Za! I know that, and so do they! And I know you don't like touch, so I won't touch you! So it won't be a problem! I'm not--I'm not a baby," you say, but 'Dile would tell you that's not a good argument so you start again. You're. Going to have to talk a little bit about Nille. You'll apologize when she's not frozen anymore. "I get it. My sister, Nille? She gets scared if people touch her when she's not expecting it. That's why I wear big shoes, so she knows I'm coming. I know you can hear me with these." You wiggle your feet in the shoes. They're big, clunky shoes compared to Frin's high heels and Belle's boots, but the insides are getting small on you. They're tight in the toes now. You did your best to not complain and make them last, but you really want to find a new pair on the way back to Bambouche. "And I make sure she can see me before I touch her! And you don't like being touched at all, so I won't even try to touch you! I won't touch you on purpose or on accident." You've thought about this!

"I..." Frin starts to say something, but then they seem to give up. You don't know if that's good or bad.

"Look, you were stupid yesterday, but you were being stupid because you know I can help, right? You know I can help, so let me help!" you tell him. "I'm not going back to Dormont! I don't want..." You blink, feel tears in your eyes, and quickly look away.

You just want to be with everyone. You don't want to lose them too. But it's not time to be sad, because you're all going to beat up the King together!

Or...or you'll all get frozen together. But then you'd get frozen anyway, so at least you won't be alone.

"I want you to be there too," Frin says, and you pump your arms in the air.

"Okay!" Frin's on your side! He can be smart sometimes. "Now. Explain the time loop thing to me. 'Cuz. ...You said something about a time loop last night but I don't know what that is." You don't feel bad for not knowing. 'Dile was talking about getting Frin to tell her more about it (and some kind of weird craft?), and if 'Dile doesn't know what something is, it's got to be waaaay out there.

Frin stares blankly at you instead of answering. You squint at them. Is their brain still asleep? Probably. They don't have any of the camping supplies with them, and they didn't sleep in the clocktower, so...did they just sleep outside with no tent or sleeping bag??? No wonder they look tired.

There's not anything you can do about that, but... "If I gave you a pain au chocolat, will you explain while we eat?"

Frin doesn't jump at that like you thought he would. He hesitates for a few seconds, but then his stomach growls like a wolf and he nods. You nod back because yeah, you thought so. Berries never fill Frin up. He'd pick them while he was waiting for you to cook dinner and still eat a heaping plate.

You're still mad when he devours the pain au chocolat in one bite, though. "So you like it better than my samosas? Hmf." ...Okay, the boulanger is a professional. And a grown-up. But you're a master cooker too! You sit down to eat your croissant.

Frin shakes their head and sits down to be level with you. "I'm just...really hungry. It doesn't taste like anything to me anymore. Um. Because. So when time loops. It means I start over from when I was napping yesterday. So I've had the samosas you made for dinner every time. And I've had the boulangere's pain au chocolat a lot of times too."

...Wait. "Every time?"

"Every time."

"How many times?"

He. pauses. "Over a dozen?"

Well, okay, eating the same thing over and over would put you in a bad mood too, but... "You couldn't ask me to make something else instead of being grumpy and mean at everyone?"

"This was the first time I was mean, I swear. And it wasn't because of your food. I..." He takes a breath. "I got really impatient to kill the King, so I messed everything up, and I'm sorry."

It's kind of weird to listen to Frin talk about killing. Like, in most stories the bad guy realizes what they've been doing wrong and decides to Change and helps the hero to apologize for what they did. But there are some older stories where they just die, and you. You've never expected the King to Change. But the adults had only really talked about stopping the King, and Frin had barely ever talked about the King at all, only if someone else was already talking about him. So Frin not just wanting to kill the King, but being impatient... you don't know how you feel about that.

You know it doesn't feel great. And you're still not okay with what Frin did yesterday, even with them saying sorry. So you don't know what to say and take another bite of your croissant instead. Finally, you think of another question.

"So, have you done this before?"

Frin shakes his head. "No? We always went to the House together before."

"But you've gone to the House!" That makes sense. He said something about a trap in the House, you think.

"Oh. Yeah. And we've fought the King, and we've beaten him, and we've met the Head Housemaiden. Then I loop back to yesterday."

"...That sucks. Why?"

Frin laughs, and you jump a little because you weren't expecting it and it doesn't sound like their usual laugh. "That's a really good question, Bonnie!"

...You don't think you're getting an answer for your really good question. Frin probably wouldn't have had time to give it anyway. You see Belle's hair bouncing into view as she rounds a turn in the path, and right behind her is 'Dile, and you know from the look on both their faces. Yeah. You're in trouble.